JENNIE

Stupid. Stupid!

I couldn’t believe myself. I’d had everything I’d been dreaming of for so long. I’d had it right there in front of me and I’d panicked and now I didn’t have anything.

Lisa wasn’t going to be interested in me now. It was a miracle she’d ever been interested in me in the first place.

Last night still felt like a dream. It felt like a fantasy that couldn’t have possibly happened, and yet it had.

I’d kissed Lisa. Everything had been perfect. Until it wasn’t.

Stupid. So stupid. I was probably the most stupid girl in the history of teenage stupidity, and that was saying something considering some of the stupid things I’d seen my friends do over the years.

Yeah. I deserved what I’d done.

I walked past a little park in the middle of the neighborhood. The kind of thing homeowner’s associations put up so all the kids have a nice place to play and all the parents have a nice excuse to talk about how great their property values are.

There was no one in there right now. It might be the weekend but it was too early for the yoga pants mom brigades to be out with their strollers barely paying attention to their kids as they gossiped and stared at their phones.

I walked into the park. I was in a daze. I couldn’t think straight.

Ha. Couldn’t think straight. I was a regular comedian inside my head and I didn’t even know it.

I plopped down on a swing. Idly I kicked my legs back and forth and went through the familiar motions that I hadn’t done since back in fifth grade when we had our last recess ever and went on to middle school.

That’s when all my problems started. That’s when all these thoughts started. When everyone started dating boys and I realized that maybe that’s not what I was into.

Things had been so much easier when all the fun in the world came from something innocent like swinging on a swing.

This neighborhood hadn’t even existed when I was little. It popped up about a decade back and it was the place to live for a little while. At least until a new exclusive neighborhood popped up and then it was time for everyone to try moving there.

Still, I liked this place. It reminded me of the good old days. Of fun running around with Lisa. Riding bikes. Playing. Trying desperately not to admit to myself how I really felt about her.

And there I was doing it again. I sighed. It seemed like there was nothing I couldn’t complicate. So I kicked my legs back and forth and tried to pretend like it was the old days before middle school. Before everything got so damned complicated.

“Mind if I join you?”

I jumped. At least I would’ve jumped if I wasn’t on a swing. Instead, I did a weird little twist and nearly fell onto the sand below. I wheeled around and there was Lisa smiling.

“How’d you do that?” I asked.

“You mean sneaking up on you?” she asked. “That was easy. A charging rhino could sneak up on you with the way you’re walled off from the world.”

I stuck my tongue out at her. It was something from the old days of our friendship. Something that felt familiar.

She stuck her tongue right back out at me. I smiled.

Then I was hit with a memory. The feeling of her tongue pressing into my mouth. The dizzy feeling of being so hot and bothered as her hands roamed.

And now I was blushing.

It wasn’t fair that something could feel that good. It wasn’t fair that it felt that good but it was with a girl. With my best friend.

None of this was fair. This wasn’t what my life was supposed to be like. I was a ing cheerleader damn it. I was supposed to get a crush on some hot boy on the football team or the basketball team and he was supposed to fall head over heels for me and we were supposed to date until we both went off to college and had a messy breakup after pretending to try and date long distance.

I wasn’t supposed to fall for my best friend. My best girl friend. My girl friend who I wanted to be my girlfriend.

“You look like you’re dealing with some pretty heavy stuff,” Lisa said.

I sighed. She always had a way of knowing when I was dealing with something difficult. I don’t know how she could tell. It was just one of those things you learned about someone after being friends for years.

Only this time it was my friend who was causing the trouble threatening to drive me crazy. Could she really help me with some good advice like she usually did when this time around she was the one I needed advice about?

“Are you really going to do this?” I asked.

I winced. Okay then. My tone was maybe a little more annoyed than I’d meant it to be. The last thing I should’ve been with Lisa right about now was harsh.

I looked over to her. There was a tightness to her eyes that said she caught my tone and didn’t care for it, but she was still smiling.

She was hurt. I’d hurt her. And she was still standing th