unedited;

chapter one

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           I woke up to the smell of coffee beans in the air and instantly knew he was making us coffee. Did I plan to stay over for the whole night? Hell no, I knew it would get me into a huge mess, but I felt like I owed him something. What did I owe him? Everything. I knew I owed him a huge part of me. The only thing is, I couldn’t offer him that. I had nothing to give him, for everything was taken from me and the situation was out of my hands.

“,” I rubbed my temples, feeling foolish, for I felt stupid for getting myself in this situation. I got up from his bed and looked for my phone. I saw that it was on the floor, next to my pile of clothes.

           I picked up my phone and read all the notifications. 6 missed calls. 1 text message. That one text message stated:

Don’t make me call you 7 times.

           My stomach dropped, and I instantly felt sick. I threw my phone on the bed and quickly dressed up. Once I was done dressing, I gathered all my things, including my purse, and walked towards the kitchen.

           “You’re leaving?” I looked at Jiyong. He had a defeated look in his face and I couldn’t help but sigh in pity.

           “I missed too many calls, Ji.” I lifted my right hand that weakly held my phone.

           “Yeah, I get it.” Jiyong dropped the empty mug he was holding onto the kitchen counter. He raised his arm towards his head and ran his fingers through his long, fluffy, jet black, hair.

           I tried to hold in a small smile. Jiyong is quite beautiful, I must admit. I took in his presence and stared at the sight of him. At home, Jiyong was nothing like his usual, “businessman” self. He never felt the need to gel his hair to keep it slicked back, and he wore casual, street clothes that made him look young and careless. It was quite refreshing to see him that way.

           I couldn’t help myself as I started walking towards him. Jiyong’s defeated look turned into a curious one as he saw me approaching him.

           I put down my phone on the counter and put my arms around Jiyong’s neck.

           “Thanks,” I whispered into his ear.

           “For what?” Jiyong mumbled.

           “For everything,” I answered. I felt Jiyong wrap his arms around my body as he proceeded to lift me up onto the kitchen counter.

           Our eyes met one another, and I felt free once again.

           “You’re welcome, Dara,” Jiyong spoke in a soft tone as he moved his face closer to mine.

           “I’m sorry,” I apologized. I looked into Jiyong’s eyes and hoped he felt how guilty I felt. I hoped he would feel how bad I wanted the situation to be different.

           I didn’t want this life.

           I didn’t want to receive text messages that made my blood go cold.

           I didn’t want to leave a man who deserved to have me drink his pot of coffee he made for us.

           I certainly didn’t want to look into his light brown eyes and know that there was nothing I could do to erase any traces of disappointment that lingered in them.

           “, Dara, how many times do I have to tell you that it’s not your fault?” Jiyong let out a deep sigh. Being close, I felt his breath on my face and felt even more guilty for having him sigh like that.

           “I don’t know if we should continue this,” I bit my lip at my sudden confession.

           I always felt like we should both stop this before any of us become too committed to the idea of us.  

           Jiyong held me in the middle of his arms as he laid his hands on the counter, leaving his palms close enough to feel the heat of his hands by the sides of my thighs. The warmth of his hands ironically made my body shiver.

           I don’t know what it was, but Jiyong had this effect on me. It’s a feeling that I only hold with him, and no one else.

           “Dara, don’t.” Jiyong looked down. “Don’t say that,” Jiyong whispered.

           “You need someone who could offer you the world. You need someone who can stay.”

           I jumped at the sudden sound of Jiyong’s hands slamming the counter.

           “,” I held my breath at Jiyong’s sudden curse. I looked up and caught Jiyong staring at me. My heart kept racing and I suddenly felt excited and nervous. It was a weird feeling. “Dara, I. Just. Need. You.” Jiyong stared intensely into my eyes and I knew he was being one hundred percent genuine.

           My heart kept racing at the fact that Jiyong’s lips were only a few inches away from mine and I felt as if I was being pulled into some sort of trance.         

           The longer I tried to fight that force, the more I felt dizzy.

           “, screw it.” I let out a messy murmur as I grabbed Jiyong’s face and pressed my lips against his.

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           “Where were you?” I looked up to see Jaejoong grit his teeth together in anger.

           “I was sleeping, work has been killing me lately. It’s tiring.” I drily replied.

           “ing lies.” Jaejoong scoffed and continued to cut his steak that was in front of him.

           I despised having dinner with Jaejoong.

           “Believe what you want to, Jae.” I glared at him and reached down for my glass of water. Every time I ate out with Jaejoong, I never was able to digest my food normally. Everything felt too stuffy around me.

           Before I could bring my glass towards my mouth, I felt Jaejoong’s cold hands wrap around my wrist tightly.

           “I’m not ing stupid, Dara.” Jaejoong spoke slowly.

           “Let. Go.” I demanded.

           Jaejoong let out a chuckle as he let go of my wrist. “I’m telling