S U G A R   ( I S   T H I S   E V E N   E D I B L E ? )

When Hyungwon woke up to the sound of an empty dorm, he was struck with the same feeling one would get when you wake up by yourself after having slept through an alarm. Counsciousness returned to him slowly, then all at once as he realized that he was completely alone in the room. Both Hyunwoo’s and Changkyun’s beds were empty, the door into the hallway closed and the drapes pulled in front of the window. The room was dark but the bright lines of light shining from behind the drapes showed that it was nearing midday. Hyungwon’s body was ready to jump straight out of bed and run to whatever schedule he had missed, but he was relieved to remember that he wasn’t late for anything. He’d done exactly what he was supposed to be doing, which was to sleep.

It was nice, being allowed to sleep in for once, but it was also very weird. Hyungwon had gone to bed the second he’d come home the day before, tucked in and cared for by s after the unfortunate incident at dance practice. The only times he’d been disturbed was when the group’s manager had stopped by to hear what had happened, then once more when a doctor had come to check up on him. Hyungwon did not remember Hyunwoo and Changkyun going to bed or waking up. He must’ve really been exhausted then, he supposed, because altogether he had just slept for thirteen hours in a single day.

Reaching over to the nightstand where his phone was charging, Hyungwon went into the company app and checked through his and s schedules. He was alone in the dorm, just like he’d thought. The rappers were at the studio writing and recording music, while the rest of the vocalists had stage training—practicing the technique of singing and dancing at the same time. Hyungwon was supposed to be at that same practice, but his doctor had forbidden it. One full day of complete rest, then we’ll see if he’s feeling well enough to start training again. That’s what the doctor had said. Hyungwon didn’t mind the rest, he really felt like he needed it, but he also felt a little stupid. Stupid for being at home doing nothing while everyone else was working hard to prepare for their next comeback. Stupid for ever allowing himself to get so tired that he had to faint at a dance practice in front of everyone, worrying them for no reason.

He also remembered with the skip of a heartbeat that he'd been lying in Hoseok's lap for a good half hour before the company driver came to pick him up. Not only that, but Hoseok had comforted him while doing so, one hand on Hyungwon's chest and the other brushing through his hair every once in a while. Hyungwon hadn't asked him to do it or been so out of it that it felt necesary for his comfort. Hoseok had done all of those things by his own choice.

It means nothing, Hyungwon forced himself to think. He does that all the time, to all of us. He would have done the same for any of our other members. He just cares a lot. Just being nice, like he always is.

Although he refused to acknowledge it, the only thing that truly meant nothing was Hyungwon's lies to himself. Even now, lying there alone in bed just thinking about Hoseok made his heart race. He could feel the weight of the older's hand on his chest like a lingering ghost, sending tiny thingles through his entire body still. Those tingles were especially ticklish in another area as well—the left side of his waist, where Hoseok's hand had him so gently that time in the studio.

That was weeks ago! Why would I still be affected by that? It's not like I actually want him to touch me, it's just a fan thing. Something for the shippers and our Monbebes. Okay, maybe I do, but not because it's HIM but because I'm... well, no point in trying to deny it to myself, is it?

Hyungwon didn't even remember when he'd realised the truth about himself. He figured that he'd just gradually grown into it, the same way other boys around him had discovered their fascination with girls. When his male friends had begun to compete for the girls' attention in middle school, Hyungwon had just kind of fallen back and observed from the shadows with very mild interest. Those years were when he'd begun to realise that liking the same gender wasn't considered normal, because his parents and grandparents, even his own older brother, had started to ask whether there were any special girls at school. He never found one, but he did find some of his male classmates pretty interesting. Not long after that, Hyungwon began his modelling career after having been scouted on the school yard by an agency. A TV commercial here, some fashion brand shoots there and off he was into the world of fame where neither love nor social life had any space. Becoming a trainee and ending up on MNET's No.Mercy did not help his self-discovery any bit at all. If he ever had a chance at coming to terms with the truth—that he was in fact not interested in the opposite gender whatsoever—it would've been before he joined Monsta X. By the time of their debut, it was way too late. It had been drilled into his skull that a perfect image, unending love for the fans and a non-questionable dedication were everything that mattered. Working on his self-acceptance and finding love? About as likely as their company putting it on his schedule...

