김종인

[Kim Jongin]

I always try my best to relive how I felt before I felt like I was about to have all the success in the world right at my fingertips. At the age of 21, I was able to achieve all the dreams I have once aspired of. I had the money, the popularity and the perfect girlfriend. Until I finally felt like I didn't. The money started to become worthless, my popularity turning into shackles more than a crown and the love of my life gone before I know it. I was at my room, drowning myself in the quietness and darkness whilst sitting on my bed, legs crossed as I buried my head in between them. The news of a break up I didn't even put my heart completely into has finally reached the media and everyone was having a field day. Articles were continuously written creating a wave of harsh and unforgiving comments that came along with them. I was an absolute talentless trash they wrote. And that they knew my type and all I was good at was dating around. My work phone has been ringing non-stop all day. My management has been relentlessly trying to reach me but I refuse to answer. I was staying at a secret home I bought within Pyeongchang, trying to hide away from all the adversities that came with my job which includes that most, if not everyone, will feel like they get a warranted say in my life, good or bad. I was distracted by the simple ringing and wave of light that came from my personal phone which I placed at the center my bed.

8:50pm

The time was all I saw. How much time has gone by ever since I arrived here in my secret hideout, I have no idea but it must been a long time now if some were trying to reach me through my personal number. The thing about my personal number was only a selected few knew it. The only contacts listed in my phone were my members, my circle of closest friends and my family. I took a sigh and picked up my phone anyway,

Hey, Jongin. I’ll call in five minutes just to give you a heads up. I need to hear how you are after all.

-Junmyeon Hyung

Of course, he’ll be the first one to text and bug me out.

Yo, the news is out. Wanna go for a drink? It’s on me. Your neighborhood bear is out of town, well not even town, the country

-Sehun

Even his way of comforting was extremely Sehun-esque. Speaking of Seulgi, I didn’t know that she was out of the country, she’s been crossing my mind every now and then today but I can’t get myself to send her a message given how I haven’t been trying to reach out to her ever since dating Jennie. I frowned at the thought of Sul and took a quick sigh. The only reason why I stopped reaching out to her was because Jennie specifically asked me to do so. Why’d I let her and myself do that, I have no idea.

You can send me a message if you’re ready to hang out with anyone. Rest well and eat.

-Kyungsoo Hyung

The messages from my members  just probably started to come in only because they know me so well that they’re aware that when storms like this hit me, I prefer to be left alone  for a short while and I’m infinitely thankful for that.  I took a sigh and closed up my phone, feeling thirsty. Maybe, I’ll reply to their messages later. I went out of my bed to get a bottle of water from the refrigerator I place just on the corner and sat back on my bed, my upper body completely leaning on its headboard. As soon as I took a couple of gulps from it my phone started ringing. Of course Junmyeon hyung will ring me up.

I reached for my phone and decided to answer, “Hi hyung.” I greeted plainly.

“Hey.” He responded softly, “Management’s been trying to bug me the whole day about your whereabouts. I just told them to leave you alone.” He informed me matter-o-factly while I just felt thankful. That’s the thing about Junmyeon hyung, he’s usually the guy that draws the line in between our personal time and work clearly to our management in order to keep them away from prying to our personal matters.

“I figured. Thanks hyung.” I said nodding my head, “I’m sorry for the mess.” I said regretfully. “Our comeback will probably get delayed.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Jongin.” He countered softly, as if talking to a wretched up younger brother, “We have comebacks all the time. No one’s gonna lose a limb for the delay. Besides, it only means more time for ourselves.” He reassured right after, trying his best to lighten up the mood. I’ll never really figure it out how I deserve the infinite support coming from my members.

“Still, hyung.” I responded sadly.

“Hey, you’re the one who always take the gun shot for the rest of us in terms of public relationships.” He suddenly mentioned switching back to a somber tone, “The only reason why we’re able to keep our relationships under wraps is because they always headline yours.” He added while I just nodded by myself, understanding what he was trying to make me feel. Speaking of relationships,

“How are you and Irene noona?” I asked out of the blue and although I know that I have never really pried about his relationship, I knew why I asking him.

“Not that you ever asked but we’re good as ever. Although, just to cut to the chase. They’re not here in the country at the moment.” He bluntly replied, emphasizing on how he collectively addressed the whole group knowing what I was trying to do. “They’re on their flight back.” And then I heard him sigh, “At one point, I know you’ll try to reach Seulgi. So if you want to, just give it a day’s rest. They’re from their tour in Japan.” He continued, almost figuring out what I will end up doing anyway.

