SIXTEEN

Hyukjae’s lips are warm and soft and they feel- they taste- as good as they look. Standing outside his front door, Donghae feels like he’s coming apart from the love and desire and regret he feels for this man. When their lips first meet, for a moment Hyukjae freezes; he doesn’t push Donghae away, but he doesn’t do anything else either. But then Donghae almost whimpers in relief as Hyukjae’s hands come up to grip his shirt, lips parting and eyes closing as he kisses him back. Donghae holds him tightly, heart soaring when he is not rejected, but even though they’re pressed together it’s not enough; Donghae wants more, wants to show Hyukjae how much he needs him, wants to show how sorry he is, wants to touch and kiss everything. Choco yaps somewhere by their feet but for once neither Donghae nor Hyukjae are aware of her.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Donghae pulls back just long enough to get the words out. ‘Hyukjae, I’m so-’

Their lips meet again, and Hyukjae’s hands are somehow in his hair, and Donghae so desperately wants to explain why he ed up so badly, and how long he’s loved him for, but all he can do is kiss him, as if somehow he can make up for all the time they’ve lost.

It’s not until the elevator chimes somewhere behind them that he remembers they’re still outside in the hallway. To be honest, he’s so caught up in his overflowing feelings he doesn’t really care if the neighbours see, but Hyukjae pulls back a little, breathless and blinking, and Donghae can’t even remember his own door code for a moment, he’s so in love. He leans in again but Hyukjae stops him, one hand to his chest.

‘Wait,’ he says. ‘Donghae, wait. We- we need to talk.’

‘Yeah,’ Donghae says, because they do. The door finally beeps and opens, and Donghae mutters a good evening to the man who lives next door and who is looking at them sidelong as he passes, then he’s pulling Hyukjae inside. Choco scurries in too, outraged and forgotten, and the door shuts behind them.

They stand there for a moment, staring at each other.

Hyukjae touches his lips with his fingertips as if he’s not quite sure if their desperate make-out session really happened or not, and for once it’s Donghae who gathers his thoughts first.

‘Hyukkie,’ he says, still holding Hyukjae’s hand tightly. ‘You came back.’

Hyukjae smiles faintly at him.

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Some stupid guy bought me a phone just so he could message asking me to-’ Hyukjae pauses, looking uncertain. ‘Asking me to come back.’

‘Asking you to come home,’ Donghae corrects softly.

Hyukjae blinks at him, eyes big and confused.

‘Donghae,’ he begins, and there’s something reluctant, hesitant, about the way he says it that has Donghae clutching his hand even tighter, words tumbling over themselves as he hurries to interrupt before the other man can say no.

‘Please,’ he says. ‘Please Hyukjae, hear me out before you say anything.’

He’s leading them further into the apartment so Hyukjae can’t just turn around and leave, and even though all Donghae wants to do is kiss him and hold him and beg him for a second chance, they make it over to the sofa. In the kitchen area Choco’s little paws are clattering on the tiles and she yaps, hoping for some steamed chicken but again, to her disgust, she is ignored.

Donghae swallows hard.

At the best of times he’s not the most eloquent, and he has so many feelings right now he doesn’t know how he’ll ever manage to explain. He takes a deep breath and holds Hyukjae’s hand tighter.

‘I’m the worst person,’ he begins. ‘The worst person.’

‘You’re not,’ Hyukjae says, but Donghae keeps going.

‘I’m so sorry for everything,’ he says, ‘I wish- I wish I’d eaten those chocolates, I wish I had a thousand cavities.’

Hyukjae’s brows draw down in confusion, and he’s opening his mouth to say something when Donghae pulls the crumpled little note from his pocket and holds it out.

Hyukjae recognizes it immediately.

Of course he does, he’d poured his heart out on that tiny scrap of paper and then his confession had been ignored; even worse, it had been given to someone else.

His expression changes and becomes more guarded, Donghae feels his eyes prickle in shame and sorrow.

‘Oh,’ Hyukjae says faintly.

He clearly doesn’t know what to think.

He reaches out to take the note then changes his mind and folds his arms instead, awkward and embarrassed. Donghae catches him by the wrist so he can’t turn away, spreading an assortment of the sweet little notes he’d collected on the cushion between them.

‘I never saw them!’ Donghae stumbles over his words in his haste to explain. ‘I- I don’t eat candy, I- I wasn’t at your shop for the candy, and I didn’t see these until today, I swear!’

Embarrassed, Hyukjae goes to sweep the notes aside, but Donghae snatches them back up and clutches them to his chest protectively.

‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re mine, and I’m going to treasure them forever!’

‘They’re so stupid,’ Hyukjae mutters. ‘I’m really sorry.’

‘You don’t get to be sorry!’ Donghae places the notes behind himself, out of Hyukjae’s reach. ‘Hyukjae, I’m the one apologizing, what on earth could you possibly have to be sorry about?’

Hyukjae stares down at the floor, where Choco is pattering back and forth in outrage.

‘Lots of things,’ he mutters. ‘I- I really misunderstood you, Donghae.’

Donghae stares at him. If there’s one thing he’s always been sure about when it comes to Hyukjae, it’s how transparent his crush on the other man has been. What can Hyukjae possibly have misunderstood?

Hyukjae carefully reaches out and takes Donghae by the hand, eyes flicking quickly to his face to check it’s okay. It- it kills Donghae that the sweet, kind confectioner is so uncertain with him because of Donghae’s own carelessness with his feelings.

‘I thought you had someone,’ Hyukjae confesses. ‘I- I thought you were interested in me, but then you told me you gave my confession to somebody else. And- and then I thought perhaps you’d ignored all the other little messages because you weren’t really interested at all, and I’d been misreading politeness as something else.’

