Coward.

Jinyoung had been having that same thought every other second, ever since Mark had left his house. He was a coward not to call him and explain what had happened. He was a coward not to reach out to Jackson or BamBam for support. He was a coward for faking sick when Monday came so he wouldn’t have to see Mark on the day of his date with Eileen Montblanc. He was a coward for spending the entire morning and afternoon either crying or punching his pillow in bitter hurt and frustration over his poor, pitiful crushed hopes.

“So what,” he muttered into his very wet pillow. “So what if he likes someone else? He’s still your friend. You should still help him with what’s bothering him.” But as soon as he said it, his mind filled with images of Mark turning to Eileen instead, unburdening himself to her like he never had with Jinyoung. Mark and Eileen at school on Tuesday, holding hands in the hallway and kissing at Mark’s locker. Mark coming into the vivarium with stars in his eyes, wanting to tell Jinyoung all about it.

Jinyoung slammed his fist into the pillow again until the image vanished, though his head refused to stop thinking of it entirely. An evil part of him wanted to hate Eileen, to dismiss her as some villainous who’d swooped in and stolen what he’d wanted from him, but he knew she wasn’t. He knew Eileen was a good person, and that if Mark had to end up with someone else, she’d probably be one of the most worthy people he could think of. Still, knowing that couldn’t calm the green-eyed monster stewing in his chest that wanted conflict and vengeance. It wanted to tear into her and make her the object of his hatred, since that would be far easier than turning inwards and looking at himself and everything he lacked to Mark in comparison to her.

Don’t think of it. Think of something else.

His mind, an unfeeling torturer, obeyed by conjuring up an even more terrible image. An image of Ian finding out about Mark and Eileen at the dance and being so pissed that he told Mark that Jinyoung was in love with him right then and there.

“NO!” Jinyoung yelled, chucking the pillow across the room. But this was an image he couldn’t banish because he knew it could very well be true. Ian was just the kind of person who couldn’t be satisfied if he wasn’t ruining someone’s life or happiness. If he couldn’t get what he wanted, he’d make sure Jinyoung suffered for it as much as it was possible for him to suffer.

And Jinyoung could just imagine the humiliation of it, of having Mark dancing in the arms of someone else he loved and hearing that the person he’d befriended had been desperate to be that person in his arms.

He crossed the room to give his pillow a furious kick. Stop, stop, stop. Stop making me relive this pain over and over again. Just…erase these feelings from me. Set me free. I don’t want this anymore.

But that was probably just another lie, in the end. He’d clung to these feelings for so long in spite of knowing that nothing would ever come of them, so perhaps part of him had wanted this. He’d wanted that feeling of being in love, at the cost of accepting the heartbreak.

When evening came, he leaned his head against the window, watching Mark and his mother step out to the car to drive to the dance. Mark looked as gorgeous as expected in his dress shirt and blazer, and Jinyoung felt the old pang of want coming back, unfailingly loyal even in the face of disappointment. He wondered what it would be like to be down there with him, not as a tag-a-long, but as his date. He imagined Mark pinning flowers onto his lapel and guiding him to the dancefloor, wrapping an arm around his waist…

But what was the point? It would never happen. He had to stop chasing the false hope of illusions that could never be.

Before he got into the car, Mark glanced over to Jinyoung’s house. Jinyoung ducked behind the curtains, waiting for the sound of the engine starting and the car backing out of the driveway and entering the winter night.

He closed his eyes, trying to trap his tears in place before they fell. There were so many thoughts and feelings inside of him, but one remained louder than them all. I love you, I love you, I love you.

I love you, still.

But what was left to do with that love, he wondered, rubbing his eyes fiercely. Mark didn’t want or need it given romantically, but that didn’t mean his relationship with Jinyoung was completely useless to him. He had, after all, turned to Jinyoung and asked him not to turn his back on him, just like Jinyoung had asked of him. Jinyoung’s friendship was still important to him, and he was trusting Jinyoung because…well, he still didn’t know the ‘because’ of it. Mark still hadn’t told him the full extent of the difficulties he was going through. Possibly thanks in part to the fact that Jinyoung had backed out of telling his own secret and had refused to talk to him again afterwards.

