"Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!"

Taehyung groaned into Fuji's fur when the countdown was over, closing his eyes. He had him and Raf in his arms, with Acros and Chrome elsewhere on him - Acros in the hood of his shirt and Chrome perched on his shoulder. He had hoped, just like every year, that he wouldn't spend the New Year on his own, but... well, this had happened. And yes, it was absolutely his fault, but he was a coward and he knew it, unable to just stay there and handle his problems like a grown man. He still had no idea why he had reacted this badly. Hoseok seemed like a nice guy, a friendly one, so why...?

He went to bed a few minutes past midnight after having put his rats back in their cage, wishing them a good night. In bed, he couldn't help but wish he weren't there, but rather in Jungkook's apartment, maybe squeezed on a thin and narrow mattress with someone else - preferably Jungkook and Jimin... no, actually, preferably just Jungkook - after having wished everyone the best for the upcoming year. But he wasn't there, and Jungkook wasn't with him, and Taehyung squeezed the life out of his pillow as he tried to keep the tears in. He just wished he had someone else with him.

His phone had stopped buzzing a little while ago, and he supposed that whoever that was had figured he might be sleeping by now. He wasn't, but the thought still cheered him up a little. He was too tired and emotionally ed up to deal with messages though, so he stayed away from his phone for now. He'd deal with them the day after.

And he did exactly that upon waking up, going through the messages. A few from Jimin, and a lot - a lot - more from Jungkook. He didn't dare look at the ones Jungkook had sent. There was probably disappointment that Taehyung had ruined the evening, and Taehyung couldn't bear to know for sure if he had made Jungkook sad. Then again, Jungkook was so kind and sweet, maybe he was worrying about Taehyung? Taehyung hoped. That was all he could do except check the text messages out, and he was too scared to do that, so he took a look at what Jimin had sent him instead.

"hey Tae you okay? you looked terrible as you headed out? did we do something wrong? :("
"do you wanna talk? I'm there if you wanna talk, so just let me know okay? :("
And a few minutes after those first two messages: "was it because of Hoseok? the way he was super close to Kook and stuff. :( I know you're uneasy with other people getting close to him?"
"call me if you need in the morning, I'll head home at around ten, I didn't plan on staying there super late, so okay? happy new year buddy!"

Taehyung breathed out a sigh of relief. Jimin was mom-ing him as usual, which was really doing wonders on his stress right now. Not that he didn't usually liked it - he did - but it was even more appreciated in that situation. He took a look at the time. Good, good. Eleven. He had... actually slept longer than he had thought he did. He wasn't sure whether that was good or not, considering that it mostly meant that he was even more emotionally exhausted than he had thought before going to bed, but the good thing was that Jimin was probably home right now instead of being with the other guys.

"Are you home right now?" he ended up texting Jimin first, going to the living room to sit on his couch with Acros on his lap. Sure, Jimin could lie to him, but Taehyung trusted him, damn it. He knew his friend wasn't the type to lie. And he quickly got a reply, smiling when he saw the cute picture Jimin had sent him. It was him, in his own apartment, with text written on the photo. "yup!" it just said.

"Hey, you made us worry yesterday," Jimin said first thing when Taehyung finally called him. His voice was very gentle, like he was afraid he'd spook Taehyung out if he spoke too loud, and make him hang up or something. Either way, Taehyung did like this tone. It meant that Jimin cared. He always used that tone when he wanted to show Taehyung that he cared.
"Sorry." Lame. But he couldn't find anything better. "I just... didn't feel well."
"I can understand that."

Taehyung could hear in Jimin's tone that he knew there was more. He still appreciated him not pushing him immediately. "How was the champagne?"
"Super amazing! You really chose a good one. I kept the empty bottle to remind me to get one of those for other big celebrations. Jungkook didn't drink much though."
Ah. There it was. No pushing, but Jimin did want to know what had happened, and he obviously had a hunch that it was about Jungkook. "That's... was he okay? I didn't mean to... you know. Sorry I ruined the party."
"Don't worry about it. Jungkook was very bummed about it, and he sent you something like fifty messages, but he didn't mope all night. He figured you'd feel guilty if he didn't take the time to enjoy the party because of what happened. He knows you very well."
Indeed he did. Taehyung did feel a little better knowing he hadn't just destroyed the mood entirely. "That's... good. I'm glad. He does know me."
"He was mostly wondering if you were okay. And worrying about you. We were all worrying about you, actually, especially since you didn't reply. Jungkook said that you get quiet when you're sad about something. I think he's right."

Jungkook had noticed. And it made sense. Taehyung had gotten quiet during the conversation because he was sad that he had a probably very socially unacceptable opinion, and Jungkook had noticed that. No wonders he had figured it out even with the text messages.

