Chapter 6: L’amour L’emporte (Love Wins)

Song - Girls Girls Boys by Panic! At The Disco

Tell her what, exactly? Could Joohyun have told Seulgi that she’s literally in love with her ever since their high school years but never really thought Seulgi would like her back — could, actually — that she wasn’t able to tell Seulgi until Seulgi introduced her girlfriend to Joohyun on Joohyun’s wedding day? Could Joohyun have told Seulgi the feelings she has been burrowing inside her chest for so long, the feelings that she tried to forgot, the feelings that she didn’t want to entertain, until she saw someone actually be that person to her best friend? Could Joohyun have told Seulgi that now, she is ready to lose everything if it means being with Seulgi?

And what about Bogum? What will Joohyun tell Bogum? Bogum is a good person and he did nothing wrong. He loved Joohyun; he married Joohyun.

That’s right. Because she just got married, for heaven’s sake. That’s why she can’t just tell Seulgi.

Seulgi was perched at Jisoo’s floor, emptily looking at nothing for about hour, after that incident with Joohyun, when Jisoo came back with groceries in her hand. That’s just when she stands up and walks towards Jisoo.

Jisoo, who wouldn’t say anything because she knew how much Seulgi would rather have quiet than talk things she didn’t want to talk about yet, just looked at her with concern, taking out the vegetables and meat she just bought. Seulgi quietly watches every ingredient in the table, probably mentally making a recipe on her head now, if not for the fact that her mind is really on something else.

“I like cooking for you,” she suddenly says, taking lettuce from the table and walking to the sink to wash it.

It’s so sudden that it takes Jisoo by surprise. “What?”

“I like cooking for you,” Seulgi repeats, quite easily with a small smile. “Remember when I first went here to see you? You said I should come often so you have someone to cook for you. You always eat out or something instant before, right?”

“Yeah,” Jisoo replies, chuckling, remembering that day when Seulgi surprised her for her birthday for the first time. They have been constantly texting and calling each other for months then and she has even went out of her way to see Seulgi at Seoul whenever she can. If she could remember correctly, there were four seminars in Busan that she attended and three out of those, she stayed a day longer to see Seulgi at Seoul.

Seulgi returned the favor by surprising her on her birthday. She was already waiting outside the station early that morning when Jisoo was about to go home after staying the night at the station. She has a cake with her and a bright smile when she saw Jisoo.

“Sorry, I should have called,” she said after greeting Jisoo.

Jisoo could only smile back then.

“I just really wanted to greet you personally,” Seulgi sheepishly said, blushing, “on your birthday. That’s all. If you’re tired, I could just —”

“Do you want to go home with me?” Jisoo immediately cut her, looking hopeful. “That way, I can rest and be with you at the same time.”

That was the first time Seulgi came to Jisoo’s apartment. Jisoo’s apartment wasn’t big and definitely not something that looked like not a police officer’s place but it was enough for two persons, cozy and comfortable to call home. Seulgi likes Jisoo’s place because after the first time she cooked for Jisoo, Jisoo always makes sure she has ingredients whenever Seulgi is there. So Seulgi could cook for her.

“You should come often,” Jisoo told her back then, watching her back from cooking. “So I always have someone to cook for me.”

“You should look for a cook then,” Seulgi replied, tasting the kimchi stew she was cooking.

“I’m not really looking for a cook.”

“Oh? Then, what are you looking for?”

“A girlfriend.”

Jisoo waited for quite some time before Seulgi turned to look at her with an amused expression. “A girlfriend?”

“Yeah, well, a girlfriend is like, good at multitasking, you know,” Jisoo answered, not breaking the stare between her and Seulgi. “She can hold my hand, she can hug me, she can cuddle with me, and she can cook for me.” She stood up and walked towards Seulgi, stopping just a foot away from her and the boiling stew.

“Yeah?” Seulgi asked, chuckling.

“Yeah,” Jisoo said, reaching for a spoon behind Seulgi to taste the stew but also finding her way to rest her head on Seulgi’s shoulder and hold her waist closer to hers while doing so. “Sort of like this.”

It was then that Seulgi felt there wasn’t any place in the world she’d rather be at that moment besides there, at Jisoo’s small apartment with a fully furnished kitchen, being held by this girl in braids as she cooked for her. It was then that Seulgi felt there was something wonderful awaiting her, if she’d grab this girl’s hand and walk together with her. It was also then that Seulgi felt she would be okay, so long as she is with Jisoo.

“If you only know,” Jisoo said, while resting her head on Seulgi’s shoulder and hitting off on her electric stove because she had a feeling they wouldn’t be eating, not until they talked about this, and she was afraid the stew would not be a stew anymore, but just some overcooked ingredients, and Seulgi’s effort to cook for her would be lost, “how much I want to see you that I’m always thinking what are you doing and when we’ll see each other again. That every morning, I will wake up and you will be the first thing that I will think of. That every night when I’m about to sleep, and even in my dreams, you are in my mind. That every time something good happens to me, I want you to be the first person to know. Or if something bad, you’re also the first person I want to talk to about it. If I can just travel to Seoul everyday just to make sure you get always get home safe, I will. And if I can just hold you whenever I can because every since I met you, my world changed. You changed my world. I even think I loved you ever since I saw you.”

There was something in Seulgi’s eyes but she was not very good in talking like Jisoo was. “Okay,” she simply said. “We’re dating now. I love you, too.”

