(Warning: there's some homophobia ahead. I just thought you should know.)

JISOO'S POV

When we are lost in the raging storm of emotional seas, we all try to find a steady lighthouse to guide our way, desperately looking for just a tiny flicker of light to show itself in the total darkness that prevails in the stricken, clouded skies.

Mine came in the middle of the night while I was drowning in the undulating waves and salty tears of loss and regret for losing the best thing that I could have had.

The tiny flicker of light showed in the memory of Lisa’s face enveloped with vulnerability and fear. It was the face of someone who had suffered before and didn't know if she could do it again. And, it serves to remind me that she only turned me down because she’s terrified, and not because the love isn’t there anymore.

Lisa loves me, still.

And that love, though walled in by some serious of emotional struggle, is my lighthouse.

Lisa loves me, still.

That, I know much because when she kissed me, the shell she’s built over time cracked and I had a glimpse of what is shackled and trapped beneath. When she sealed it back again, I’m left wanting to see the entirety of what’s hidden there. It’s like the first time you watch the trailer for a movie you’ve been waiting for and it’s everything you’ve ever wanted and you just know that the whole movie is going to be beautiful and you’re just dying to see it.

Lisa loves me, still.

So, I haven’t lost all hope yet.

When you find something good, you hold onto it, so I’m holding on to her. As long as I know she loves me, for as long as she still does, I won’t give up on her. I just need her to see that though she’s afraid, I am and we are worth giving a shot. And, thinking of how I’ll do that was what kept me awake for the rest of the night.

So, when Lisa talked to me this morning like I wished she would, I grabbed the chance. And, I think I played my cards right and came so so so close if not for Mrs. Choi’s terrible, horrible timing.

If I managed to coax Lisa out of her cocoon, it doesn’t matter because she obviously just crawled back into it again, and maybe even further. I came on too strong and she freaked out on me.

God, what do I do now?

I bury my face in my palms. I don’t want to overthink things, but she literally couldn’t even look at me that I had no choice, but to leave her alone. (It’s true that I was gonna be late for my meeting. But all of my meetings are done, and I still can’t go back to the apartment, opting to stay in a café instead.)

For the past three hours or so, with gallons of coffee running in my system, I’ve been pondering if I should go to our dinner scheduled for tonight or not. Lisa wanted to hang out with me and Rosie after the film production was over, but now that I ed things up and left things awkward between us, I don’t know if she still wants me there. And I don’t want to ask her or text her for that matter, because I’ve already done a lot of pushing today.

So, instead, I wait. For her to talk to me, or text me, or whatever. Just an indication that we’re okay. But, there’s nothing. The message I’ve sent her saying “I’m sorry” still sits read and unanswered.

“Jisoo?”

I recognize that voice almost immediately although I haven’t heard it for so long. Out of many things to yank me out of my thoughts, I never thought it would be him. When I remove the fingers that curtain my sight, I’m met with a charming smile that I once fell in love with, but just makes me want to vomit now.

Suho. Really? Do the gods hate me this much?

“Oh, it knew it was you!” He exclaims.

I made it a point that I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore when I broke off our engagement. He’s literally like a nightmare I left behind and I’ve cut all connections— I changed my number, blocked him in every social media account, and moved into Lisa’s apartment he doesn’t know where.

I’ve been living in a world where he doesn’t exist... and, I’d like to keep it that way.

“Go away.” I may have sounded a little too annoyed and indifferent, but really, I couldn’t care less. I’ve had a pretty ty day if you noticed, and I’m in no mood to act civil towards someone who doesn’t deserve it.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” he chuckles. “The café is full.”

It is, yes, but how does he have the audacity to sidle on the empty seat in front of me? Scratch that, how does he even have the audacity to show his face to me like he didn’t me over and under?

I can just go. I know that. It’s just a ing table. But, Jesus. It may sound petty to you, but there’s no way I will let this guy get his way again.

“Wow, you are obtuse.”

“Oh, c’mon, you can’t still be mad.”

