LISA’S POV

I once watched a (horrible) movie where this huge, buff guy was pierced by a shard of glass in his leg. He had this girl pull it out and asked her to cauterize it before he bleeds dry. And regardless of how strong he looks and how high his pain tolerance seems, his face still unflatteringly contorts in pain; a desperate groan flits through his teeth, biting hard on a cloth in his mouth.

He was in complete and total anguish. But I’d trade places with him if I can.

There’s a level of pain that’s too much for your heart to contain that it shoots in every part of your body; that it pains you physically even if there’s no physical wound present; like there’s a nerve damage appearing and concentrated in random places making the pain more immense and intense. It stings in your chest one second, then the pit of your stomach, then the tips of your fingers, then the temples of your head, then all of them at the same time. Around and around, it travels. And it’s so exasperating and maddening because no treatment can heal it and no amount of pain killers can dull the pain. You feel.

There’s no escape. It is persistent and you can’t run from it. It will catch you, pin you on the ground, put you in a chokehold until your throat constricts and your lungs beg for air, and force you to tap out.

And all of that can happen in only a matter of seconds. The mere seconds when the arguably most important person in your life recoils at your touch.

I despise myself for failing to hold my emotions in when Jisoo did that and she had to witness me collapse because someone guilted into staying is something I will never wish for anyone. If she’s uncomfortable with me, she has every right to feel so and I should respect that.

I knew it could happen, but nothing could’ve ever prepared me for the pain. I told her I’ll understand and I do, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

“Whoa, you look like ,” is Rosie’s hello when she accepts my facetime.

“Can’t believe you actually answered,” I muse. She rarely answers her calls, and almost always ignores texts, so I’m for real surprised.

Her eyebrow quirks. Worry creases her forehead.

“Where are you? And why do you look like you just got curved?” Rosie asks sternly, ignoring my attempt to stir the subject.

“The park. On top of a slide.” I nip on my chapped lips and sigh. Hearing myself say it just makes me think about how stupid this is. A big, adult girl finding safety in a kids’ playground because she’s a coward. “And well, cos I just did get... curved.”

Shock settles on Rosie’s face as it comes closer and closer on my screen. And before I realize what’s happening, there’s a loud plop of something hitting skin, the screen turns black, and a pained groan follows soon after.

“Oh my god? Are you alright?”

“I-I’m fine. I’m fine!” She squeaks the moment her face was back on again, a little disoriented, and a part of her cheek where her phone landed a little reddish. She nurses it with her hand and winces. “, that’s gonna bruise.”

“You clumsy ,” I chuckle. And it makes me feel, well, just a tad bit better.

“Shut up,” Rosie breathes out and I do and we sit in silence for a moment. “Oh my god... You told Jisoo. Wait, we’re talking about her, right? How?”

“Who else? It just sort of came out,” I shrug feebly. “We were drinking wine and she was just there, lying on my lap and I was just there, playing with her hair, and then when she looked at me, I was suddenly in my feelings and I told her I love her—“

“And? It’s not like we don’t tell each other I love yous.”

“Which is why she didn’t know any better,” I say and Rosie gets that I’m not done yet. “But that’s how it started. It was a hole in the dam of unspoken truth and brooding feelings inside me and though I plastered the leak and went back to my wine, she ripped it right off when she went on about how we act like we’re practically married. And then she asked if I figured out why it didn’t work out with Joy... And at that point, everything was just so overwhelming and the dam failed to hold up. I told her.”

I can almost feel the sympathetic rub Rosie would have given the small of my back if she’s right here in the way she’s looking at me through the screen, but there was an evident annoyance there too, as little as it may be.

“I still tried to suppress it, really, but I couldn’t in the end... and I word-vomited and she was crying. I know she doesn’t feel the same way though, so... I’m just scared.” The last sentence quavers in my throat and I blink back the tears threatening to flow again. “I don’t wanna lose my best friend. When I tried to wipe her tears, she backed off and that’s exactly what I felt.” I breathe out shakily, “, I’m a ing mess.”

