S T U D I O   ( I D O L S   H A V E   F R E E   T I M E ? )

It was a hot and humid summer's day in Gangnam and the heat was overpowering even the most expensive air conditioners. Hyungwon was getting cramps in his shoulders from holding his hand-held electric fan behind his head, trying to get the slightly cooler air to dry the sweating skin underneath his shirt. He had chosen to wear thin, baggy pants and an oversized dress shirt to vocal practice today, thinking that the pastel colours and whispy materials wouldn't be too warm, but he'd been wrong. Instead of providing air and shade, the thin fabric became soaked and stuck to his arms and back. Minhyuk had the right idea—he wore relatively thick and tight clothes for a hot day, but at least it wasn't visible that he was sweating too.

Their song teacher's words to Kihyun, who had just finished a solo performance for his two present members, passed by Hyungwon unnoted. Usually he would listen very intently, taking every tip and lesson to heart, but not today. Today he just wanted the session to end. Today he wanted the rare freedom that was promised to him by the inexplicably empty slot in his schedule for the evening. Private work-out session at six. Meeting with the managers at ten past eight. Language class until quarter to twelve, then vocal practice with Kihyun and Minhyuk at twelve. Practice was three hours, sometimes four, depending. But after that, the next thing on Hyungwon's schedule was make-up and styling at five in preparation for a magazine photo session and interview that would begin around seven. That was at least a whole hour that Hyungwon did not have anything planned at all. He'd asked his manager about it, wondered if there had been some mistake or what he should do to get the most out of the time alone. His manager had said to do whatever he felt like. For an hour? Hyungwon hadn't had that kind of freedom in over a year. Whenever schedules wouldn't come together for all seven of the Monsta X members and someone had to wait, the managers would usually write in something like 'study time' or 'observation', the latter basically meaning that they should follow along on someone else's schedule and observe that person's training. But to do whatever he felt like? Hyungwon was almost offensively excited.

Kihyun's solo evaluation ended and it was Hyungwon's turn to get up. He took Kihyun's place in the centre of the small practice room in front of the teacher, who began to play the background music for Hyungwon's solo song on the electric piano. Hyungwon had sung this song hundreds if not thousands of times, at varying pitches and speeds, with different voice techniques. Today they were practicing high notes and softness. Hyungwon knew what the teacher wanted to hear and he gladly delivered—a slow and beautiful ballad from the early 80s, which challanged the singer with its sudden shifts in tone and extreme range. Hyungwon completed the song one, twice, three times before the teacher got into the details of his evaluation. Minhyuk and Kihyun (mostly Minhyuk) helped in analysing the strengths and weaknesses of Hyungwon's performance and Hyungwon listened well to his friends' opinions. However, he felt like he was distracted. His eyes kept moving to the watch on his wrist and the hands moving ever so slowly over the clockface.

Fortunately, his wandering thoughts did not betray him and he was spared a scolding from his teacher. Hyungwon plopped back down on the floor beside Kihyun and stole back his hand-held fan, holding it close to his face so that it blew his damp, light-brown fringe upwards. Minhyuk had his turn on the make-shift stage, taking his time discussing techniques with his teacher after every finished sing-through. When it was time for the members to evaluate him, Hyungwon participated as best he could. Kihyun did most of the talking, though, but that wasn't very unusual. The minutes turned to hours and, eventually, the teacher ended the session and let her students free.

"So what's next for you guys?" Hyungwon asked the second they were alone in the corridor outside the practice room. "Gotta run or do you have some time over?"

"Time over..." Kihyun said longingly, ending with a small snort. "I've got evaluations in twenty minutes back at the company. Then I'm pretty sure they're going to squeeze in a meeting with the dietist before make-up later."

"Why would you have to see the dietist?" Minhyuk commented with a worried frown. "Have you gained weight?"

"No, lost some," Kihyun said matter-of-factly. "I'm not supposed to, gotta build a lot more muscle before we start preparing for comeback again."

"Well, it's the same for me," Minhyuk sighed with a half-hearted smile. "I have extra dance practice in.. yeah, fifteen minutes. Then I gotta get rid of these black roots so I'll be in styling an hour before the rest of the members get there."

"Is it because of the Mnet Stage?" Hyungwon wondered carefully. "Did you get extra practice because you made a mistake?"

"Basically," Minhyuk replied with a shrug. "They say that I'm not confident enough in the refrains and have to practice my footwork. For some reason I just can't get it right. I love the Shine Forever choreo, I just want to do it as well as the rest of you."