“I don’t care about you anymore to be even mad at you. I still don’t like seeing your face tho, so can you, like... get out of my sight? Go bother someone else.”

His face falls for a tiny moment, but a smirk quickly finds its place on his smug face. “You’re alone, aren’t you? I can keep you company, while I wait for my girlfriend.”

I roll my eyes. So, that’s what this is. That’s why he’s here. To show off how he’s doing well without me. There’s literally no cell in my body that cares, though.

“What are you doing here alone?” He asks, the animosity in his voice much noticeable that my brows curl up. “You look like you’re going through something. Did you fight with your boyfriend?”

Wow, he’s such an , and damn do I want to wipe the smug out of his face.

“I don’t see why that’s any of your business, but I’ll humor you,” I say. “We did kinda fight, but she isn’t my girlfriend yet. But we’re getting there.” A lie, but he doesn’t need to know that.

And the way his eyeballs almost pop out of their sockets gives enough entertainment to last me for a week. My job here is done.

“Is it Lisa?” He asks after a moment, taking me by surprise. I flinch a little. “It‘s her, isn’t it? I knew she has the hots for you!”

I frown. Seriously, am I the only one who didn’t know?!

“Man, all that talk about how stupid I am for losing the best I’ve ever had when she came to my apartment to get your things. Pft, you’re not all that,” he scoffs. “I told her she can have my trash if she wants you so bad. She looked like she was gonna commit murder.”

“She what?” Lisa never told me what happened when came home that day with my stuff. And, I didn’t ask.

We ate Chinese and a tub of ice cream and watched a silly movie, instead. It’s like we both just opted to not talk about where she came from and how it went.

“You’re too good for him, Jisoo. It’s him who doesn’t deserve you. I hope you know that much.” I remember Lisa whispering those words to me as she held me that night as I cried myself to sleep.

“Oh, you didn’t know? Well, she finally got you. Not that you’re much of a catch,” Suho chuckles. To mock me maybe, but it doesn’t faze me one bit. I’m way over him to care about what he thinks of me. “I didn’t peg you as one of those girls, though.”

That gets a reaction. I raise a brow in question.

“Y’know, those who cancel all men and turn to girls just cos a guy broke their heart.”

How he says something so stupid so seriously makes me burst out a genuine laugh, shoulders shaking, fingers pinching the space between my brows.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” The last remnants of my laughter fade, wiping tears from my eyes. “Just how big can your ego be to think that this even has anything to do with you? That’s not how it works.”

“So, what is it then? You just settled for a girl? Is that it?” The underlying tone of misogyny in that whole question makes my skin itch. Now, that isn’t funny.

”Lisa is more of a man— (I make it a point to roll my eyes)— than you can only wish you’ll ever be. So, how is it settling when she’s way better than you or any man for that matter?”

He scoffs on his cup of coffee, leaning back on his chair like he’s on top of the world. “That’s pretty hard to believe.”

“Look here, you narcissistic .” He does. Out of shock of being called that, maybe. “Where is this confidence even coming from? Did you forget that I’m the one who left you?”

He breathes in sharply, his face twitches into a very unflattering glower. I sit tall in challenge, far from the woman he knew before. He holds no power over me anymore. And that really makes me feel good about myself.

“In case you‘re getting it twisted, I’ll make it clear. You are the trash at the bottommost of the pit, so you don’t get to look down on her or anyone I choose to be with, cos there’s no one below you.”

And, I know I bruised his fragile male ego a little too much (pft like I care) because he looks like he’s just about to burst right before a “Babe!” comes from someone behind me. My gut tells me that the girlfriend has arrived because Suho schools his expression.

Ah, his mask is back.

My head spins to a beautiful girl, sporting the biggest grin that makes my cheeks hurt just from looking at it. There’s an extra bounce in her steps and I fight the grimace that wants to cloud my face when I think I was once like that too with him.