“I won’t bother her, hyung.” I assured him somberly, even my members know how I rely on Sul the most when I spin non-stop. She’s just that one person I run to when no one can tell me to pull my together during nasty times, she was just there during my heartbreaks no matter what context.

“Sure, you won’t.” He sarcastically shot back while I winced. Even I don’t have the confidence that I can make sure to not call her. “Do you want me to come over instead? We can hang out, you know. I can call the others too.”

“No, I’m… I’m good.” I replied after a while. “I think I need some time alone.” I added.

“I understand.” He must have been nodding his head, eyes closed while saying so, he took a breath right after, “Alright, I just checked on you. Joo’s calling me up in Kakao. It’s good to hear from you. Thanks for answering by the way.” He wrapped up while I just pushed my hair back.

“Thanks, hyung.” I said and before finally hanging up. I threw my phone in the distance, the device landing on the corner of my bed lightly as I placed my water bottle in the bed side. I finally lied down on my bed staring on the ceiling full of Nutcracker glow in the dark stickers alongside endless of the stars. I bit my lip remembering how it got there in the first place,

Spring of 2017

It was a dreary afternoon and I was spinning miserably more than ever, bottles of alcoholic drinks were all over the place and my head was throbbing from getting drunk. Even after more than seven months of my break up with Soojung I was still heartbroken than ever. I went off the grid in my newly bough secret hide out a week ago and stopped answering calls for two days now. Everything was starting to become pointless and at this point, I started to hate my job. If my profession wasn’t so public maybe Soojung and I would still be together. I lied down on the couch of my living room lifelessly, I must have slept here without me realizing it. I rubbed my face with my bare hands roughly and grunted.

“This ty life.” I mumbled angrily, my heart clenching every moment that I stayed awake. I shut my eyes forcefully willing myself to empty my thoughts forcefully and just when I was doing so I suddenly heard my phone ring. I have been evading all phone calls for two days now but still reached out to the phone from the coffee table to check who was calling,

술 (Sul)

It was an unexpected call and yet I was more than delighted to see her name on my screen. And just like that, out of habit during my stumbles, I picked up my phone in a heartbeat. It took her a long time to call this time around. I closed my eyes still lying down at my couch waiting for her to speak,

“And so you’re alive.” She greeted casually as if it hasn’t been over a year since we last talked with each other. I just chuckled by myself, relieved to hear her voice.

“Unfortunately.” I replied soberly. How do we sound like we only talked yesterday, I’ll never figure out.

“What an awful thing to say.” She just deadpanned and I just smiled. No one is ever this frank with me like she is. That’s the thing about Sul, she never tiptoes around me regardless of how often we talk. “Everyone’s getting worried, you know?” She mentioned right after while I just nodded by myself. Aware that I may have stirred up the daily thoughts of the people close to me just a bit.

“Didn't think you’d call me.” I just said instead, going off course with what she said.

“I didn’t think so too.” She just responded so casually but somehow just hearing her conversing with me already calms me down a bit, I felt like the thirteen year old me confiding to my strongest pillar then, “But then again when you have a couple of folks bugging you relentlessly, it just makes you call someone.” She suddenly ranted, “You see, your members think that I am some sort of a trap to make you come out of your shell.” She shared with disbelief.

I wanted to tell her that they’re not entirely wrong but something else came out of my mouth, “So you just called because they told you so?” I just shot back much harsher than I wanted to as I grabbed the water bottle at the table nearby to clench my thirst. There was just a brief silence from her end.

“You know that’s not entirely true, Jongin.” She replied sharply, “While it’s true that I only called you after the relentless requests from Sehun, the only reason why I didn’t call first was because I didn’t know you wanted to hear from me.” She explained tersely as if mad that I implied she didn’t care for me and sighed, “But that’s over now and here I am, now talking to you.” She altered while I just smiled. I loved that about Seulgi, she never really laments on history and just usually takes things the she have it at the present.

“Thanks for calling.” I mentioned gratifyingly , realizing it was her who took the first step after our year of silence.

“Anytime.” She replied softly, “So, I heard you’ve been feeling a lot of ?” She switched bluntly a moment after, instigating another chuckle from me. So honest and casual as usual.

“I am .” I just reaffirmed lifelessly.

“Hey, you don’t get to call yourself names.” She suddenly countered, her pitch going higher done before, “I didn’t unfreeze our whole friendship just to hear you degrade yourself.” She lectured and I can already imagine her eyes in menacing stare. She had always hated it when I talk brashly about myself.

“Aren’t you busy?” I just asked instead to shift the to