UpdatedJul 17, 2015

PublishedJun 1, 2015

 

Description

This is the diary of Lee Donghae for my unborn baby.

Foreword

Mistakes happen

 

When I found out that I was pregnant, I was completely taken for a whirlwind. The vomiting and eating like a pig, I thought it was a virus. A mixed form of Ebola perhaps? What I didn't expect was to be pregnant. As I sat there and took it in, I looked back as to whom the father could be and well, since I was a it could only be him, Lee Hyukjae.

I didn't love him. Don't get me wrong, but he was a bit of a douche. When I gave myself to him there weren't any fireworks, no roses in hand, nothing. He asked me and I said yes. It's not that I was easy or that I was coerced. We had sorta been together for almost 8 months and I felt comfortable. Turns out isn't as bad as I thought it would be. There was minimal pain, no bleeding. You know all those myths and crap. And in the morning we just kinda smiled about it. It wasn't a one-night stand, not with the way he held me or the way we yearned even in the morning. It was just passionate.

But other than that, he's a douche. Although we'll get to that later. The worst part is that I still have to tell him. I don't know where to start or if I even want to. He has a life planned for himself, ready to take control of within a few months. He's with me now, but that's because he's wrapping up and packing up. He's finished with Korea and onto the next big thing. And then there's me, without a job, barely just started college and sitting on my in my bed. I can't tell him. If I do, I'll be holding him back and I can't be the reason why someone's life is ruined.

Still....how do I tell him?

As I debated whether to tell him or not, my stomach whirled and I made my way into the bathroom again. Having roommates wasn't easy and trying to hide the fact that my stomach will be growing rapidly within a few months? Forget about it. As I sat on the tiled floor my mind wandered again. I have to tell him. What if when he leaves he finds someone else? What if they get married and have a child? He'll go on believing that was his first child. I'd be a sick bastard to do that.

And yet...I still can't formulate the words. What's the best way to tell someone that doesn't love you?

Text: "We're having a baby! LOL"

Phone: "Sooo you're gonna be a dad. Bye!" -click-

Letter: Dearest Hyukjae, I am pregnant with your child. Congrats. Sincerely, your baby mama.

Friend: "So bro I heard you're gonna be a dad."

As much as I wanted to text him a cute emoji, I have to tell him in person. It's only fair right? But my feet won't move. He's a call away. That's it, I'll call him to tell him to meet me! It'll give me time to think of what to say. Hearing the ringing puts me on edge. Am I seconds away from hearing his voice and breaking down? It feels that way. Maybe he won't even pick up being the busy person that he is- please don't pick up.

Please don't pick up

don't pick up

don-

"Please leave a message after the tone"

BEEP.

-clicks-

He didn't answer. It didn't go straight to voicemail. I check the time. 3:40. He isn't asleep that's for sure, he barely sleeps. I don't think he's in class either, but then it hits me. What do I know about him? Birthday? April 4th. Favorite color? Silver and black. Favorite food? He doesn't have one. Place of birth? Korea duh. Where in Korea? Um...I don't know. Seoul perhaps? He did seem like a city boy. What about his parents?His relationship with his mother is almost non-existent and he barely keeps in contact with his father. His dreams? I don't know. His hobbies? I don't know.

His thoughts on kids? ....

I only know the basic things about him, the same things I'd know about an acquaitance. I got up from the tiled floor and began brushing my teeth. Luckily I left my toothbrush there from my shower in the morning. I spat out, took a sip of water, gargled, and spat out again wiping at my mouth. Staring into the mirror I could already see a difference.

Fatigue.

I was barely a month pregnant and already the effects were wearing me down. Only it wasn't the baby's fault, it was my own. I chewed anxiously on my bottom lip. I can't do this to him. I can't. No matter how selfish I should be or deserve to be. I'd be ruining his life. I'd be seen as someone trying to hold him back, our child would be viewed negatively. Would his parents like me? Would society accept me?

Does he even like me?

As I contemplated on my bed, my stomach growled. Gosh I'm starving. Noodles. Noodles sounds wonderful. With beef...and scallions....and tuna. Tuna? I started panicking. I had read on the web that cravings can sometimes mean you're lacking vitamins and minerals. Tuna...what does tuna have? Mercury? No that's stupid. Why would my body need mercury? Iron? Why don't I know my vitamins and minerals!? I grabbed my phone and began searching again only to find out that Tuna has a high Vitamin B-12. But what's Vitamin B-12 for??

I slammed my phone onto my bed and sighed heavily. This is why I need Hyukjae. He's trying to be a doctor, he would know. At least I think so. Our majors are so different. I don't know anything about being pregnant. I haven't even told my family. I barely have friends so I can't rely on anyone. I really am alone.

All these questions I have. I never knew pregnancy would be this hard. I need to tell him tomorrow, it's the weekend he should be free. Again I try dialing his number....

"Hello?"

He picked up this time. What do I do? What do I say? I-

"Donghae? Are you there?"

My mouth won't open. He's so close and yet-

"Donghae? Did you put me on mute again? -sighs- Why must you always do that? Shoot. I have to go."

-dial tone-

I gripped the phone tight in my hand. He was right there. I could've said something! Anything to get him here. But my throat, my mouth wouldn't move. I don't want him to hate me. He'll hate me I know it. I turn onto my side, one arm draped over my stomach as I cry. He has a future he doesn't need-

-phone rings-

I quickly grab the phone, first quickly wiping away my tears. I don't bother looking at the caller ID.

"Hello?"

"Oh hey Donghae. I have class right now, but I'm in the bathroom. Is something wrong? I know it's not like you to call." My heart dropped, but I need to tell him. I gather all my strength and manage to quickly mumble the words I had been dying to tell him.

"I'mpregnantandyou'rethefather"

-in the background- Hey Hyuk the professor is starting the review. Hurry up in there!