‘No,’ Donghae says, distressed. ‘Hyukjae, no. I swear, if I’d seen even one of those little notes-’

‘I thought I was really the stupidest guy,’ Hyukjae continued softly. ‘Falling for a customer who already had a girlfriend-’

‘A girlfriend,’ Donghae repeats, dumbfounded. ‘I don’t- I’ve never-’

‘Well I know that now,’ Hyukjae says, and there’s a glimpse of that smile Donghae loves so much. ‘Your co-worker- the one I thought you were dating- she told me.’

Donghae sits up straighter.

‘Mrs Kim?’ he says. ‘You- you thought I was dating Mrs Kim?’

‘Trust me,’ Hyukjae tells him. ‘I was just as surprised. At first I thought it must have been one of those pretty girls you worked with, but then when she revealed she was the one who you’d been giving the candies to-’

‘As a bribe,’ Donghae gasps. ‘Because I was late for work.’

All the times Hyukjae has reacted oddly or said he’d feel uncomfortable meeting Donghae at his work suddenly make sense. Hyukjae has been thinking Donghae had someone else all along and that he was the bit on the side. No wonder he’s been so uncertain, no wonder he’s been holding back. Donghae has another sudden realization, remembering what Hyukjae had said earlier when he was upset. It hadn’t made any sense at the time but now Donghae prays he’s wrong.

‘Hyukjae,’ he says. ‘Before, when we were having lunch, you said to me that you thought you’d be okay with it, but you weren’t, and I’d have to find someone else to experiment with. What- what did you mean?’

Hyukjae’s head lowers.

‘Um,’ he says. ‘Well. I thought- I kind of thought you were straight.’

Donghae waits.

‘And,’ Hyukjae continues, not making eye contact. ‘And, uh, you still seemed interested. So- so I sort of gathered from that that you were, um, a bit curious, maybe. And you’re a nice guy, you know?’

‘Hyukjae,’ Donghae says softly.

‘I- I thought you knew I liked you from those stupid notes.’ Hyukjae is barely speaking above a whisper. ‘And I thought, why not? It’ll be my only chance to- to experience anything with you. You’d get to fool around with another guy, and I’d get to have- have a bit of fun too.’

Donghae wants to cry. He squeezes Hyukjae’s hand and Hyukjae gives a little shrug.

‘But,’ he says. ‘You’re too nice. It was supposed to just be some casual , but then we never did anything, and you were making me dinner and running me baths, kissing me goodnight and just so caring and sweet and romantic. I had fallen for you so damn hard and I knew I was going to get hurt, but I loved being with you so much-’

Donghae can’t listen any longer. He remembers all the times the confectioner has seemed sad, or reacted strangely, and it feels like his heart is breaking.

‘No,’ he interrupts shakily. ‘Hyukjae, no. Do- do you value yourself that little?’

Hyukjae gives a hesitant shake of his head, but Donghae is still in shock. What sort of things has Hyukjae experienced in the past for him to think that this sort of treatment is okay?

‘Don’t ever let yourself be used like that!’ he says. ‘Not by me, not by anybody!’

Hyukjae doesn’t say anything but a big fat tear drops down onto the faded denim of his jeans.

Donghae can’t bear it. He crawls closer and wraps his arms around the other man, pressing his face into Hyukjae’s warm neck.

‘Hyukkie,’ he whispers. ‘I’m so sorry I made you feel that way.’

Hyukjae’s arms come up to hold him.

‘It’s not your fault,’ he says, muffled and shaky. ‘And I discovered that wasn’t what you were doing anyway.’

Donghae hasn’t done anything clever or managed to explain himself at all.

‘How?’ he wonders.

‘Since I realized where you work,’ Hyukjae says. ‘You- you get off the train too early, don’t you? There’s another station right beside the clinic.’

Donghae turns a deep shade of red and keeps his face hidden.

‘You’ve been getting off on the wrong stop for the last six months so you can come past my shop, haven’t you?’

Donghae nods.

‘I thought it was because of the candy,’ Hyukjae says. ‘Only- only I just found out you don’t eat it, so- so the reason you came past each day...’

‘You,’ Donghae says, ‘It’s always been you.’

He sits back, holding both of Hyukjae’s hands in his own. Hyukjae blinks at him, still doubtful. How much has Donghae battered the patient confectioner’s self-esteem without even knowing?

‘If I could go back in time and fix things, I would,’ Donghae continues, words tumbling over themselves as he desperately tries to make himself understood. ‘You- you’re the reason I stayed in Seoul instead of rushing straight back to Mokpo, did you know that?’

He’s never verbalized it before, but it’s true.

‘I wanted to give up,’ he says, ‘The very first day. Everyone was so busy and so unfriendly, and I was lost, I didn’t know where I was or who to ask, and then do you know what happened?’

Hyukjae shakes his head.

‘Someone smiled at me,’ Donghae says. ‘Someone with the sweetest expression and the kindest eyes. He had chocolate on his cheek and he was leaning on the counter of the world’s smallest shop, and before I knew it, I was buying chocolate mice and trying to get up the nerve to speak to him. I made a fool of myself, but he helped me anyway.’

‘Donghae,’ Hyukjae says awkwardly, and he’s going to tell Donghae to stop it, that it didn’t mean anything, and Donghae holds up his hand.

‘Please,’ he says. ‘Let me say the things I wasn’t brave enough to say that day, or any of the days since.’

Hyukjae is quiet.

‘I fell in love with that guy the moment I saw him,’ Donghae continues. ‘And from that day onwards, I couldn’t stop myself going back to his shop. I’d buy anything, everything, just so we could exchange a few words, but the moment he looked at me and smiled I could never say a damn thing. I- I even p