D O U B T ,   P T .   1   ( W H Y   F A N - S E R V I C E   M A K E S   E V E R Y T H I N G   D I F F I C U L T )

Disclaimer: Descriptions of the Dramarama MV storylines and shooting locations are entirely my own interpretations and imagination at work.

Starship was undoubtedly one of the most chill companies in the Korean boy group industry when it came to adding LGBT-related themes to their music videos, or at least as far as the members of Monsta X were aware. After the release of All In, nobody could question that. Hyungwon himself had been the subject of that music video and the reveal that he and Minhyuk were going to act a full-blown couple had scared the living hell out of him—after all, nobody was supposed to know about his true uality. Least of all his company. The idea settled in his brain that he'd somehow misstepped and that the company had figured him out, but eventually he realised that that was not the case. A few hours with their MV director made that very clear. He had passionately explained the heteroual chemistry they had to replicate, even going as far as having them wear wigs when rehearsing—for easier imagination, he'd said—although Minhyuk had stated that it would not be necessary. While Minhyuk had found the wig ridiculous, for Hyungwon it made it just a little bit easier to pretend that he wasn't overwhelmingly happy about getting to act out a same-gendered couple on screen. Of course, out of the near six minutes of usable material they had recorded, a little over fourty seconds had been used. This was also the time when Hyungwon had realised what type of man he actually found attractive and, unfortunately, Minhyuk didn't fall in that category.

Now, Starship had decided that it was time to bring back the fanservice. This time it was one third of the Dramarama MV, filmed over the course of a full week on Jeju Island, that would carry the honor of introducing two brand new ships to the Monbebe's world. Those ships were Shownu and Wonho with their time-crossed lovers ordeal, then Jooheon and Kihyun in an emotional lost love story. The subtext wouldn't be remotely as clear as in All In, but it was there and it was very intentional. And for Hyungwon, watching the Wonho/Shownu storyline in action, was equal parts beautiful and unbearable.

The material that they were supposed to film would end up being around four minutes, which then would be cut down to fit into the video along with the other two storylines and the performance sections. Shownu and Wonho's story was roughly that of a young man, played by Wonho, from 2047 who has spent his life trying to learn martial arts in a world where nobody knows it anymore. He manages to get his hands on an illegal time travelling device and goes back to the year 2017, where he meets Shownu who would grow up to become the last true master of the arts. Wonho travels to him in secret every day to practice and, eventually, they fall in love. However, before Wonho has the chance to admit his feelings, he is apprehended by the authorities in his own time and the device is taken away from him. Their story contained a number of fight scenes, some intense eyegazing, lowkey intimate gear dressing, lots of sweat and steam and a Wonho solo shower scene.

A shower scene?! Hyungwon screamed inwardly for like the two-hundredth time. I mean, come on, it's like Starship is trying to torture me! Why couldn't I have a different schedule to do? But nooo~ we need behind the scenes so lets have all of us be here for an hour to be filmed while watching Hoseok take a shower!

Hyungwon didn't often sound the way he did in his head right now—sassy, y and almost angry—and he was glad that nobody was able to see through his exterior and hear those things. First of all, because he wouldn't be allowed to sound like that while being near a camera and, secondly, because it wasn't all true. He wanted nothing else in this world but to be allowed to watch the scene play out for hours on end. He was at a safe distance too, close enough to make out the shadows of every muscle on Hoseok’s arms, but far enough to be out of the older’s sight. He was standing to the side of the shooting set, which was a large, gymnasium shower room built specifically for this solo scene. At the moment there were no cameras rolling apart from the one fixed on Hyungwon’s profile, dedicated to catch even the tiniest of reactions from him.

”Woah,” he said to gain some time to think of better things to say. “Our Hyung looks so good like this. Almost scary...”

Excuse me, what did I just say? That was not what I intended. Well, Monbebes like it when we say that kind of stuff, don't they? But I can't say too much...

Fortunately, the camera director was more than ready to help him along when his thoughts wandered off. “What is going on here right now?” she prompted.

”We’re recording a scene for the Dramarama MV, our Wonho-hyung is over there, but you’re not allowed to see just yet,” Hyungwon explained with a mysterious smile to the camera, imagining the thousands of Monbebes who would be just as excited about seeing Hoseok shirtless as he was. “It’s a surprise for our Monbebes.”