The clanging sound of plates or pots banging together alerted Hyungwon to a new presence in the dorm. When he focused on it he thought he could hear the white noise of something boiling on the stove as well. Although he wanted to get up and see who was home so early from their schedule, he didn't want to have to move. The room was cool even in the hot summer and the cover was pleasantly airy.

He didn't have to wait long until the answer to his question presented itself in the door. It swung open carefully, revealing Hyunwoo and Kihyun as they peered into the room. The second they realised that Hyungwon was awake, they walked straight in with smiles on their faces. Hyunwoo took a seat on his own bed across the room from Hyungwon, while Kihyun made himself comfortable on the edge of Hyungwon's bed.

"How're you feeling, champ?" Kihyun asked, patting Hyungwon's arm through the cover. "You hanging in there?"

Hyungwon offered his older a weak but warm smile. "I'm not dead, so that's a plus."

"Eaten anything yet?" Hyunwoo said, laying down on his own bed with a long sigh. It was evident that he'd been working really hard at practice and was tired. "Hoseok's making lunch right now. He got back before us so it should be done soon. I'll bring some up if you want it."

"No, that's okay, I'm not—"

Hyungwon hadn't even felt if he was hungry or not yet, the words just slipped out anyway, but he never got to finish them. Before he could, heavy footsteps and the sounds of tableware clamouring came from the door. Hoseok entered the room with a tray in his hands, on it a bowl of something steaming hot and a glass of water. He smiled brightly at Hyungwon as he came around Kihyun's legs and sat himself down on his knees beside Hyungwon's head. Hyungwon didn't know what to do, the older's unnecessarily beautiful smile affecting him unexpectedly, so he sat up and moved towards the wall behind him. He made it look like he was just trying to lean himself on something instead of the truth, which was that Hoseok had just been too damn close to his face when he was still lying down.

No! No blushing, what's wrong with you?! Hyungwon scolded himself. He swallowed thickly and became suddenly very self-aware. He was only wearing underwear and a very loose tank top that barely covered anything. Why should I care? These guys have seen me many times, why does it suddenly bother me that I'm not wearing pants?

"Hungry, Hyungwonie?" Hoseok asked and he set the tray down on the bed in front of his younger. "It's homemade. Well, partially anyway. Jjajjangmyeon. Added a little something to make it more like what my mom made me when I was sick."

"I'm not sick," Hyungwon said without intending to, cheeks still feeling a little warmer than they should and lips pulling upwards into a smile he didn't want to make. "But thank you. Smells delicious."

"Is there more?" Kihyun asked, sniffing the air over the bowl with a delighted hum.

"Loads," Hoseok said. He took the bowl and placed it in Hyungwon's hands, then made to stand up. "I'll bring you some."

"No, no, no, I'll get it myself," Kihyun assured and got up from Hyungwon's bed, disappearing out of the dormroom.

The black, meaty stew smelt absolutely amazing, Hyungwon thought and drew deep breaths from the rising steam. It didn't smell like the jjajjangmyeon that Hyungwon was used to, though, but Hoseok had said that it wasn't. It warmed Hyungwon's entire being that his older cared so much about his health that he'd spend whatever free time he had between schedules to make food for him like this. Hoseok's eyes were also near glittering as he sat himself on the edge of the mattress with his back half turned, watching the younger with anticipation over his shoulder. This time Hyungwon didn't try to hide a smile—it would be impossible anyway with the warmth of Hoseok's gaze on him—as he brought the first bite of the stew-drenched noodles to his mouth.

Had he been a pickier eater, he would've spat the food straight in Hoseok's face.

What the actual...? Are they screwing with me? The food wasn't super nasty or super spicy. There were no signs that it was spoiled either, it was just... extremely weird. There was something in it that definitely shouldn't be there, but Hyungwon couldn't put his finger on what it was. He's joking with me. This is a prank, it's got to be.

"What's wrong?" Hoseok asked him worriedly, smile falling away immediatelly. "Is it bad?"

There were no lies or deceit in Hoseok's eyes. He was genuinely concerned that Hyungwon didn't like the food. He wouldn't be if he was aware that the food was not meant for eating. And Kihyun had gone downstairs to get some too and Hoseok hadn't stopped him.

Oh, no. I can't tell him that it's bad if it's just a mistake... He'll feel horrible and he worked so hard for my sake. Maybe it's not even a mistake, maybe he likes it this way. That would make him feel even worse! The food still smelled amazing, it was the taste that made Hyungwon want to gag. With the noodles hanging halfway out of his mouth and expression bordering between disgusted and faked appreciattion, Hyungwon sighed inwardly. I'll just have to eat it, then. Trick him into thinking I like it. At least he won't feel bad.

