Mark would have much rather preferred to spend his Saturday shoe shopping with BamBam and Jackson, but as misfortune would have it, Wilmington High School was hosting its “entrance test” bright and early at 7:30 in the morning. Said test was made all the more annoying by the fact that it was essentially meaningless—Wilmington was a private school, and anyone who could pay the expensive tuition price tag would be accepted into the school, regardless of passing or failing the entrance test. The only impact it had was that the five people who received the top scores would get their tuition cut down by half, and Mark already knew there was no way he’d score in the top five, nevermind the fact that he didn’t actually think he deserved a 50% discount given that his family was well off enough to where they wouldn’t be struggling to afford his education as other families might.

Still, there was one silver lining. When he made it downstairs for breakfast, his mother cheerily announced that they would also be driving Jinyoung to the testing center, which meant Mark could finally make sure he was doing OK after he’d gone home sick from school the day before. He’d texted Jackson about it last night after arriving home from his self-defense practice with BamBam, but Jackson had been frustratingly vague about how Jinyoung had been when he’d looked in, and had basically told him to talk to Jinyoung about it himself.

And that was what Mark did as soon as Jinyoung opened the door to hop into the car. “How are you feeling?” he asked, giving Jinyoung a glance over. He still wasn’t looking terribly well—there were dark circles under his eyes, and no hint of his usual smile.

“So-so,” Jinyoung said tiredly. “And I doubt taking this test is going to help.”

“Do you think you’re up to it?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. My parents aren’t putting too much pressure on me to get the discount.”

“Yeah, mine either.”

“Mark!” his mother protested from the front seat. “Didn’t we tell you already that we wanted you to take this seriously? You don’t need to get the discount, sure, but they’ll be keeping a record of your results and who knows what colleges will be able to get ahold of it-”

She went off into a lecture about the importance of academic achievement for college placement, so unfortunately they weren’t able to say much else to each other before his mother pulled into the Wilmington lot. There was a sign-in table in the school’s atrium, and the staff behind it informed him he would be taking the test in room 1-A instead of the multi-purpose room where most of the other students would be—there had apparently been some overflow due to the amount of people taking the test.

“I guess we’ll be splitting up for the moment, then,” Jinyoung said. He’d been assigned to the multi-purpose room. “Let’s meet up at the front of the building when we’re done.”

“Sounds good. Good luck.”

“Good luck to you, too.”

Mark took the main hallway down to room 1-A. It didn’t look like the examiner had arrived yet, since most of the students were gathered together in clumps, talking and laughing and fooling around. Mark scanned the room to see if he knew anyone and locked eyes with Eileen Montblanc from his class. Her eyes lit up as she waved at him, and she looked like she was about ready to come over to talk to him when someone else stepped up in front of Mark, blocking his view of her.

His body seized in terror as he met a pair of familiar green eyes, eyes belonging to the last person in the world he wanted to see. Ty Langford was standing in front of him as if he’d stepped out of the dark recesses of Mark’s mind, his longish black hair tucked away from his face to reveal the kind of chilly expression that let Mark know right away that he wasn’t any happier to see Mark than Mark was to see him.

“Ty,” Mark said weakly, taking an instinctive step back. “How…how are you?”

“Oh, just wonderful,” Ty said sarcastically. “Thrilled that we’re going to high school together, apparently. I was dying to spend more time with you and give you more opportunities to try to steal my girlfriends.”

Mark flushed. “I…I didn’t actually…”

“Yeah, I know you didn’t, and what’s with that?” he snapped. “You caused all that trouble, and then when Anisa and I split up, she stopped mattering to you and you couldn’t be bothered to show an interest anymore? I thought you’d be after her the second I let her go, but Ian told me that you never even spoke to her again after that. Were you only after her in the first place to be a to me?”

“No! It’s just…” He couldn’t come up with anything to say, and just stood there awkwardly.

“Great. Can’t even be bothered to come up with a convincing lie for your old pal?”