”And what's up next for you?” the camera director continued, quietly as to not let it catch on the camera too much. She knew perfectly well what, but the Monbebes did not.

Hyungwon looked down at himself, made up and dressed all proper for his own rain scene that would be shot in a few hours. “It’s my turn to record after this. I hope Monbebes will love what we have in store for them, this music video will be very exciting.” He got in a little closer to the camera and smiled warmly, an earnest excitement filling him. He put up two thumbs in the air, then turned them into tiny little hearts for his beloved fans. “Look forward to it!"

One, two, three seconds, then the camera turned away and the director called it. She told Hyungwon good job and that they got enough footage of him for the moment, then headed off to chase down the next member in line. Who that was, Hyungwon didn't care, as he resumed his distanced gazing onto the set. By now the make-up artists, lighting crew and the people responsible for making Hoseok's hair look its best were all done and ready for action. Hoseok himself had slipped into his role a few minutes ago, maintaining a kind of expression Hyungwon had only ever seen on his older—stone-cold and strong at heart, yet so soft and broken that it felt like he would come apart at the smallest touch. Hyungwon wanted to run up and get the camera crew away from him. In the glowing blue light of the set and with the water starting to run all over his upper body, Hoseok became too beautiful for this world.

No camera will be able to capture that. I've seen hundreds of videos, thousands of images of him. They can't get all of it, so why even bother to try? 

The tingles that Hyungwon had suffered for the past three weeks returned, ever stronger with each passing day. He let them come, let them travel across his body. They tickled his waist and his fingtertips, made his skin long for more contact. His mouth watered and his heart began to hurt. Three weeks since he'd realised. Three weeks of walking, standing, dancing and being by Hoseok's side with no ability to tell him the things Hyungwon now accepted as true. Three weeks of worrying that any prolonged eye-contact was going to get him kicked out of the group. In the end it had made Hyungwon anxious that maybe Hoseok was going to notice that he didn't act the same, that he was being colder off camera than normally and kept his distance in public situations, trying to have at least one member between them at all times. Hyungwon hated it every time he did that, but he didn't feel like he had a choice either. The alternative was to suffer by allowing Hoseok to get closer to his heart and Hyungwon just couldn't handle that pain. Hoseok wasn't going to return his love, Hyungwon was almost certain of that, and even if there was a chance that he would, they wouldn't be allowed to. The world that they lived in, the careers they were pursuing, their dreams both together as a group and individually, did not allow for two men to love each other. Not truly. Their intimacy would be limited to fanservice—anything and everything goes, as long as it stays clear of being undoubtedly homoual.

For Hyungwon, there was no doubt. He didn't want there to be either. If he were to find love, he wanted to be able to show the entire world without fear of sacrificing his or his partner's dreams in the process, so he kept his distance. Limited his contact with Hoseok to when there was at least one more member with them. That way he could keep his heart safe and their idol careers intact.

He hated every second of it.

Hoseok's scene was reshoot three times—not because he couldn't do it but because they wanted to have multiple shots to choose from. The extra repetitions allowed Hyungwon to relive his embarassment from the dance studio showers three weeks back, seeing Hoseok and taking in every inch of him before getting discovered. This wasn't as bad, but it was close enough. However, Hyungwon couldn't take his eyes off of the scene and decided to enjoy it as best he could, while he could. In a little bit the shoot was going to be finished and Hyungwon would be whisked away to film his own segment.

The second that the director called cut on the last reshoot, Hoseok snapped out of his role and lit up like a sun. The wide, white smile was so far away and directed on someone else, but it still made Hyungwon's heart skip a beat. It made the corners of his own mouth turn up and he even chuckled a little, filling with warmth at the sight of Hoseok hurrying for a towel to dry himself off, complaining humorously about the coldness of the water he'd been forced to shower in. The make-up artists were all over him again with towels and a robe as the set designers got to work on moving the cameras and lights for the next shoot. Hyungwon didn't notice that the behind-the-scenes camera had returned until long after it had begun recording him again. Just as he caught the red, blinking light in the corner of his eye, Hoseok's eyes shifted and he looked straight at Hyungwon across the large space.