"I didn't quite catch what you said, but tell me later ok? Bye."

-dial tone-

You never hear me Hyuk...

Processing

I woke up to the sound of knocking, as I checked my phone I realized it was 1 am. My eyes adjusted to my surroundings and I glanced to find the room empty. It was odd to not see my roommates, they slept early. But then I realized it was Friday and they had gone home for the weekend. I got up with shaky legs and walked to the door. There were two doors, my own and then the entrance. I opened my door and hastily reached for the other. "Hold on!" I half-whispered, half-yelled. My roommates may have gone home, but my suitemates were probably still there. I didn't know, I don't talk to them much.

When I opened the door I was shocked to see Hyukjae standing there. He looked tired and wore a dark grey shirt.

"Hey sleepyhead." He said and reached forward to comb through my dark locks. My hair almost reached my shoulder. I preferred it that way.

"It's 1 am Hyuk, what are you doing here?" Just as he was about to respond, my urge to urinate kicked in and I ran to the bathroom quickly locking the door behind me. "Are your roommates here?" He asked and I half-heartedly said "No" wondering if he heard me. Apparently he did because he mentioned something about staying in my room.

When I got out the bathroom, I found him laying on my bed making himself cozy. "Hey! Get up, you stink!" He sniffed himself and shrugged. "It makes me more masculine."

"Hyuk" I whined and he sighed sitting up, but not leaving the bed.

"So what did you want to talk about?" He stared straight at me and on instinct I grabbed at my stomach. His eyebrows furrowed as if he were confused. "Stomachache? You could've gone to the store." He smiled.

I pulled out the wooden chair from under the desk against the wall and sat on it. With what I was about to say, I wouldn't be able to stand and part of me was thankful that he was sitting too.

"No, it's not a stomachache Hyuk."

Hyukjae was smart, intelligent even. Not on the Mensa scale, but he could piece two-and-two together. He wasn't naive like I was and he was far from dense. He saw things as black-and-white as they came.

"You're joking right?"

My muscles tightened and I could feel my anxiety threatening to spill over. Where were my pills when I needed them! Oh yeah, in the dresser beside Hyukjae and there was no way I was getting any closer than this.

"No." Was all I could muster. The stare he was giving me was tense and full of emotions. So many emotions. For a few minutes none of us spoke and my palms grew sweaty. The tension between us was thickening and it wasn't good. I was terrified of what his reaction would be so I stayed quiet....and then he spoke.

"You're pregnant?"

In an instant, the tears flooded down my face and I fell to my knees mumbling out apologies. He wasn't looking at me, as if he was still taking it in. "I'm sorry Hyuk! I'm so sorry. Please, please forgive me!" I didn't even know what I was apologizing for yet I couldn't stop. I felt guilty. I felt as if I were taking his life from him with my bare hands. A part of me didn't want to feel sorry, it takes two after all and we both made the mistake of not using protection.

"I-I don't know what to say." He stood up and began walking towards me. I reached out and grabbed his calf sheathed in denim. "Please Hyuk. I don't know what to do." He stepped back and gently pushed me away. When he got to the door he said, without looking at me, "I need time to think."

I sat there tears spilling wondering how long it would take.

 

I didn't sleep the entire day, after Hyukjae had left abruptly I stayed up the rest of the morning. It was already 5 pm and he hadn't replied. I had texted, called, left voicemails. Did everything I could and he wasn't listening. I tried to picture myself in his shoes, but I couldn't. I understand that it's hard yet didn't he see I was trying? I was so remorseful. I even stayed in bed all day waiting for him. It was Friday, there weren't any classes and if he was at work, they were given breaks so he had a chance. Even then I just waited...

By 11 pm, I was beyond lethargic. My brain was barely functioning and my baby stomach was growling. I vomited thrice and by the third time all that came up was bile. I was sweating heavily, my body shaking from underneath me. I paced the floor slowly, checking my phone every 5 minutes. My eyes burned and my head ringed when I heard knocking at the door.

I ran with wobbly legs and swung open the door with all my might. The whiplash from using so much strength caught up to me and my eyes rolled back as I fell down, into the arms of something soft.

When I came to I was surrounded by four plain walls, not my own. I gasped and shot upright when the dizziness flooded me and I bent over sideways just in time to vomit on the floor. I felt two strong hands push me back against the bed and I laid still breathing harshly. My head was swirling. I watched with heavy lidded eyes, a nurse who cleaned up the mess I made.

"Feeling better?" My stomach churned. I knew that voice. "Hyukjae" I rasped out. He chuckled and I felt the tears pricking at my eyes.

"You're here."

"Did you not expect me to?" I could feel his fingers rubbing affectionately through my hair. I looked up at him and saw he was smiling sadly and it broke my heart.

"Why are you here? I thought you needed time." I tried to pull away from him, but his fingers were intertwined through my hair. "I did..." He began. I could see his eyes, he looked so tired.

"...but when you fell into my arms I was terrified. Never have I seen you so...fragile. It scared me Hae. It scared me to think of this happening without me. What if you fainted with no one around?"

I reached up with my left hand, it was free from the I.V. and I held onto his other hand wrapped around my shoulder. "I don't want you to force yourself. You have a life outside of me, a life you're starting to build. You're young, handsome, and are capable of so much. Do not let this bring you down."

It was at that moment my entire world blurred as he stared into my eyes and spoke the words I never expected to hear from him. It wasn't that I didn't want it, it was that it was happening too fast and the reasons were all wrong. But I knew his personality, he would never be able to walk away from this with a smile on his face. It would haunt me, I would haunt him. It didn't matter if I were rich, or had a hundred maids to take care of me. This was his responsibility and Hyukjae was a man of his word.

"Marry me Lee Donghae."