“I never lied to you,” Mark said with uncharacteristic meekness. “I wouldn’t…”

“Right. You just stay silent whenever I say anything about it. Even better.” Ty folded his arms across his chest. “You know, I want to think you were doing it just to be a . You don’t seem like the type, but who knows? They always say to beware the quiet ones. But you being a total, jealous who gets off chasing after other peoples’ girlfriends is better than the only other reason I could come up with—that you’re a jealous er who wanted my for yourself.”

Mark had never felt in his life the way those words made him feel—simultaneously humiliated, terrified, trapped, and filled with indescribable horror. It was like every bad emotion he was capable of had been given free reign over his body and was now torturing every part of him they could get a hold of, stabbing his heart, unraveling his mind, battering his spirit, tearing down his soul. He hated Ty with every fiber of his being for saying it, but stronger than even that, he felt as if he equally—or perhaps far greater—loathed himself and who he was for being guilty of this accusation spoken with such disgust and scorn. He wanted so badly for it not to be true, to be able to confidently dismiss Ty’s words and snap right back at him with something equally hurtful, but it was true. It was true, and his sense of shame over it felt amplified more than it ever had after hearing it in a voice that spoke of it like it was filth with eyes that looked back at him as if he was scum.

Nothing—not the truth, not his ongoing battle to accept himself, not his heart itself—mattered more to him in that moment than refusing to give Ty Langford the satisfaction of knowing the damage his words had done. Mark shoved everything back, forcing his expression into something cold and uncaring and lifting his chin defiantly. “Maybe you should stop your own and get over yourself, Langford,” he said icily, lying in the exact way he said he wouldn’t just minutes ago. “I wanted your girlfriend, not you.”

For some reason, Ty didn’t seem ticked by this admission the way he had the first time he’d confronted Mark about it. He simply smiled, as if he still had the upper hand. “Good,” he said. “Glad you didn’t give a about our friendship either. It makes me feel less guilty about the fact that I was only pretending to be your friend. Ian asked me to because he needed you around as the group chick magnet, and he wanted someone to get close to you and keep you around so you wouldn't just go running back to your loser friend Jinyoung. So I acted like I was as much of goody-goody bookworm as him around you, and you ate it right up. I was your perfect little Jinyoung replacement, and in exchange, Ian helped me get together with Anisa." Ty smirked. "Better to get it out there that you never gave a damn about me, and I never gave a damn about someone as boring and pathetic as you.” With that, he brushed past Mark, nailing him on the shoulder as he went, and slipped into a seat at the front of the room.

If there was anything he could have said to make Mark feel even worse, it was that.

It had been a lie. The whole thing had been a lie.

Mark sat down numbly, everything around him fading into dull murmurs. He barely even noticed when the examiner came in and hashed out a few rules before setting the test down in front of him. He could barely read any of the questions or process how to answer them. His mind just kept going back to the same thing over and over again.

It had been a lie. And he had fallen for it. He had fallen and fallen hard.

And now he’d crashed landed back into reality. But what was reality, even, now that he knew he’d been living the past few years in a fantasy? Ty had been fake, Ian had been fake—what else? Was everything inside of Mark just as fake? He almost hoped it was. He didn’t want to be himself anymore. He didn’t want to be the kind of person this could happen to again. He wanted that layer of thick skin that made guys like Ian and Ty so untouchable, so sure of themselves and unable to be torn down. The kind of person no one could say anything against, because they always had the last word. A sharp, biting, whip-like last word.

You don’t want to become the kind of person you hate, a sensible part of himself tried to remind him.

It doesn’t matter. I already hate myself at it is.

No, the sensible part reminded him. Didn’t you just yesterday start to feel hope for the first time because you were finally honest with yourself? Didn’t you start liking yourself a little more because loving Jinyoung made you braver?

Who’s to say I didn’t trick myself into believing that, too?

He stumbled through the entirety of the test in an unfocused daze, and was prepared to bolt out of the room the second it was over. He was stopped only by Eileen’s hand on his elbow, pulling him to a stop uncomfortably close to Ty’s desk.

“Hey, Mark,” she said, a bit breathlessly. “I know this is incredibly short notice, but I was wondering…are you going with anyone to the Winter Formal?”

“The what?” Mark echoed, barely registering her words.

“The Winter Formal,” she repeated. “The dance in the school gym Monday night? Are you going with anyone?”

