Want You Back
- J

Jennie didn’t remember when it started to rain.

She didn’t even notice it before her hands began shivering and strands of her hair were sticking onto her face, along with the fact that her skin felt unusually cool and wet. Every clothing item on her body was probably drenched, sticking uncomfortably onto her skin as a second layer that was too heavy and too large, pulling her down.

It sounds dumb for any other sane person to not notice the weather changing this drastically. To be Jennie, it sounded even dumber. Usually being one to pay attention to details, one of the reasons why she worked in a fashion magazine to begin with, she usually noticed an event occurring miles away. Hell, sometimes her coworkers thought she was psychic just for some basic observation’s others seemed to miss.

Still, she had probably walked about four blocks before actually taking in how drenched she was. When she comes to think of it, however, maybe she noticed the rain but wasn’t bothered enough to care. For a moment it looked as if the weather would clear, but apparently the skies had other thoughts in mind that night. Who knew? Her mind was nothing short of a mess.

Her apartment wasn’t too far away from where she stopped and looked at her wet clothes, only about ten minutes of walking, but she felt too tired all of the sudden. As if somebody had just waltzed up to her and drained every single power that held her body responsible for moving. Though she didn’t directly collapse, she felt her body gravitating to the concrete of the city. Maybe it was the alcohol trying to subdue her into unconsciousness, or maybe it was what happened just a short while ago.

“What scares me the most is the possibility that you might never change.”

That sentence had gone through Jennie’s head more than she liked to admit, though she did try to distract herself with other thoughts, they all turned out too trivial. Comparing her own thought process was like telling a child they couldn’t think about ice cream – and then they wouldn’t stop complaining about ice cream and how they couldn’t stop thinking about the cold treat. It wasn’t a nice feeling, at all.

As the rain continued, she took a glance to her right only to see her reflection from a shop window staring right back at her. For a moment it startled her, seeing her previously carefully done makeup now smudged or faded away. Her mascara left black marks in their wake, streaming down her cheeks where her red blush used to be – now it was just the redness of her skin from the cold.

She tried to ignore the puffiness forming around her eyes, wondering how much the rain stood for the shedding of her mascara compared to what might as well have been tears. Who knew at this point anyway?

Thinking about the conversation that just happened minutes ago, she’s not sure if the tears make sense or not. She was prone to being in a very bad mood when she had been drinking – usually because at the end of the night her party-loving self would dwindle into dark territories. She wasn’t sure if the alcohol was the culprit for opening up her darkest thoughts that were hidden or if they always were there, just more prominent after a couple of bottles of liquor.

Jennie wasn’t trying to defend herself or her reaction earlier. She just didn’t know how to act. She hadn’t seriously broken up with somebody before – though she was the one who technically got dumped only because she wanted to beat Chaeyoung to the chase. However, she wasn’t sure why she expected them to just hate and ignore each other when they instead were always in each other’s lives in one way or another. Especially when they’d been together even when they weren’t together.

Her feet guide her way back to her apartment, the one she got after moving out from Chaeyoung’s place a few months ago. Though she technically never gave it up or sold her place, she had left it empty for so long that she rented it out and treated it as an Airbnb rather than a home. She was at least smart in not selling it, knowing how things worked out between them in the end.

Guiding herself up the wooden stairs, her shoes making squeaky noises by ever step, she tries to warm her hands before reaching for her keys to get herself into the apartment on the 4^th floor. When she enters through the navy-blue door with the golden plate with her house number on it, she is met with darkness. Only the street light right outside gives her enough sight to find the way to her light switch, before hastily pulling off ever inch of clothes off her skin and just leaving them on the floor – she wasn’t as tipsy anymore, but she was lazy about it, nevertheless. When she reached the bathroom, she was already bare and was quick to fill the tub, her legs feeling to tired to stand in the shower. She found herself sitting down on the cool hardness of her tub despite it not being filled nearly enough, just waiting for more of the boiling hot water to surrender her and probably make her forget about the last hour or so.

As the tub became filled with water, she felt her muscles finally relax a little. Leaning her head back, she let her wet skin become even more surrounded by water, but at least it was warm and not going at her skin with sharp, whisking movements. It took a while before she had enough water to shut off the tap.