"We make mistakes, too, the managers just haven't noticed as much," Kihyun said in an attempt to comfort his younger. "How about you, Hyungwon? You got free time now?"

Hyungwon didn't know what to answer to that—he could hardly believe it himself. "Yeah, I guess so. Managers told me to do whatever I felt like. What's that supposed to mean?"

"You have two hours of free time and you can't think of one good thing to do?" Minhyuk laughed in disbelief as he got up from the floor and headed for the door, promting s to do the same. The three of them took the stairs instead of the elevator down to ground level, then put on sunglasses and masks before heading outside into the hot sunlight. "I keep a list of things I want to do in case I ever get the time to do them."

"I envy you," Kihyun sighed with a friendly smile. "I'd go to see my parents. Maybe go to the dorm and get some sleep or a nice bath."

"I can't go all the way to Gwangju in two hours and I'm not sleepy."

"Well, you better figure something good out, or else you'll have wasted two perfect hours," Minhyuk commented with a playful grin as he began heading for the company car that was waiting for him on the curb. "No pressure!"

"Gotta run too," Kihyun said as he followed Minhyuk backwards, then his heel and joined his same-aged friend in the car. "See you tonight, Won!"

The door to the car had already closed and the driver turning back out on the road when Hyungwon raised his hand to wave his friends off. "See you tonight," he said out loud although neither Minhyuk or Kihyun would be able to hear him.

Now, what do I do? Hyungwon realised that he was standing in the middle of the sidewalk on a busy Gangnam street. The mintues were ticking by, now a lot faster than they'd done during vocal practice. Should I go shop for clothes? Maybe buy some gifts for the members? Jooheon's birthday is next, but that's months from now. Should I just walk around until I come up with something or will I be wasting the time away for no reason? And why am I stressing about this when right now I have no reason to be stressed?

In the end, Hyungwon decided to simply walk down the street he was on until he found someplace good to check out. On the way he bought himself a bottle of water and a nice cup of ice tea to sip on. He wished that he could stay indoor at the café, but in the time it had taken to get his drink ready he had been approached by four excited Monbebes who had asked for pictures and autographs, one being the barista herself. Hyungwon loved his fans to death, would do anything for them at any time, but he didn't want to stir up a fuss. At the moment he just wanted to be alone. But being alone also felt very weird. He was almost never alone, always practicing or studying with at least one or two of the other members. Most oftenly that was the other vocalists. He was almost never alone with just Jooheon or Changkyun for pre-determined schedules, the rappers having duo practices on their own while the vocalists stuck together outside of actual group activities.

Hyungwon realised that not even that had been true for the past few days. Today, both Hyunwoo and Hoseok had been missing from vocal practice because of their own schedules, but Hyunwoo had been on every other practice with them all week. However, Hoseok had not been there yesterday or the day before that. He'd joined them for dance practice and they'd seen each other at the dorm every night, but apart from that he'd been very absent. Hyungwon knew that Hoseok was very busy with weight training and other activities that involved his body, but he was a vocalist just as much as the rest of them. Hyungwon found himself wishing that Hoseok would join them for song/choreo practice tomorrow morning—at least that way they'd get to see each other for a while.

As if only realising right then that he had the opportunity to do whatever he wanted, Hyungwon picked up his phone and sent a quick text to Hoseok, asking where he was and what he was doing. As he walked down the sunny street with the straw of his ice tea between his teeth, waiting for a reply, he waved at the camera of a passing international Monbebe and checked his reflection in the window of a store. A few mintues later, his phone vibrated and he took it up to look at the text.

WONHO
Sorry, Hyungie, I'm busy. Can't talk right now.

Hyungwon gave the screen a disappointed frown, sad that his friend seemed stressed out, then took another drawn-out sip of his diminishing ice tea. But before he could even begin to compose a comforting reply to his Hyung, a second text dropped in.

WONHO
Actually, I take that back. I'm at the studio,
come join me. I have something to show
you. Do you have time?

Hell yeah, I do, Hyungwon cheered inwardly, feeling a smile creep onto his face as he typed a hasty reply to the mysterious invitation. Having expected that Hoseok wouldn't have time to spend with him during a schedule, Hyungwon was very happy to have something to do now. He couldn't but be glad either that it was Hoseok who had invited him over, as opposed to it being the other way around. That meant that Hoseok wanted to see him even though he was so very busy.