Mark had entirely forgotten that such a thing was even scheduled. It had been announced in the midst of his burgeoning feelings for Jinyoung, and it wasn’t like he could have asked him, anyways.

“No,” Mark said. “I’m not.”

“Welll…would you like to go with me?” She looked at him eagerly. “I know it’s super, super short notice, but I have an extra ticket, and I thought it would be fun if you could come since we haven’t gotten to talk much this year…right?”

The person she probably wanted to go with bailed on her, Mark thought. Why else would she be scrambling for someone at the last minute? Not that it bothered him to be a last resort. What really bothered him was how Ty was glancing at him in amusement as he eavesdropped on their conversation, as if he still didn’t believe Mark’s denial and was waiting for the evidence to prove him right.

Mark squared his shoulders, anger flooding through him again. “Yeah, I’ll go with you,” he said, a bit more aggressively than he meant. Eileen didn’t seem to notice—if anything, she just looked relieved.

“Great!” she said. “Once again…sorry I asked you so late. You have something you can wear, right?”

He nodded.

“Then I’ll meet you Monday in front of the gym with the tickets. 6:15 sound good?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

She beamed at him. “Perfect! I’m so psyched! Can’t wait to see you there!”

Eileen bounded away, and Mark turned his eyes just slightly to meet Ty’s. He tried to give him a mocking look equal to the one with which Ty looked at him, he couldn’t quite feel it with the sensible part of him still nagging at his every thought. The joke’s on you, isn’t it, Mark? You’re the one running from the truth, and you’re the one who’s going to be hunted down by it when it gets tired of chasing after you.

Mark had looked all right that morning when Jinyoung had seen him, but by time he emerged from the testing room to meet Jinyoung in the atrium, he looked terrible. His eyes were red and had a haunted look to them, and his entire body was held rigidly, as if he no longer remembered how to walk naturally. Eileen Montblanc was walking just a bit in front of him with a spring in her step, and before leaving the building, she turned around to wave at Mark. “Bye!” she said. “See you on Monday!” Jinyoung felt a sharp stab of jealousy when he remembered that she supposedly had a crush on Mark.

Mark waved back, still with that lost look in his eyes, then went over to Jinyoung.

“Have a hard time on the test?” Jinyoung asked, studying Mark’s expression. He hadn’t found it to be difficult, but maybe Mark had, and that was why he was so distressed, especially after listening to his mother’s soliloquy on academic achievement earlier.

“The test?” Mark repeated, as if he hadn’t just spent the past hour or so taking one. “Oh…it was fine.”

“Are you sure? You look a bit traumatized.”

“Uh…I just…wasn’t feeling all that great. The room was too hot and I had a hard time concentrating.”

Jinyoung got the feeling he wasn’t telling the truth, but wasn’t sure why he would lie. What else could have possibly happened to have bothered him so much, other than that he was feeling a bit under the weather?

“You should go home and rest, then,” Jinyoung said. “I was going to invite you over since I missed lunch on Friday, but how about tomorrow if you’re feeling better?”

“Sure,” Mark said, but once again, Jinyoung got a strange feeling he’d barely processed anything that was just said to him.

Feeling anxious, Jinyoung gently reached out to touch him on the shoulder. That at least seemed to jolt Mark out of his fog. He stared at Jinyoung with wide eyes as if this—this small action they’d done innumerable times—was something slightly terrifying. He looked for a moment as if he would try to shrug off his hand, but instead swallowed and stayed still.

“Mark,” Jinyoung said softly. “Are you OK? I mean…really OK?”

Mark didn’t answer for a long moment. His face cycled through so many different things, and Jinyoung could see him trying his best to look tough and indifferent, but when he looked into Jinyoung’s eyes, it seemed to fade right from him. Don’t, Jinyoung wanted to say. I have no idea what’s going on, but whatever it is, don’t pull an act with me. You don’t have to be strong. But he wanted Mark to answer him on his own, in his own time. “I don’t know,” Mark said finally. His voice sounded choked.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t know,” he said again. And then, after another long moment he said in a small and fragile voice, “Don’t turn your back on me.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widened at hearing the echo of his own words back to him. If he had been driven to the same desperation that Jinyoung had when he’d said them, it must have been something serious. What was he going through? What had happened to make him feel like he was at risk of being alone?