For a moment she wonders if that really was the last time Chaeyoung and Jennie would have a conversation. Maybe that moment in the car was something telling them to give up and move on because they parted for a reason. Though it felt almost cruel telling herself that it was probably the last time she’d see Chaeyoung’s face or kiss her like she did, it was probably the pinch of reality they both needed.

She hadn’t been perfect. To be honest she was telling the truth that night they broke up. Her head going through the image of the same car she sat in just earlier, making the water she submerged her face in almost drowning her senses of the present and taking her back to the past like an empty pond being filled up after a long drought.

The picture of it all comes to mind as if she had stepped into a painting and began living through it. Everything, just like a dream, took over her senses in a way that she couldn’t describe. Her ears pick up all the noise between them, considering that the radio was playing this months’ top 40 hits with loud music, cheesy lyrics and heavy beats busting through the stereo. There was also the famous city traffic moving around them in the otherwise abandoned parking lot. The way Chaeyoung was breathing softly despite the noise, however, stood out the most as she went back to that day.

The memory was as clear as day.

It had been the longest Jennie had been away from her – about two weeks to be exact. From a heavy moment of spiraling into old habits that were hard to break, she had recalled going through a period in her life that she thought she had passed, yet apparently was hard to shake. Though the reminder makes her body wince, it still slides through her with the image of the past.

Chaeyoung had her eyes on her, looking at her with a firm gaze that usually wasn’t so serious. Her light brows were in a straight, neutral line yet her eyes seemed to speak with her true emotions masking behind a wall to probably protect herself. She was probably hurt, she had every right to be, her arms crossed together almost as if in defense.

Jennie recalls the whiteness of her shirt with the shape and redness of roses decorating the fabric. It was funny, remembering how Chaeyoung read that issue and remarked how beautiful the shirt looked on the model. Jennie was working behind the scenes for that shoot in particular just a few weeks earlier, and she remembers pulling some strings before she got a hand of the shirt – just in time for their anniversary. The look on Chaeyoung’s face was explained with wide eyes showcasing a certain spark that Jennie always wanted to see, protruding her cheeks with a wide grin that stretched almost through her entire face the moment her dainty hands held up the shirt after unwrapping her gift. The squeal and the instant, bone-crushing embrace that came after was not what Jennie was witnessing in that moment in that car.

She was wearing it then, and looking back, Jennie wasn’t sure if she did it on purpose or not. If she was trying to make a point by wearing something from their happier, stable days knowing that her beaming face could turn into one so harsh and protected after a while.

Jennie didn’t say anything again, mostly because she didn’t know what to say. She had been gone for almost half a month with no contact – no texts, no calls, not even an update on social media or a word. The only way Chaeyoung probably knew she was alive was because she had done this before, but that was only speculation on Jennie’s part. The only reason people didn’t do anything was because she took unpaid leave because she was “sick” and her boss believed her, for some reason. At least she told her boss, she thought back then, because Chaeyoung didn’t hear a word.

A moment had passed, the song went from one generic beat to the next, Chaeyoung still looking at Jennie – Jennie not saying a single word. She wouldn’t be the first to speak, anyway. “What just happened?” Chaeyoung had asked then, firmly enough through straight lips.

Jennie wasn’t sure what she was going to say just because there wasn’t really much she wanted to say. It was probably one of her worst habits, not talking during tough conversations and just being quiet.

Another pause lingered in the air, Jennie recalled Chaeyoung looking away and her own hand almost instinctively reaching out to touch her. She had stopped herself, as far as she remembered, but she knew that if she did touch her then Chaeyoung wouldn’t reject it. “You’re not even going to tell me why, aren’t you?” she had asked back then, maybe tears threatening to break that hard façade she was trying so hard to front. Jennie knew Chaeyoung better than that, and that she was probably about to cry any second, but she didn’t remember commenting anything. “This will never work,” she continued after a short while, already seemingly having prepared a break up speech in her head as her own fingers move underneath her brown eyes. Brisk movements of her hand probably wiped away the small amount of tears that were already falling – Jennie knew how hard she was trying not to cry.

Jennie didn’t know how she was going to react despite knowing that the fact was she had seen this coming the moment she stopped replying to Chaeyoung’s calls and texts. Even waking up and getting ready to meet her, the dread of the incoming situation made her body want to hurl. Even now she felt sick to her stomach – by Chaeyoung crying, by being so gone, for doing things to herself she shouldn’t have done.