Gracious

"Marry me Lee Donghae"

My heart monitor spiked and the beeping alerted the nurse who ran in worried. "Are you okay?" She asked and I smiled with what life I had left. "Yes, thank you."

"If you need anything just press the button and I will be alerted sugar." I only nodded as she walked outside.

I peeked from underneath my eyelashes to find Hyukjae still gazing at me. I would like it if he could stop that. This damn heart monitor was giving me away.

"So?" He questioned, but I was speechless. Did the man of my dreams just propose to me? I sighed. It couldn't be real. I didn't love him, but he was my ideal type. This was Hyukjae. He told me a few months prior that he didn't believe in marriage, didn't care for it. Hell, he barely wanted to date anyone. Yet here he was proposing to me in a hospital. Not exactly romantic, but his beliefs didn't fit the picture either.

"You can't be serious!" I exclaimed. What else could I say? I was thankful that we wouldn't be shunned or hated. This was a normal thing for people and I never took Hyukjae as traditional. But I was traditional, a shotgun wedding was not. "You don't just ask people to marry you."

"I'm not asking some random person, you're the mother of my child! Or father! or whatever! My first child, Donghae! Did you think I could just leave without you?"

I gasped and immediately the realization of what just happened hit me. He wasn't going to leave. He was going to stay in this hole with me, for me. Everything he had planned would be ruined. I yanked his hand from my hair and pushed him as hard as I could.

"No! You are not staying here. Get out! Get out! I don't want you here!" I reached behind me and threw my pillow at him. To my luck, it missed. "Get out!" I screamed. Blood pumped violently in my ears as I continued to shout at him.

"Why are you doing this Hae? It's our child. It's my responsibility too. I'm not walking out of here without you." I threw another pillow and this time he caught it in his hands and dropped it on the ground.

"You can't stay! I won't allow it!" I broke down into tears, my fists curled into the sheets. I felt him move closer and he wrapped his arms around me hugging me tightly. I fought against him, but he held on tighter and eventually I gave up and allowed myself to sway.

You can't" I whispered. He kissed me on the temple and sighed into my hair. "I'm not. I still have my life, as you said. But things change. I am still moving, but you're coming with me."

I shivered in his arms. I felt defeated. "Is that why you want to marry me?"

"I'm a man of my word right?" He shifted and slid half of his body beside me. "I'm not leaving until April. When I do, I want you to come with me. I can't leave my family behind. I'm sorry I acted so foolish. I didn't know what to say, but I don't regret this. We didn't make a mistake, we made a little human being."

"But...we don't love each other. We won't be getting married for love. How-"

"-We love the child right? And who said I don't love you?"

My entire body burst into flames, I could feel the blush burning my cheeks and I shifted to try and hide my face in his arms. "I may not love you as a lover, but as someone I deeply care about, I do. Our child, both of us will be there."

I smiled. "Yes"

"Yes what?"

For now I could enjoy this. April was a few months away, 6 to be exact. That was enough for me to be happy that at least we'd be here for most of it. I am still afraid of what's to come, afraid that I will be holding him back or that some other problem will come. But until then comes-

"Yes I will marry you."

-I will allow myself to be happy for once.

 

"You ready yet?" Hyukjae asked. We were finally leaving from the hospital after a day had passed. The doctor checked me out and explained all that would be needed. He also mentioned that I would be needing a lot of rest as my body was adjusting to the baby.

"Yeah". I said and sat into the wheelchair prepared for me. Hyukjae pushed it and began humming a random song. I was nervous about being near him so to break the ice I asked him what he was humming.

"Eh some random song. Even I'm not sure." He replied and I laughed because somehow I found it funny. "Oh yeah before I forget, the nurse from earlier told me it would be a good idea for you to keep track of your pregnancy."

I pursed my lips as to what he meant. He stopped the wheelchair and digged into jacket pocket. "It's a travel version, I figure it'd be easier for you to take with you wherever you go." He bent down besides me and placed a small book into my hands. "It's a diary. I stopped by the gift shop to pick it up. I want you to write everything, what you've been eating, how you feel. I won't read it I promise, but it'll help you to keep track. It's even divided in sections, so you can have a section for food, one for feelings or whatever else."

I smiled happily and pulled him in for a hug. "Thank you, thank you so much! I'll use it everyday!"

Eventually we made it back to the dorms and he made sure I was safely tucked into my bed. The doctor said that I should get as much rest as possible, although I wasn't tired currently I knew Hyukjae was concerned.

"If you need anything, just call. Tomorrow I'll be busy, but for today I'm free all day." He kissed me on the forehead and left.

As soon as the door closed, I reached over to grab my diary that Hyukjae had laid atop the windowsill and started my first entry.

 

 

Dearest baby,

I am your mom....or dad...or whatever it is you wish to call me. And this is my diary for you. Your father bought it for me to keep track of everything that I do. I will be writing a story for you each day to read when you get older. Forgive me if somedays are boring, I hope that your mommy's life can be filled with joy so you'll be a happier baby. I wish the best for you and I hope I don't upset you in anyway. Your father and I are getting married and in a few months we'll be living in London! Isn't it amazing baby? I've seen photos of it and when we move I'll take so many photos for you! For now I should print out photos of your father and I cause who knows how I'll look in the future. Old? Will my hair be shorter or longer? I wish for you to see us how we are now and in time, I'll even put a photo of you. Right now you're so tiny, smaller than a grain of rice. It's only been 3 weeks though, but I feel you. I shouldn't just yet, but the doctor said I'm a special case -pouts- Don't worry though! Your father and I will protect you. Just hang in there little one and wait for us!

