TWELVE

Donghae is up to his elbows in hot soapy water, cleaning the dishes from their modest meal. Hyukjae had said he was not really hungry when Donghae offered to order food, so they had just snacked on protein bars and pieces of pineapple, Donghae carefully cutting everything tiny enough that Hyukjae could eat it without discomfort. Now Donghae’s doing something he would not normally be doing; washing up and tidying. He’s usually more willing to let the dirty dishes continue to pile up until there is nothing left to eat off, but tonight he’s killing time because he’s nervous.

His stomach is filled with butterflies. He feels anxious and thrilled and terrified all at once, because he just does not know how to handle the fact that it’s time to go to bed.

Or rather, it’s time to go to bed with Hyukjae.

The other man is still on the sofa, blinking sleepily. Donghae already made him take his painkillers and antibiotics, and he half hoped Hyukjae might decide to go to bed ahead of him but instead he’d stayed up watching TV, yawning, and petting Choco.

He’s clearly waiting for Donghae.

‘Right,’ Donghae says, wiping the sink with a soggy tea-towel. ‘Done!’

He just needs to treat this like going to bed with anyone else.

Hyukjae smiles at him, and gets up slowly. He’s not as sore now, thanks to the bath and the medication.

‘Do you need anything?’ Donghae asks him.

‘No, all good,’ Hyukjae says, adjusting his t-shirt.

Actually, it’s Donghae’s t-shirt and it’s too big, but something about the way it’s hanging loosely, revealing a glimpse of collarbone, is more than when Hyukjae had been completely shirtless in the bathroom. He’s still in the loose shorts Donghae had given him too, and Donghae’s cursing himself now. If they happened to brush together in bed and both were in pants, that’s one thing. But knowing he might accidentally touch smooth calves, soft skin instead of fabric-

Just like going to bed with anyone else, Donghae thinks desperately.

The problem is that Donghae has not gone to bed with a lot of other people at all, platonically or otherwise. There was Siwon of course, and a few ill-advised one night stands, but Donghae is shy. He’s certainly never gone to bed with someone after spending the evening quietly cozy together, watching TV, sharing snacks and washing dishes like an old married couple.

It’s crushing that they’re going to be sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, acquaintances not lovers. Somehow it already feels like it’d be so natural to just cuddle up, warm and peaceful and relaxed.

And-

No, Donghae tells his body firmly, banishing those thoughts. No!

And that’s another thing. All evening Donghae has desperately wanted to ask if the other man has a boyfriend or not, but it seems wildly inappropriate given their situation. But now Donghae doesn’t know if it’s okay to touch, to offer affection! Earlier, Hyukjae had come to Donghae for comfort - but the memory of that older man, rough-looking, mean and to whom Hyukjae had been so insistent that Donghae was no more than a customer, is still painful and clear in Donghae’s mind.

Donghae doesn’t want to ask personal questions in case it makes Hyukjae feel like he’s expecting something in return for his kindness.

The bedroom is softly lit and waiting for them. Donghae only has a lamp on his side (which rather embarrassingly shows how used to sleeping alone he is) so with the overhead light off, the bed is both inviting and intimate.

‘Um,’ Hyukjae says. ‘Where do you want me? What side, I mean?’

It’s too dark to really tell, but Donghae thinks poor Hyukjae is starting to sound a bit self-conscious too. In an effort to make it more comfortable and normal-seeming, Donghae strides to his usual side and flings back the blankets, sending the decorative pillows tumbling to the floor. Hyukjae takes the other.

‘I made a little bed for Choco too,’ Donghae tells him, although Hyukjae has already had to step over it. There’s also a water bottle and some mints for if Hyukjae’s mouth is bothering him too much, and the bag of his things which Donghae forgot to give him earlier.

Hyukjae kneels down to get Choco comfortable in the soft nest of folded blankets Donghae has prepared for her, and then he’s sliding into bed beside Donghae. Donghae pretends to be very focused on his phone (there are at least ten messages from Siwon and a missed call from his mother, both of whom can wait until morning) and lies as straight as a ramrod, as close to the edge as he can get without looking like he’s actively avoiding the other man.

‘Well,’ Hyukjae says, a little awkwardly. ‘Goodnight then, Donghae. And thank you.’

‘Goodnight,’ Donghae says, holding his phone so tightly that it’s a wonder it doesn’t break.

He listens as Hyukjae settles; the soft sound of the sheets and pillow shifting, the long silence afterwards.

Donghae stays where he is, heart beating fast, for what seems like hours. He’s not sure if Hyukjae is awake or not.

Eventually, he dares reach out for the bedside lamp, clicking it off.

It doesn’t help; his mind keeps running at a million miles an hour.

Perhaps he should have hugged Hyukjae before they got in bed, wished him sweet dreams and then chatted with him as they lay in the darkness.

Perhaps, if he had done that, Hyukjae might have relaxed beside him, warm and sleepy instead of curled up at the very furthest extreme of the mattress.

Donghae’s eyes scrunch shut in despair and he wraps his arms around himself instead.

Somewhere, in the middle of his existential crisis, he falls asleep.

It’s dark, but the streets are busy. Donghae is buffeted by the crowd, fighting against the endless flow of faceless strangers. He looks up, the sky narrow and black and distant, squeezed between the hard-edged shadows of the city buildings.

Donghae knows he’s dreaming.

He shakes himself, trying to wake. The darkness and the press of people is oppressive, claustrophobic, and he feels the first prickles of fear deep in his gut. He turns, trying to work out where he is. The narrow street is familiar, and something in Donghae