Hyungwon hailed the first free cab he could find and directed the driver to the northern parts of Gangnam, to the area where many Starship idols, including Changkyun, Jooheon and Hoseok, had their private studios. The drive was fast as it wasn't far and rush hour traffic hadn't begun just yet. Hyungwon paid the fare and thanked the driver before exiting into the sidewalk in front of the large, glass-faced building that housed the Starship studios. A security guard was stationed outside the lobby doors and Hyungwon greeted him with a polite bow of his head before pulling out his access card and swiping it at the door. He did the same to call the elevator at the far end of the lobby, enjoying the chilly air that filled the well-conditioned building as he waited for the elevator to come, then pressed the button marked '11', where Hoseok's studio was. The doors opened up to a grey and blue corridor with simplistic but modern decorations that Hyungwon walked through to get to the second to last door on the right.

There was no music coming through the thick door, but that didn't mean that Hoseok wasn't recording at the moment. Hyungwon knocked lightly at first, then a little harder, until suddenly the door opened and Hoseok stood there, smiling brightly and happily.

"Hey, Hyungie, come in!" he greeted Hyungwon with a brief hug, then ushered for the younger to step into the studio. Hyungwon took a short moment to just smile at the feel of Hoseok's muscled arms squeezing his shoulders, then followed his Hyung inside and closed the door behind him. "You don't have a schedule right now?"

"No, I'm free until make-up," Hyungwon answered as he was lead into the smaller, secondary room of the already very small studio.

The room was dressed in black foam and dimly lit, making for a sharp constrast against the sunny world outside the building. Hyungwon blinked several times to get used to the darkness, then several times again before he could look at the three brightly shining computer screens at the desk. A music program was up on two of the screens, then a word editor on the third. Hoseok sat down in his chair and pulled himself back up against the desk with flexing arms, then patted the footstool next to him for Hyungwon to sit on. Hyungwon wasn't late to notice that Hoseok seemed weirdly excited and remembered that the older had asked him there to show him something. But before Hyungwon could read what was on the third screen, Hoseok closed down the program, revealing instead only his wallpaper which was a group selca with the entire Monsta X.

"You seem happy," Hyungwon commented with a warm, curious smile. "What is it that you wanted to show me?"

"I've been working on a new song," Hoseok explained very passionately. "It's the first time I've written something like this and I'm not even close to finished. I wasn't sure I wanted to show it to you before it was done but now that you're here I might as well show you what I have so far."

Hyungwon gave a quiet snicker—he liked seeing Hoseok this excited because it was quite rare when there were no cameras around. He waited patiently as Hoseok did some adjustments to the song project, then saved it and closed it down before Hyungwon could get a good look at it. From what he managed to catch, the song looked rather simple, but that could just be because it wasn't all done yet. To Hyungwon's surprise, however, instead of playing some backtrack or an already recorded version of the demo, Hoseok turned around in his chair and snatched an acoustic guitar from its stand against the wall, propping it up in his lap and fine-tuning it with expertise. Hyungwon watched with growing curiosity as Hoseok's platina lengths waved in front of his downturned face, listening to every string of the guitar until it was perfect. When he was happy with the sound, Hoseok played a few chords to practice before looking up at his younger friend again.

"Don't judge it too hard, okay? Like I said, it needs a lot more work before it's done, but I hope that you'll love it."

I'm certain that I will, Hyungwon told himself as he gestured for Hoseok to begin playing. A series of effortless notes were created by Hoseok's graceful fingers as he strummed the intro. It had a very expressive simplicity to it, telling a story even before he started singing because of the passionate way Hosoek was playing. Hyungwon watched and listened, intrigued by how lost to the music Hoseok was—as if he was hearing something far different than what the guitar alone was able to recreate. Hyungwon tried to hear what lay behind the simple tones, but it was difficult when he had no idea what it was supposed to sound like.

Then Hoseok started singing.

I know I lacked a lot
And that I couldn’t say I’m sorry
I took you
For granted
Slowly, I was deceived by time

We can’t erase everything
We can’t forget everything
But if we can’t turn things back
I want to start from today
Believe in me once more

Let’s write our story from zero
I want to know everything about you all over again
Even if it’s really hard, from zero
I want to hold you in my arms again
From zero, from zero
I’m turning back the clock
Like the first time

Come back to me
From zero, zero, zero, zero
Come back to me
From zero, zero, zero, zero

Hoseok continued to strum beautiful chords, topped with the melody from the intro, but he didn't continue singing. When the music finally stopped and silence resumed, Hyungwon became shyly aware that he was smiling like an idiot.

"So... what do you think?" Hoseok asked excitedly. "I haven't written the second verse yet and it needs a bridge. I might tweek a little with the lyrics in the beginning too, but so far, is it good enough? Do you like it?"

