A/N: Keeping with my theme this year of working on more reader requests, this one was based off a request someone made years ago on ASK for a story about discovering uality, finding self-acceptance, coming out, and facing discrimination. I'm sorry to whoever requested this that it's taken me this long to write it, and I hope that person is still a reader of mine and will enjoy what I've come up with! I hope you all enjoy as well. Updates will be weekly!

“This ,” BamBam said, tossing a tennis ball idly into the air and catching it and throwing it upwards again. This phrase seemed to sum up their summer thus far quite neatly—or perhaps it summed up the entirety of human existence considering that the three of them knew well enough that things would continue to even harder when school started again, and would most likely continue into the future as well.

“Yeah,” Mark said, watching his ceiling fan turn above his head in lazy circles. He remembered when summer used to be fun, and he had lived vibrantly in every minute of it and whined and sobbed when it was all over and he had to go back to the stifling classrooms of his elementary school. What had happened? He asked himself that a lot these days: what happened to me? Where did I go wrong?

“Should we do something?” Jackson asked.

“Like what?” BamBam shot back.

“Dunno,” Jackson said.

They all fell silent again. The ceiling fan whirred overhead. Mark closed his eyes and tried to imagine having another life. The one he’d had before, locked in a happy age like six or seven where the question of “who am I?” hadn’t even thought to enter into his head.

There was a loud thud outside, and the three of them stirred from their puddle on the floor of Mark’s bedroom for a moment. It was silent for another minute and they were just about ready to collapse back on the floor when another thud sounded.

Jackson hoisted himself up near the windowsill and peered outside. “There’s a moving truck at your neighbor’s,” he said.

“Huh,” Mark said, not really caring all that much. “They already moved out a few months ago.”

“Which means someone else is moving in. You’ve got new neighbors.”

“Huh,” Mark said again. This development felt like it had next to nothing to do with his life. He’d barely talked to his old neighbors, a middle aged blonde couple with two toddlers, and he doubted he’d talk to the new ones much either.

“Looks like they’re adults,” Jackson reported.

“Duh,” BamBam said. “They’re the only ones who can afford houses.”

“I mean, I don’t see any kids around. Oh…wait…there does seem to be one kid. Looks about your age, Bammie, or maybe Mark’s.”

“Mmm.” Mark sank completely down back into the floor, feeling the carpet rubbing uncomfortably against the bare skin of his arms. “Doesn’t really matter, does it?”

“Guess not.” Still, Jackson continued to gaze outside the window for lack of anything better to do.

“How many weeks is it now, anyways?” BamBam asked, changing the subject. He’d given absolutely no context, but they all knew what he was talking about—how many weeks until school started again.

“Three,” Mark answered blandly. “Just three.”

“Christ.”

“Hey, it’s not like you two kiddies have to worry about starting high school,” Jackson said, although he probably wasn’t all that worried in his heart of hearts. Jackson was a people person and tended to thrive in all kinds of different environments. His own summer blues were a result of a recent break up with his junior high girlfriend who’d dumped him for a trombone player she’d met at band camp in July. Give him some time, and he’d be back in spirited form, as bright and bursting as a firework.

“I don’t have any friends at school, Jackson,” Mark reminded him.

“Yeah…but you used to. If you just pretend whatever changed never happened-”

“I can’t,” Mark said.

“What did happen, anyways? You never said.”

“You’re right, I didn’t.” And although BamBam and Jackson were the only friends he had left, he wasn’t planning on telling. If he lost them, he wouldn’t have anyone left to talk to.

“And summer’s almost over, and I still haven’t had my growth spurt yet,” BamBam groaned, shifting the attention away from Mark. “I’m going to be the shortest in the class, again, and people are going to throw me into trash cans and pick me last in gym and-”

“I still haven’t had my growth spurt either,” Jackson reminded him for the billionth time. “Solidarity, bro.”

“Yeah, but people actually like you.”

“Not Nina, apparently.” Jackson slammed his head against the window. “Ughh, Nina. What did that damn trombone player have that I don’t have?”

“A trombone?”

“Shut it.”

They fell silent again, until BamBam groaned and buried his head into Mark’s pillow. “This ,” his muffled voice said.

“Yeah,” Jackson said.

“Yeah,” Mark said. Another thud came from outside, but he remained curled up on the floor, drowning it out with misery.

Jackson and BamBam went back to their houses down the street before dinner, and Mark dragged himself downstairs to the kitchen table where his parents were waiting for him with their ever-ready chipper smiles, as if through sheer force of will they could transfer some of their happiness along to him.

