Chapter 10

where the sun beats down

I had a dream last night that none of it happened, which means that when I woke up, I didn’t really wake up, but that also means that my dream wasn’t really a dream.

The house is empty and quiet, just like the kind man told me it would be. Pill containers have been crushed and strewn across the floor. A table lays smashed in the corner, a dirty blanket a heap by the blackened stove, and fire wood knocked over by the sink. It looks like the aftermath of a fight or a row.

Someone used to live here. But they’re gone now, and I am alone. I have this strange inclination to mourn, this strange grief inside me, it is as if I have lost something that I cannot name.

There’s a knock on my door. I drop my clothes on what’s left of the broken table and open the door.

A woman is facing me. She has short hair and wide eyes. She frowns at me, then reaches towards me, poking her hand against my chest.

«Dahyun?» She asks.

«That’s me.» I say stupidly. «I am Kim Dahyun.»

The woman forces her way inside, pushing past me.

«Hey!» I cry, but she ignores me. «What do you think you’re doing?»

The woman whips around, pointing accusingly at me. «Me? What am I doing? Damn it, Dahyun, stop playing games with me! What the hell happened to you?»

She reaches out and touches my jaw where the scar is.

«What did they do to you?» She whispers.

«Who? The Guild?» I ask. «This has nothing to do with the Guild.» I say, shaking my head, wriggling out of her grasp.

«Oh, come on, stop acting. It’s just us here. No-one is going to hurt you.» The woman huffs.

«I slipped, alright?» I hiss, narrowing my eyes at her.

«Slipped?» She rages. «What does that even mean?»

She reaches for my shoulder, pulling me closer. «The hell happened to you?»

«I’ve been redeemed.» I whisper. «I’ve been allowed back into society, courtesy of the Guild’s kindness. Now please, get out of my house.»

The woman takes a step back, shocked. She looks at me in disgust.

«They’ve done something to you, haven’t they?» She says quietly, looking away. «The same thing they did to Tzuyu.»

She looks at me again, shaking her head in disbelief. «You’ve forgotten me, haven’t you?»

«I don’t know who you are. And I don’t know how you know Tzuyu. She was my friend, manipulated by the Resistance Party! Now get out of my house before I call the guards!» I yell, pushing the woman out and slamming the door in her face.

For a moment I try to remember her, but even that is a struggle. Should I try harder? I have no recollection of my past, except that I am Dahyun. I suppose that is the only thing I and this unfamiliar, yet familiar woman can agree upon. She didn’t even give me a name, I don’t know what she wanted from me… what could I possibly have that she would need?

Frowning, I open the door, peering through the crack to see if she’s still there. Gone. I open the door fully and watch as the sun sinks from the sky, its glorious rays splayed across the ground. I can see the grass shooting through the soil like little talons. Spring is finally upon us. Everything will be beautiful soon.

The sound of the gong forces me out of my home before sunrise, and I must admit that I am disappointed to leave so early. If only I had more time. I am sent to the mines, along with the others. 

While I am in line, I spot the woman who broke into my house. She’s too far in front of me to reach her. There are dark circles beneath her eyes, her shoulders seem too far slumped, as if her soul is being from her. I look around and notice that the rest of the miners are exactly like her.

I hear a dog barking behind me, and I hurry down the narrow passageway of the cave. Its growls echo in my ears like a blaring horn.

A while later, I see her again, passing me by. She’s holding a box of explosives in her arms.

«Water for you.» I say, trying to give her a bottle.

«Would you stop doing that?» She hisses, putting down the box and pushing my hand away. «I don’t want your damn water, Dahyun, I just want my friends back, alright?»

«I’m… sorry.» I say. «I can be your friend, if you want?»

«You don’t even know my name.» She shakes her head, then leaves.

«If you told me, please.» I call after her. «I’ll be here when you need me. I promise.»

She looks over her shoulder and narrows her eyes at me. Then her face changes completely, as if something inside her just broke.

«You already promised me that. Don’t you remember?»

She looks so sad all of a sudden. She runs off, trying to hide the tears running down her cheeks.

There is something strange within me. This rattling, banging, against my chest, like a caged bird desperately trying to free itself. I touch my face, tracing the scars along my jaw, my lip, and the one above my eye. I wish there was a way for me to hide them when people look at me.

I know the way they look at me, the way they judge without saying a word, as if they already know me. How is that fair? They see me as someone different, an imposter who doesn’t belong. They call me by my name, but then treat me like a stranger. They talk about Dahyun as if she’s some other person, that I’m not her.