I’m the worst, Jinyoung thought miserably. I’m the absolute worst. I should have just told him, if that was what it took. If I keep letting my fear get the better of me, then what’s the point? What’s the point of being me if I’m too scared to do anything with who I am?

He pulled himself out from under the curtains and started pacing, Jackson’s words echoing in his mind. Show him that he’s worth the love of someone good and genuine like you. Give it to him so he can look at himself through the reflection of how someone who loves him sees him instead of the messed up view everyone else has shown him. Jinyoung hadn’t done that at all. All he’d done was get jealous and lock himself in a bathroom. He’d thrown away his opportunity to give his heart on his own terms and handed it over to Ian Westcott, who would probably at any minute now use that opportunity to share Jinyoung’s feelings with Mark in the most vulgar, disrespectful way possible. He hadn’t shown Mark a loving reflection with which to view himself. He’d just disappointed him, the way everyone else did.

“No,” he said aloud again, returning his pillow to his bed. “I’m not giving up like this. I have to tell him. I still have to be the one who tells him.”

He grabbed his phone before he could change his mind, found Mark’s number, and called it. It rang a few times and went to voicemail—if Mark had already arrived at the dance, it was likely he hadn’t even heard it ringing over the music. After listening to his voicemail message play, Jinyoung steeled himself and said what he needed to say as best as he could, given how much his voice was shaking.

“I’m sorry,” he began, feeling the pressing need to get that apology for the last time they’d seen each other out there first. “When you came over yesterday, I knew you were upset about something still and were only pretending to be happy. I wanted to talk to you and help you to be honest with me by being honest with you, but I…” His voice cracked a bit, and he realized for a panicked moment that if he didn’t force it back, he was going to start crying again and Mark was going to hear it. “I let personal feelings of mine get in the way. You needed me, and I got selfish and thought only of myself. If you needed to talk to someone…I’m here for you. And I want to talk to you, too, to tell you the thing I wasn’t brave enough to say…I won’t turn my back on you. I promise. No matter what, I won’t turn my back on you, and I’ll trust that you’ll do the same for me….I’m sorry….I’m really sorry.” Before the tears could fall again, he dropped the call and threw his phone onto the bed.

He wasn’t sure what Mark would think when he heard it, or how soon the moment when they would talk would come. He just hoped he would be able to find the right words to say, and that Mark would go easy on his heart. It had already been through enough.

Much sooner than he thought it would, his phone started ringing, Mark’s name flashing on the screen. Jinyoung hesitated for a single second, then picked it up. “Mark?” He’d expected to hear thumping music playing in the background, but it was oddly silent.

“Come to your window.”

Jinyoung’s heart leapt. Is he here? But how could that be—it wasn’t that much longer than an hour into the dance, wasn’t it? He should have been with Eileen, slow dancing to some country ballad and getting sentimental. He bolted to the window, and there Mark was looking up at him, still in his dress clothes.  “What are you doing back from the dance so early?”

“I need to talk to you.”

“What about Eileen?”

Mark shifted in place. “It’s fine. Hey, can you come on out? Let’s go to the park.”

It’s fine?? What does that mean? And why do you want to go to the park, when you should want to finish your date with the hottest girl in your class? “It’s cold,” was all Jinyoung managed to say.

“I know.”

Jinyoung pressed the tips of his fingers against the window and sighed, fogging the glass. He wasn’t sure what any of this meant, but knew better than to attempt running again. “…all right,” he said. “Give me just a second. We’ll talk.” He dropped the call and went to grab his coat from the back of his desk chair, slipping it on. He then tiptoed down the stairs so his parents, who still thought he was sick, wouldn’t hear. Once he was sure they weren’t anywhere nearby, he opened the front door and slipped outside.

“Hey,” Mark said.

