Chapter 6

ghost whispers

The days pass by painfully slowly. My hands are numb from the cold, my face is covered in soot and ash, and I smell like a bonfire; like smoke and coal. My ears are still ringing from all of the explosions going off in the mine. I am parched, and I fear that not even water can quench my thirst.

It feels as if the past weeks never happened, as if I never found the tickets in my brother’s old helmet. Perhaps I never went to the Resistance Party meeting? Maybe my mind is just playing a cruel trick on me. I haven’t talked to Tzuyu or Chaeyoung in such a long time, it’s like they’ve faded away, or maybe they weren’t real at all, maybe they were just figments of my imagination? The mine does things to you, messes you up in unimaginable ways. It’s as if someone’s reached inside of me, moved things about, touched my heart and left it bruised.

I heard Tzuyu isn’t working in the mines anymore, but she’s not working with the Elites either. She wouldn’t —wouldn’t become one of them. I heard she’s working in one of the outposts now, she’s a receptionist there. Good for her. She’s better up on the surface than down in the mine. She wouldn’t have survived much longer. The work would’ve taken her, or the Guild would’ve. Chaeyoung, on the other hand, is still in the mine and has been put on explosive duty; clearing areas in the mine. I hear the dynamite going off, I feel the ground and the walls shake and tremble from the violent vibrations, and sometimes I think that the entire mine might collapse on top of me.

Friday comes around. I stagger out of the mine, I walk towards the outpost where I hope I’ll be able to catch Tzuyu working, but she's not there. It’s only Nayeon who greets me with this chipped smile and writes my name in the visitors’ log. She looks through my file, pretending she’s never seen me before, pretending we never spoke about Jihyo and the Resistance Party. Nayeon lets me through, wishing me well.

Smoke drifts from the chimneys of the Washers’ building, turning everything grey, it’s as if the sky’s disappeared behind it. I can barely muster a smile when Sana greets me. The air is thick and tight in the washroom. The washers giggle when I enter the room and Sana looks like she’s about to explode with rage. She shushes them, glaring.

I loosen the collar around my neck and the two top buttons of my shirt. Soot, dirt and ash cover my sleeves. A dark stain has seeped into the hem of my shirt from when I slipped in the mud. Maybe Sana’ll be nice enough to wash it for me?

Sana shoos the other washers out of the room, including Mina who just grins at her.

I watch as they trickle out like chattering hens, gossiping as they go. I’m so tired of it all; walking through all the days trying not to care or worry, trying to ignore Jihyo’s words, trying to ignore the friends I’ve left and the ones who've left me. I’m tired of this part of life where my existence doesn’t even feel like my own, like the steps I’m taking aren’t my own, like someone’s dragging me by the collar like the obedient mutt I am.

Sana turns, at first she tries to smile at me, but then suddenly she looks sad and shakes her head. She says nothing and reaches out to touch my cheek, brushing away soot and ash and dust with her thumb. She whispers something I’m not able to catch.

My hearing’s bad after all the explosions in the mines. I can still hear them, even when I’m not trying to. They're just there, ghost whispers that are there to haunt me.

Sana doesn’t pull away, keeping her hand on my cheek. I want to cover her hand with my own, I want to hold onto the warmth; this small bit of kindness that she always gives me. My heart thumps. Sana watches me tentatively, her eyebrows slightly lifted, and only now do I realise that she must’ve said something to me.

I try to listen, I really do, but her lips part so beautifully, her words reach my deaf ears and all I hear are broken words, stream upon stream of words that I can barely make sense of. I watch her eyes instead, and see pure, wild magic, flickering before me.

I wrap my hand around her wrist and squeeze lightly. «What?» I gasp.

My throat hurts from saying it; flames my skin, fire in my lungs. There’s something there, something horribly magnificent at work inside me. My hand begins to shake and Sana gasps and holds me even tighter.

«I can’t hear you, Dahyun.» Sana mutters.

I can taste something on my tongue, words threatening to escape my soul. I lean forwards, my mouth right by her ear. I part my lips, but the words have become all jumbled up inside me.

«Sana, I— »

I turn my head ever-so slightly, and just then, Sana turns as well. Her hand’s still on my cheek, mine’s still wrapped around her wrist.

«I want to kiss you.» I whisper, so softly, as if the words will break me.

Sana’s smile is so soft, so forgiving, and she nods, and nods and nods, and gasps; «yes, of course, you may.»

She tugs me closer until there’s nothing between us. My lips against hers. I feel her smile, I feel her tears on my cheek.

«I should’ve told you.» Sana whispers against my lips.

«Told me what?» I ask just as quietly.

«Everything.»

It sounds like a confession.

«What is there to tell, really?» I shrug. «What’s done is done. I don’t really feel anything anymore.»

Sana shakes her head. «So much, Dahyun. So much, I don’t know where to begin.» She takes a step back and moves her hand from my cheek, only to hold my hand instead, afraid to let go.

I squeeze, letting her know I won’t run.

«From the beginning? That might be a good place…» I offer.

She shakes her head again, steers streaming down her face. «I hate the Guild for what they’ve done to you, to us, to our friends, our families. All of them. They should… Burn. We should put them, the Guild, in the mines and see how they like it, how long they’ll last.»

I tighten my hold around Sana, then tug her towards me.

«Careful, Sana. The walls are thin here.» I warn.

«I know.» She hisses. «I know, damn it, Dahyun, of course I know.»

She lets go of me, hoists herself up onto the counter and lets her legs swing off the side. She watches me, smiling through her tears. Her voice shakes with fear, with anger, when she speaks again.

«I… I care about you, Dahyun —I want to care about you but something’s telling me that doing so is dangerous for both of us. You don’t