"I'm just... I feel terrible that I ruined the party. I shouldn't have left so abruptly. And I shouldn't have reacted the way I did to begin with."
"It happened when Hoseok was about to kiss Jungkook's cheek."
Of course everyone had noticed that specific part. Yeah. He had reacted that way when that had happened... "Yeah. It... did."
"Were you jealous?"

Jealous. Jealous. Of Hoseok? For doing this to Jungkook? Taehyung closed his eyes with a groan. Jealous. "Jimin, why would I-"
"I'm just going with what I know, Tae. How would you have reacted if Hoseok had chosen me as his cheek-kissing victim?"
"..."

Taehyung reopened his eyes with a groan, frowning at nothing, glaring at the wall like it was its fault. Okay. Fine. Maybe he wouldn't have reacted like that. Actually, he very probably wouldn't have reacted like that. Scratch that, he definitely wouldn't have reacted like that. But that meant nothing! It meant... nothing. Right? Did it mean anything? Could it mean anything?

"Let's say that you're right and I'm indeed jealous. What then? Jungkook probably doesn't see me that way and will never see me that way."
"Tae, you know I love you and all, but man, you're blinding yourself voluntarily. The first step to everything will be to examine your feelings more deeply. On your own. Let me know once you have the answer."

Jimin then hung up, leaving Taehyung speechless as he stared at his now eerily quiet phone. What the heck? What was he supposed to do now? How was he supposed to examine his feelings? Taehyung officially at being socially functional, so he had no idea how to figure himself out at the moment. Was he supposed to reflect on life? Go back to everything he had done and everything he had felt towards Jungkook? Because apparently that was what Jimin was trying to make him do. Or at least hoped he'd do. Which Taehyung wasn't sure would help him at all.

"Damn it, Jimin. You know I don't know what to do! y friend."

He didn't mean the last part at all, obviously. Jimin was an amazing friend. Like, one of the absolute bestest friends he could have ever hoped to get! So good in fact that Taehyung hadn't even imagined there could be friends like Jimin out there, and he had given up hope before all this had happened. But that was the thing. A good friend knew when to do things like that, and Jimin was awesome as a friend, and he knew that he had to leave Taehyung on his own for this self-reflection. And he believed in Taehyung! Apparently. For some reason that Taehyung couldn't quite figure out. So Taehyung would inspect his feelings more closely, because Jimin thought he could do it, and Taehyung didn't want to disappoint him.

Right now, not disappointing Jimin involved Taehyung sitting back and closing his eyes with a big sigh, his fingers gently the soft fur of Acros' back. He had to do this. He wasn't very sure how to figure out his true feelings, but maybe he could start by checking if Jimin's words were right, because for all he knew, Jimin probably was right - he almost always was, especially when it came to Taehyung. Jimin knew him more than he knew himself by now, so. He probably had reasons to believe that Taehyung had feelings for Jungkook, at least enough that he'd get jealous.

Okay. What did he think about Jungkook? How did he feel about him? Jungkook was... well. Very nice. Extremely sweet. Very kind. Super cute. He had the most beautiful smile and the cutest nose crinkle when he was really happy. His voice was soft, and he always made extra sure that Taehyung always felt at ease. His posture was proud, but sometimes he also slouched just a little, just enough that it made him smaller than Taehyung - they were usually the same size - and it made him look very non-threatening. He acted a little like Taehyung was easy to scare away, which he was, and so he made sure not to make him feel bad in any way. Jimin made sure of that too, but it wasn't... it wasn't the same. But he did the same things, except maybe the slouching because he was already smaller than Taehyung, so... why was it different?

The answer was so obvious. In the way that Taehyung had woken up longing for Jungkook's presence. In the way he had woken up wishing he had stayed so he could have gotten crammed out of necessity on the same mattress as Jungkook, in that tiny apartment. And then Taehyung would have been able to wake up to Jungkook's smile. He would have seen Jungkook's undone hair, ruffled from sleep. And Jungkook would have looked so cute. And then they would-

No. Nothing would have happened after that, because they wouldn't have been alone and because Jungkook didn't feel that way towards him. Which, now that he spent a moment to really let it sink, hurt. He... wanted to hug Jungkook. He wanted to snuggle under a blanket with him. He wanted Jungkook to whisper in his ear that everything would be all right, that there was nothing wrong with him, that he was a good person and that Jungkook would stay by his side. Taehyung... definitely had feelings for Jungkook. Of the "holy I'm in love with him" variety. He craved Jungkook's presence. He craved his smile, his little touches, his voice. He craved the way Jungkook would say his name, softly, gently, like he didn't want to spook Taehyung.

And now... now what? Jungkook was way too good for Taehyung. Every relationship Taehyung had been into before had ended in a terrible, painful way. He still didn't trust his current one with Jungkook to even last, much less progress.