“I’ve never seen you this pale before,” his father commented as Mark picked at his mac and cheese. “Don’t you want to get out this summer and get some sun? Hey, why don’t you invite some of your school friends out to the amusement park before school starts back up?”

Mark’s cheeks flushed. He’d admitted to himself a million times that he had no school friends left, but to say so out loud to his parents felt like it would be unbearably humiliating. What could be more pathetic than saying those words to the two people who blindly adored him and thought the best of him no matter what?

“Oh, before I forget, I wanted to tell you,” his mother said, saving him from answering. “I don’t know if you heard the commotion this afternoon, but our new neighbors moved in, and you’ll never guess who it is!”

“You’re right, I’ll never guess,” Mark said in a dull voice. “Who is it?”

“The Parks! You know, Jinyoung’s family? Jinyoung Park from your class?”

Mark dropped his fork. The last thing he wanted in his life was a classmate living next door to him. The fact that it was Jinyoung was another complication. They'd been good friends a while back--it must have been around 5th grade or so--and then Jinyoung had started avoiding him out of nowhere, and they hadn't really talked much since. Seeing him again would inevitably be awkward. But even more so than that, he wanted to keep his school life and his home life as separated as possible so his parents wouldn’t pick up on the fact that anything was going on. What if Jinyoung let it slip to his parents that Mark was basically anti-social and withdrawn at school, and what if the Parks then passed that information along to Mark’s parents?

Not that Jinyoung would have any room to judge. He kept to himself for the most part, too, and didn’t really belong to any cliques or larger circles of friends that Mark knew of. Mark’s ex-friend group had gossiped about him in the past (they loved to gossip—that was part of the reason Mark had ditched them, realizing that if he got any closer to them and they figured out the truth, he’d be the one they’d delight in gossiping about), and their general consensus about Jinyoung Park was that there was something “off” about him. Mark wasn’t sure there was anything of value in their speculation—Jinyoung had probably just gotten shyer when puberty hit and nothing more—but now that Mark was also in the same withdrawn and friendless boat, he had to wonder if something was going on behind the scenes that made Jinyoung like that too.

“Surprised?” His mother asked, confusing his reaction for being pleasantly shocked into speechlessness. “I told Mrs. Park you’d be thrilled to have him around. I know you’ve already got BamBam and Jackson living in the area, but since they’re not the same age and they don’t go to your school, I thought this would be an even more special treat for you.”

Mark muttered noncommittally. To him, it didn’t sound like a treat at all. Nothing sounded like a treat anymore, except for the impossibilities of life: going back in time. Making himself go back to how he used to be. Disappearing.

“I was going to bring over some of our leftover lasagna after dinner since the Parks don’t have access to any of their cooking things at the moment,” his mother continued. “Why don’t you come over with me and pay a little visit to Jinyoung? I’m sure he’d love to see a familiar face after all the chaos of moving.”

“I don’t know,” Mark said, shifting uncomfortably. “He’s probably busy with unpacking and stuff.”

“Nonsense! You can keep him company. Besides, you’ve barely seen any of your school friends all summer. Don’t you want to catch up before school starts in a few weeks?”

No, Mark answered internally. No, I absolutely do not. But if he said that out loud, his mother would get all concerned and his father would scold him for being rude, and he’d only wind up making things worse for himself. “Sure, whatever,” he mumbled instead. He’d just say a quick ‘hi’ to Jinyoung and immediately go back home. With any luck, Jinyoung would have no interest in talking to him either, and it would last no more than a few seconds in total.

After dinner was over, he helped his mother wrap their casserole dish full of lasagna in foil, then walked with her and his father across the yard to the house where the Parks now lived. His mother rang the doorbell, and a moment later, a pretty middle aged woman open the door. Immediately, the adults went off in a flurry of greetings and hugs and handshakes as if they were old friends, though Mark couldn’t imagine they knew Mrs. Park very much beyond the occasional school events they both attended.

“I can’t tell you how overjoyed I am that Jinyoung will have a school friend next door,” Mrs. Park said, turning to Mark with a bright smile. “The boy never goes out of the house, I swear! It’ll be healthy for him to socialize a little more outside of the classroom.” She turned around, calling into the hallway. “Jinyoung! Mark’s here!”

