Being in love with Yuta was a realization that scared me more than it made me happy. I was afraid I would lose him the second I returned to Korea, the moment the physical me left his side. I was afraid to be rejected. And yet I couldn't draw away from him. With everything he did he pulled me closer, made me loose myself more in his comforting and calming nature. I was scared.

The moment I was called back to Korea for a series of interviews I knew, or believed, my fears to be confirmed. I had gotten so used to the presence of Yuta in my life that my stomach clenched the moment I stepped foot into the airport.

As the clouds painted the image of a white ocean beneath the plane my thoughts immediately drifted to him. I thought of his smile, his voice, the way he looked whenever he was acting, so full of enthusiasm and ambition, his sneaky remarks and easy personality. I thought of how we had grown so close in such a short span of time. It was incredible, really. I felt like he knew everything about me, which he didn't, but he understood me so well, it was almost scary.

Flashes of cameras and shouting reporters and fans confronted me, when stepped out of the airport, but my mind still occupied by Yuta, didn't quite notice. Out of habit I waved at them, let then shoot pictures, but my mind barely registered my movement. I was like a robot.

Only when the buzzing of my phone started again was I pulled out of my train of thought. I had totally forgotten that I had an obsessive ex who was always calling me to get my attention. She hadn't called me in days, I almost thought she had given up.

Once I was in my apartment, which felt colder and more foreign than ever before, I decided to pick up. The least I could do was to listen to whatever she had to say.

When I picked up, I was greeted with the sound of crying. I didn't say anything. Nothing I could've said would have comforted her. After a minute of silent sniffling, She finally started to speak.

“...Do you hate me...?” I didn't say anything. I couldn't.

“Taeyong... Let's get back together... please...” Still no answer from me.

“I... I can't stand to live without you...” Finally I opened my mouth to answer.

“I- I can't. My heart no longer belongs to you.” My voice was shaking.

“Do you have someone else..?” Again I didn't answer.

“Taeyong!”

“... Yes.”

“I can't believe you! What have I ever done to you?! Why don't you love me?!” Thea started shouting. When she made a break to breathe, I started to talk again.

“Thea... Please, I beg you... Just don't call me anymore. It's not healthy, for either of us... So please, just leave me alone...” I was so tired, so tired of her and her antics, so tired of being alone, so tired of everything.

“Don't think this is over. You will regret ever leaving me. I will make you suffer, just as much as I did, even if that means I'll have to crush that little you're in love with. She will suffer with you, just wait an-” I hung up, cutting her off mid sentence.

I stood in my empty living room. My mind was blank, as if it didn't want to process anything Thea just said. I stood there, not moving an inch, my phone still clutched in my hand. Then, I started to shiver. My head hurt and my legs gave in. I started to scream, tears flowing down my face. I didn't know why I screamed. Was it because I was afraid? Because I was hurt? It felt as though everything was crashing down on me. I was in a trance, didn't register anything around me, not being lifted and gently laid into bed, not being embraced by strong, warm and comforting arms, not the words whispered to me to calm me down.

I woke up the next morning with what had to be the worst headache of my life and my throat hurting. My face felt tight, the dried tears prevented my facial muscles from moving properly.

I lifted my body with a groan and went into the bathroom attached to my bedroom. How had I even gotten into my bed..? When I looked into the mirror I was met with bloodshot eyes and deep eye bags, I still had the clothes on from the day before. I looked on my phone for the time. 5.23 a.m. Yes, that sounded a lot like me. I sighed and stripped myself off my clothes. A shower was much needed now.

Afterward I got dressed and entered my living room, only to be greeted with a sleeping Johnny on my couch. That certainly explained why I woke up in my bed. Trying to be as silent as possible I entered my kitchen and started making breakfast with whatever eatable was left in my kitchen. There wasn't much, I had been in japan for a while after all, but at least I found some bread and cheese in my freezer, which I put into my oven for faster melting. I don't know if it was a good idea to put the cheese in as well, but whatever.

I got startled when I heard a door opening and was greeted by my managers worried face.

“Taeyong...” she whispered and then proceeded to hug me. I didn't know why, but as soon as I was put into those arms, tears started welling up again. I silently cried into her shoulder.

“Shh... Everything is going to be alright...” she whispered in my ear and over my head. It felt as though it was my mom hugging me, which only made me cry harder.

“Please don't tell my parents...” I pleaded into her shoulder.

“Okay.”

Taeyong is gone, was my first thought on the morning after he flew to Korea. Of course I knew it wasn't permanent, but that alone was enough for me to realize that there would be a time when he would have to return to Korea for good. That was something I just couldn't prevent. It was his home after all. There he had family, friends, a girlfriend... Did he have a girlfriend? I didn't even want to think about the reason why that thought upset me so much.

And I missed him. God, I missed him so much. I missed his soothing voice, his little smile that always greeted me whenever I entered the studio, the way he ruffled his hair when he was frustrated. I missed his everything. He was only gone for one day and I already felt like I was suffocating.

“...-ta. Yuta!” I snapped out of my thoughts. It was Mi-chan.

“What is it?”

“You were spacing out again. What's going on with you?” She eyes me up and down suspiciously.

“Nothing.” My voice was almost like a whisper. I knew she didn't believe me. It had already been the third time she had to snap me out of my thoughts this morning.

