Just three simple words, and he couldn’t say it. He gets to hold my hand, embrace me, kiss me, and yet just telling me what I want to hear — he couldn’t do it. I try to understand where he’s coming from. I give him time. For years I’ve waited, but he still wouldn’t tell me.

I stare at myself at the mirror. I look horrible. My hair’s all messed up, and the bags under my eyes look bigger than they ever did. It’s 2 AM. 6 minutes after 2 to be exact. I hardly had any sleep tonight. The flight going here isn’t even enough to satisfy my exhausted body — and the worst part is, I’m missing him.

It’s dark. I stagger to my bed, surrounding my lone self with pillows, and sparing one so I could embrace and keep to myself, imagining it to be him, beside me. I reach over for my phone on the bedside table before lying down the bed. I check to see if I had any messages, and I did. I liven up, knowing that the message was from him.

I was wrong.

It was from Sunny, asking if I wanted to have a little drink with some friends. I ponder over the message. Since when did she have friends here in Japan? Yes, the girls from AKB48 are nice, but we don’t actually call them up to casually hang out with us. We’re still not that close. KARA? Last time I checked, they were in Korea. Jessica even went out with Hara just two days ago. Besides, I feel tired. I don’t feel like having a little drink right now. After a few, I start typing my reply.

Sent.

I lie down then in silence, thinking if I should send him a message or not.

“But he must be asleep by now,” I mumble to myself.

I let out a sigh before pulling the blanket over my whole body, even up to the top of my head as I tighten my hold to the pillow I’m hugging. I cry, the reason being so vague to myself, and I cry as hard as I could, knowing that I’m alone inside the room.

I was wrong again.

“You should stop crying now if you don’t want your eyes swollen when you wake.”

I hear a voice behind me. I freeze for a moment before recognizing the owner of the voice. Arms round my waist and I am pulled back against another body, and I stay like that. We stay like that. His breath being so warm and slow against the nape of my neck, I blink more tears out of my eyes.

“Tell me why you’re crying,” his murmurs softly but with demand.

I don’t speak nor move. He asks me again, pulling me closer against him. I still don’t answer, feeling afraid that my throat would fail me and let out a cracking voice.

“Kim Taeyeon, tell me.”

He’s so close that I feel his lips move against my neck. My breathing pattern changes. My heart beats faster. I part my lips to speak and all that comes out is “you.” I feel his confusion from my reply. He withdraws his arms from me and I feel a little disappointed. His hands cup my face gently, making me face him. I keep my head down and my eyes closed. Why can’t I look at him?

His lips touch my eyes, left first then right.

“Open them for me,” he whispers.

I do what he says, but I still don’t look at him. His right hand reaches for my chin, tilting it upwards so I could look up to him. I stare at his eyes. How long has it been since I last saw them this close? Both of us don’t say anything. I open my mouth to break the awkwardn