A moment later, Jinyoung himself appeared on the stairs leading to the foyer, a painfully forced smile on his face. “Hey,” he said to Mark, ducking his head a little. He looked a little different than how he had when Mark had seen him last a few months ago. He’d grown his hair out a little longer so his rather large ears weren’t so noticeable, and he’d gotten a little bit taller too. He’d always been fairly good-looking for someone who wasn’t very popular, but unlike a lot of their other classmates, puberty seemed to be improving him rather than making him worse.

“Hey,” Mark said back. Their parents seemed to wait a moment for them to say something more, but Mark really had nothing to say, and neither did Jinyoung, it seemed.

“Jinyoung, you needed help with some of your boxes, didn’t you?” Mrs. Park asked quickly, dispelling the awkward silence. “Why don’t you show Mark to your room while I dig up our silverware and get the table set, all right?”

Jinyoung shrugged, and gestured Mark towards the stairs. Mark didn’t really want to go up to his room, but it felt like it would be rude to decline, so sighed and joined him on his way up.

“Sorry about this,” Jinyoung said when their parents were out of earshot. “I mean…I didn’t know how to tell my parents you and I aren’t really…you know…’friends,’ so they’re probably going to be nagging you to come over all the time now.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Mark said. “Mine are pretty much the same.” He stepped into Jinyoung’s room, though it didn’t really feel like it belonged to him yet given that it was nothing more than a pile of boxes. “Need me to help with anything?”

“Not really.” He pointed to a chair among the scattered collection of furniture he hadn’t arranged yet. “Feel free to sit.”

Mark did. Jinyoung crossed the room and started unpacking stacks of books from a cardboard box. Mark had no idea what to say to him. He couldn’t really remember much of what they’d talked about back when they were friends, other than their mutual obsession with the cartoon show Deputy Dog Duffy. They'd used to meet up every day at recess, since they never managed to be in the same class as each other, to talk about the new episode that had just come out. But they could hardly talk about that now they were older (though Mark still watched the show from time to time, in secret), and Mark couldn’t remember any other commonalities between them off the top of his head.

 “Look,” Jinyoung said at length. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to become friends with me just because I moved here.”

“You don’t have to be friends with me either, if you don’t want,” Mark said.

“It’s not that,” Jinyoung said quickly. “It’s just…from your side of things, it would look bad if you started hanging out with me, right?”

Mark blinked, suddenly feeling wary. “Why do you say that?”

“I mean…Ian from your friend group hates me, doesn’t he? Back when he used to hang out in 5^th grade, he basically told me to screw off from you because I was making you look bad.”

Mark frowned. He’d had no idea something like that had happened, but it did at least explain why Jinyoung had stopped wanting to chat about their show out of nowhere. “I’m not friends with them anymore,” he said. “What Ian says doesn’t matter to me.” This was a total lie, of course. Sometimes he had nightmares about Ian finding out about him and making his life a living hell through how much everything he said mattered to everyone else.

“Oh, um, I’d noticed you hadn’t been speaking to them lately and stuff,” Jinyoung said. “But I thought now that Anisa and Ty broke up and Ty transferred out of our school, you’d go back to-”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Mark snapped before Jinyoung could finish, his face turning bright red.

Jinyoung’s cheeks also flushed, and he darted his eyes away. “N-Nothing.”

Mark scowled at him fiercely. “I don’t know what you’ve heard, but it’s all bull anyways and it’s got nothing to do with you, so just drop it, OK?”

Jinyoung nodded mutely, looking somewhat terrified. Perhaps Mark had risen his voice more than he’d needed to, but he just couldn’t bear to hear that name again, much less from someone who was only pretending like he had a clue what he was talking about.

Mark took a deep breath. “Look, Jinyoung. I don’t have anything against you personally, and I’m sorry Ian was an to you back in 5^th grade. I don’t know what he was playing at, but I’ve never thought hanging out with you would make me look bad. But right now, I just want to make it through our last year at Everett quietly, all right? I don’t want to put up with any more fake friends or just friends in general at all. I’d rather just be alone and deal with my own . And from what I know of you, you just want to be left alone, too, right?”

Jinyoung was quiet for a long moment. “Just because you’re alone by choice doesn’t mean that everyone else is,” he said in a soft voice at length.

“Hmm?”

“You may have willingly pushed everyone in your own life away, but I didn’t,” Jinyoung said, a little louder this time. “Do you think these past two years have been happy ones for me, having no friends? Because they haven’t been. They’ve .”

Mark looked at him in surprise. “Then why haven’t you- ”

“Tried harder to make friends? Why don’t you ask your little ex-friend Ian about that?” Jinyoung’s voice came out incredibly sarcastically. “You should feel fortunate that the only dirt he has on you is a stupid little love triangle that everyone’s probably already forgotten about anyways.”

