Chapter 4: The Plan

Rec Song - Dying Inside To Hold You by Darren Espanto

It’s been ten minutes or so before the bride needs to return to the party and the guests because it is a wedding after all. The groom and everyone can’t celebrate it without the bride. Even before coming back, Joohyun has her smiling expression plastered on face because come on, it’s her wedding. It’s not like she just found out her best friend likes girls.

It’s not like she just found out her best friend likes girls after years of wondering if there is even a possibility that her best friend might like her back, after years of thinking if there will ever be someone who gets to know her the same way her best friend does, after years of considering all the chances that her feelings will be returned. All because she is thinking that no, Seulgi is not like that. She doesn’t like girls. That’s why she could never, ever feel the same way she felt, feels about her.

Never, ever, that’s what Joohyun used to think. Until now, that is.

She doesn’t want to look. She begs herself not to look but she finds her eyes tracing Seulgi’s every step as she looks for Jisoo and finds her near the wine bar, leaning against the wall and sipping some red wine. Her best friend immediately sinks at Jisoo’s hold as the taller kisses her temple and whispers something. She wonders what Jisoo said to her. She wonders what she told her. She wonders if it’s about what they talked about. She wonders if it’s about her.

She wonders if Seulgi talks about her. She wonders if Seulgi tells her about all the crazy things they did together. She wonders if Seulgi tells her about her favorite foods. She wonders if Seulgi watches their favorite horror movies with her. She wonders if Seulgi shares all her fears with her. She wonders if Seulgi tells her when she has trouble sleeping. She wonders if Seulgi lets her know about all her insecurities. She wonders if Seulgi thinks she lost her best friend tonight because it’s not true.

Joohyun thinks about all the times she could have said it but didn’t. She wonders if it’s her who lost her best friend tonight.

“Love, are you okay?” Bogum quietly asks because his bride, wife has been extraordinarily quiet in a time when they are supposed to be loud and celebrating. “Did you and Seulgi fight?”

She wishes they did and then there’s nothing else to worry about because she knows they are bound to make up after a couple of hours or so. But she shakes her head, knowing this isn’t something that could be fixed in a few hours. It’s not Bogum’s fault though. She needs to try harder.

Giving him a little smile, she tells hims, “No. I think I’m just tired.”

“Do you want me to get you something?”

“No, I just need to sit for a minute. I’m fine,” Joohyun assures him. She feels selfish and guilty about thinking what she is thinking and feeling what she is feeling. If she can just shut down everything related to her best friend at the moment, she will, but all her life, she’s been there and even now, she is here and it’s just easy to just turn off everything. She is a huge part of her life and nothing is going to change that.

She knows the feeling of regret and she hates feeling it right now when Seulgi already has someone. She hates herself for never giving herself the chance. She blames herself for every ugly feeling she has inside her right now because it’s her fault. She knows it’s her fault and there’s nothing she can do about this.

Or maybe there is?

Maybe Seulgi is just confused? Maybe she is just lonely? Maybe she hasn’t really thought about this and just making reckless decisions that’s why she is with that tall, not exactly trustworthy looking girl?

She realizes life is a moving wheel. There is always something she can do and this time, she’ll not let fear control her to the point that she is going to regret not taking any chances again.

Joohyun makes the mistake of glancing back to Seulgi and Jisoo again just in time when Jisoo leans down to kiss Seulgi’s forehead in the darkness of the shadow of the wall. She wonders why she can’t keep her herself off her best friend. They are not in some place where she can just publicly display her affection to her. They are in her wedding.

She doesn’t know she is gripping the fork too tight when Bogum places his hand on top of hers. This time, he looks extremely worried, “Love, are you really alright? We can tell them to wrap up quickly.”

She is looking straight ahead, so steadfast at her decision and is already devising a plan to make Seulgi realize that she doesn’t have to do something crazy like this. She doesn’t have to settle with Jisoo. There are more options in life than what she is choosing now.

There is her.

“Love?” Bogum touches her shoulder.

“I feel perfect,” she quickly glances at her husband for a second that she doesn’t notice how concerned he is looking at her. Then, she stands up and walks towards Seulgi and Jisoo who are still leaning against the wall. However, when she reaches them, she notices that Jisoo is holding Seulgi’s hand behind the latter’s back.

Joohyun wants to pull her best friend away from her. She wants to take away those hand she used to hold a lot before and never let it go again. She wants to tell Jisoo to back off because…

Because nothing, she realizes. There’s nothing but it’s not going to stay like that for too long.