“Hey,” Jinyoung said back.

“Come on.” Mark gestured to the park. They started walking down the street.

“Why are you here?”

“Because I got your message.”

“That wasn’t an invitation for you to ditch your date and come rushing back.”

“I didn’t ‘ditch’ Eileen. She and I had a good conversation about why it was better for me to go.”

“And why is that?”

“Because she had asked me out seriously, and I had misunderstood and thought she was only asking me out as a last resort. I didn’t think it was fair to continue if she liked me, and I didn’t feel the same about her.”

Jinyoung stared at him . “Y-You don’t like her back?”

“No.”

“She didn’t confess to you when she asked you?” His heart was pounding loudly now. “You really didn’t know?”

“I didn’t. Did you?”

Jinyoung nodded. “Ian told me.”

“He wanted to go out with her, right? And he was going to use me to get to her?”

“You knew about that?”

“Only because he told me. And I get the impression from what he said that he used me like that in the past, too.” Mark frowned. “Was that why he threatened you off from me, before?”

Jinyoung nodded. “I’m…I’m sorry that I let him. It made me so mad when I saw how he treated you and how he was tricking all those girls, but I…I was a coward.”

Mark shook his head. “He was playing all of us for fools. It wasn’t just you. He had me fooled, too. Everyone around him did.” He sighed bitterly.

Jinyoung’s heart, which had picked its head up hopefully at the news Mark wasn’t in love with Eileen, now started sinking again. “Did he say something about me to you?” he asked in a hushed voice. “Ian?”

Mark turned to look at him, eyes suddenly blazing angrily. “Nothing in language I would ever repeat,” he said fiercely.

His heart sank further. “But…you know the truth about it now?”

“No. As if I’m going to buy into anything that comes out of his mouth anymore. And whatever he said wasn’t the truth, anyways. I would never use the words he used to describe anyone, including you.” His look softened. “I’ll only believe what you tell me. And like I said, I’m not going to turn my back on you, no matter what it is.”

Jinyoung’s heart stopped sinking. In fact, it felt like it was heading in the opposite direction, wanting to climb up back to the sky.

Not just yet, he told it. You’ve put yourself through too many highs and lows lately. We’re keeping our hopes out of the clouds for a second.

He sat down on the swing in the park, and before Mark could sit down next to him, he said, “Can you push me?” He wasn’t sure why, but he thought that might make it easier. “Not too high. Just a little to start. So I can still talk to you.”

“OK,” Mark said. He got behind Jinyoung and gave him a little push. Jinyoung swung forward a little, then fell back against Mark’s waiting hands, which branded heat into his back as he gave him another push forward.

He waited until a rhythm was established before he began talking. “I never wanted to stop talking to you,” he said at length. “That time together at recess was everything to me. I used to wait for it the whole day. I used to think about it at home, after school. I thought so much about you…how being with you made me happy. How I wanted to spend more time with you. How every smile from you was beautiful and how your laugh filled me up like nothing else did. How I was falling in love with you.”

To Mark’s credit, he didn’t miss a beat pushing Jinyoung after those words were out in the open. He pushed Jinyoung again, waiting for him to continue.

“That’s why I was scared when Ian confronted me. I wasn’t ready for you to know. I wasn’t ready to face what the reactions of everyone else would be. It just seemed easier to run away from it. So I ran away from you, so you wouldn’t know how I felt. But…how I felt never really changed. I still loved you. I still wanted to be with you. Even though I was scared, I never really stopped.” He closed his eyes as Mark’s hands touched his back. “And I still haven’t. I’m still in love with you, even now.”

It felt so strange to finally say this out loud that he didn’t immediately know what to do—if he should keep talking or stop talking or ask Mark to stop pushing him or instead ask him to take over leading the conversation. His body felt too disjointed with the weight and burden he’d been carrying so long finally set free that it couldn’t make a rational decision. He grabbed on tightly to the chains of the swing and found himself saying “Push me higher!”