Jisoo pulled back just enough to look at Seulgi’s face to see if the latter was joking or making fun of her because of how simple she put things were. But Seulgi was not just teasing her. There were tears in her eyes and she was smiling gratefully, beautifully.

It was Seulgi’s turn to rest her head on Jisoo’s chest, whispering, “I love you that even though my boss scolded me for taking a leave today because there were a lot of patients and she was mad because I had her sign my leave form a month ago because I really wanted to surprise you on your birthday, I still went here. I was standing on the bus for three hours because I really wanted to see you when you leave the station right on time. A strange man was even trying to talk to me in the bus. And when I was able to finally sit, that strange man was forcing me to give my number to him. I really didn’t want to tell you this. It’s just that Jeju is quite far and there are so many things that can happen between Seoul and Jeju. I’m not complaining. I just want you to know that I’m willing to go through those, and many more, just to be with you.”

After washing the lettuce more thoroughly than usual, Seulgi comes to Jisoo’s side and leans her head casually on her shoulder, like they are in some park or something. “I just want you to know that I’m willing to go through difficult times just to be with you.” She repeats the words she said to Jisoo that day.

Jisoo knows Seulgi is still having a hard time processing that her best friend did something so stupid, she wants to add, and childish like that. She doesn’t want to hate Joohyun but what she did is extremely hard to just process and simply forget for her and she just can’t imagine what Seulgi is feeling right now. After all, Joohyun is her best friend. However, no matter what the reason is, she’s not going to give up Seulgi just like that.

She raises her arm to put on Seulgi’s shoulder, pulling the other towards her even closer and kissing her gently on the temple. “Yeah?” she whispers softly, like they really are in that park somewhere, just the two of them. “Me, too.”

Joohyun doesn’t know what she’ll tell Bogum is he finds out he went to Jeju, and back, that day, doesn’t know how she’ll explain to him that she just wants to see her best friend end her relationship with that person. She doesn’t know what she’ll tell her Bogum if her husband suddenly asks what’s going on.

She is already exhausted when she lands back at Seoul and there’s nothing more than she wants to do than to sleep because when you’re asleep, there’s really not much you can think about like what she has been doing ever since Seulgi walks away from her. She tried calling Seulgi many times but Seulgi was not answering.

Of course, Joohyun thinks. She did something terrible.

Joohyun is barely holding herself up, just doing an awful job in walking straight like she is drunk or something, when she accidentally bumps into someone.

“Joohyun? Joohyun, right? Seulgi’s best friend?” As dreadful as things could go, it’s Seungwan.

Not anymore, she wants to say. “Oh, Seungwan,” Joohyun says instead. She notices a taller girl standing beside Seungwan, looking like a foreigner with really light hair that’s the same shade as a pumpkin. Well, if she remembers correctly, Seungwan is also a foreigner. It might be her sister or something.

“Hi, long time no see!” Seungwan cheerfully greets her, moving closer to throw a one-arm hug to Joohyun. “This is Chaeyoung, by the way. My girlfriend.”

Oh. Right. Joohyun puts on an awkward smile towards Chaeyoung and looks back at Seungwan, wondering how many times she has to go through this kind of introduction before she can realize that it is real. This is real.

“Anyway, we have to go. It’s good to see you,” Seungwan says. “Say hi to Seulgi for me.”

Say hi to her yourself. Joohyun simply stands there as Seungwan and Chaeyoung begin to walk away. Then, she immediately thought of something and she knows, after everything she already did, she shouldn’t be doing this anymore, but she still finds herself running after Seungwan and Chaeyoung and before she can even think about it, she is already blurting.

“Were you,” Joohyun pants, catching her breath. “Were you and Seulgi ever been together?”

“What?” Seungwan is a little confused before she understands what Joohyun is asking. “Oh,” she mutters, looking sympathetically at Joohyun, “yeah, we were, back in university days.”

So she’s really not lying. There have been others. Joohyun doesn’t even say anything anymore as Chaeyoung begins berating Seungwan who Seulgi is and Joohyun just walks away. Seulgi’s not lying. There have been others before Jisoo.

Jisoo is not the first. Seulgi wants her to be the last though.

She almost misses the vibration of her phone as she climbs to a taxi that will take her home. It’s Bogum and he sounds extremely worried when she picks up hesitantly, “Love, where are you? Are you okay?”

She could tell Bogum the truth. She could tell him what she did and how she is truly feeling right now. She could tell him she’s really hurt that Seulgi could just walk out of her life like that because of someone. She could tell him that she understands how hurt Seulgi is because of what she did but she also wants Seulgi to understand that she is hurt, too. She could tell him that marrying her has been his greatest gift to her, no matter how flawed of a person she thinks she is. She could tell him that she is thankful for everything he did and everything he’s still doing for her until now.

She could tell Bogum that she did loved him with all her heart and there’s really no one in the world that could replace him for her. But right now, she’s just hurt and confused and she doesn’t know what to do anymore.

That’s why Joohyun covers her eyes with her other hand, everything inside, and answers, “I’m on my way home, love.”

He stays on the other end for a few seconds before saying, “I’ll wait for you.” And then, he hangs up and Joohyun lets everything out, crying because she is stupid. Crying because she can’t be true to herself. Crying because she hurt her best friend. Crying because she is going to hurt a wonderful, kind man who absolutely did nothing wrong to her.

Crying because it’s hurting.