His smile widened even more, eyes near glittering. Hyungwon's breath caught in his throat and his entire body began to tingle, shivers running up and down his spine and through his veins. If he was lucky, it was too dark for his burning cheeks to be visible on camera, but he didn't count on it. His mouth couldn't help but return Hoseok's smile from all across the studio, the moments when they were looking straight at each other making the rest of the world blur out for a bit.

When Hoseok was deemed dry enough to move around, the older visual walked through the abundance of cameras and lighting equipment to where Hyungwon was standing, his behind-the-scenes camera still rolling although he wasn't active with it at all. Hoseok knew that the camera was there and he reminded Hyungwon of it painfully by coming over and putting himself shoulder to shoulder with the younger. Hyungwon couldn't move away, couldn't show how his heart was racing or let his eyes linger too long on the still shining, wet skin of Hoseok's upper lip. The camera would catch it all.

Of course, Hyungwon was a professional and his instincts as an idol saved his panicing heart. "Our Hyung is so talented," he told the camera in an enthustiatic voice and put a hand on Hoseok's bare shoulder, discreetly trying to keep the unwrapped bathrobe from slipping too far down. The statement had more than the intended effect.

"Aww~" Hoseok wooed shyly and leaned his head on Hyungwon's shoulder, s his arm in behind Hyungwon's back and let it come to rest around the narrow of his waist. An equal parts pleasant and terrifying shudder moved up Hyungwon's body from the touch. "Our Hyungwonnie is just saying this because it's his turn to shoot next. He's fishing for compliments later."

"I'm not!" Hyungwon shook his head vigorously at the camera and laughed when Hoseok did, then pouted in feigned offense. "Hyung will steal the entire MV for himself. Monbebes won't get to see any of the rest of us."

"No, no, no, no, no," Hoseok hurried to say. "If anyone's going to steal the show it's our Hyungwon. Menbebes should look forward to it!"

"Look forward to it!" Hyungwon repeated his older's words and winked at the camera, hopinh that the heat rushing to his face would come across as shyness from being complimented rather than what it actually was.

The camera stopped rolling once more and the crew hurried away at the call from the MV director. A lot of work needed to be done in shourt amount of time before Hyungwon's turn in the spotlight was due. It would be the last shoot of the day, then the boys would be free to eat and enjoy the rest of the evening in Jeju city by themselves. Hyungwon would have looked forward to that, would've been excited about his own shoot or that he'd get to eat a proper meal soon, but he couldn't right now. Time itself had stopped and Hyungwon was lost in the moment—lost in the fact that although the behind-the-scenes camera had long since left them, Hoseok was still standing just as close and holding his waist just as tightly as before. It was almost as if Hoseok too had drifted off into his thoughts as he watched the crew work to change the shooting set. That he was unaware that he was still embracing the younger.

When Hyungwon couldn't take the mixed euphoria and panic anymore, he carefully stepped aside so that Hoseok's arm fell away from him. "So, uhm, you're all done now?"

"Yeah," Hoseok said matter-of-factly, still smiling in a way that made Hyungwon's own lips curve. "I was thinking that I'd grab a quick snack somewhere, then maybe check out your shoot. It shouldn't take too long, right? Then we can all go get something to eat. The others are in dance rehearsal right now, I think, but they should be done by the time we are."

We. I hope he's just going to watch my shoot because he's been told to record some behind the scenes. I don't think I could take it if he wants to be there just to watch me. He's got more important things to do, like practicing his sword fighting scenes or join the others for dance practice. Maybe get his make-up removed or something. I won't be able to concentrate if he's going to be there and stare at me like... like what I've been doing to him for the past hour-and-a-half. Damn, Hyungwon, don't get any ideas in your head. He's your friend, he just wants to be supportive. He's not interested in you. Not that way.

"... really handsome in that thing."

Hyungwon snapped out of it, whatever mindles rant he'd slipped into. "Sorry, what?"

"I said you look really handsome," Hoseok repeated with a small chuckle and gestured for Hyungwon's entire body. Hyungwon quickly looked down and was reminded once again of the stylish suit he'd be wearing for his scenes in the MV. "You look like a true god."