Your loving mommy, Donghae~

 

I decided to write two entries for the day. When we arrived from the hospital, it was in the afternoon. After the nap I had taken it was a little past 6. My stomach growled slightly and I frowned. Before my pregnancy, I rarely ate, yet now that I was I had to increase my appetite. It was hard, harder than I had ever imagined. It was a struggle to tell Hyukjae, but I still had to tell his parents...and my own.

Dearest baby,

You may feel it and for that I'm sorry, I don't mean to leave you hungry. Mommy is a bit stressed at the moment. Your grandparents, they don't know about you yet and I don't know how to tell them. What do you think? Should I show them a photo of you at dinner? Forgive me baby. It's only been 3 weeks and I'm messing up. I don't know what else to say. Forgive me. Forgive me.

Your sad mommy, Donghae~

I dropped the pen as tears fell onto the page. I was scared. I could already imagine the looks of anger. Pregnant men were a normal thing in our society, but rare. Even so, it didn't allow pregnancy before marriage. We wouldn't be harshly chastised, but we would be looked at differently. Not because I was a man, but because I was young. Very young, only 19. Many people were married and pregnant by their mid-20s. I was still considered a teenager and an adult at the same time.

My parents especially, they would never accept this. I was the youngest out of 3 children, even my siblings would berate me. I had always prided myself in being upright and conscientious about the things I partake in and here I was, a screw up. I laid my arms across my stomach, even so I don't regret my baby. This baby, girl or boy, was all I had at the moment. It felt strange and new and I didn't fully understand the implicaitons of being pregnant, but this baby needs me. All she or he has is me and I can't let him or her down.

I was still very much fearful though. I don't know how to tell them. Soon we'll meet again because of the holiday vacation.

What do I do Hyuk?

Eventually I got up, took a shower and got dressed. I looked in the full-length mirror beside my bed to see if I saw a difference. My stomach was slightly rounded, but the doctor said there would be no visible changes for a few more weeks. He said it was due to my weight, since I was very thin.

I had only texted Hyuk once to let him know that I was okay. I was afraid to say otherwise, afraid to text or call him too much. I didn't want to come off as clingy and Hyuk was busy. Heck he didn't even text me back, which led me to believe that I was bothering him. It still made me wonder if he was serious about marrying me. There was no proof of him having said it; no ring, no paper with our names on it. Maybe he said it so I would stop worrying.

Not that it helped. It only made me worry more. What if Hyuk wasn't all in like he said he was? I could feel a headache building and that was when I knew I needed to take a walk to my favorite place.

The ocean.

---

A/N: Sorry if the chapters seem short. This was originally written as a series of short drabbles. Also, Hyukjae loves Donghae as a friend. I'm not gonna throw romance in out of nowhere. 

What do I do?

   When I finally made it to my secret spot near the water, relief flooded through me and I broke into tears. It had been the umpteenth time since I found out yet I couldn't help it. There was so much on my plate and without Hyukjae, I had never felt so alone. It was like walking through an endless tunnel with hidden traps; each day that passed I fell into a new trap.

I wrapped my arms tightly around my stomach, thankful that it wasn't noticeable yet. Only 3 weeks, there was still plenty of time to cover it up.

I sat on the rocks for what felt like hours when I felt a presence near me. On instinct I got up quickly only to wobble from dizziness. I looked up and saw Hyukjae staring at me worriedly. Caught off guard I yelped.

"What are you doing here!?" I asked breathing harshly. He scared the hell out of me.

"I should be asking you the same thing, it already 9 pm. The park closed hours ago." He said and pulled me into his arms. He was warm and it was at that moment I realized how cold I was. "Look at you, you're shivering."

"How did you find me?" I managed to mumble. I pulled my hands to lay on his chest, absorbing the warmth from his shirt.

He scoffed and began to explain. "I know where you are all the time and I know where you like to hide."

I laughed and playfully punched his chest. "So that means you stalk me right?"

Hyukjae gripped me tighter into a bone-crushing hug. "I'm not a stalker. I just know you." I pushed against him and exclaimed "I'm pregnant here idiot!"

He let go almost immediately and dug his hands into his pants pockets. I noticed he was wearing his work attire and it hit me that he must've came here straight from work. I frowned taking in his silence and watched as he walked closer to the water. It was a high tide and the waves splashed angrily against the rocks, close enough to wet us too. Minutes passed and he remained silent, taking everything in and suddenly I felt like the idiot.

How could I have brought it up again? For him it must've felt like a bad dream, for me it was a reality which I could never forget.

"I almost forgot." He whispred. It was so gentle that I almost didn't hear it. Hyukjae wasn't a loud talker, but he was firm. Never indecisive, but most of all never forgetful.

"It's okay" was my response. I wasn't sure what else I could say. I ruined the atmosphere by mentioning it again. I sat down by the rocks again and began making patterns in the sand with my shoes, hands tucked tightly into my coat. I was afraid to keep watching him. Each moment near him, it felt as if I were walking on thin ice.

"It's not okay Donghae. This is my responsibility too. I've just been so caught in future plans that I mistook the one I have now." I peeked upwards to find him staring back at me. My jaw slacked when I took in his beauty.

Hyukjae was never a traditionally handsome man. He wasn't super beautiful, not with the series of scars that outlined his skin. His short jet black hair messy against his face. He dressed simple, not like a pretty boy or someone who keeps up with the changing times. But in my eyes this was what made him lovable. This was what left me vulnerable.

"I'm scared." I admitted randomly. If he was going to be honest, then I should too. I owed him that much.

"Why? I'm here with you." He stepped closer, but I looked away silently signalling him to stay where he was.

"But you're not. Granted it's only been 3 1/2 days since you've found out, but already I don't know what to do. You say I can message you and call you, but you rarely respond. You're busy all the time and I'm just really scared Hyukjae! I'm freaking out. I haven't told my parents, you haven't told your parents. We haven't even come up with a plan and no Hyukjae, marriage is not a good plan. Not when you don't love me like that. And I know I'm asking for too much, but I need and want you to be a part of your child's life!"