Hoseok was hardly giving Hyungwon the time to speak, that's how much and fast he was talking. It amused Hyungwon very much that Hoseok seemed so proud of his creation, and rightly so, too. Once Hyungwon could regain some control of his tense facial muscles, he leaned forward on the footstool and gave a genuinely impressed sigh.

"It's amazing. It's really, really beautiful. Is it called 'Zero'?"

"'From Zero', actually," Hoseok snickered. "I've been working on it for a while now. Once I've written the rest of it I'm going to pitch it to Starship. They've asked me to try and write something ballad-esque for The Code from a while now, but I haven't found the inspiration to do anything. Then things happened and this song just kind of came to me. I wrote most of what you just heard yesterday."

"You weren't at vocal practice yesterday," Hyungwon commented with some realisation.

"No," Hoseok replied with a sheepish smile. "Sorry about that. I told manager-nim that I had come up with a song and he gave me permission to skip out on practice. I guess they really want another song for the album."

"So what was your inspiration?"

Hoseok opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it again. For a split second—what felt like minutes to Hyungwon—the older just stared into Hyungwon's eyes before giving a sudden, simple laugh and looking down onto the guitar in his arms. "I don't know. Monbebes, our members, you. Everything together, I guess."

"Well, I love it," Hyungwon declared. "I really hope it makes it onto the album. I'd love to perform that on stage, it's so calm and beautiful."

"You just don't want a difficult choreo," Hoseok snickered teasingly.

Hyungwon looked away with a blush as he laughed as well. "Exactly."

"Ey, by the way, did you have time to stay? Or were you going somewhere?" Hoseok asked suddenly, aura turning back to that almost childlike excitement from before.

Hyungwon glanced down at his wristwatch, then shook his head. "No, it's over an hour before we need to move for the next schedule."

"Because I was thinking, do you want to try and record the chorus? I think it fits your voice really well and I want to hear what it sounds like when you do it."

Hyungwon felt a rush of warmth in his chest, like a mix of pride and happiness, but his mind was confused. "Kihyun-hyung usually sings the chorus. Or you. Do you think the company will like it if I do it instead of one of the others?"

"It's my song, I decide to sings what," Hoseok retorted confidently, leaning back on the chair and putting the guitar back down on its stand. "At least for the demo. And just because we usually get the refrains doesn't mean that it always has to be us. I think it's about time our Hyungwonie gets another one too, don't you?"

Again, Hyungwon felt a slight blush rise on his cheeks. He wasn't sure if it was the praise or that the room was getting warm, but he felt ashamed of the colour on his cheeks. It didn't stop him from smiling like an idiot, though. "I guess so."

"Awesome!" Hoseok said with a proud smile and clap of his hands, humorously ending the conversation right there. "Then let's get to recording."

Kicking out with his feet on the floor, Hoseok spun his chair back around and jumped out of it, walking over to the mic that was placed conveniently right behind where Hyungwon was sitting. Hyungwon stood up as well and waited patiently for Hoseok to adjust the equipment, plugging it in correctly, testing the sound and even changing the height of the mic to accomodate Hyungwon's taller figure. All the while, Hyungwon was tingling with unexplained happiness. There was a fun kind of randomness to the whole situation that Hyungwon wasn't used to, and he loved it—getting free time from his managers, being invited over to Hoseok's studio although he didn't expect to be, then suddenly he was going to record for a demo that might end up on their next album. Usually, everything that happened in their lives was carefully planned long in advance. To just take things as they came up like this was strange and extremely refreshing.

As he stood behind the mic, singing random lines from their old albums to allow Hoseok to test the volume, Hyungwon realised that he could not think of a better way to spend his two free hours. Yes, he could've enjoyed the rare opportunity to be entirely alone and lazy or he could've done something useful like getting some extra practice on their old choreographies or something. But being alone with Hoseok like this, it was nice. Not that Hyungwon didn't love all of s to death—he'd never grow tired of any of them—but there was just something about getting to be all alone with Hoseok that made Hyungwon feel relaxed. Hoseok came up to stand next to him, stretching his whole body to comfortably reach the microphone on Hyungwon's level. They sang the song over and over together, shoulder to shoulder, faces close as they shared the same microphone. For twenty minutes they practiced until Hyungwon could do it on his own as perfectly as Hoseok had done it.

No members, no cameras, no managers or directors, no fans or crowds. Nobody—just them. Them and a microphone and a beautiful new song. Hyungwon loved this. He hadn't felt this free in a long time, and not just because of the unscheduled hours, but because of the situation. Because being with Hoseok was so effortless. There were no demands for conversation or distraction. He wasn't overly loud or excessively talkative. He wasn't quiet either, just uncomplicated. Hyungwon had always thought that, ever since they first met as trainees so many years ago. But under these circumstances, it became even more clear.