“I wouldn’t ever turn my back on you,” Jinyoung said gently. “Please believe that.”

“I don’t know. I wish I hadn’t believed in people as much as I did.” His expression suddenly turned cold, and he tore his eyes away from Jinyoung. “Come on. My mom’s waiting outside. Let’s go.”

Jinyoung called Jackson that evening. At first, Jackson sounded strangely smug as if he knew something juicy that Jinyoung didn’t, but his tone shifted immediately when he heard how worried Jinyoung was.

“I really think something’s wrong with Mark,” he said urgently. “I can’t figure out what possibly could have happened, but somewhere in between us splitting up for the test and him coming back, he looked as if his soul had been crushed.”

“Was the test hard? Were his parents strict about him passing it?”

“No, it was easy, and though his mom said she wanted him to do well, she wasn’t going to put pressure on him to get a top score. Besides, he wouldn’t ask me not to turn my back on him over a test score, would he?”

“He said that?”

“Yes.”

Jackson went silent for a moment. “Huh. Was there someone at the test center who may have bothered him?”

“I don’t know. We were in different rooms.”

“So it’s possible that Ian guy was there?”

“No, he’s going to the public high school. I know that for sure.”

“Ty, then?”

Jinyoung paused. He didn’t know about Ty or what high school he would be going to, but prayed it wasn't him. He'd always hated Ty on principle for having stolen his place in Mark's life, even though Jinyoung was the one who'd agreed to Ian's terms and avoided him. He'd hated Ty even more through the glimpses he'd seen of him when Mark wasn't around--when he was with Mark, he always acted friendly and kind, but when he was alone with someone like Ian, his true colors came out. To Jinyoung, he sounded like a Grade A cut from the same cloth as Ian himself, someone who didn't deserve to be thought of as Mark's best friend. 

Jinyoung also knew that he and Mark had supposedly gotten into a physical altercation over the Anisa issue, so maybe Jackson was onto something. If Ty had shown up for the test and Mark and Ty hadn’t parted on good terms, that could definitely drudge up some bad memories, especially if they’d wound up arguing again.

“It’s possible,” he said finally.

Jackson exhaled. “Look…let me take care of this, all right? I’ll call Mark up. If it was Ty, it’s probably more serious than you think it is.”

Jinyoung felt another sharp jolt of envy. He could tell from the way Jackson had phrased it that Mark had told him the truth about what had happened, the truth he still had yet to tell Jinyoung. “Fine,” he said, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice. What right had he to be hurt? There were still things he hadn’t told Mark yet, either.

He hung up with Jackson, and stewed to himself while he waited to hear back from him. A return call came an hour later, and he sounded incredibly vexed. “Mark’s not picking up the phone for either me or BamBam, and when I tried to drop by his house, his mom said he was sleeping.”

“Well, maybe he is,” Jinyoung said fairly.

“Or maybe he’s trying to pull the lone wolf act again,” Jackson said waspishly. “As if he didn’t learn the first time that he’s no good at it!”

“So, what do we do?” Jinyoung asked. “He said he’ll come see me tomorrow. What can I do to help him?”

Jackson took a breath. “This is going to sound strange, I know,” he said. “But the best thing you can do is just love him and demonstrate that to him as best you can. I’m not going to pretend like I know exactly what’s going on because he won’t freaking talk to me, but if I know one thing about that guy, it’s that all the crap he’s surrounded himself with over the past few years has only shown him just how ty and fake people can be. Maybe part of him even views himself through their treatment of him and he doesn’t even realize how much more he deserves. So please…show him that he’s worth the love of someone good and genuine like you. Give it to him so he can look at himself through the reflection of how someone who loves him sees him instead of the messed up view everyone else has shown him.”

Jinyoung’s heart ached. He didn’t know the full extent of what Mark was going through either, but he felt it in Jackson’s words, and it wounded him, too. He felt the ache of a similar pain inside of him, in the parts of his heart that were still afraid of how other people would look at him and judge him. He wanted to show Mark that better reflection, the person that Jinyoung saw when he looked at him. The person who he’d loved unfailingly from 5^th grade until now, no matter how hopeless it had seemed. The person who had brought the smile back to his life when everything had seemed dark, the person who had sworn to stay by his side even if all his secrets were out. His first and only love.