When I finished speaking I took two deep breaths and realized that I was standing. I felt relieved and yet still burduned.

"I-I never knew." He shook his head and then did something so unlike himself....he screamed. "Why can't go the way I want it to!?"

I stayed put, eyes wide. Yelling was something Hyukjae never did and curse? Even more rare. But it led me to understand that there was so much more to Hyukjae than I thought I knew.

 

It was strange seeing Hyukjae in such pain. I had always admired him for his strength, the way he could keep it together; the way I couldn't.

"Are you okay?" It was my turn to ask. I didn't expect an answer. He was never one to fully admit his feelings. Saying "I like you" was easy for him, saying how he felt that day was not.

"I want to be an amazing father, but there's so much going on Hae. So much I haven't said because it's hard for me." Then he turned towards me. "If talking could fix things, I'd be more like you."

I instinctively flinched. It wasn't the first time he had expressed himself and left me bare. I always had something to say because I thought that getting things off of your chest helped. Apparently, it didn't.

"If we're going to do this Hyuk, I need you to be more open with me. You always told me that I could ask you anything, yet I never did. Now I'm asking because I'm genuinely concerned. There's so much you know about me and so little I know of you." I mumbled. I watched his face become strained and then I felt as if I had said too much. Maybe it was because we weren't dating. We were friends, barely. I probably didn't have the right to ask such personal questions.

"I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and now with a child? I'm more nervous than ever."

I felt relieved that he didn't say he was scared. Two scared parents would not be a good thing for a child. And between us both, Hyuk had always been mentally stronger. I was weak-willed and weak-minded. I needed and valued his strength. If he couldn't support himself, how could he help me too?

I got up as fast as I could and ran up behind him wrapping my arms tightly around him, mimicking my movements from before.

"You're not alone. Prince and I are here with you."

"Prince?" He questioned and I blushed, rubbing my face between the space where our bodies met.

"It's a nickname for our child." He laughed and turned around, hugging me back. "Really now?"

"I don't know if it's a boy, but it felt right and also I just made it up."

He laughed harder and began rocking us back and forth. "You are unbelievable Hae, you know that right?"

Hearing him laugh made my heart jump and I smiled alongside him, somehow I know our little prince is smiling too.

 

Eventually we made our way back and I watched as he walked off to his own dorm. It was odd that we had made such a connection, but I was happier because of it. It meant that our little prince had a future with both of his parents.

Of course, I was still unsure about telling my family, but that was for another day. For now, I wanted to sleep. Today lasted so long and I was beyond tired. I yawned as I made my way to my room. Opening the door, I threw myself onto my bed and grabbed my notebook and pen.

Dear Prince,

Do you like your nickname? Although your parents don't have much and we aren't royalty, I want you to feel loved. I want you to know that your father and I will do whatever we can to protect you. We're both nervous, but we're first time parents so don't be too harsh on us. Most of all, don't be upset whenever your father is busy. He has his life too and most of all, you have me forever and always. And if that isn't enough, remember that we love you in our own ways.

I love you always, Hae~

 

Time passes

Within a few weeks, there were many events that changed my situation. When my roommates had returned, I was initially fearful to tell them, scared of how they might judge me.

Sungmin was the first to arrive. He had always been the sweetest, most understanding guy I ever knew. It was odd considering we barely knew each other. We were acquaintances at most, but he was kind. He never judged any of my weird antics (like my obsessive cleaning habits) nor my lame jokes. When I gave him the "we need to talk" statement, he immediatley became worried and it warmed my heart. Instead of being angry, as I had believed he would be, he was actually attentive.

"So what's wrong, Hae?" He asked as he unpacked the small luggage he had taken with him.

I sat on my bed, anxiety filling my stomach and I rubbed my sweaty palms up and down my sweatpants.

"I-um." I stammered. If I couldn't speak of my pregnancy to someone who barely knew me, imagine my family. My parents. At that realization, I sighed heavily and Sungmin noticed.

"I hope you aren't pregnant." He chuckled awkwardly and I gave him a look that told him that yeah, I'm pregnant and you wouldn't believe who the father is.

The shirt he was folding slipped from his hands and fell onto the floor. He gaped at me and I could feel myself shrinking underneath his stare.

"Well..." I began. "Are you gonna say anything?"

"I-I'm sorry, Donghae. I honestly don't know what to say." He ran a hand through his hair and bent down to pick up the shirt, tossing it carelessly onto his bed. He approached me, standing a foot away and asked if I was serious.

"Yeah. I went to the doctor already. Even I was in disbelief."

Within a few minutes of very awkward silence, Sungmin's face contorted into the angriest look I had ever seen on him.

"I'm gonna kill him." He mumbled and reached for his keys.

Reacting quickly, I grabbed at his hand, snatching the keys from him right before he made it to the door.

"What are you doing!?" He screamed and attempted to retrieve the keys from me.

"You can't! How did you even know?" I questioned. I mean, it was obvious given that Hyukjae had been the only person I was ever with, but it still didn't mean Sungmin could know who it was.

"Who else could it be, Donghae! You told me yourself that Hyukjae's the only man you've ever been with!" Ditto. 

"Sungmin, please. I've already told him and he's doing the best he can."

"Will he?" Sungmin's eyes began watering and I wondered if I really was the one pregnant or if he was.

"Why are you crying?"

Sungmin walked back to his bed and sat on it with a huff as I followed behind. "I had a friend here who went through the same thing. At first, her boyfriend was beyond loving and took care of her and everything. We thought it was good. We're all adults here, he's being responsible. Some odd months later right before she's due to give birth, he dumps her and sleeps with one of her friends. Instead of keeping the baby, she gives him up for adoption."