However, she played it cool while softly nodding. “I agree,” Jennie had replied despite not wanting to voice her real feelings. It was probably better this way, for her and for Chaeyoung, to end it. That was what she thought at least. She decided to take it on herself to say that they should just break up and move on, that Jennie would collect her things from Chaeyoung’s apartment tomorrow and promised that she’d be out of her way.

After that, oddly enough being the only thing, at least only what she said during the conversation, her lips had begun opening as if to explain why she had been gone. That this relapse into the past issues she just fell into had nothing to do with Chaeyoung, but she didn’t tell her that last part. She was never open about that part about herself with anyone and would rather cope on her own than let Chaeyoung see her fall apart… even if it takes too long for her to bounce back to normal.

Jennie thought she’d move on eventually and so would Chaeyoung, people always did. That’s what she told herself after Chaeyoung said goodbye and Jennie only walked out of the car with nothing else to say, just like she did today.

When her lungs require air, Jennie lifted her head up with a gasp and throwing her hands on her head to separate her wet hair from her face. She took a few seconds just to breathe, thinking about how that memory was so vivid just like a dream. It left her fingers shaking and her eyes wet, even if she had left that car stone cold.

Her eyes adjusted themselves from the water and to clear sight, even if her chest felt weird and began to sting. The impending notions of crying, she recalled, had returned and surfaced from the bottom of her heavy feet all the way to her pounding chest and tightening throat. It wasn’t a good feeling, despite having just shed a few tears earlier.

She let herself cry, knowing nobody else would see her anyway. Despite not knowing what she was crying for anymore. In her own mind she could hear a voice yelling at her, saying this is exactly what she deserved. Telling her that she never should have thought for a second that somebody could stand her and that she could just bounce back into Chaeyoung’ s life. Even reminding her that no matter what, Jennie wanted Chaeyoung back despite her lips not being able to say it in words.

It was her own fault and that much she knew. She didn’t try to work things out – when things got tough she just escaped. Everything could’ve been solved by just talking, by just making Chaeyoung know what had happened and why she had disappeared from time to time.

But for some reason, she never got herself to. Even when they had numerous of conversations, mostly Chaeyoung telling Jennie that she needed to confide in her or at least let her know why she always left for no reason. Yet, Jennie would just go quiet and everything would be lost upon them both. None of them being any wiser and none of them winning.

The thing with Jennie was that she knew this, yet whenever she wanted to fix it, she never came through that hurdle. If she were to put it in words, it was as if Jennie was behind this towering room of ice that if only she had enough strength to break it down to pieces, she would find Chaeyoung waiting for her. However, no matter how much her hands swung at the wall or no matter how mighty her strength was, her efforts were never enough. Something seemed to stop her from being fully there, and even if she had a feeling as to why, she didn’t want to think about it anymore.

Why was love always so hard?

She got out of the tub, not recalling how long she had been in there, only getting a towel and finding her way to the hallway. Drips of water fell onto the wooden floors and her clothes were dampening around the apartment, but she swore to herself she’d do it tomorrow. Now, she just needed to get some water and go to bed before things got worse.

She didn’t remember getting her phone, but it was in her hand when she found herself in the kitchen chugging through a large glass of rather lukewarm water. Putting down the glass with a sudden force, the noise was so loud that she almost jumped by her own actions. Sighing, she only let her eyes look blankly forward to the white wall in front of her. There was nothing there except for a small table with some flowers and a picture of a long distant memory. Of Chaeyoung and Jennie during simpler times, kisses on cheeks and smiles as wide as they could be.

Her hand still gripped onto her phone, thinking about it all and knowing that she had to stop this. That maybe if she just tried hard enough she’d get over that hurdle and try to work things out for both herself and Chaeyoung. That maybe they’d be better together than apart.

And she had to admit that she didn’t want this – that she wanted Chaeyoung back no matter where Jennie went or how long she was gone. She knew this, and though she had told Chaeyoung and tried to convince herself that she’d move on, she knew deep down she probably wouldn’t. At least, not for a very long time.

The familiar ring of the phone buzzes through her ears, barely remembering that she called Chaeyoung in the first place. Her hands were already trembling, hoping she’d pick up, hoping she’d hear her out to let her know that maybe Jennie had been wrong, and things could get better after all.