“Hey. I'm not your best friend for nothing, okay? You can talk to me.” She said. By her voice I could tell that she was worried. “Later, okay?” I said and she sighed, but nodded anyways.

During the days Taeyong was gone, our director hoped to finish the last few episodes. There were only eight scenes left to shoot for me, for the rest I didn't have to be present, so we focused on those scenes for now, so that I could focus on the song when Taeyong came back. It disappointed me a bit that there was no opportunity left for Taeyong to come and watch me. I liked to have his eyes on me, I liked to entertain him.

It was starting to become dark and we finally wrapped up for the day. I could already feel Mi-chan's eyes on me and I motioned her to follow me. I excused myself from my manager and got into Mi-chan's car. Together we drove back to her place.

She sat in front of me. Neither of us spoke at first.

“Yuta.” My head snapped up and I looked into her eyes. “Are you in love?”

I could feel my heart skipping a beat and my mind filled with pictures of Taeyong immediately. Ah, I really am, aren't I, was all I thought. I knew denying wouldn't lead to anything.

“I guess I am.” I answered more calmly than I was feeling. She nodded and smiled at me.

“That's great! But you can't let it affect your work.” I was feeling guilty. I knew I slowed down filming today because of how absentminded I was. “I know. I'm sorry.” Again, she smiled gently.

“So who is it. Boy or girl?” I laughed out loud. That was more like her.

“A boy. You know him.”

“Don't tell me- is it Hayato?!” I almost choked on my spit. Hayato was Mi-chan's older brother and though I had to admit he was quite good-looking... “No! What are you thinking?!”

“Admit it, you once had a crush on him!” My cheeks were covered in pink by now.

“Well- yeah, but that was in middle school!!” She was laughing loudly now. “I knew it!”

“So, who is it then?” she asked after she had calmed down.

“T-Taeyong.” I have to admit I was quite embarrassed.

“Eh?” She asked and looked at me, shocked.

“What is it?”

“I didn't think it would be him... Although looking back now, you always had a fond look on your face when looking at him...”

I looked at her questioningly.

“I mean, when he was there you kind of always looked at him, you know. At least you were subtle enough not to do so directly, at least most of the time... You looked so calm when he was there...”

“I didn't notice.” I said.

“Of course you didn't!” she laughed. “Who ever does?”

I smiled and nodded. “I guess that's true...”

“But Yuta...” I looked into her eyes again. “I'll always be by your side and I will do everything in my power to help you.” A wave of thankfulness rushed through me and I leaned over the small table to hug her.

“I know. Thank you.”

A very large amount of make-up and a very good stylist covered up most traces of my break down, though I still looked tired. I was sure my fans would notice at leat something, but there was nothing more I could do.

The interview was tiring, so tiring that I slept in the van for at least two hours before waking up.

I was meeting Johnny, Jungwoo and Yang Yang, a colleague of Johnny's and also a friend of mine. When I arrived Johnny threw subtle glances in my direction. I knew he wanted to talk about what happened.

Jungwoo started talking as soon as I sat down. “How is it working with Yuta?” At the sound of his name I felt my insides squirm and a light blush painted my cheeks.

“It's fine. We get along well.” I answered, trying to avoid talking about Yuta.

“Ahhh, I'm so jealous!” Jungwoo exclaimed, which made me chuckle.

The rest of our meeting also went by smoothly and it was already late night when we finally parted. Johnny was walking by my side when I started walking towards my apartment. It was so late that we could actually walk around without any disguise.

“Do you really get along?” Johnny asked breaking the comfortable silence embracing us.

“Yes, we got really close after the first week...” I could feel Johnny release some tension next to me.

“I'm relieved...” he sighed. “I thought you would ignore him forever.” I hit his arm playfully, pouting lightly.

“So... are you in love..?” I could sense he was reluctant to ask, as though he was afraid of asking.

“I am.” Johnny looked at me with a smug expression that said 'I told you so'. I rolled my eyes. I decided not to tell him how afraid I was. I had a feeling that it was a conversation for another time.

A comfortable silence surrounded us again as we were walking side by side.

“Do- do you want to talk about what happened yesterday..?” Johnny asked breaking the silence between us yet again.

I didn't answer for about a minute and Johnny probably already ad given up when I said “I talked to Thea...” Johnny looked at me with a shocked expression, but he didn't say anything. I took it as a sign to continue.

“She hadn't called me in days, so decided to pick up. At first she was crying and didn't say anything. Then she started to speak. She said she wanted to get back together, tat she couldn't stand living without me... I told her that I can't, that my heart no longer belongs to her, and then she asked me if I had somebody else. I told er yes. I probably shouldn't have told her... She started to scream at me. So I asked her to leave me alone. She took it really badly. She said she would make me suffer. And the one I'm in love with, too.” Johnny hadn't interrupted me once. Even now he was still walking silently beside me.

“I don't know why I had a break down after that. I don't know.” I stopped talking. For the rest of the walk to my apartment, neither of us opened their mouth again.

When I turned to enter the building my apartment was in, Johnny called after me one last time. I turned to look at him.

“I will protect you, no matter what. So don't despair, please.” Johnny had a pleading look on his face. I smiled at him and nodded.

I know.