I reach out for him, rubbing his back in soothing circles. He looks up at me and sniffles, wiping at the tears that had already fallen.

"I should be doing that for you."

I smile weakly. "No matter what happens, as long as I have you and Kyuhyun by my side, I can handle it. I won't give up my prince because of him."

"Prince?" He pouts cutely.

"Eh well, if it's a boy, prince and if it's a girl, princess." I said shyly.

Sungmin shook his head. "No. You're alreading placing your child into gender roles."

I looked at him cluelessly. "What?"

"Give the baby a gender neutral role for Yesung's sake."

At that moment, I was taken aback. Yesung was a gender fluid person who was known as both Kim Jongwoon (his name) and Yuri. He had lived in our dorm for several months as a male when one of his roommates caught him dressed as a female. They had tied him up with his own pantyhose and proceeded to take turns using him as a punching bag. The next day, he committed suicide.

"I will."

"Thank you."

 

The next day, Kyuhyun had arrived. Sungmin and I had talked the night away, bonding more than I ever would have thought was possible. He was the best caretaker I could ever ask for. But when it came to Kyuhyun, fear struck me worse than ever before. While Sungmin was attentive and compassionate, Kyuhyun was the total opposite. He hated Hyukjae's guts. The two had been at odds ever since Hyukjae called him a pathetic after my blabbering that Kyuhyun had slept with the biggest jock on campus, Siwon.

When he entered, we were all terrified, especially me. I had already destroyed his trust in me, but now with his enemy? I figured that the worst he would do is to tell me to move out; which honestly I would happily oblige. I owed him that much.

He threw his bag onto his bed and then himself, flopping dramatically onto his stomach. He huffed, groaning out "Today was terrible" and I knew my words would only make it worse.

"I lost my ticket for the train, then those train s weren't about to let me on even though I had my receipt. THEN I had to wait 2 hours for the next train, after paying for another ticket. 40 bucks down the drain just to get to this hole and why are you both looking at me like that?" 

I immediately looked down, gnawing at my lower lip and nervously began playing with my fingers. From underneath my eyelashes, I could see Kyuhyun shift in his position to sit on top of the bed. Most of all, I could see him staring at me.

"If you have something to say, Hae then say it. I've had enough bad news all day, I doubt yours could possibly top the list."

I shook my head and I could hear Sungmin whispering and edging me on. I felt more fear run through my bones then when I told Hyukjae.

"Well? Are you two gonna have a whisper fest or tell me? Is this about Siwon, because I swear I'm not-"

"-pregnant-" 

"-sleeping with him." 

Kyuhyun paused, going completely silent and the tension thickened. I wrapped my arms around my stomach unconsciously preparing for the worst.

"You might want to run that by me again."

"I'm pregnant." I said a bit louder. My breath catching in my throat as I watched Kyuhyun's expressions shift from confusion to understanding and finally, anger.

Kyuhyun glanced over at Sungmin, looking for confirmation and when Sungmin nodded his head, he went ballistic.

"Who is the father, Donghae? And don't you dare tell me it's that ing weasel Hyukjae!" He exclaimed, pushing himself off the bed. He began pacing towards me and Sungmin jumped in the middle, arms pushing against Kyuhyun.

"Calm down, Kyu. Let him explain."

"Explain what!? That he ed a weasel and got knocked up by him? Was it good betraying your friend!? It should've been seeing how bloated you are."

My lips trembled and I looked away, unable to see the aggression. 

"Kyu, please. You're not helping-"

"-the if you think I'll help! I'm not helping a traitor and it's . So choose, Min. It's either me or him. I'm not staying in the same room as it"

I whimpered upon hearing Kyuhyun refer to my unborn child as some creature. 

"Look you just need time to cool down and we'll talk tomorrow okay?"

Kyuhyun pushed Sungmin harshly. "Forget this !" He walked off, grabbing his keys and leather jacket and left slamming the door. Instantly, I broke into tears unable to hide my overwhelming sadness.

Sungmin rushed by my side, pulling me into his arms as I sobbed. He rubbed my back in soothing circles and held my head against his chest.

"It's okay, Hae. We'll all talk tomorrow, I'll make sure of it. Right now I'm going to find him to make sure he doesn't do something stupid again, like end up with Siwon. You should get some sleep though, it's late."

He kissed the top of my head and rushed out the door. I kicked off my shoes and slid onto my bed, curling into a ball.

I'm sorry baby, no diary for you tonight.

---

 

 

A/N: Sorry guys for the super late update! I was totes uninspired, buuuut the diary must go on! So, here's the intros of his roommates. 

Also, be noted that this story is in fact, fluff regardless of all the craziness happening.

Realizing

When I woke up, it was almost 4 am and to the sound of loud screaming. I kicked off my blanket and quickly got up, opening the door to find Sungmin holding Kyuhyun back and Hyukjae standing far away with a dark blue short sleeve and khaki pants, sporting a busted lip. 

"Stay away from him you er!" 

Hyukjae wiped at his lip, hissing from the stinging pain and I ran up to him before stopping, realizing what my actions implied. That I was choosing one over the other. Yet part of me couldn't ignore the fact that he was injured, so I gently caressed his face with both of my hands. His glare softened as it reached my eyes.

"You shouldn't be awake, Hae." He whispered gently.

"I heard all the screaming and you're injured. I can't ignore this."

I turned to find Kyuhyun scowling wildly, punching the air as Sungmin held him back. Luckily, Sungmin had been training for the army and was strong enough to hold him back.

Hyukjae placed his hands upon my shoulders, squeezing softly. 

"I'm serious, Hae. Kyuhyun's out of control, I don't want him to hurt you too."

I shook my head. "He'd never hurt me, Hyuk. He's just worried."

Hyukjae scoffed. "He hates me."