She notices me and though there’s question in her eyes, her smile doesn’t falter. “Is this your friend?” She beams the moment she reaches our table, but before Suho can answer, the overly excited girl introduces herself, “Hi, I’m Sunyoung!”

“And I’m... leaving.” Ignoring her extended hand, I grab my coat and purse and I kinda feel bad when she frowns cos she seems like a genuinely nice person. I sigh, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m not his friend. I was engaged to him once, tho. Worst experience of my life. You can do so much better.”

“Oh, you! You think you’re all that?!” Suho barks and my head, along with the girl’s, jerks to his seething face, red and gnarly. Mask be damned, I guess. “You were a suffocating !”

My ears pulse. He really is way far up his if he still thinks that and my leaving didn’t teach him anything.

I once couldn’t stand the thought of losing him that I resolved into letting go and forgetting the person I was, of thinking I deserve better, just so I could be with him, so I could understand him, so I could get out of his hair (his exact words) because I loved him that much. I defended him to myself even when I was too tired of getting pushed to the side, too exhausted from being under him, and too worn out from being this person who’s blinded by love and has forgotten to love herself until I couldn’t anymore. I was the one doing all the adjusting and I was suffocating? Bull.

My tongue pokes my cheek as I consider my options— one, I put him in his place, or two I can be the bigger person, leave, and live as if he doesn’t exist again. It doesn’t take much thinking to know the better option, so, as much as I‘m burning to stoop down to his level, I decide it’s not worth it.

“If that helps you sleep at night,” I shrug in finality, then turn on my heels.

Suho lets out a contemptuous scoff, “Yeah, cos I’m right! No one else would want you that’s why you’re stuck with that dyke! I can’t decide which one of you two is more disgusting!”

His girlfriend gasps and it takes me another second to register what he just said because I was trying not to listen, but when it clicked, I round on him in a flash. Something in me snaps, hard and inexorable.

My clenched fist flies and connects with flesh and bones strong enough to send him reeling back against the back of his seat. His chair falls to the ground, bringing him along.

“Insult me all you want, you , but try and call Lisa that one more time and see if I don’t kill you.” The fury in my voice sounds foreign even to me and by how my vision is bathed with red, I swear it’s not an empty threat. I don’t know how I’ll pull it off, but I will.

My breaths are labored, my head thumps, my nails dig at the palms of my hands— I’m livid and murderous.

He shouldn’t have crossed that line. He shouldn’t have said the word I ing detest the most.

I’ve heard that slur so many times from people who tried to belittle and insult Lisa. Defending her from that is literally how she became my best friend and though the first person I punched got what she deserved, it didn’t stop there. There’s always someone else. The world is full of ignorant people and one happens to be in front of me right now. And like the others, I can’t let him be without a scratch, especially now that Lisa isn’t here to serve as a buffer.

But Suho, all wide-eyed and slack-jawed and still glued on the floor, cradling the part of his face that was just introduced to my fist, is silent for the first time tonight. And, before he can snap out of his state of shock and say another stupid thing that I’ll make him regret, Sunyoung, if I remember her name correctly, stands between us.

“What he said was uncalled for, but I think that’s enough,” she says, eyes clouded with horror when I fix my gaze on her. She tilts her head, motioning me to look around and that’s only when I remember that we’ve got a café full of audience. Some people look away when my eyes flitter their way, some don’t, including the one who has her phone up, probably taking a video of what’s happening.

“Please, just go,” she pleads. I breathe in raggedly, swiping my tongue on the front of my teeth as I try to steady myself.

My mind drifts to Lisa and how she would be the one calming me down if she was here and that thought pacifies me enough to go. So, without sparing Suho another look, I move away, as painfully hard as it is to do before things escalate and security gets involved.

“Y-you crazy ! Come back here!” I hear Suho shout. He snapped out of it, apparently.

“Suho, stop it, please.”

“Why did you let her go?! She assaulted me!”

“Let it go, Suho. I don’t know what went on between you two, but you shouldn’t have said that,” his girl says, disappointment evident in her voice. At least, she has a good head on her shoulders