Mark was about to snap that it was way more than a stupid little love triangle, but reminded himself quickly that the whole reason he was putting himself through this self-imposed exile was because he didn’t want anyone to figure out it was anything more than that. Besides, it seemed like Jinyoung was also dealing with something potentially worse, though Mark couldn’t imagine for the life of him what kind of dirt anyone would have on such a seemingly clean cut and normal person.

“I’m sorry,” Mark said finally. “I’m sorry I was ever friends with him.”

Jinyoung didn’t answer, just grabbed more books from his box and slammed them down on the bed.

“And I’m sorry things haven’t been going well for you at school,” Mark continued feebly. “I didn’t know about it. And for what it’s worth, Ian has never spread any specific bad gossip about you to me or the rest of them.”

“How nice of him,” Jinyoung said, his tone still a little sarcastic. “What a saint.”

The two of them fell silent again, a silence so uncomfortable it almost felt physically painful. Mark hadn’t really thought much about Jinyoung in a long time, but apparently Jinyoung had hated him by association because of his friend group for a while. Not that Mark could fully blame him for that. He’d known in his heart of hearts that they weren’t terrific people, but had stayed quiet and complicit in all their nastiness until it had risked effecting him. Maybe all that made him a less than terrific person, too.

A moment later, Mrs. Park called up “Jinyoung, dinner’s ready!” Jinyoung grunted and brushed past Mark on his way through his bedroom door. With a grimace, Mark got up and followed him down.

“Mark, I brought up that amusement park idea from dinner to Jinyoung’s parents, and they thought it would be fantastic,” Mark’s father announced as soon as they set foot downstairs. “I got you boys tickets to Joyland on Thursday as an end of summer present.”

Mark usually got along well with his father, but at the moment was strongly considering nailing him with a very un-filial kick in the . After that kind of discussion, now he was supposed to spend an entire day riding the Ferris Wheel and enjoying coasters with Jinyoung? Couldn’t he have at least asked for Mark’s approval first before going ahead and buying the tickets?

Jinyoung's smile in response to this was also incredibly strained. “You didn’t have to do that, Mr. Tuan.”

“Think nothing of it. Go out and live a little! It’s not good for young boys to spend their lives cooped up inside.”

Jinyoung glanced at Mark, and Mark shrugged back helplessly. They would most likely have to go or risk disappointing their parents. Mark was almost tempted to take that risk, but knew he’d never hear the end of it if his parents got it into their heads that he was bullying Jinyoung.

“I guess I’ll see you Thursday, then,” Jinyoung said, a bit flatly.

“Yeah, sure,” Mark grumbled. This , he thought to himself. This , this , this .

Jinyoung was pretty sure the universe was playing a joke on him. That had to be why out of all the vacant houses in the town his family could have ended up in, they’d moved into the exact one that was next door to Mark Tuan.

God was probably laughing hysterically at this development. He probably had big, fat tears rolling out of his eyes over the fact that Jinyoung’s entire life would now essentially be shadowed by the one person he was desperate to stay as far away as possible from. At least Jinyoung hoped someone was getting some enjoyment out of it, because he sure wasn’t.

And now he would be going to Joyland with him. Joyland. The kind of place people went to with their best buddy or on playful summer dates with their new boyfriend or girlfriend, and he would be going there with Mark freaking Tuan of all people.

“When you’re done laughing up there, God, just go ahead and hit me with lightning, please,” Jinyoung muttered under his breath as he dug through his closet for something passable to wear. “I give up. You win. Just kill me now.”

Unfortunately, the heavens remained uncooperative as ever. Or perhaps this was just heaven cooperating with him far too late, considering back when he was in 5^th grade, he’d prayed constantly that one day Mark would ask him to hang out outside of school. 5^th grade Jinyoung would have turned cartwheels over the idea of going to Joyland with Mark. It probably would have been the happiest day of his life. 8^th grade Jinyoung, on the other hand, was far too jaded by life to be happy about it. It wasn’t as if Mark had actually wanted to go with him, or even would have asked him if his father hadn’t essentially forced the tickets on the two of them. Mark had made it quite apparent that if even if he didn’t hate Jinyoung (or know the reason why he should hate him), he wasn’t interested in becoming friends with him or anyone.