When Mark dropped by the next day, Jinyoung could immediately tell the smile he was wearing on his face was forced. His eyes were more honest, looking red and exhausted as if he hadn’t gotten any sleep that night, but his smile was wide and chipper as if he was in the middle of the best day of his life.

“Mark?” Jinyoung asked tentatively. “Feeling better?”

“Yeah, a lot better,” Mark said brightly. “Come on, let’s go up to your room.”

Jinyoung led him up, feeling hesitant. What was he supposed to do in this situation? Call him out for his forced attitude? Pretend to believe it?

Love him and demonstrate that to him as best you can, Jackson’s voice echoed through his head. But what was the best way to demonstrate that to someone who was already putting up a wall around himself?

When they were inside Jinyoung’s room, Mark plopped down into his desk chair and Jinyoung sat across from him on the bed. Mark wasn’t looking him in the eye, but was instead glancing vaguely at Jinyoung’s bookcase, that overly happy smile still plastered on his face.

“So…you were pretty sick yesterday?” Jinyoung began.

“Yeah, pretty sick,” Mark echoed.

“Jackson said he tried to stop by, but you were-”

“Sleeping, yeah.”

They both fell silent. The silence between them hadn’t felt this awkward since the day Jinyoung’s family had moved in and they’d gotten off to that patchy start as friends again. Mark must have realized it as well, since he cleared his throat quickly, looking as if he was scrambling for something to say. “So, it’s almost Christmas, huh? Do you have any plans?”

“Just the normal. Presents and dinner with my family. You?”

“Pretty much the same. Sometimes we go skiing or boarding, but I don’t think it’s going to happen this year. My parents have been pretty busy with work.”

“Mine, too. We usually go around and look at all the Christmas lights, but we haven’t done that yet this year.”

Mark finally looked at him, a genuine spark of excitement in his eyes. He looked for a moment like he was about to ask Jinyoung to go look at the lights with him instead, but the look in his eyes quickly faded, and he looked away again. Jinyoung felt a sinking feeling in his chest. How was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to convey his love to someone who could barely look at him, someone who wasn’t trusting him with his pain even though there was clearly something wrong?

Hypocrite, his mind taunted him. And what did you do when Ian threatened you? Did you tell him? Or did you run away and hide, just like you did the first time when you abandoned him completely? Why do you expect so much trust from him when you still haven’t trusted him with anything?

Jinyoung swallowed. He understood right then and there that this was the best way he could convey his love to Mark, just as Jackson had told him to—by being honest with him. By being brave and letting him know he wasn’t going to hide anymore, and that Mark didn’t have to hide anymore either. By being firm that he wasn’t going to let the terrible people around them control who they were or what they did, and that he wasn’t going to let people like Ian Westcott—and Ty Langford, either, if he was the one truly upsetting Mark—have a say in anything anymore.

Of course, realizing this was one thing. Saying it was another. It took a lot of courage to say these kinds of things, and when it came down to it, Jinyoung just wasn’t that brave of a person. But he was tired. He was tired of feeling the constant threat of ending up alone when he had someone he wanted to be with. He was tired of watching Mark having happiness snatched away when it was his kindness and willingness to do whatever he could to give happiness to others that had gotten Jinyoung through the past few months.

I’ll be brave, Jinyoung decided, taking a breath. I can be brave, if it’s for you.

“Mark,” he said.

Mark turned his head to look at him. He must have recognized the seriousness of Jinyoung’s tone, because he didn’t pull his eyes away immediately, like he had before. “Yes?”

“There’s something I need to tell you. Something I should have told you sooner.” He tried to steady himself, but it felt like his heart was about to fly out of his chest. “The other day…the other day when I was in the hallway, Ian approached me.”

All of the forced emotion instantly drained from Mark’s face, replaced by a very genuine look of worry. “What did he do?” he asked quickly. “He didn’t…he didn’t threaten you, did he?”