If Mark was confused by this abrupt request, he didn’t say anything. He simply obeyed, pushing Jinyoung’s back more forcefully. Jinyoung pumped his legs in time, sailing forward faster and higher. When he started falling back, he yelled “Higher!” again, and Mark again obeyed him with another firm push. Jinyoung’s body flew higher, closer to the night sky and its brilliance of stars, which he suddenly felt a crazed desire to touch. “Higher!” he said again, and Mark pushed him with all of his might so it felt like Jinyoung was flying upwards into the heavens. He reached out a hand, collecting stars between his fingertips, folding them into his palm as if to preserve them, to lock them into this moment up in the sky where anything was possible before he risked another abrupt crash landing back to earth and—

“I LOVE YOU, TOO!” Mark yelled at the top of his lungs.

Jinyoung whipped his head around, staring at Mark as he began his plummeting descent. His heart felt like it had when he had been at the top of the rollercoaster and dropping down into the terrifying unknown while Mark had said over and over again “it’s OK, it’s OK,” but this time, before he could fly back up and away, Mark grabbed the chains of the swing firmly in his hands and held him back. Jinyoung dragged his heels into the dirt, coming to a stop.

“What?” he said, staring at Mark.

“You heard me,” Mark said a bit breathlessly. “In fact, I think maybe the whole neighborhood heard me.”

“You….?”

“I love you,” Mark said again. “Yes. I do.”

“No you don’t,” Jinyoung said before he could stop himself.

“Oh? Are you the expert on my feelings now?” He dropped down into the swing next to Jinyoung. “And before you try to argue with me, I realized it a while ago. And admitted it to myself in front of a witness just a few days ago, on Friday. Ask BamBam if you don’t believe me.”

Jinyoung just kept staring at him, his body once again too disjointed to formulate a coherent response.

“And this isn’t some kind of fleeting delusion on my part, either,” Mark continued, as if he thought that would have been Jinyoung’s next protest. “I’m not experiencing confusion, or anything. I knew I was gay even before I started talking to you again. That was what caused my…um…quiet meltdown last school year.”

So it wasn’t Anisa and Ty, Jinyoung thought immediately. No…wait…it still happened right around when he supposedly had that fistfight with Ty, so…so…

It hit him like a slap in the face, and he jumped up from his swing. “Not Ty,” he said sharply. “Mark, he’s just as much of trash as Ian, he’s- ”

“I know,” Mark said softly. “He’s what caused the next meltdown at the entrance test.”

Jinyoung sank back into his swing. “So…he was there after all?”

“Yes.” Mark sighed. “It would have been better if he’d just hit me again, rather than said what he did.”

“Did he…find out?”

“He guessed. And I freaked.” Mark dragged his heels through the dirt. “It brought back that feeling I’d had when I’d first realized what was going on. The feeling of wanting to erase myself. It made me forget for a while about how much better things had been with you, and made me believe things would never get better, that everything I put my faith in would always wind up being just another lie.” He met Jinyoung’s eyes. “But only for a while. I can’t forget how it is with you, how you make me feel. I can’t erase that. I don’t want to. You’re not a lie to me, Jinyoung. I don’t want to be alone ever again. I really, really just want to be with you.”

These words were spoken so gently, so kindly that Jinyoung had a hard time dismissing them. Mark meant them sincerely…which meant he was telling the truth…which meant he really was in love with him? Jinyoung could barely believe it could be true after having it be a hopeless dream for so long, but at the same time, he couldn’t doubt that look in Mark’s eyes and the firmness in his voice. His breath caught, and his head started spinning. He’d come back down to earth, so why did it still feel like he was flying among the stars?

“It still makes me angry, though,” Mark continued as Jinyoung stayed silent. “What Ian did, taking you away from me. Because I think…I really think that if we hadn’t stopped talking, I would have realized it from you, not Ty. I would have fallen in love with you, and you and I wouldn’t have had to go through everything alone. We would have had each other the whole time.” He reached out, touching Jinyoung’s hand. “I think you were the one who was supposed to be my first love.”