This is where I belong. I belong with them. I belong here in this house. I belong in the Miner’s Community. My life is their life, my experience is also their experience. What else must I do to become like them? What more do I have to prove?

Everyone wants something from me, even the people who abduct me from my home and bind me to a chair are demanding something from me now. The woman who knocked on my door is with them, I can see her in the shadows, her eyes constantly on me. She watches me like a hawk.

«I don’t know what you want.» I tell them through ragged breaths. «I just want to go back home. Don’t kill me.»

«I can’t watch. I can’t do this again.» The woman says, and finally leaves the room.

The others remain. I’m not sure how many. I try to count their faces. At least five people here; ten eyes glaring at me from the shadows.

«Chaeyoung’s right.» A woman steps into the light —a guard. I can tell by her uniform. «We should have never listened to Jihyo. We’re wasting our time with her. I mean, look at her! She’s so far gone she doesn’t even know who Chaeyoung is!»

«We can’t give up.» Another voice argues from the dark.

«You work for the Guild. Please, I’ve redeemed myself.» I plead. «I won’t say a thing, I promise. I swear it on my mom’s— on my life.»

«This is sad, Nayeon.» The guard says, turning to the dark, speaking to the ghosts that linger there. «We should just shoot her.»

«I’m not going to let you put her down like she’s a dog.» Another woman steps in front of me. A guardian of sorts, I suppose, from the way she protects me from the rest. «There’s a reason she’s alive. And we should honour that reason.»

The woman turns to me. Her face softens when she catches sight of me, as if she knows me, or knew me from before. She reaches out and touches my cheek, tracing the scar on my jaw. Suddenly, her eyes are filled with sadness, and she can’t look at me anymore.

«Save me.» I whisper.

«I can’t.» She whispers back. «You need to remember, Dahyun. Please.»

There’s this urgency, this rush to get things moving, and I feel like I’m slowing everything down. I’m pulling everyone behind.

«That’s all I know.» I tell her. «I know my name. That’s the truth, that’s the only truth I’ve ever known.»

The woman takes a step back and turns to look at the others. «Leave her for now.» She says solemnly. «We’ll try again later.»

«We don’t have time for that.» The guard argues. «Jihyo’s being released this evening. She’ll be pissed when she sees the state that Dahuyn is in. Better put her out of her misery.» The guard pulls out her gun from the holster on her hip and points it at me.

«Pull the trigger and you’re dead, Jeongyeon.»

«You’re not my leader.» The guard, Jeongyeon, fires back. «I only take orders from Jihyo.»

«Then you should know when to stand down. If Jihyo’s taught you anything, it’s that we don’t kill the innocent.»

They all turn to me. I see them now. Their faces — ghosts from my past, stepping into the light, revealing themselves.

«Jeongyeon.» I whisper. «You’re Jeongyeon.»

Jeongyeon narrows her eyes at me. She leans over me, pointing the gun against my face. «And? What else am I?»

«You…» I frown. «You beat me up in an alleyway.»

They look at each other, surprised.

«We should leave her.» Another one steps in. She had been quiet until now. «Let her get some rest.»

«I know who to send in next.» Another says. «Who else can bring Dahyun back but someone who’s been in the exact same situation as her?»

«We can’t do that, Momo!» Someone else argues. «The amount of time and effort into getting Tzuyu back, it took us an entire year —that was a risk! »

«And who would we be if we didn’t take any risks?» Momo, the voice of conflict, it seems, turns to me. «I won’t have Jihyo’s efforts ruined. We can’t let one person get in the way of others. We try for the last time, our last resort, and if that doesn’t work, then we do what needs to be done. I hope you all realise that.»

She places her hand on my shoulder. I look up at her, startled by her touch. There’s so much pain in her, in all of us, I suppose. I wish I could take it all away. I wish I could tell them how much I want to help, but it’s all a mess. My head’s a mess, there’s something not right with me. I can feel it in my heart. Every time my heart beats, something jabs it, a needle of sorts.

I’m alone now, left to my own thoughts, to my own little world inside my head. I try to think back to my life before the Underground Chambers. I try to remember, I try to remember the ghosts in my past. Their names, I should know. They were my friends, weren’t they? But then they left me underground. Forgot about me. No —not all of them.

Jihyo. They keep mentioning that name. I know her, at least by voice. She was with me, in the room next to mine. I could hear her screams, as she could mine. She told me to do something, I can’t remember. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just can’t remember.

I don’t know what’s real a