8:04am. It had been awhile since Jeonghan had woken up so early in the morning. He groaned as he reached over and checked the time on his phone. Half asleep, he inattentively brushed his hair backwards. Coffee. Perhaps Just the smell of coffee beans could clear up his foggy head.

He headed towards the bathroom to brush his teeth. Since it was so early and they didn't have any performance schedule planned for today, nobody was there to yell at him to be quick for a change. He splashed a handful of water onto his face and looked up. The dark circles under his eyes were surely worsening. Even the stylists were complaining how they had to use three extra layers of concealer to cover his tiredness, and advised him to fix his sleeping schedule asap. He sighed, put on his glasses, and opened the door.

Coming out from the bathroom, Jeonghan was justifiably surprised when he saw Seungcheol sitting by the kitchen counter. He was fully dressed and eating a bowl of cereal, eyes fully fixated on the flat screen television across the room. 

"Sorry, is the TV too loud?" Seungcheol asked, already reaching for the remote.

"It's alright, I woke up naturally," Jeonghan reassured him. "Why are you here?"

"What, you don't want me here?".

"You know that's not what I mean." Jeonghan suppressed his urge to roll his eyes.

"Seungkwan's hogging the TV downstairs and wouldn't come back up. His favorite volleyball team is on." Seungcheol promptly explained, swallowed the rest of the content in his bowl and went over to the sink. Jeonghan noticed that he didn't once look up from the ground as he passed him quickly, and started to scrub the bowl with utmost concentration.

"Seungcheol."

"Hm?"

"We're cool, right?'

Seungcheol finally turned and gave him a look of bewilderment. "Of course we are. Why?"

"Because," Jeonghan started, his throat was extra dry and words were becoming hard to come out. "You didn't really talk to me these few days."

It was not only these 'few days', if he had been honest. In his heart there was a growing fear accompanying by their growing distance that the two seperate dorms were also separating them. When they used to be roommates they had quite literally spent everyday together without exceptions. Now they were more like colleagues, Jeonghan thought melancholically. Well, they technically were, but things shouldn't be like this.

Things should be like when they were at the ski resort. Without a care. Without any watchful eyes.

"Well, you seem really tired from the schedule, so I don't want to disturb you." Seungcheol started to dry the bowl with a piece of cloth, still stubbornly refusing to face Jeonghan directly. "And - you didn't talk to me, too."

"I did!"

"No, you didn't."

"I literally called you last night to buy me coffee."

"Yeah, and you came to pick it up and went back to your room right after," Seungcheol argued. The bowl in his hands could not had been more sparkling clean, yet he was still vigorously drying it with the towel. Jeonghan was afraid that his grip might accidentally break the glass.

"That's because you were playing games with Wonwoo and I didn't want to interrupt!" Jeonghan tried his best to stop getting too worked up first thing in the morning. The last thing he wanted to do was to start an argument, especially with Seungcheol. They were in this mess together, after all.

"Good morning?"

Chan dragged his slippers across the floor as he made his way through the hallway, looking half-asleep. He glanced up and saw Seungcheol and Jeonghan, both in their pajamas, with stances that looked like they were about to duel. And one glance was all it took for him to understand the situation, "Um. I'll leave you guys alone. Sorry for intruding."

He quickly poured a glass of water for himself and retreated back into the flat. And Jeonghan was just about ready to jump off the building.

"I'll talk to you later," he told Seungcheol, and slammed his door shut.

 

***

 

Sometimes Jeonghan wondered himself what those ambiguous gestures meant. Sometimes he would even ponder hours about it at night. Of course he wasn't about to discuss it without anyone, nor he would ever even tell anyone about it. He buried these thoughts in his mind, so deep in hopes that one day even he would forget about all the conflicts he had regarding Choi Seungcheol.

