LISA'S POV

It’s been so long since the first thing I feel when I wake up is an onslaught of pain, but here it is again, familiarly unsought. All because of the same girl, but all because of entirely different reasons.

I hurt her, which only makes it all worse.

It hurts how defeated and crestfallen she looked, but nodded and said she understands when I turned her heart down; how she dejectedly went to sleep on the couch and I couldn’t tell her to stay; how our king-sized bed has never felt so big without her; and how I couldn’t cocoon her in my embrace as I hear her stifled sobs outside, because I am the reason for those.

I didn’t lie when I said I’m doing okay now— maybe not in every sense of the word for everybody else, but as fine as I can achieve.

Because I will never not love Jisoo. I know that now.

Somewhere along the way, I’ve realized that the love I have for her is like a volcano— not extinct, never inactive, but dormant at best. Once I’ve accepted that, it was... not easy, oh God not easy, but manageable to tamp it down from alert number five to zero.

It was the hardest thing I had to do, but little by little, level by level, I’ve succeeded to tame and conceal the magma that has always been persistent and insistent in rising and spewing all over the place. Until, there was no more volcanic unrest.

The love is still there like it will always, always be, but just not in the same degree. Now, it’s not as wild as it was before, but calm and collected— calm enough that it doesn’t hurt anymore; collected enough that my heart doesn’t go haywire at the mere sight of her.

It brought me so much peace.

That peace, however, is unexpectedly short-lived because Jisoo said she loves me in a way I never thought she ever would. Never in a billion years would I have guessed why she’s been acting strangely lately is because of that reason. I will never have had... come to think that.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve soaked it all in because I was engulfed with fear upon her confession. Now that I’ve slept on it and sobered up and calmed down, I realize not all of me believes it.

She’s in love with me? Jisoo? Just when and how did that happen?

“When and how what happened?”

My eyes snap open when I realize I voiced my thoughts out loud.

I have kept my breathing steady since I was awoken by Jisoo entering the room. I couldn’t even open my eyes to see what she’s doing for the fear of her catching me awake, but from the lavender scent wafting in the room, I figured she just got out of the shower.

Minutes have passed since she came in and I was sure she’s done dressing up, but she stayed. And I could feel her in front of me, just lingering and watching as I continued to pretend I’m asleep.

I’m obviously not, though. And now, I'm busted.

Jisoo exhales after a while of me just staring at her dumbly like my lips are glued shut. I‘m not ready to have that conversation. Yet. She gets that, I guess, because she eases me into a change of topic.

“I knew you were awake, by the way.”

The side of my lips twitches into a slight grimace. “You did?”

“Well, you were snoring,” she begins slowly and half shrugs. “And then, you were not. I figured you‘re up.”

“I was?” I ask, sporting a full scowl now.

“Unless there are ten bullfrogs stuck in your throat, I’m pretty sure you were,” Jisoo chuckles weakly, hugging herself. “You snore a lot. Just soft, mostly. It’s worse when you’re tired, though. It was so loud I could hear you outside. You woke me up before my alarm did.”

Lie.

It doesn’t take so much as to study her to know she hasn’t slept a blink. One look at the darkened circles under her eyes tell me that she had as much sleep as I would’ve had if I wasn’t so exhausted to fall into slumber— none.

And, I feel a tug of guilt in my stomach.

“I’ll make coffee.” Jisoo starts towards the door when I didn’t respond, looking back. “Do you want one?”

I shake my head. “I wanna go back to sleep. No work today.”

“Oh, good. You’ve been slaving for months. You deserve some rest,” Jisoo says with a hint of a smile. “But if you, um, wanna talk, I’ll just be outside,” she adds before she steps out of the room.

Only when I feel my shoulders relax that I become aware of how tense I was. I push myself up, hugging my knees to my chest so I can let my face fall on them. I groan in annoyance. Why am I acting like this? I’m an adult who can handle adult conversations, so why am I running away?

I ruffle my hair, standing up and marching outside with a purpose. When I close the door with more force than necessary, Jisoo jumps in place, head snapping towards my direction.

“You said you love me. When and how did that happen?”

“Oh.” Jisoo blinks the shock away, then reaches for another mug instead of answering. She pours coffee and adds two sugar cubes, just like how I like mine, and sets it down on the table.

I sit on the chair opposite her and accept the coffee she prepared for me. I think I see a faint smile on her lips before she nurses into her own, but it‘s brief. Maybe, I‘m just seeing things.

“I don't know.” With her gaze focused on the drink in her hand, Jisoo breathes in as much air as her lungs can hold. Then, she exhales, her grip tightening around her mug. “Familiarity can be confusing.”

Jisoo has been around me as much as I was for her. Our relationship has always been bordering on what couples do, like it’s a whole big grey area, leaving only a little black to the side-- an area we don’t cross. But, the line that separates friends and more than that is so light and blurred that I wasn’t aware of when I crossed it, too.

I understand what she means. Familiarity can be so confusing, in more ways than one.

“Then, what made you so sure?” Why I sound small and insecure, I don’t know, but my throat dries up and the forgotten coffee in my hand suddenly looks more appealing.

“I wasn’t at first. I’ve never liked girls for as long as I can remember, but I’m sure I like you.” Jisoo throws in easily and though she’s said it last night, hearing her say it again stirs something fierce. “I told you I was jealous at the thought of you being with someone else. That was my wake up call, but of course, I still had lingering doubt so when someone asked me out on a date, I went just to test it out.”

I regret choosing to take a huge sip of my coffee at the same time as Jisoo says that because the liquid goes down the wrong pipe and I’m choking and breathing and coughing all at once.

“Oh, god,” Jisoo gasps and she’s beside me in a flash, gently patting my back. “Are you okay?”

I form an a-okay sign with my fingers, swallowing heavily and catching my breath. “Have you seen my lungs? I think I spat them out,” I say breathlessly, pulling myself upright.

Jisoo heaves a sigh of relief, then chuckles softly. “You’re so dumb.”

“You love me anyway,” I respond without missing a beat.

That came as an automatic response like it is muscle memory at this point and only a moment later do I realize that that’s not what I should say right now.

Jisoo looks both surprised and amused, but her expression smooths out quickly, warmth and affection emitting from her gaze. Nipping on her bottom lip, her nervous tick, she says, “Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell you.”

Jisoo tucks away the hair that escaped my ear and her fingers linger a second longer before they circle back around her mug. My face is probably still red from my near-death experience just a minute ago, so I’m hopeful that masks the blush that appears underneath it.

It obviously did not because Jisoo stops nipping on her lip, the side of pulling into a fleeting smirk. What she’s seeing is giving her a surge of confidence and it’s spilling out— so much so that she chooses not to go back to her seat and sits on the table perpendicular to me instead, feet crossed and dangling over the edge. The cloth of her pants touching the bare skin of my thigh. That's how close she is. And, I try not to be bothered.

“So.” I clear my throat, my eyes darting every