Jennie wanted Chaeyoung back, almost in this weird type of euphoria that surrounded her veins and travelled into her brain. Her ears ringing and her heart closing onto a deadly speed despite knowing that she was probably hyper-aware of every emotion at this point.

The first beeps go steadily with paused silences and static noise, going dry, just begging Chaeyoung to pick up.

The line begins to stutter a bit with shuffling noises, Chaeyoung not saying a word through the other line yet. They just breathe, letting the seconds pass with not a lot to say. In any other situation this should have been extremely awkward, especially given what had happened, but it feels less than what she anticipated.

However, she felt at loss for words. Not knowing what to say, not knowing how to say it or how to word it in a way that would make sense.

Chaeyoung breaks the silence first. “It’s late, you should go to sleep,” she tells her softly and not in a tone that implies she had been sleeping either. Her soothing voice running through her ears yet carrying a serious tone behind it.

Jennie still felt dumbfounded suddenly, everything that she thought about just vanished. “I don’t want to sleep alone,” she simply said with a slightly hoarse voice – she could hear it herself. That wasn’t exactly what she called to say and in many ways it was inappropriate giving the situation and how Chaeyoung told her they needed distance.

A sigh echoes lightly through the line, and they had seen each other only hours earlier. She doesn’t know what to expect from her reply, but soon enough she would say something at least. “You’re not alone,” Chaeyoung pointed out then.  

“You know,” Jennie said then before taking a deep breath, not wanting to say the next sentence loud but not following her judgement either. “And I know that we’re not over each other yet,” she said later.

And maybe Jennie should’ve known better than to start this conversation, because it wouldn’t really lead anywhere.

Shuffling was heard from the other side, probably her moving around her own apartment in the wee hours of the night. “Maybe we’re not,” she said then with her soft voice. She didn’t say anything more after a moment to continue that thought.

It was probably three am then, but Jennie thought she had done worse things than call Chaeyoung this late. “Do you want to be over me?” she had asked, not really wanting the answer, but knowing she’d have to have it anyway.

Chaeyoung seemed to take her time on the other side, though she was not too far away from her, the apartment only being a medium-distanced walk or a taxi ride away. But maybe it was best not seeing her, despite wanting to hold onto Chaeyoung’s warmth.

She replied later. “I want to,” she had said with words that almost made Jennie’s stomach drop, even if she expected them and deserved them. “It doesn’t mean I’m doing a good job at it,” Chaeyoung said what sounded like honesty, at least from the woman she knew and loved.

The silence stretched on again, only breathing lightly being heard, and in many ways it was awkward but also strangely comforting. Just knowing Chaeyoung was on the other side, that she was still there, still hearing her voice.

“Good night, Jennie,” Chaeyoung’s soft voice said and for a moment it felt as if nothing had happened. That everything was fine, even if it wasn’t. “You know where I am,” Chaeyoung had said then, before the line went dead.

And Jennie wasn’t sure how to contemplate that last sentence, because there were so many unclear lines between them. She stared at the wall, only a towel on her body, before walking towards her room.

Her original plan was to sleep alone that night.

It didn’t mean that she did, however.

Eventually, in only a simple outfit and a raincoat on her body, she found herself outside the steps of a familiar apartment. Chaeyoung opened the door – she always did. Even if she just hours ago told her they needed to stop and that things were messy. Even if Jennie knew she wasn’t making things better despite having the intention to tell her anything, yet never getting a word out.

And just like that she fell into that familiar warmth, her scent travelling through her nose and the touch of skin upon skin bringing them from heat to a pulsing bliss through her body as they eventually laid in bed together.

Before she had drifted off with Chaeyoung closely next to her, a thought had run around her head, wondering about many things and what would happen in the morning and how she should probably have stayed at home.

However, the one thing she can’t shake of her head, is the fact that she let herself return to Chaeyoung with no promises of staying.

Despite knowing that no matter where or how long Jennie was gone, she knew her own pattern of falling back to Chaeyoung again. That nobody, no matter how much she wanted to, could compare in any way to the woman she probably wanted to be with.

Yet another voice knocked onto her head before she drifted, telling her that they were doomed to fall apart anyway.

They just didn’t know how to let go of each other.