"Ready to go?" Hoseok asked his younger from his position by the computer.

Hyungwon hadn't realised that he'd been staring at the profile of Hoseok's sculpted face the entire time until now that their eyes met. With a mental slap to his own face to set his thoughts straight, Hyungwon smiled and nodded confidently. "Ready."

The acoustic backtrack began with a press of a button. Hyungwon sang as passionately as he could, mimicking the emotion that Hoseok had put into the lyrics before but playing with the words in his own way as well. All the while, he was looking at his older friend. The shape of his shirt sleeves as they fell on the grooves between his swollen muscles. The sharp, illuminated outline of his nose and lips when he looked at the computer screen. The deep, space black darkness of his eyes when they looked at each other. The thin line of white between his lips when he smiled, allowing perfect teeth to peek through. The warm, rumbling laughter.

Hyungwon found himself making mistakes on purpose just to keep recording. Hoseok didn't seem to mind. The room got warmer but there were no windows, so Hoseok stole Hyungwon's hand-held fan and played around with it, blowing it over himself and his younger. They recorded the chorus, the verse, even a part of a bridge that Hoseok hadn't revealed when he first sung the song. They did serious takes and absolutely catastrophic ones, laughing soulfully all the while. Before either of them knew it, Hyungwon's two hours of free time had run out.

"We better start heading down," Hoseok said finally, already beginning to close down the project now containing dozens of recorded versions of the song. "Car will be here in about five minutes, they've already picked up the maknaes from the dorm and the rest from the company."

"Minhyuk's already in make-up," Hyungwon added matter-of-factly, then stopped for a moment. "I don't want to go. I want to continue recording."

With a bittersweet smile, Hoseok stood up from his chair, reached out an arm around Hyungwon and patted him on the lower back. He then headed for the door with his hand still framing Hyungwon's middle, allowing his fingers to drag across Hyungwon's back lightly and around to trace the narrow of his waist. It wasn't an unusual touch, not even close. Much more intimate things had been done on live stages and during y choreographies, but for some reason the gesture sent electric jolts through Hyungwon's body. When Hoseok turned his back and moved to leave the studio, Hyungwon took several seconds to even move a muscle. He wasn't even sure why, but the touch of Hoseok's fingers through his thin shirt lingered on his skin. It scrambled his thoughts for a moment and glued his feet to the ground.

Stop it, Hyungwon. He's your friend. He's a member of your group. You may be gay but not for him.

Even thinking the word—a forbidden word in every aspect of Hyungwon's idol life—felt like commiting a crime against his company. It wasn't often that Hyungwon even touched the subject mentally. It was a fact that he'd been unable to erase and because of it he'd been forced to just accept it and work around it. So far, the instances where his ual deviancy had interfered with his idol life were thankfully very few. He was a professional. He knew how to act—act as if he wasn't constantly worried that someone would tell on him every time his eyes lingered too long on a man's handsome face, act as if fanservice with s didn't actually excite him, act as if he didn't hate having to hide parts of himself that felt more natural than anything else. As if he was someone else.

But these problems had never affected him when it came to s. Yes, kissing through plastic sheets and the occasional grinding dance move were all very painfully reminding of the things he would never be allowed to have, but he could live with that. He'd never actually had feelings for any of s. At most, he found them very physically attractive—especially Hoseok—but he wasn't crushing on any of them. He most definately wasn't crushing on Hoseok.

All of these thoughts came and went in Hyungwon's head over the span of a full second before he managed to regain his senses and follow Hoseok through the door. immediately, his mind was set on the next thing on the agenda, as always, and he pushed everything else aside. His two hours of free time were over. His fun alone time with Hoseok, being able to just be and not have any demands or rules to follow, was over. Now he was Monsta X's Hyungwon again, and Hyungwon had an interview to get through. Chae Hyungwon was not gay. Chae Hyungwon was definitely not gay for Shin Hoseok.

So why, through the door, down the elevator, into the car, across the city, into the make-up chair, back into the car, onto the photoshoot set, into the interview chair, back in the car again and all the way into bed at the dorm did the light touch of Hoseok's fingers still tingle the skin on Hyungwon's waist? Why, through the entire evening and well into the waking hours of night, could Hyungwon not stop thinking about the fact that he could probably paint the outline of Hoseok's profile blindfolded because he remembered it so well?

Why did he suddenly feel like this? And why did it feel like it had always felt like this?