Jinyoung took a breath, his heart feeling so full now that he couldn’t keep his words and thoughts to himself anymore. “I am your first love,” he said, lacing his fingers together with Mark’s. “The Ty you thought you knew wasn’t real. Loving a fantasy doesn’t count. And I’m real.” He brushed his thumb against Mark’s skin. “And I’m never going to turn my back on you.”

“And I won’t either. Never again.”

They held hands quietly for a moment, then Mark reached out with his other and gently brushed it against Jinyoung’s cheek. “Can I…?”

Jinyoung didn’t know what he meant at first, then noticed Mark’s eyes were trailing down to his lips. His cheeks flushed, and instead of answering, he closed his eyes and leaned in. A moment later, Mark’s lips brushed against his.

He’d dreamed of it so many times, a light and airy feeling like mist tickling against his skin. But the reality of it was far more tangible, a comforting pressure against him that solidified to him that there was truly someone real and physical by his side, someone who loved him. It filled him with twinkling stars on the inside, but grounded him comfortably on the earth, feet firmly planted in a beautiful reality.

Mark pulled away slowly, looking at him a little anxiously as if he thought he’d done a bad job of it. Jinyoung smiled in reassurance, and Mark immediately smiled back, relaxing.

“I’ve thought about that for an embarrassingly long time,” Jinyoung said in a quiet voice.

“And…?”

“It was my first.” Nothing to compare it to but dreams that have already flown away, replaced by something better.

“Mine, too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” He squeezed Jinyoung’s hand, which he still hadn’t let go of. “A perfect start.”

“I wouldn’t say perfect. That gives me nothing to improve on, and it’ll make it disappointing if the second one is less than perfect.”

“Oh? Want to see about that?” He leaned in again, slipping a hand behind Jinyoung’s neck and urging him closer. The second kiss was less about processing the new sensation and what it felt like, and more about simply enjoying it. He felt his mind go fuzzy with happiness, thoroughly enjoying itself after all the doubt and trauma it had been put through.

Mark held onto the kiss longer this time before pulling away. They both looked back at each other’s lips as if they wanted to do it again—which Jinyoung very much did—but Mark cleared his throat, eyes regrettably raising back up to Jinyoung’s.

“Have you told your parents?” Mark asked.

“My parents?” Jinyoung repeated. For some reason, he’d never really thought much about telling them. The internal battle of loving Mark had always outweighed everything else. “No. I'm not really sure how it would go, honestly. We never really talk about stuff like that...about love, or anything. They know I had socialization problems before, but I don't think they'd guess it had to do with that."

“I told mine.”

“About us?”

“Jinyoung, there was no ‘us’ until just a minute ago. I told them about me. And they know you’re the one I like.” He paused. “And Eileen knows. And BamBam. And Jackson, I guess.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened. “Wait…Jackson knows? He knows and he didn’t tell me?”

“Wait…did he know about you liking me?”

Jinyoung nodded. “Yeah. He confronted me about it that day you told him to check in on me.”

“God. This all could have happened a heck of a lot faster if he’d told me that.”

Jinyoung thought for a moment, then shook his head. “Maybe…but it’s better that we talked to each other like this. It was the more painful route, but…I think it’s better. That we came out to each other properly. That we both went into this conversation not knowing for sure, and were still brave enough to go through with it anyways.”

Mark looked like he wanted to protest, then changed his mind. “You’re right,” he said. “And speaking of coming out properly…what do you want to do about school tomorrow?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well…it would not surprise me if Ian let it slip that you’re into me, or I’m into you, or we’re into each other—whichever he thinks is the juiciest. Even if we act like nothing’s happened, people are going to talk.”

Jinyoung tilted his head. “So…are you thinking of going the ‘if they’re going to talk, let’s give them something to talk about’ route?”