Jinyoung eventually settled on a plain blue shirt and jeans, and rumpled them a little in his hands before putting them on so it would look like he’d just thrown them on haphazardly after getting out of bed and put zero thought into it. Not that he thought Mark would notice or care either way. Mark clearly hadn’t thought of him at all since the moment Jinyoung had stopped talking to him two and a half years ago after Ian had threatened him off, and on top of that, Mark clearly didn’t notice guys in the same way Jinyoung did. He was into girls who looked like they could star in shampoo ads like Anisa Koppelman, the girl he’d practically gotten into a fistfight with her (now ex) boyfriend over.

Jinyoung glared at his reflection in the mirror. He was definitely no Anisa Koppelman. He was the kind of guy other guys beat up, not the kind they fought over.

With one last unforgiving glare at himself, Jinyoung stomped downstairs and retrieved his shoes from the foyer. “I’m going over to Mark’s,” he announced for the benefit of his parents, who were sitting at the kitchen table. A childish part of him wanted to bask in the glow of finally getting to say those words, up until the bitter, more mature part of him snapped that he needed to get over himself and grow up.

“Have fun, sweetie!” his mother called back.

“Not likely,” he muttered as he headed out the door. He’d be lucky if this ended without Mark ditching him halfway through.

Mark was looking equally pessimistic when he opened his front door when Jinyoung rang. But even with that kind of bleak expression on his face, he still looked devastatingly handsome, and Jinyoung couldn’t hold back the momentary chest flutter the sight of him always caused. He’d always assumed it would weaken a little after he’d come to terms with the fact that he and Mark were never going to be an item ever, but his heart was nothing if not pitifully loyal to his first ever crush. Maybe the problem was that he’d been too scared to fall for anyone else, so his heart just assumed that meant he was still into Mark, even though it should have known better by now just how impossible that was.

“Hey,” Jinyoung said, because that seemed to be the only safe thing to say.

“Hey,” Mark said back. “We’re ready to head out if you are.”

Mrs. Tuan drove the two of them to Joyland, which kept things from getting too awkward in the car. She wanted to know everything there was to know about Jinyoung the way that mothers always did, so Jinyoung mainly spent the ride fielding questions about school and his interests while Mark remained quiet. Still, Mark at least seemed to be listening, which might wind up being helpful since he doubted Mark actually remembered much about him other than that they both used to be fans of the cartoon show Deputy Dog Duffy, which documented the adventures of a dog who was also a sheriff’s deputy trying to rein in cowboys, bandits, and mischievous horses in the Wild West.

On the flipside, Jinyoung had never stopped noticing Mark, even when they’d stopped talking, so he still knew quite a bit about him. Mark had moved on from cartoons to computer games. He was active and a bit of a daredevil while still being incredibly introverted. He hung out with jerks (previously), but had yet remained nice and kind to everyone else in the class, and almost everyone thought well of him. He was a hell of a lot smarter than he looked, and though he didn’t put much effort into school, he was still probably one of the more intelligent kids in their grade.

He was miserable. Jinyoung recognized that, too. The whole thing with Anisa and Ty last year had made him miserable, and he’d shut down a lot from who he’d used to be. He didn’t smile and laugh a lot anymore. He seemed nervous when he was around others, and for some reason became overly self-conscious about everything he did and said. Jinyoung sometimes wondered why that was, but then again he knew that unrequited love could mess you up pretty badly. Especially when that unrequited loved exploded into a rumor  that people tried to use against you.

Mrs. Tuan dropped them off at Joyland, and after she’d made sure they had their tickets and park maps and cell phones so that they could call her if they needed her, they were on their own. The awkwardness felt almost palpable, but Jinyoung was going to do his best to soldier through it. As long as Mark didn’t pick up on the lingering remains of Jinyoung’s old crush, everything else was inconsequential.

“Where do you want to start?” he asked, pulling open the park map.

“Dunno. What do you like?”

As it so happened, Jinyoung was afraid of heights so he didn’t like most of the things in Joyland to begin with. “How about the bumper cars?” he tried.

“Sure, those are always fun. Looks like the line’s that way.” They skirted around the throngs of little kids to head towards the more low-intensity rides. Still, even though the bumper cars weren’t as popular as the coasters, the line was still fairly long. They were probably going to have to put up with ten minutes of waiting in awkward silence before they could get on the ride.

To Jinyoung’s surprise, Mark broke the silence first. “By the way,” he started, as if they were continuing a long and ongoing conversation between them. “If things are feeling lonely for you at school, I could introduce you to my neighborhood friends. They can be brats sometimes, but they’re good guys. I’ve been friends with them pretty much my whole life.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Jinyoung said. The last thing he wanted was for Mark to start treating him like a charity case, considering he was already putting up with that from his parents.