"And that too." I muttered. His arms fell beside himself and I could see the desperation in his eyes urging for me to leave, but I couldn't. I had to protect him....but what about my baby? Kyuhyun was like a wild animal. He was honestly capable of anything at that moment.

I turned around and faced Kyuhyun who had calmed down slightly, but the tension never left his shoulders. I had my hands up, showing that I meant no harm.

"Kyuhyun, please. I need him in my life."

"You don't understand what he's done to me, Donghae. The type of damage he caused, because of him I can barely walk through these halls without getting called a !" 

My hands faltered in the air and for a second I had forgotten where I was. Could Hyukjae have been him? The very man, Kyuhyun had told us about for months that had single-handedly destroyed his reputation? No, it wasn't possible. It couldn't have been possible. Hyukjae was a good man, albeit too sarcastic and a bit of an sometimes, but he was good! He had to be for the sake of our child! 

My head tilted slightly towards Hyukjae, but I was unable to face him. My hands were already by my side, ready to cover my womb if necessary. At the moment, I felt more fragile than my baby.

"Is this true, Hyukjae?" 

I could feel him shift unsteadily and I panicked, swinging in my steps to face him, arms over my stomach. 

"Tell me this isn't true Hyukjae. You can't be him." I begged, internally I was already on my knees praying he'd say no or that it was all a misunderstanding. That maybe Kyuhyun had heard wrong or seen wrong and we could go back to being friends. I felt a little selfish thinking that way, but it wasn't only me that I was protecting, it was the child within my womb. 

"I-I'm sorry, Donghae. I used to hang out with Siwon in my first semester, b-but that was years ago. I've changed. I stopped hanging out with them. I'm not the same person I was, you have to believe me."

Angry thoughts swirled in my head and the constant reminder was betrayal. Was I actually betrayed? Or did I, in fact betray Kyuhyun? I closed my eyes briefly feeling another headache building up. It seemed that my baby felt the anxiety fill within me as my stomach churned. 

"You can't be serious. How could you do that to him!? I trusted you, Hyukjae!"

I could vaguely hear Kyuhyun crying in the background and Sungmin trying to console him.

"Hae, please forgive me. I-it was years ago. I've been trying to apologize to Kyuhyun, but he won't accept it. I've even told Siwon to end it, he's just stubborn. He can be that way sometimes."

"So now you're trying to defend him?!" I yelled, uncaring at whom could hear me. Again and again, I had fallen for that sweet-talking side of his, the one that could murder someone and get away with it just for being unrelentingly sweet.

"You don't get to defend someone like him. Does that mean-" I paused. My breath catching in my lungs. He knew for a while that Kyuhyun and I were roommates. He knew....he knew....

"-that you got close to me to seek forgiveness from him?" 

There. I had said it. None of it made sense, but I was so terrified of the answer I momentarily stopped breathing. I could feel it as my palms began to sweat and my body trembled. I could feel exactly what he would say and I didn't want to know. At that moment I wanted to rewind time or tell him to never be so painfully honest with me, so that I could make sure this moment never happened.

"At first, yes." 

I felt my entire world shatter and my resolve faded away into nothing. This man was with me for the sake of appeasing another. At first? What did that even mean when he had said yes just a fraction of a second later. It was worse as to how he could stare directly into my eyes without a single doubt, without a single care and just speak as if it wouldn't affect me.

Without another word, I felt unable to even look at him and as my tears began to fall I quickly rushed into the room. He tried to grab my hand, but I pushed him away with the other. 

How can you be so cruel Hyukjae?

 

Dear baby,

I'm sorry if when you read this you find that your father is no

Dear baby, 

Always know that no matter what the future brings, I will always love you.

P.S. I'm sorry. 

Love, Mama + Papa Hae.

---

A/N: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FLUFF. WHAT DID I DOOOOO. Also, this completes the double update. Sorry if this chapter is short. Whenever I write the next chapter I will combine them both.

Promises

As I laid in bed sobbing, I heard the door open to find Sungmin holding Hyukjae and Kyuhyun by their collars, firmly keeping them separated.

"Turn on the light, Hyukjae." He demanded and Hyukjae flicked the light on. As my eyes adjusted to the brightness, I could see that they were now both sporting busted lips and Hyukjae, a matching black eye.

"As soon as you left, these two got in it again. I'm amazed you didn't hear it and also thankful. It took quite the force to stop them." He flung them forward motioning for them to sit, they both immediately sat down and I watched in amazement of their trained behavior.

"What happened?" I sniffled. I was sure my entire face was red and soaked in tears. Sungmin rushed over to me as he saw my reddened face. He cupped my face and cooed at me.

"I'm so sorry, Hae. I shouldn't have left you alone, but Kyuhyun wouldn't leave it alone and after Hyukjae had said what he did, he went ballistic. I was only able to stop them by kicking them hard in the gut."

He let go of my face and glared at the two.

"You both should be ashamed. Donghae is pregnant, Kyuhyun. Hyukjae is the father and as for you Hyukjae, you still have a lot to prove to all of us. You may not think so, but we both heard what you told him. If you honestly don't want to be here, you don't have to. Donghae has us both beside him."

At that moment, I immediately zoned out and pulled my blanket closer to my body. I felt vulnerable, bare in front of everyone. Would he leave? Would he say no? I was terrified. After what he had told me earlier, I didn't know what to believe anymore. I couldn't trust him, not like this. Our child wasn't his top priority as it was mine. I understood that he had a life to live, but he's responsible too. It takes two to make a child, how could he even think about leaving? If he did then what about the future? How could he have another child and yet ignore the fact that he abandoned his first.

Internally, I wanted to cry again. Externally, I was; heavy tears spilled from my eyes uncontrollably and I sobbed loudly. I was almost two months into my pregnancy, I didn't expect my hormones to go rampant, but they did. The stress of everything, of how I had yet to tell my parents and their fighting left me open to despair.