He put on his most adorable smile and let the noodles fall back into the bowl, mixing them around and blowing on them a little. "No, it's really good. Just very hot."

"Oh, that's good. Eat carefully, then." Hoseok gave a new, warm smile of pride and stood up from the bed, walking over to the opposite side of the room. Hyungwon took a new bite of the would-be-jjajjangmyeon, trying not to taste it too much as he gulped it down. He could do it, it wasn't that horrible, so he took another bite just for show.

The second bite was harder for him to swallow, but not because of taste at all. Rather it was because Hoseok had gone over to the bed where Hyunwoo was now resting tiredly and decided to crawl on all fours onto the bed, stand himself over their blissfully ignorant leader and lay down on top of him. The strong but soft vocalist snuggled his face into the crook between Hyunwoo's shoulder blades for a bit, then leaned his chin on him as if getting ready to fall asleep. Hyunwoo made a half-annoyed, half-amused face and groaned in protest at the weight on his back. Although the scene playing out before Hyungwon's eyes looked every bit the kind of fanservice that Monsta X usually provided their beloved Monbebes with, it did feel like it at all. Heat spread all over Hyungwon's face, much less pleasant than the shy blush from before, and his stomach turned in a way that had nothing to do with the food. The uncomfortable sickness spread to his limbs, his head and, lastly, his heart, making everything feel wrong.

Hyungwon wanted to stab the chopsticks down his own throat, and he had absolutely no idea why.

"Hoseok-ah!" The sudden outburst came from down the hall and, very soon, Kihyun reappeared in the door to the dorm. There was an almost disappointed look on his face as he held out his hand and the item in it for Hoseok to look at. "I don't know what you think you put in that stew but this isn't it."

From his position, Hyungwon couldn't see the label on the white, cylindrical container that Kihyun was flashing, but he recognised it all the same. Baking powder. That was the weird flavour that Hyungwon had been gagging on. Hoseok's jjajjangmyeon was full of baking powder.

Hoseok sat up from Hyunwoo's bed slowly, face scrunching up in confusion. "That's supposed to be powdered sugar. It makes the stew sweeter. I didn't—"

In a split second, his expression changed from susprised to horrified as realisation dawned on him. Hoseok turned to look behind Kihyun, over to the bed where Hyungwon was still sitting cross-legged with the bowl in his hands, frozen in place since Kihyun's arrival with the chopsticks full of the contaminated jajjangmyeon noodles. For a full, slowly passing second, the two of them just looked at each other.

The second was over and Hoseok pranced. "Wait, don't eat that!"

The speed with which Hoseok jumped off of Hyunwoo's bed, crossed the space between them in the room and climbed onto Hyungwon's bed was extraordinary and completely unexpected. Hyungwon tried to back away like someone would when suddenly attacked as the much stronger idol came down with his legs on either side of Hyungwon's own, hands on either side of his head to stop himself from crashing straight into the younger visual. His face stopped no more than ten centimetres from Hyungwon's before moving back, hands coming down to snatch the bowl from Hyungwon's grip. The suddenness of the whole thing caused a very shocked Hyungwon to drop the chopsticks onto his own chest and stain the grey tank top with black sauce. In truth, the movement hadn't been nearly as fast as Hyungwon thought it was, but to the emotionally compromised visual the whole thing became distorted.

Hoseok gave the by now half-empty bowl of stew a dark look. "What did you eat this for? If you knew that it was bad, why'd you eat so much of it?"

Hyungwon had no clue if what he was experiencing right now had to do with the extreme exhaustion he'd just battled, the weirdness of the past twenty minutes or just pure and utter insanity but he hoped for the first option. Because even though he'd wanted to leave the room just seconds earlier because of Hoseok's closeness with Hyunwoo, even though he felt sick from having eaten the accidentally gross food and his favorite sleeping shirt was now ruined from the dark stain, there was only one thing going through his head right then.

Pull him down, his head screamed at him. Or was it his heart? He couldn't tell. Pull him down and kiss him.

I can't do that!

Do it. He's so close, it's not hard to do. What if his lips are super soft? What if they taste good?

No, no, no. I can't.

Why? He's literally sitting on your lap. He's basically inviting you to. Go on!

No, I can't! Not here! Not when the others are watching!

