It seemed surreal.

Nothing of this was making sense to me. Loud cries kept coming, filled in this gloomy room. I was standing on queue, in my black suit waiting for my turn to pay a respect and handed consolation bouquet. I saw a woman who didn’t stop crying next to the altar while hugging her son’s funeral photo.

Many years passed by, but I could still remember her face even though she’s getting older. She was always warm and kind, except this time all I could see was a woman with deep sadness and tired from crying for days. His husband, Mr. Park, hugged her while giving the remnants of his strength. Tears started piling up, my heart was broken into pieces as it whispered,

Why it has to be you?

Jinyoung’s photo was placed at the altar. I kneeled down before it and put my bouquet under the photo frame. An old memory flashed back inside my head, remembering what had been happened between us all these time. My mind floated until I unconsciously crying my eyes out. They said Jinyoung was sick, struggling with his illness for the past couple of years.

I wished I knew about this sooner.

There were so many things I hadn’t told him.

There were so many things I could do for him.

He’s the best thing that ever happened in my life. But, I guess it’s too late to realize it.

Jinyoung was always my best friend since middle school. But I was too coward to be honest with myself. I’ve seen him dating with many different guys, so did him witnessing my sappy over silly break up. It was always a big question why I couldn’t settle with everyone. Until I knew the reason was always him.

I thought my crush over him was just a temporary because we were too often together. But this feeling, these strange feelings, always grew each day. I was afraid because I was straight back then. And I can’t ruin this perfect friendship just for the sake of my unstable confusing heart. I told myself to not gonna hurt him in any way. But, at the end of the day, I hurt him, so bad. We threw a lot of mean words that we never meant to say. My inconsistency finally broke our friendship and his feelings. After that we never talked to each other again until he’s gone.

Isn’t it ironic?

When I was about to finish my pay, someone gently patted my shoulder. I turned to him and found Youngjae, Jinyoung’s cousin, stood behind me.

“Mark hyung, right?” He asked.

My voice was choked from sobbing, so I nodded as an answer.

“I’m sorry for interrupting, but I need to talk to you.” Then he asked me to follow him to someplace quieter. I remember Youngjae was my junior in high school. We were quite close because of Jinyoung and we often hang out together, but after my departure to America I lost contact with him. He didn’t change at all, I still see the cute little brother in his face and now he sat next to me with his warm smile.

“How have you been hyung? It’s nice to see you again.” He asked as I replied with a simple nod, “yeah, me too.” We both silent for a moment, knowing it’s unfortunate for meeting your old friend in such occasion.

“I guess you’ve been heard what happened to Jinyoung hyung. Actually, I was with him when he was in his critical period. He was such a strong man and I respect him for that.”

Neither of us looked at each other. I was still in silent, listening to what Youngjae wanted to say while he played his fingers tried to put his thoughts into words.

“You know, before he knew he was sick, Jinyoung hyung was preparing to move to America. He wanted to see you. He said he didn’t want to live with regrets anymore. He wanted you back.”

A huge pang hit straight to my chest. All I could think of right now only why and why. Why did I have to know that right now?

“Well, what's the point? It’s useless now he was gone. I can’t do anything about it.”

“I know… I…” He paused and took a deep breath, “I