Chapter 4: Well, I just finished reading. I find it very difficult to write realistic dialogue. I was laughing while reading Baekhyun’s dialogue. Mom, mom, mom.
Like homouality supporters, Eunwoo believes homouality is natural because homouality is found in nature. It's one of the main points of the story. Cannibalism is also found in nature. Eating humans may soon as well consider natural because animals engage in cannibalism. People who go against cannibalism will be labeled "Canniphobia" just like people who go against homouality are labeled "Homophobia".
People tend to believe that their perspective is the right one and enforce it on others, right? I already wrote Jiyeon's motive in chapter 6. As a sister, she can't let her brother get involved in behavior that will likely lead to a ual disease.
Regarding to heteroual people who have/get HIV, the use of disinhibiting substances, including alcohol, crystal methamphetamine, and other recreational drugs has been linked to ual diseases. Hence, Jaehyun said, "Without all the science, there's one thing which virtually always holds true: when we interfere with the body's natural processes, we create unintended problems for ourselves."
Regarding to people who born with a disease, do you know epigenetics? Epigenetics is a system of turning genes off and on. We humans have just over 20,000 genes in our body and each of these genes can be expressed or not depending on how tightly it is wound and with which chemicals it is packed. What the mothers ate and emotions influenced the expression of genes in their offspring. We live in a crazy/toxic world and being adjusted to that is insane. We will need a return to nature if we are to survive.
Jiyeon believes in God spiritually. Appreciating the natural world is how she "worships" God. One can be spiritual and pray without going to church or any of that stuff. Spirituality and Religion are two different things. I put Baekhyun for a religion reason.
Chapter 3: Hello, I'm so sorry I only finished reading it today :(
okay so I won't be long because tbh I agree with everything you said, especially because this fic is my first in English and I also feel like I hadn't improved much since I started writing it
#1 Title : my first reaction reading your review was 'damn boi same', because, well. This story was supposed to be a rewrite for a fic I made about 8-9 years ago with different characters, and, well, the only reason I use that title is only for the sake of nostalgia. I did have a lot of other titles for this, but I think I'll keep it as it is for now. I'm sorry but I really appreciate your review and perhaps I'll change the title one day
#2 Desc & foreword : I'm the worst at making descriptions. I'm still trying to learn and include more of the desc of my story, but sometimes what I wrote in the description will stray far away from the actual story. But now my fic is nearing it's end so I'll try to find a better description
#3 Presentation : I made the foreword like how a 2008 author would, I'm so sorry. I'll try to make it better. By the way I've seen some of your layout works and those are neat. I'll try to arrange that myself first but if I can't figure it out to do it on my own, can I use it? Hehe thank you so much ^^
#4 Plot : yes, realism. Even now I will sometimes think like wtf did I write but I'm still working hard in realism. Maybe because IRL I'm kind of a 'too accepting' kind of person (yes, like Yongsun) and would start asking about things much later, I feel like I inserted myself too much into her. I do understand that it's not quite a good trait. I'll try to make her inner feelings be known more, maybe with an additional chapter before the time skip?
#5 Writing : ain't gonna say anything because that's exactly what I need. Thank you so much for pointing out my mistakes, I'll try to improve in later chapters and I'll edit the earlier chaps once I finish it. I do think that I'm starting to get the hang of it soo... good luck for me, I guess? And the beta, guess I'll try to find one. Like, even I feel like my comment now has a lot of grammatical mistakes :') Sorry again
#6 Characters : yes, Yongsun is 'a bit' dumb. I wanted to make her like a character that act mostly by her feelings but I think I hadn't been able to show that to the readers. And because of your review, I just realized something about my works. So I have this huge problem of wanting to involve literally /everyone/ in my work. Not only on fics where there are a lot of people already established (like, Twice members are already 9), but also on my stand-alone works I tend to use a whole lot of characters. If that doesn't bother you, can I ask for a tip to keep my characterization in lane? About the 'unnie' thing, I'll edit it again, thank you for reminding me
Btw about that anime thing, yes. My head is basically playing an anime the whole time I write this fic. I do understand that this kind of fic is not the most matured but this is something I enjoy greatly. I enjoy animes with all their cliches and I aspired to become a mangaka but failed miserably, so this is one of the outlet of my... you can say frustration. Even if you don't really enjoy that, I somehow still feel glad that I can convey my anime riddled mind to the reader.
Last but not least, thank you very much, you've done so much for me. I know that I still have a lot to improve and your review helps me a lot. Thank you again, and sorry for replying so late aaaaaa life happened. I'll credit you as soon as I can! I love you so much <3
Chapter 2: This comment is going to be kinda long. Sorry about that.
Title: Those Who Can refers to the all the weird things Chaerin and Jieun made happen. I tried to make it come full circle near the end when Donghae said they can do things after Yoona noticed some unexplainable details, and then boom. Donghae does the unimaginable and makes a wish based on what he assumes they can do and make happen for him. With all due respect, I think the title nailed it.
Presentation: I should’ve been consistent with italicizing words outside of narration. I don't know what I was thinking.
Plot: This piece started off as something for me to just complete, but I should’ve added more scenes to really hit home on how the sisters messed with Yoona’s life to make Yoona’s feelings more justified and less dramatic. I also should’ve done a better job of weaving in more details about the relationships. Multiple chapters were probably ideal.
Writing: The ‘their’ in the first sentence was connected to two preceding sentences that I had erased. My dumb self just forgot to edit the remaining sentence. I need to be more meticulous when editing. Anyway, I see what you mean about spacing out the literary devices thus making the writing less over the top. I’ll also work on varying my sentences and descriptions. I tried to keep the same dark, angsty tone throughout, but I guess I went overboard. Ugh. I’ll have to work on that as well. As for the lines that used two different words for mind, I don't see a problem with it *shrugs*.
Characters: I can't reiterate enough that the story should’ve been longer. That would’ve helped with connecting to the characters. Once again though, with all due respect, the only character I feel I messed up on was Yoona. She was overly dramatic and icky.
Wow. You’ve given me a lot to think about. The story needs more scenes and detail. Thank you for not holding back on anything. I’ll make sure to credit you.
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