“I don’t mind. They’re feeling a bit lonely themselves, you know. BamBam is kind of…uh…the runt of the litter at school, and Jackson just broke up with his girlfriend, so they’re in need of some more friendly faces in their life. I think you’d like them.”

Jinyoung wondered if this meant Mark would also hang out with him together with these friends of his. He'd thought Mark didn't want to have anything to do with anyone at school, but maybe this would be an exception, as long as these Jackson and BamBam guys were along as buffers.

"Maybe," Jinyoung said with a shrug. “But really, I don’t need you to feel sorry for me.”

“It’s not you in particular,” Mark said with a shrug. “I just kind of feel sorry for everyone in general, myself included.”

“Why?”

“Because life isn’t fair.”

It felt like such a stereotypically whiny teenager thing to say that Jinyoung almost snorted dismissively, but it wasn’t as if it wasn’t true. A life that came with so many rules and restrictions that favored only one type of person and put limiters on everyone else was hardly fair. Still, it was the life they were living, and they couldn’t just spend every day of it feeling sorry for themselves. Jinyoung was already getting tired of doing just that.

“It’s too bad that you’ve gotten so pessimistic,” Jinyoung said finally, leaning against the metal partition keeping them in line.

“Hmm?”

“You used to have a nice smile.”

“Did I?”

“And a nice laugh, too. I remember that.” Jinyoung’s lips twitched a little as he tried to hold his own smile back. “You used to think Mack the bulldog sheriff on Deputy Dog Duffy was so funny that sometimes you’d almost choke with how hard you laughed.”

“Well. He was funny.”

“Maybe life wouldn’t feel so terrible if you found something that funny again.”

 “I’ll keep looking, then.” His voice sounded doubtful, as if he intended to do nothing of the sort.

Finally, they made it to the head of the line and were able to enter into the bumper car zone to pick out their cars. Jinyoung slipped into a shiny red one, and gave the wheel a few experimental turns even though the car was still powered down. It had been so long since he’d done something like this that he barely remembered how it worked. It probably didn’t really even matter. As long as he swung the wheel and rammed into people, he was doing it right.

Mark slid into the blue car next to him. “Hey, wanna team up?”

“Against…?”

Mark pointed over to a row of little boys in front of them. “They were bragging way too much about how good they are at bumper cars in line. Let’s show them who’s boss.”

Jinyoung smiled. To him, this sounded promising, like something too actual friends would do instead of two people who were essentially hanging out under duress. “Sure, let’s give it a shot.”

When the bumper car zone powered up, Jinyoung turned the wheel to aim at the boys. Unfortunately, it turned way more than he’d been expecting and he instead slammed right into Mark, plowing his bumper car against the nearby wall. He was just about to apologize and explain himself when Mark looked up at him, eyes practically glinting with malice. “Oho, Jinyoung. You’re going to betray me just like that? I hope you’re ready for the revenge you just signed on for.” He smiled threateningly, showing his sharp canines.

Jinyoung could feel his heart begin to pound pleasantly at the sight. It reminded him so much of the smile he’d used to see on Mark’s face so often in the past, the smile that had made him all fluttery and strange two and a half years ago. He hadn’t actually meant to run into Mark, but he was ready to play along if the thought of getting revenge made Mark smile just like that. “You’ll have to catch me first,” he said, sticking out his tongue. He turned the car away sharply, speeding off in the opposite direction.

“JINYOUNG!” he heard Mark roar behind him as he gave chase. Jinyoung attempted to dodge around a little girl who was coming closer, but the little girl giggled and gave him a hard ram, sending him sailing to the left right in the path of Mark. Mark gleefully slammed Jinyoung’s car into the wall, cackling evilly as Jinyoung attempted to turn his wheel and get away to no avail. “HA! Got you.”

Two seconds later, a middle aged man slammed into Mark, also pinning Mark’s car in place. “Ha ha!” Jinyoung said, sticking out his tongue again.

“Oh, now you’re going to get it,” Mark said, cracking his knuckles.

They spent the rest of their time going back and forth trying to hit each other with varying success, considering everyone else around them was also bumping into them at regular intervals. Jinyoung got one last bump against Mark in before the ride powered down, giving him the last laugh, but that didn’t matter so much to him as the fact that Mark was laughing, too.