He had seen the videos and pictures fans took of them. He could definitely see why people spend hours trying to prove that there was something more than friendship between them. He remembered bits of pieces of Seungcheol looking at him on stage over layers of Photoshop and filters, of what seemed like romantic affection in his eyes. Had he ever looked at him that way backstage? Or when the cameras was off? He could not recall for some reason. Maybe he had grown so adapt of every second of his life being documented on some kind of recording device that he stopped keeping track of important things around him. All the spotlights and fireworks had blinded him somehow. Eventually, he would stop noticing all together.

And this thought alone scared him.

It had at least months since he got to take a walk in the Hangang Park alone. With a mask and cap he was confident that nobody would recognize him. Even if they did, his aloof demeanor should keep them from approaching him. Seungcheol was already gone when he went out of his room again; he only dared to when he heard the TV being switched off. Junhui had asked him when he was coming back, and if he was coming back for lunch. Jeonghan forgot what he replied as he muttered beneath the shield formed by his scarf.

"I figured you would be here."

Jeonghan didn't even bother to turn around to see who was talking to him. Nor did he bother to ask Seungcheol how he knew he was there. This had always been his favorite spot to rest when talking walks ever since his trainee days. Especially at dusk, because the sun always set right between the bridge and he thought it was beautiful. He felt Seungcheol sitting on the grass beside him, hands placing on either side of his waist.

"What are you doing here?" Jeonghan asked him.

"You said we would talk later, didn't you?" Seungcheol said casually, sipping coffee from his thermos. "So here I am."

It wasn't like they had a fight. It would have probably turn into a fight if Jeonghan didn't put a stop to it before Seungcheol raised his voice even more. It wouldn't be the first time they had argued and it wouldn't be the last time, either. At this point they were used to fast make-ups to avoid the awkwardness when they had to have meals together with other members. Since a long time ago they knew that as the two eldest members they had the responsibility to keep the solidarity among the group, and resolve disagreements under the table. Jeonghan shrugged and looked back at the never changing scenery facing the river.

"So talk," he told Seungcheol.

"I'm sorry, for just now."

Jeonghan felt a pang of guilt in his heart. And it kind of hurt. He was the one who had made the situation worse instead of admitting that he had, in fact, been avoiding Seungcheol as much as possible for the past week.

"I'm sorry, too," he said, almost inaudibly.

Seungcheol didn't response and took another sip from the thermos, but Jeonghan knew that he never held grudges.

"Hey, aren't you wearing my jacket?" Seungcheol suddenly said, pointing at the familiar design on Jeonghan.

"Dunno, it ended up in my room so i took it."

"Damn. Maybe we should start a name tag system from now on," Seungcheol sighed. "Mingyu was just complaining about everyone dumping their clothes in one pile and how insanitary it is."

Upon hearing Seungcheol's words, Jeonghan laughed. He felt like he hadn't laughed genuinely for a long time without someone telling him to smile and pose at a camera lense or phone. It was relieving in a way.

"You're not wearing enough clothes, Jeonghan, it's three degrees right now."

"I'm fine."

"I don't want you to get sick again," Seungcheol said, this time looking at Jeonghan.

Could that be the same expression that fans captured in their cameras?

He couldn't say for sure. He hadn't looked at those pictures in a long time.

"You know, before our Japan tour" he continued. "I swear, Japanese fans love you to death."

"Huh, is that so?" Jeonghan said bitterly.

"Yeah, I know our merchandise stats."

"Do you actually keep track of merch stats?"

"Of course I do," Seungcheol said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I'm the leader."

And he was a good one. Jeonghan had to give that to him, too. He was as caring as he had to be strict at times. He loved everyone like family, and everyone did him. All the concerns he showed were for the best of not only the person in question, but also the whole group. Perhaps in other photos not involving Jeonghan, Seungcheol's eyes would also be filled with the same doting affection and towards another member.

He was just not in the mood of searching up those pictures right now.

"Give me your thermos."

"Wow. Not even a 'please'?"

"You know how I am."

Seungcheol chuckled but handed Jeonghan his thermos. Jeonghan downed the rest of the coffee and sighed.

Nope, not even coffee could help him figure this out this time around.