"I'm supposed to be a time traveller," Hyungwon heard himself say although he wasn't aware that he'd planned to. His heart was beating too hard, his mind racing too fast.

"A time travelling god," Hoseok emphazised and gently tapped Hyungwon in the chest. "It's in the script, don't think I didn't read it."

He called me handsome. He called me a true—

—wait, he's called me handsome lots of times before. He calls everyone handsome all the time. Everyone. Always. Not just me. Stop hyperventilating! Am I hyperventilating? Am I even breathing..? Oh , breathe! But the way he looked at me just now... how am I supposed to take that? Why does he do this to me? What's going on?

Hyungwon hoped for his dear life that he was smiling at least a little so that Hoseok wouldn't notice the war of emotions that was going on inside his body. Even if it was noticeable, Hoseok thankfully didn't comment on it. Instead, his own smile faded somewhat and he became more serious, clearing his throat and taking just a tiny step backwards. Hyungwon's train of thought stopped abruptly, surprised by the sudden change of aura between them.

"By the way, if you have time later after dinner, do you think we could talk? Just you and me?" Hoseok rolled on the balls of his feet. If Hyungwon didn't know better, it almost looked like he was nervous. "Not to frighten you or anything, it's nothing like that, but I don't want the others to know about it just yet and I don't want to talk about it here. That okay?"

Okay, you can stop breathing now, it's fine.

"Of course, sure," Hyungwon said and nodded automatically.

Anytime you wanna drop dead, just do it. No heads up, I'm good to go—

Hoseok lit up like a sun. "Great," he breamed, then began to walk away backwards. "You're gonna like it, I swear!"

Hyungwon remained frozen to the floor where he stood as Hoseok turned around and headed off, probably to get dressed properly or dry himself off. Half of him wanted to follow Hoseok, grab a hold of his way-too-hot-to-be-allowed arms, drag him into some dark corner and demand that he tell him what he wanted to say or else Hyungwon might actually explode, the other half of him wanted to run in the opposite direction, out of the studio and back to the cliff that he knew lay not far from where their rented house was located. Maybe, if he jumped very far, the cliff would be high enough to actually put an end to this suffering.

Am I imagining things? Did he not just wrap his arm around me for no reason? Has he not been talking very sweetly to me lately without having any cameras nearby? That's what been killing me all week. Could it be that... No. No, he wouldn't. I'm just seeing what I want to see. I want him to like me and so I'm imagining things to make it seem like he does. He's probably got some issue or something with another member and he wants to ask me about it before bringing it up with the others. That's happened before, the time his earings kept getting stolen. But why would he want to plan the whole thing? Why not just pull me aside and ask me directly? And why not here? It's not like either of us are in a hurry. Damn, I'm so confused! Why does it have to be him, huh?! Can't I just be allowed to work through these feelings and let them go? Why does he have to be all sweet and dreamy around me like this?

Damn you. Damn you and your lovely voice, your glistening eyes and your addictive laugh. Damn your kissable lips and strong arms. Damn you for making me fall in love with you.

Hyungwon walked over to the shooting set and offered to help with whatever he could without risking his make-up or clothes. He put himself in front of the behind-the-scenes camera again, read through the manuscript for the MV, watched footage on the director's computer from Minhyuk and Changkyun's scenes that had been recorded the day before. A third of the time he was one-hundred percent concentrated on his soon-to-be-recorded scene. One third he spent soaring through a heaven of love and eccstasy, the last third he tried to repress a panic attack. Okay, maybe more than a third. Half the time. Thee fifths.

Damn you. What is it that you're going to tell me? What's so important to you that you have to be alone with me to say it? Why did you look all nervous about it? Could it be what I think it is...? What I want it to be..?

The tingles were constant now, emitting from the narrow of his waist in waves of pleasure and warmth. As if Hoseok's large hands were still cupping it. Hyungwon wanted it to be there, wanted him to come back and take his into his arms again. At the same time it was enough to make him want to cry just thinking about it and how impossible something like them being together would be.

Damn you, Shin Hoseok.

Damn everything.

Damn me and my stupid emotions.

Just... damn...

To be continued soon in Doubt, pt. 2 (What is Joohyeok's problem?!)