Hyungwon was startled by his own thoughts. 'The others are watching'? Was that really the only reason he could think of why he should not grab a hold of Hoseok's way too sculpted shoulders and pull him in for a kiss? They were band mates—friends for goodness sake! That was only one of a hundred reasons he should be able to come up with. Friends didn't randomly kiss each other! Not even k-pop idols, trained to take things as close to the edge of homo extravaganza as it could get without making headlines or disturbing the generally traditional public, went around and tried to kiss each other. Especially not when there were no cameras or onlookers around.

This entire monologue and the inner battle that followed played out in the span of a split second. For Hyungwon it felt like an hour, then he blinked once and the moment was over. Hoseok took the chopsticks from off of Hyungwon's chest, used them to grab a small portion of the jjajjangmyeon and stuffed it in his mouth. He spit it back in the bowl just as fast, made a disgusted face and resumed the close-up staring into Hyungwon's wide-blown eyes.

"You didn't have to eat this to make me happy, Hyungwon," he laughed humbly. "You could've said something. I'mma make you something else, something good. You can't eat this stuff."

Hyungwon wasn't given the chance to reply this time either before Hoseok promptly moved away from him and stepped off of the bed, more or less jogging past Kihyun and out of the room with the bowl in his hand.

"We've got to leave for our next schedule in less than ten minutes, Hoseok!" Kihyun called after him through the still open dorm door.

"We've got the time!" Hoseok called back, already back in the kitchen down the hallway.

Kihyun gave an audible sigh and rolled his eyes in amusement. "I'll go make sure he doesn't screw it up this time," he said and vanished out the door as well, leaving only Hyungwon still sitting flush against the wall on his bed and Hyunwoo propped up on his elbows across the room.

Hyunwoo gave his usual blank-minded eyebrows-up-lips-apart look to the space where Kihyun had just been standing, then turned to Hyungwon with a strangely amused smile. "I feel like they're going to burn down the kitchen. Leader-duty calls."

If Hyungwon had been capable of forming words right then, something like a sassy but serious 'what the ' would've probably been fit for his emotional state. Hyunwoo got up, stretched casually and walked out without even the slightest hint that what had just happened was in any way weird. Hyungwon didn't know what to think, no less feel.

He'd just wanted to kiss Hoseok. Straight on the lips. No plastic sheet or rice paper in between. No hands to maintain a distance or ppeppero stick for a game. A plain a simple kiss because he wanted to know what it was like. He couldn't deny that or he'd just be fooling himself.

Okay, so maybe I did want to kiss him. I'm gay, it's not weird for me to want something like that. It's no different from the others finding cute girls among the fans and blushing at them. It means nothing. I'm not jealous of him and Hyunwoo. I'll go and climb all over Jooheon right now, won't matter. There's nothing special about Hoseok that's different from all of them. He's a dear friend and I love him. That's that. Nothing more, nothing less.

So what if I want to kiss him? So what if I blushed because he came too close? So what if I held his hands when he took the bowl from me?

He hadn't even realised until now that he'd done that. He raised his hand up in front of his face and looked at them as if there would be something on them, a residue of the brief, gentle touch of Hoseok's skin. It was there, but not for his eyes to see. It tingled like the caress of a silky fabric, went up his hands and arms and into his body. It set ablaze the area right above his heart, the scalp beneath the roots of his fringe, the left side of his oh-so-sensitive waist. All places where Hoseok's hands had lingered when they had no reason to.

Realisation crept up on him, ever so slowly and agonisingly taunting. He felt it coming and refused it, pushed it away to the darkest corners of his conscousness. He'd deal with it later. Sometime. Non-present tense.

Wrapping himself up in his light cover again he laid down on the bed and grabbed his phone. He went into the company app and checked his and his friends' schedules. Today, tomorrow, next week. Before The Code comeback, the live stages that followed, the fan events. He went as far as the schedule would go, then back again. He checked news articles, read up on homework assignments, practiced some Japanese and English. Anything to keep his mind distracted.

The tingling sensation dissipated, but the fluttering in his heart didn't. The worries about how his uality might affect his idol career were pushed away, but the shape of Hoseok's lips seemed burned onto his retinas.

Things were set in motion that Hyungwon weren't fully aware of and didn't know how to stop. And deep, deep down underneath years of self-trickery and confusion, he knew that he didn't want to stop them, even if it was possible. Not truly. But the question now was not if there was something going on or not...

... but if he was brave enough to accept that there was.