“What are you guys doing back here?” the bride asks, faking a smile. Something she doesn’t do a lot. Usually, she just has this blank expression, something like a resting face, or basically, she just doesn’t smile. “Let’s go to our table.” She only means to invite Seulgi but that seems to be out of the question now. They’re like second skins.

After the wedding, the rest of the guests leave except for Joohyun and Bogum because they planned to spend their first night as husband and wife there at the garden hotel. She jokingly invited Seulgi to stay the night with her before the wedding but when she saw that Seulgi and Jisoo are also checked in, she doesn’t ask anymore.

Needless to say, her mind is somewhere else as Bogum hugs her. “I’m so tired,” he complains, kissing her shoulder. He notices she is not listening. “Are you okay, love?”

“I’m fine,” she quickly answers, thinking about something she shouldn’t be thinking about. Her mind is racing and her heart is breaking when he thinks about her best friend, being all alone with that girl, and all the things they could be doing now. Joohyun tightly clenches her fists and hates every scene that plays in her mind.

Of Seulgi kissing Jisoo.

Of Jisoo taking Seulgi’s clothes off.

Of them…

“I’ll just check on Seulgi,” Joohyun tells Bogum, like it’s the most important thing at that moment. She speaks like it’s not her wedding night, like it’s not their first night together as a spouses.

Fortunately for Bogum, he just figures she must be nervous. He sheepishly messes his own hair with his hand and nods understandingly.

After checking with the reception, she finds out the room number and rushes to it. Joohyun doesn’t know why but she just feels like she needs to find Seulgi as soon as possible. She might be doing something she doesn’t know. She almost opens the door as soon as she steps in front of it but remembers it’s probably locked. And she knows how paranoid Seulgi is when it comes to personal security.

She stands there and thinks of all the excuses she can think of why she is there, outside her best friend’s hotel room, instead with her new husband until she hears soft moans from inside. She’ll bet everything when she will say she is sure it’s definitely Seulgi. She will know that voice anywhere under any circumstances. Like now, when blood has rushed to her face and she is trembling.

Her hand finds its way to the door, ringing the door bell, before her mind can even process what might be happening inside.

The moans stop and after a couple of seconds, the door opens and she is face to face with the person she doesn’t think she can hate so much without even knowing completely. It’s Jisoo and her expression is nothing but surprised when she sees Joohyun fidgeting outside, looking like she is going to fight someone.

“Um, hi,” Jisoo greets her with uncertainty. “Is there something wrong?” She looks back at her girlfriend who is on the bed, stretching with all of her clothes on.

“I-Uh,” Joohyun stammers, looking for a reason why she is standing there, on her wedding night, wondering whether her best friend is sleeping with the girlfriend she just met tonight, and why does it even matter to her, why does it bother her, why does it makes her feel things she knows she shouldn’t be feeling now, why…

Seulgi follows Jisoo to the door when she sees it’s Joohyun. Her hand find its way to Jisoo’s hand, like they are latched together, like that’s their normal state, the moment she stands beside her. She looks at her best friend, concerned, and asks, “Hyun, what’re you doing here? Where’s Bogum?”

Joohyun smiles at them brightly, like it’s true, and then says, “I was just checking out the guests that are still staying here before Bogum and I go to sleep. You know, bride duties.” She laughs loudly, too loudly. “What are you guys doing?” She knows she shouldn’t ask. She tries telling herself that because it shouldn’t matter to her whatever they are doing.

“Jisoo’s giving me free massage.” Her best friend’s grin is brighter than that day. It’s so bright it begins to hurt Joohyun.

Seulgi looks at her funnily and says, “You’re no longer a bride. You should go back to your husband now. He might be waiting.” She gives her a knowing smile.

“Right,” Joohyun’s mouth is smiling but her eyes are telling a different story. “I should — I should go. Sorry for disturbing you, guys. Good night.” She leaves quickly, too quickly, and under normal circumstances, Seulgi would have noticed it. She would have seen through her. She would have looked over her facade. But when she turns around again, the door is already closing, and Seulgi’s head is nestling on Jisoo’s shoulder.

A tear falls from her eyes. Jesus, she just got married.

But she wants to break that door down and get her best friend away from that person. She wants to demand why now. She wants to ask why not before. She wants to know if there was ever a chance. She wants to understand why she couldn’t be true to her earlier. She wants to hold her hand, too, like their intertwined hands are constellations in the skies, not always together but drawn like destiny. She wants her to lean her head on her shoulder, too, like she is the wall that’s keeping her together, that’s keeping her strong. She wants to…

There are so many things she wants. She’s not going to lose. She’s not going to lose Seulgi. She knows what she has to do.