“Well. In a manner of speaking, he did. Apparently, he asked around to Mr. Whittaker to see if he could get you out of your vivarium duties so you could hang out with him again, and Mr. Whittaker mentioned that I was also on-duty with you.”

Mark groaned lightly.

“So he decided to confront me about it. It’s pretty much the same threat as last time, that he’ll tell you the thing I said I didn’t want you to know if I don’t back off. But this time, he explicitly wanted to involve someone else, and I don’t want anyone else involved. And…I’m not planning on backing off this time. It really made me unhappy the last time, not getting to be with you. So I’m not choosing that again.”

Mark’s eyes widened slightly, seemingly caught off-guard. “W-Who’s the other person he tried to involve?” he asked, for whatever reason choosing to address that first.

“Eileen Montblanc.”

Mark’s brows furrowed. “That’s odd. She actually asked me out to the Winter Formal yesterday and we’re going together tomorrow, but Ian wouldn’t have known about that, would he?”

Everything came to a screeching halt.

Oh.

It was strange how it worked. How the sensation of having a hope crushed felt worse than anything, even worse than being threatened or the fear that came with living with a secret. Hope had swooped his heart high among the clouds, and now here it was being slammed down for a hard landing on the cold, unforgiving ground. He could feel the pain lancing through him as it shattered into pieces, made all the worse by the part of himself that embraced the agony, reminding him Well, what did you expect to happen? Did you actually think you had a chance? You deserve this. You deserve every last bit of this.

Why hadn’t he realized this was a possibility when Ian had brought up Eileen? He’d focused only on his disgust at the thought of Ian wanting to attempt to ‘poach’ her and had entirely forgotten the possibility that she might confess to Mark, and Mark might be more than happy to have someone so beautiful and sweet in love with him. He should have prepared himself from the moment he’d heard, but he’d hadn’t. He’d instead let the innocent faith Jackson had shown him convince him that nothing was impossible, and that Mark’s love for him was special and different. And maybe it was, in its own way. But it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t as special and different as the love Jinyoung had for him.

And it never would be. He had to face that. He had to stop fooling himself. The way they were now was all they ever would be.

“Jinyoung?” Mark asked, sounding worried.

Jinyoung clapped a hand over his mouth, hiding his expression. He didn’t know what kind of face he was showing, but he knew he didn’t want Mark to see. He didn’t want Mark’s kindness and sympathy now, not when he knew it would only make him love him more. But what could he do? Wouldn’t it be all too obvious if he lost it right after Mark told him he was going out with someone else? And he couldn’t just carry on with this conversation as if nothing had happened, not when the conversation had been meant to end with the confession he could now no longer give.

“I’m sorry,” he said instead in a convincingly weak voice. “I think I’m going to be sick again. I have to go-”

And since he was in his own house, the only place he could go was the bathroom. He bolted out of the room before Mark could say anything, and locked himself into the bathroom down the hall, dropping down on the floor. The tears started spilling out, and he shoved his hand up against his mouth as hard as he could to muffle the sobs that followed.

You idiot. You stupid, brainless idiot. What did you expect? Really, what did you expect? Did you really think he would love you? You, a spineless coward, hiding in the bathroom in tears? You’re just as pathetic as Ian thinks you are. As if someone like you is strong enough to help or be with someone like him.

He heard Mark padding down the hallway, then rapping on the door with his knuckles. “Jinyoung? Jinyoung? Are you OK?”

“No,” Jinyoung said in a terrible sounding voice. “My stomach bug is back.” Liar, you’re such a pathetic liar. Coward. So stupid and weak.

 “Can I get you anything? Medicine?”

“No,” Jinyoung said again. “Just...you should go home.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Mark went quiet, and Jinyoung didn’t hear him immediately walk away. Just go, he thought in the bitter confines of his head. Stop doing things that make me love you. I don’t want to be in love with you anymore. It hurts so much. It’s always hurt so much.

“OK,” Mark said finally, in a soft, sad voice. “Feel better soon, all right?” And then at last Jinyoung could hear him go down the stairs and out the front door.

“Goodbye,” Jinyoung whispered, before another sob erupted. “I love you so much.”