[CONTENTID1]Unniedul, Saranghae! ❤[/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2][/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID3]Izarakovic[/CONTENTID3]

[CONTENTID4]102k[/CONTENTID4]

[CONTENTID5]ongoing[/CONTENTID5]

[CONTENTID6]focus on grammar & sentences[/CONTENTID6]

[CONTENTID7]Read story here![/CONTENTID7]

[CONTENTID8]Title ( 1/10 ) ( 10% )[/CONTENTID8]

[CONTENTID9]My first reaction to the title was to cringe. The use of romanised Korean in any form typically causes disinterest rather than interest because it’s overdone and unoriginal (and I know I’m not the only one who finds it cringe-worthy). In addition to that, the exclamation point plus emoticon are unnecessary and they make it look like you’re trying too hard.

If the story is written in English, the title should be in English too. When a non-English title is used, the most probable outcomes are either: a) the chosen title is a very commonly known word or phrase and that will consequently make it cliché and uncreative, or b) potential readers won’t be bothered figuring out the meaning and their interest will simply be lost. Both situations could apply here, and neither situation is ideal.

Your title needs to be creative and original in order to gain the interest of potential readers. “Unniedul, Saranghae! ❤” fails to stand out or be memorable because there are countless other fanfics titled extremely similarly. Also, romanised Korean is cringe-worthy. The title would be better if it was in English and more relevant to the plot as well as more creative. I do think it’s at least a good length, though. This scoring may seem harsh, but I hope you understand my reasoning.[/CONTENTID9]

[CONTENTID10]Description/Foreword ( 5/12 ) ( 41.7% )[/CONTENTID10]

[CONTENTID11]The description does have relevance to the plot, but I found it to be too vague and not intriguing enough. It’s super duper short. Ideally, the description should establish the vibe of the story, an idea of the plot and the main character(s), all while aiming to reel in potential readers. I guess the main characters are mentioned in your description in a way, but it’s just too vague. Because Yongsun is the focus of the story at the very beginning, it would make sense for her to be introduced within the description. Honestly, my main advice here is that you should try to make your description just include more. Without giving away any spoilers, of course.

When there’s not enough information in the description, it’s easy for potential readers to assume that the story is predictable or uninteresting, which obviously isn’t what you want to achieve. Give them something that will draw them in instead.[/CONTENTID11]

[CONTENTID12]Presentation ( 3/4 ) ( 75% )[/CONTENTID12]

[CONTENTID13]The presentation was fine. The only reason it doesn’t get a full score is because I personally don’t enjoy the inclusion of images that act as “visual guides” for characters—especially if there’s a lot, and in this case, there’s a lot—because the main thing those images provide is an idea of hair and makeup, which could easily be described through the story instead. Also, it clogs up a lot of space and gets a bit tiring to scroll through. It could just be me, though.

Sidenote: the images aren’t displayed in the most convenient or aesthetic way, and not all of them are mobile friendly. I’m good with layouts and mobile friendly stuff, so feel free to PM me about it if you ever want help neatening that up.[/CONTENTID13]

[CONTENTID14]Plot ( 28/47 ) ( 59.6% )[/CONTENTID14]

[CONTENTID15]This kind of plot has been done before, so it wasn’t the most original. I wouldn’t call it predictable, though. The quirky vibe reminded me of various anime that I remember watching as a child, and I wouldn’t be surprised if any inspiration came from that direction.

Flow & Pacing

This flip-flops a bit. On one hand, there are some moments with too much development of irrelevant details, and on the other hand, there are also moments with not enough development of incredibly relevant details. As a result, the pacing isn’t very consistent and it also has an effect on the flow.

First, there’s a fair bit of pointless narration (particularly in the first chapter) which feels like it’s just filling in space between events. I can see the intention possibly being to show how “ordinary” Yongsun’s life is before all the crazy stuff hits, but it drags on a bit too much and in some places, is just unnecessary. For example:

If we ignore the rest of that line and only focus on the narration after the dialogue, it’s completely unnecessary to state that Wheein is asking something and that she’s starting a conversation. Both of those things are already obvious. It would make more sense to simply move onto the next line of dialogue instead.

Now let’s look at a longer example:

None of the details in this paragraph are interesting or relevant, so they could just be skipped altogether or at least cut down. Again, I can see what the intent might have been, but too much uninteresting/irrelevant narration usually just makes the story drift away from the plot and causes the reader to grow disinterested.

In addition to the “filler” stuff, there are also some random time skips where it would’ve been better to develop events in order instead of missing them completely. For example, near the beginning after Yongsun hears the explanation from Jihyo, Dahyun and Mina, the following chapter suddenly jumps to two weeks later with zero development in-between. Considering the unlikelihood of anyone accepting the situation that quickly, it would’ve definitely helped increase the realism to show the development within that time period. Time skips should be used to skip past uninteresting/irrelevant details, while relevant details should be developed (or at least included) for the sake of realism and allowing the reader to make sense of what’s happening.

This actually transitions well into the next topic:

Realism

For the most part, while the world in this story isn’t necessarily the most realistic, it’s quite easy to get used to and at some point, I came to accept the quirkiness. The setting didn’t end up raising many questions as a result. However, the realism of the events did get a bit questionable.

Yongsun is far too accepting of the situation. Three random, girls appear in her room overnight and her only response to their explanation is basically, “Okay. Feel free to stay here, then.” From a realistic standpoint, no one would accept the explanation so easily. Even with the “proof” of being shown how Jihyo, Dahyun and Mina can transform, it still wouldn’t be easy to believe the explanation. There’s also the case of how the whole thing starts. Realistically, it’s hard to see why anyone sane would follow a bat just because the eyes are intriguing. It’s even less likely if that bat can grin because I’d think that a bat grinning would be extremely creepy and unsettling (I get that the bat is supposed to be cute, but if it’s dark outside, c’mon. Everything is creepy in the dark). This also ties in with characterisation though, so I’ll go into it more in the characters section later.

The story does classify as “fantasy” which means the author and reader are going to have to stretch their imagination a bit anyway, but that doesn’t mean it can’t still be realistic. All that means is that things have to make sense. So my recommendation to you would be to constantly question whether or not things make sense because if they do, it works. This could apply to anything; whether the origin/development of the setting makes sense, whether the progression of events makes sense, whether the reactions of characters make sense, etc. If things don’t add up, then you’ll just be left with a bunch of confused readers (and I was one of them).

TL;DR

Realism is the main thing to improve. The story itself is good, it just needs more development to improve flow and pacing (and again, realism).[/CONTENTID15]

[CONTENTID16]Writing ( 16/37 ) ( 43.2% )[/CONTENTID16]

[CONTENTID17]I’m aware you aren’t a native English speaker, so it’s understandable that there are errors scattered throughout. The most helpful thing for you would be to have a beta who’s fluent in English to scroll through and clean up the small errors that don’t make sense. With that being said, I’ll still point out things that stood out to me because it may help if you see some examples.

Inconsistent Tenses

This is the main thing about grammar I want to comment on. It’s difficult to tell whether the story is intended to be written in past or present tense because it alternates frequently. Near the beginning, I noticed it tended to switch around a lot just within individual sentences. As the story progressed a bit further, it got slightly more consistent within larger blocks of text, so well done on improving that. However, it still isn’t fully consistent. It’s obviously going to be more challenging for a non-native speaker to recognise incorrect tenses as opposed to a native speaker, so again the most helpful thing for you would be to have a beta who’s fluent in English to pick up the errors and fix them for you. Over time, being able to see the correct version may help you improve as well (but if you do end up getting a beta, make sure to choose well, because not all native English speakers are capable of recognising a