Jinyoung attempted to reach out and give Mark a conciliatory pat on the back, but Mark jerked away, still grinning. “Don’t do that, Jinyoung,” he said. “My back hurts.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, from you stabbing me in it!”

Jinyoung threw his head back and laughed. “Sorry. What’s that quote? Everything is fair in love and war? It was war, so I did what I had to.”

“That quote is the biggest bit of BS I’ve ever heard.”

“And yet people still quote it.” Jinyoung pulled out the park map. “Where to now?”

Mark, looking far more upbeat than he had before, scanned the map with interest. “Here,” he said, pointing to a picture of a rollercoaster. “That just opened recently, so I want to give it a try.”

Jinyoung’s stomach felt a little queasy at the prospect of getting on a coaster. “Y-You’re sure?”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun!”

Mark looked so excited about it that Jinyoung didn’t have the heart to turn his idea down. He’d just have to give his best try and hope that he’d gotten a bit braver since the last time he’d gotten on a rollercoaster. “All right…let’s go.”

The line was quite long, so he could at least delay his torture a bit. And Mark was in comparatively high spirits from before, and was talking quite animatedly of a time in the past when he’d gone to Joyland with his cousin and they’d gotten stuck at the top of the Tower of Terror and had been up there for forty minutes while the technicians fixed the ride. As happy as he was to have Mark smiling and talking to him like they could conceivably be friends, this story really didn’t put his mind at any more ease about getting on the coaster.

When they made it to the platform to get on the ride, Jinyoung froze in place when their turn came. “Come on!” Mark said eagerly, grabbing Jinyoung by the wrist and pulling him forward. Jinyoung woodenly followed him, spurred on only by the feel of Mark’s skin against his. This is a bad idea, he realized. He’d probably freak out and wind up bawling like a baby in front of Mark. He was inevitably going to embarrass himself, and it would ruin Mark’s perception of him even more than it already was.

Still, there was no going back. The car lurched to life and immediately turned the corner to take them up an impossibly tall hill, one that seemed to stretch upwards for miles.

“Oh no,” Jinyoung groaned. “No, no, no.”

“It’s OK,” he heard Mark say beside him. “Close your eyes.”

Jinyoung squeezed them shut, but he could still hear the clank of the chains on the tracks pulling them higher and higher and groaned again.

“It’s OK, you’ll be fine,” Mark said again. “It’ll all be over in just a little bit.”

Jinyoung wasn’t sure how this was supposed to make him feel better, but he knew Mark’s intentions were kind, which did help a little. Still, when he felt the first cars going over the edge and could hear the other passengers screaming, his stomach sank terribly.

“It’s OK,” Mark said quickly. “It’s OK, it’s OKAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Jinyoung screamed wildly as the car plummeted. He held tightly to the bars and screamed and screamed as they rocketed through turns and were pulled down and up all over again. He could hear Mark screaming beside him, but his screams sounded much happier. At least he’s enjoying himself, Jinyoung thought hazily. Small blessings.

It felt like an eternity of being jerked around and forward at needlessly fast speeds before the car barreled back onto the platform and they screeched to a stop. Jinyoung hauled himself out of the seat as soon as he could and stumbled onto the platform with wobbly legs. Mark grabbed his shoulders and steadied him, gently leading him down the steps back to the ground until they reached a bench they could collapse onto. Jinyoung leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and buried his head in his hands he tried to chase the nauseous feeling away. The whole world still felt like it was spinning.

He could feel Mark’s hand on his back, rubbing circles against the fabric of his shirt. “You should have told me you didn’t want to go on,” Mark chided him gently.

It was awhile before Jinyoung could say anything, before the dizziness faded and was instead replaced by a hyperawareness of Mark’s soothing touch against him. Jinyoung was momentarily surprised he was being so kind about it—wouldn’t most boys their age be tearing into Jinyoung for being a wuss right now?—but then again, Mark’s kindness had always been one of the things Jinyoung had liked most about him. He was either displaying that, or else being cautious with Jinyoung because he suspected he might puke.

Finally, Jinyoung lifted his head. “Sorry,” he said weakly. “You looked really excited about going on it, so I—”

“,” Mark chided him again, giving him a little nudge on the head with his knuckles. “You don’t have to make yourself sick just because I wanted to go on. I like the other rides too, OK?”

“Sorry.”

“Come on, stop apologizing.” Mark gave him a whack on the back, then at last pulled his hand away. “You’re a nice guy, you know that?”

“Not really.”

“I mean it. You’re nice.” A pause. “I’m sorry we ever stopped hanging out.”