But he'd still at least tell Jimin. They'd see each other on January 3rd, at work. Maybe Jimin could give him some advice or something like that. How to deal with those dumb feelings. Sure, Taehyung had a boyfriend before, but it hadn't been the same. It had been infatuation, and lust, and the need to finally have someone notice him in that way. It had been made of lies. Lies to each other, lies to himself. This time, it was very different. Jungkook knew who Taehyung was. He knew he had weird opinions sometimes. And he hadn't run away from any of them, always confronting Taehyung about them, but in a way that made him feel like he was valid, like he had the right to feel the way he did. And that counted for so, so much. His existence wasn't entirely a mistake, and knowing that felt good.

The day after showed up too quickly. Work showed up too quickly. But Taehyung went anyway, and sat in the employees' room, having arrived early, as usual. He hadn't even looked at Jungkook's messages. He was too scared of what he'd find there. When Jimin joined him, Taehyung froze, at least until Jimin had taken his coat and boots off, and sat to smile quietly at Taehyung. He looked so serene that it calmed Taehyung down.

"You look like you have your answer," Jimin said in a gentle voice. "You don't need to tell me, if you don't want to. Just know that I'll be there to support you, no matter what, okay?"
"Jimin..."
"You're my best friend, Tae. That has to count for something."
"I... I think I'm in love with him. Or do I just have a crush? I don't know how that works..."
"Well, I don't think it's just a crush. Not with how you reacted."
"Does he even like guys? I don't think- we never really talked about that. . He said- oh my god. Jimin. They were teasing him about having a crush. Saying he had one. Oh no."

Jimin's hand on his arm prevented him from fully freaking out. But mentally, he was pretty much gone. Jungkook had a crush on someone. And there was no way it was him. Because why would Jungkook like him that way? Taehyung had no redeeming quality that would make him boyfriend-worthy. . Boyfriend! He wanted that so badly. It wouldn't happen, couldn't, there was no way, and-

"Taehyung. Chillax. Stop freaking out. Deep breaths. Come on, follow my lead. In... out. Do it again. In... out."

It took a few minutes, but Taehyung somehow managed to calm down. He still felt like someone was pulling his heart out of his chest at the thought that someone else only had to ask Jungkook to date them and he'd say yes. By the time he was calm enough to pass for a normal human being, they had to actually start opening up the store, and by the time he was back to being mostly calm, something happened that made his heart stop beating.

"Hello, how can I help- oh."
"Hey, Tae."

Jungkook. Jungkook was in the store, and Jungkook was wearing the fluffiest coat ever, and Jungkook was smiling, and Jungkook looked amazing, and- and Jungkook WAS WEARING MAKEUP? Taehyung could almost feel his brain kicking at his heart to force it to reboot and get going again. He in air in a hurry, conscious that he had almost passed out right there and then, and shook as he looked at Jungkook more carefully. Gorgeous, was the only word that came to mind. And Jungkook was smiling? Why? Taehyung had ruined the party, left quickly, said stupid things, reacted like an idiot.

"I'm here to get an order I placed. A photobook."

Oh. Taehyung felt himself nodding as he automatically turned to rummage in the prints drawer. He quickly found Jungkook's book and pulled it out, handing it to him. It was already paid for, apparently. Jungkook had come into the store to get it done, according to the color of the order sheet. He had come over a day when Taehyung wasn't working? Or maybe while Taehyung was eating. According to the date... no, he hadn't been working. Why would Jungkook do that? And Taehyung hadn't seen Jungkook's name in the program when he had opened it that morning, so that meant the book hadn't been sent via the official channels. That was weird...

"Thanks. Mind if I check it here? I want to see if it came out okay," Jungkook asked with what was probably the sweetest smile he could muster, because Taehyung's heart stopped beating for another reason this time, and he had to force-restart it again.
"Um. Uhh. It's okay? You uh, can use the counter here, it's not like it's very busy today."
"Good, thanks."

Taehyung worked on something else while Jungkook opened his book to check it out. He heard his exclamations when something came out really well, and sometimes glanced at him and saw his smile as he was checking the photos in it. The cover was black with a faux leather finish, and the window in it didn't show much except some kind of landscape picture. Maybe it was a book to gather all his favorite photos of the year?

"Hey, Tae? Could you take a look at it and tell me what you think? I think it came out very well, but maybe you could review it for me? And tell me your honest opinion about it."

Damn it. Taehyung put his stuff away and joined Jungkook, unsure but unable to say no. He felt cold towards him, but he didn't know what to do! He was freaking out on the inside. He didn't want to tell Jungkook about his feelings and risk him not feeling the same way and breaking this whole thing they had at the moment. So he just took the book, which was currently closed, and opened it to the first page, to the photos that showed through the small window in the cover.