"Ah my baby Hae, it's okay." Sungmin wrapped his arms around my head, pulling me onto his chest. "Shh, it's okay. I straightened them out." He cooed, trying to relax me. My sniffles slowly shifted into tiny hiccups.

"Do *hic* you *hic* not *hic* want this *hic* baby?"

Hyukjae smiled sheepishly, wincing at the pain of his busted lip. "I do and from now on I'll work harder to prove it okay?" He pulled himself off the chair, approaching me for a hug when Kyuhyun stopped him.

"As much as I'd love for us all to be like the ing Brady Bunch, you still have a lot of apologizing to do; starting with me. I slept with Siwon because I loved him okay? Not because I'm some cheap . He was my first love and you ed it up, now all he sees me as is a . If you want to be near Donghae, you have to make it up to me. I may not be bffs with him, but I'll sure as hell protect him from getting ed over by you."

Sungmin was about to intervene and I could almost immediately tell what he was going to say. Afterall, what right did Kyuhyun have to interject into my personal business? I needed Hyukjae. He was older, wiser and I damn well needed as many people as supportive as possible close to me, especially for when I was to tell my family. Yet, I stopped him.

"Kyu, as much as I appreciate the sentiment. I need Hyukjae. He's different now-"

"-how?" Kyuhyun exclaimed. "Nothing he has done has shown me that he is different. I'm telling you Donghae, I've been in college with this jackass for 3 years. You've been here less than 8 months. He's probably already blabbered to Siwon about your pregnancy and if you want I can confirm it."

He whipped out his phone and began texting whom I assumed was Siwon. I had met the man once, he was suave as can be, but very blunt when it came to Kyuhyun. Their love-hate relationship struck me as odd, yet at the same time I could see that deep inside Siwon truly cared about Kyuhyun. Maybe he was right, maybe the only person that ruined their relationship was Hyukjae. 

Hyukjae's eyes darted from Kyuhyun to me, his face showing anxiety. "You're not going to stop him?" He asked and I wanted to say no, I don't trust you, but I held back.

"There, I sent the text. I didn't reveal anything just in case he actually kept his word, but there's a ing fat chance of that happening." Kyuhyun tossed the phone at me and I caught it, reading the text.

"Did Hyuk talk to you about anything?" Sent at 5:22 am

I held the phone tightly in my hand, re-reading the message over and over until the light faded away. I stared at it, silently praying to myself that if Siwon responded at this time or any time, it would be no. Yet as the phone blinked in my hand, the screen lock revealing itself, I could see the reply.

"Nope. Why? Got any good gossip for me?"

My eyes watered and droplets fell upon the screen. Sungmin and Kyuhyun reacted immediately. Sungmin rubbing soothing circles onto my back once again and Kyuhyun quickly grabbed the phone to read the text. He smiled upon seeing the message, his face blowing into a wide grin, wincing too as the pain hit him directly after.

"You faker. I thought Siwon actually said something ty. He's a sometimes."

Hyukjae stood in the background, looking tired, uncomfortable and all types of relief.

"So does this mean that I'm off the hook?"

Kyuhyun punched him playfully on the arm and Hyukjae rubbed at the spot where had been punched citing that Kyuhyun purposefully punched him hard.

"I guess an old dog does learn new tricks. Keep up the good work and maybe I won't post those drunk videos."

My eyes bulged.

"Drunk!?"

I scrambled for Kyuhyun's phone and he quickly placed it into his pocket. This was exactly why I hated being short and pregnant. I wasn't necessarily weak, I was always as healthy as a horse, but compared to Kyuhyun who worked out daily, I was definitely no match.

Hyukjae rubbed the back of his neck bashfully. "Well uh- he did mention that I was a lot wilder when I first got here. Things have cooled down though and I only drink on special occassions like birthdays and such."

"So are we all okay now?" 

Everyone glanced at each other and collectively nodded their head. I sighed feeling beyond relieved that the rift between us was over. After Kyuhyun's anger, I thought there was no chance of reconciliation and honestly, as much as Hyukjae was important to me, I could never choose him over Kyuhyun. Even if we were essentially aquaintances, my roommates were important to me. They made me feel alive in a sense and that it was okay to be different and be myself. Around them, for the first time I didn't have to hide my true personality. I could be myself without being judged. Now with Hyukjae, it wasn't the same. We were total opposites and maybe it was what we needed to work on all along. The fact that we knew so little about each other nagged at me, but I ignored it choosing to favor the happiness in the room.

"Good because we're starving." I rubbed my stomach proudly, feeling somewhat content with the situation. As long as I had them all by my side, I could survive this. We could survive this.

"Well, it is sort of breakfast time. We could hit the diner down the block. Sounds good?" Sungmin asked.

"Yup. I could definitely go for some waffles."

As we exited the door, I realized I had forgotten my money and motioned for them to wait for me by the elevator. As I searched for my wallet, Hyukjae walked in and grabbed me by the hand.

"Eh?" I asked surprised by his actions. He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket with his free hand and wiggled it in the air, smiling.

"I'm sure I can afford to treat my newfound family to some breakfast." 

I grinned widely. "If you're offering, however could I turn you down?"

I intertwined our fingers and we walked out the room. If only life were always this sweet.

 

Dearest baby, 

Your father and uncles have made up. Is it okay for me to call them your uncles? So far they've been supportive and care for you as much as I do.

If you ever need anything: ask them and tell them not to be cheap! Your father will be a doctor soon right?

Love, your papa

 

---

A/N: Note that the diary will not always relate to the events that same day. All of this is in the past* so the diary entries (in a sense) are already completed. Think of it like a movie. The movie is complete, but you've yet to see it.