Jinyoung almost jerked upright in shock. “W-What?” He must have heard him incorrectly.

“I’m sorry we ever stopped hanging out,” Mark said again. “My life probably would have been a lot better if I’d had a friend like you instead of the friends I did have.”

Jinyoung cheeks turned a little pink. “Yeah, but…I was the one who stopped talking to you.”

“So? I shouldn’t have let you. I’m sure I still had more to say about Deputy Duffy that you never got to hear because I just let you disappear on me.” He took a breath and rose to his feet. “Come on. My mom gave me two twenties for us to go get lunch. Let’s go sit down for a bit inside until you’re feeling better, OK?”

As luck would have it, there was a burger restaurant nearby called the Cowpoke Saloon which was attached to a Wild West themed arcade and carnival game area and very much evoked the spirit of Deputy Dog Duffy, their one little thread of connection from the past. Mark herded Jinyoung into a table, then got in line to get them some burgers and drinks as he wondered in the back of his mind what the hell he was doing.

Befriending Jinyoung was the right thing to do. He knew that. He didn’t at all like the thought of such a nice person being ostracized for no reason (probably?), and he didn’t want to just turn a blind eye to Jinyoung’s situation just because he was going through his own thing. Besides, Jinyoung was a lot more fun than he’d even remembered. Being his friend had the potential of being a lot less like walking on eggshells and repeatedly dodging becoming a target than being friends with Ian and all the others had.

But all the same, he knew being close to Jinyoung at school would make him a target. He’d managed to fly under the radar at the end of the year by being nondescript and unobtrusive, but befriending Jinyoung would change that again. Mark’s old friend group would notice immediately, and they’d start paying attention to him more closely, and what if they somehow found out about what he'd successfully hidden from them before?

And on the same note, what if Jinyoung found out after Mark befriended him? Would he be disgusted? Would he look back on any time Mark interacted with him, even the innocently meant things like Mark rubbing his back when he was feeling sick, and be grossed out by it?

Mark was beginning to feel a little sick himself, and needed to take a few deep breaths before he could calm down again. He hated feeling like this more than anything. But he wasn’t even sure what he hated more—who he was, or the part of him that was afraid of who he was.

Putting it out of his mind, he walked up to the counter and ordered their lunch. He’d gotten this far in the day by forgetting that he was supposed to be careful and unhappy, and it had actually felt good. He had smiled. He had laughed. He’d made a joke, and stopped thinking every other second ‘this ’. He wanted to keep moving forward like that, unbound by anything while feeling that being truly unbound was still possible.

He returned to the table with their burgers and cokes, and passed Jinyoung’s to him. Jinyoung was surveying the nearby games with interest, looking much less green and nauseous than he had before.

“Want to go around the arcade and booths when we’re done eating?” Mark asked.

Jinyoung nodded. “Looks like we can find out if the fastest shot in the West is you or me over at that one booth.”

“It’s gonna be me.”

“All right, Justin Timberlake.” Jinyoung smiled a little. It wasn’t the wide, devious look he’d had back at the bumper cars, but something much more tentative. Mark found himself wishing that Jinyoung didn’t feel any need to hold himself back, while at the same time realizing how unfair that was, considering how careful Mark tended to be around other people, too. “Don’t let me stop you from going on more rollercoasters, by the way. We can split up, and I can go on the carousel or something when you’re on the bigger rides.”

Mark shook his head. “Nah, it’s fine. Let’s stick it out together.”

“Don’t want to disappoint our parents, right?”

“What do they have to do with anything?”

“They were the ones who got us tickets together.”

Right. Mark had almost forgotten, which was strange because he’d been giving his father the cold shoulder the entire week because of it. “Whatever,” Mark said. “Joke’s on them. Tickets to this place are freaking expensive, and they just paid for us to have a mini-vacation without us even asking. Maybe that was my jedi-mind-trick plan for the whole summer. You know, pretend to be pitiful so that my parents are willing to pay the big bucks to get me out of the house.”

“How underhanded.”

“What can I say? I have a lot of time on my hands.”

Jinyoung smiled a little wider then, and Mark felt a new sense of certainty. Life was unfair, but it was even more unfair for him to have to be alone just because he had this thing inside himself he didn’t know what to do with. It wasn’t his fault, was it? He’d never asked for it, and he hadn’t even acted on it, in the end. Maybe it was time to stop punishing himself so much. Maybe it was time for him to allow himself the pleasure of the few things in life that didn’t actually rather than wallowing in the misery of all the things that did.​