“I know that might make things difficult,” Mark said earnestly. "I know there will probably be people who say some awful things about us, even if some people think it's OK, like Eileen did. But that will always be true, I guess, and if we can't face it now, we're going to have to face it one day, anyways. And no matter what anyone tries to say, if they try to say it in front of me, I won't let the words finish coming out of their mouths. I'm never going to let any pieces of trash have a say what happens with us ever again."

"You don't think it will be more than we can handle?"

"Maybe before, but we're not alone anymore. I think there are people who will help us, and..." He grinned sheepishly. "I think hiding it will be harder for us to handle, in the end. I don't think I'd do a very good job of pretending you're not my boyfriend."

Jinyoung’s heart sped up. “So…is that what I am?”

“What? You think we’re not dating after I screamed that I love you for everyone to hear?”

“You didn’t officially ask.”

“Fine. Jinyoung, do you want to go out with me?”

Jinyoung smiled, and swooped in to peck him on the lips. “I’ve only wanted that for almost three years, Mark. But thanks for finally asking me.”

For once, Mark didn’t feel the slightest bit nervous about school. He felt like he was walking on clouds from the minute he woke up, and he couldn’t wait to get dressed and scarf down breakfast so he could see Jinyoung sooner. His mother looked amused as Mark practically tried to shove her out the door. “I take it last night went well?” she asked.

“Very well,” Mark said.

“I’m happy for you. I couldn’t have picked out a better person for you if I tried.” She paused. “Of course, you and your father will be having ‘the talk’ this evening. Neither of us are going to let you try and take advantage of the fact that he lives next door to do things you shouldn’t right under our noses.”

“Oh, come on!”

“Don’t you ‘oh, come on!’ me, young man! This is not up for negotiation!”

But even the threat of that horrific conversation vanished right from his mind when he saw Jinyoung waiting in his driveway. He wanted to kiss him so badly, but the presence of his mother stopped him in his tracks. Instead, he took Jinyoung’s hand and squeezed it, then gave him a playful little tug on his earlobe. “Hey,” he said, smiling so wide it almost hurt.

“Hey,” Jinyoung said back. His return smile felt like it could give enough energy to power Mark’s heart for the rest of his life.

They were fairly quiet on the way to school, sneaking in touches when his mother was distracted by driving, toying with each other’s fingers, bumping knees, playing footsie. It felt like they didn’t really need to talk—the way they openly looked at each other now said everything for them.

When they made it to school, Ian and his clique were waiting in the atrium, looking like they had staked out the spot specifically for this moment. As soon as they saw Mark and Jinyoung walking in together, they got twisted little grins on their faces, looking ready to spout out all their accusations and innuendos under the presumption they were going to humiliate the two of them and put them through yet another living hell.

Before they could, Mark reached out and took Jinyoung’s hand. They laced their fingers together, and for good measure, Mark lifted Jinyoung’s hand to his lips and kissed it. When he turned to look at all of his old (fake, two-faced) friends, they were gawking in disbelief at their intended target deflecting what they’d thought was a bullseye before they’d even finished throwing it.

“Hey, Ian,” Mark said as he walked past. “Thanks for helping me get together with my boyfriend. Don’t mind if I don’t return the favor. It would be much too hard for me to find a girl who’s into human trash. But you know what, good luck out there on your own. Maybe one of these days someone will be desperate enough to wade through the dumpster for you.”

“Sorry you lost your one and only method of getting a girlfriend,” Jinyoung said, looking as if he resisting the urge to stick out his tongue. “I'd look for you on the incel forums a few years from now, but looks like I'm not going to end up the celibate one out of the two of us. Better luck in your next life!"

They walked into the main hallway, heads held high, still holding hands. Mark grinned with what felt like a lifetime of happiness in his smile. He knew that the hard times weren’t entirely over and that life wouldn’t somehow magically cease being unfair in so many ways, but it didn’t tear him down or detract from his joy in the better reality he’d chosen. He wasn’t going it alone anymore, and the hand wrapped up in his was there to guide him forward, to keep holding on when the rest of the world let go.

A/N: Thank you for your love and support of this story! We just have an epilogue left T^T