“Yeah well, unrequited love and with your best friend nonetheless and finally confessing to her after years of painfully hiding it from her and thinking you’re losing her because of the feelings you didn’t ask for in the first place kinda does that to you.” Rosie scowls and crosses her arms over her chest. The annoyance has grown, apparently. “I told you it was a bad idea—“

“—to live with her again,” I finish her sentence with an eye roll. “I know, I know. But I told you I couldn’t say no. I thought it’s just for a couple of days but she can’t for the love of god find a place she likes. What was I supposed to do? Kick her out?”

Rosie looks like she’s considering that isn’t a bad idea.

“I couldn’t do that,” I shut her down before she even starts. “You wouldn’t do that to her.”

“You’re right, I won’t. But you missed the part where I’m not hopelessly and desperately in love with her. You are,” Rosie scoffs.

“Yeah, and? She’s still my best friend. I couldn’t turn my back away from her again.”

“Of course, you can’t,” Rosie says, dripping with sarcasm.

“Excuse me?” I raise an inquisitive brow.

“You just can’t run away from her, circles and circles you go always running towards her,” Rosie retorts flatly and I can only bite my bottom lip in response. She shakes her head and sighs. “I’m sorry. I know I sound like a condescending but I just- I love you and I’ve seen how stupidly in love you are with her from the get-go and it was cute at first, but it brought you so much pain... You can’t do that to yourself forever.”

In a way, Rosie is right. When I tried to stay away from Jisoo ages ago, I know deep inside my subconscious I believed that she will still be there in case I cave; in case I choose her again. And I‘m certain even when she didn’t appear on my doorstep, sooner or later, I would have appeared on hers because she’s Jisoo.

I’ve been doomed from the start, huh, I chuckle lifelessly as I tilt my head up to the cloudless, moonless, night sky. It gives me a sense of clarity. The bright stars alone illuminate the dark and they shine so beautifully, so at peace in each of their places after having gone through death. I want what the stars have, too— the death and the peace that comes after.

Jisoo is the bane of my existence, but also the only safety net I cling onto. The best and worst part of my life shackled together in one tiny body. And I knew that the only way I could keep the best part for certain is if I embraced the worst. So, I did that.

She’s this incredible abyss that I keep falling and falling deeper into and I didn’t know how to stop. No, I refused the only option left because even if I was falling to my death, I also enjoyed the bliss of flying. But it’s evanescent and at some point, I will reach the bottom and I have.

And I realize that’s exactly the reason why I told Jisoo, even if it meant the ‘best’ dies with it and I have to live through the ‘worst‘ so I can experience the peace I’ve deprived myself of.

“You’re kinda wrong, you know,” I utter bluntly. Rosie arches an offended brow. “I mean what you said about how I can’t run away from her.”

”Okay,” says Rosie but she looks confused. “Okay, you lost me.”

“I’m not the chaser. I’ve always been the one being chased. Running away from the truth looming behind me, above me, and all around me, because I’m terrified. Terrified of what might happen if I let it catch on to me.”

“H-hold up?” Rosie stammers a bit when I motion to climb down the slide. I don’t stop, though. “Where are you going?”

“Towards her.” I nod once as if I wasn’t definitive before I heard myself say it.

“Oh, you mean,” Rosie utters weakly. “But you said— are you not scared of losing her anymore?”

“I am. Of course, I am but I’m so tired,” I release a sigh to ease the pain, but it helps little to nothing. “If losing her is the price I have to pay, then so be it. Sure, it’s gonna hurt and I’d be destroyed and crushed to smithereens, but if it’s closure that I need in order to move on, then I’m gonna take it in any way, shape, or form it comes even if it means I’m losing her.”

“That sounds awfully harrowing, okay, but it still feels like you’re oversimplifying it? You will go through hell or whatever’s worse than that and Jisoo will, too. I know how much she matters to you. And y