“It’s all too much for me. Blow away, like smoke in the air. How can you die carelessly?” | Six Feet Under – Billie Eilish

Chaeyoung | November 14, 2018

“How long have you been dead?”

She lurched her head towards the direction of the voice, a look of surprise plastered on her face. Her eyes scanned the owner of the voice, settling on eyes coated with kindness. The owner was a woman that stood with the familiar stance of nonchalance and with a voice lilted by delight.

One, two, three. She blinked once, twice and a third time before she found her voice to answer with a pleased cadence.

“You know, someone asked me that same question a few weeks ago,” an amused chuckle punctuating her sentence.

She was answered by a laughter coated, “did you now? What did you say to them?”

Chaeyoung chuckled, deciding to carry on with the charade.

“I asked them if they were supposed to ask that and they only shrugged in reply. As for you, I still don’t think you’re supposed to ask that,” she finished saying. She threw a beaming smile at the person who was toeing her bare feet along the sidewalk in her typical relaxed manner.

She then watched as said person gave her a goofy shrug of her shoulders and then slid her hands into the respective pockets of her sweatpants.

(It felt so much like the first time they met, that it felt a little jarring. Three weeks felt like three month. But regardless, she was happy to see her).

“Hi Momo,” Chaeyoung said with giddiness coating every word as she walked towards the woman who met her with a happy smile.

Momo pulled a hand out of its residence in her pocket and ruffled Chaeyoung’s hair fondly, messing up her bangs in the process. “Hey kiddo, long time no see.”

She let out a chuckle at the younger woman who let out a huff in faux annoyance. She proceeded to chuckle a little more at the sight of said woman blowing a strand of hair out of her face.

While she was in the process of adjusting her hair, Chaeyoung caught up a bit with her unexpected company. “Yeah, it has been awhile. How are you doing? Are you well rested?”

Momo nodded along absentmindedly before verbally answering. “I am. Rest was definitely something that I needed. Speaking of, how’s your sister doing?”

Chaeyoung let her arm fall back to her side before answering. She was now devoid of her previous smile and with a more somber look plastered on her face, “she’s doing about as well as expected. She actually starts therapy soon.”

She watched as Momo’s eyes softened at the sentence, “I’m glad. It’ll hopefully do her some good. I hope the best for her.”

Chaeyoung watched as realization danced across Momo’s eyes before the other woman added, “Oh, is that why you’re here?”

(It was not lost on either party that there was a psychologist’s office on the street across from them).

“Not completely. Jeongyeon is seeing my psychiatrist but, my friends are the one seeing the psychologist,” Chaeyoung replied.

(The difference between the two professions was lost on her).

“Ah, yeah that makes sense. My sister and her girlfriend are seeing the same one,” Momo began. She then turned her attention to just slightly above Chaeyoung’s shoulder.

“Speaking of.”

Chaeyoung turned around to see two unfamiliar figures walking in their general direction. She smiled softly at the couple that were swinging their interlocked hands in large, childish arcs.

“Which one’s your sister,” she asked, eyes still focused on the couple. She only startled out of it when she felt a presence behind her.

Momo had moved to stand behind Chaeyoung with her front pressed softly against the younger woman’s back.

(And if she could still do so, Chaeyoung would have probably blushed at the action).

The older woman pointed over Chaeyoung’s right shoulder – letting her arm rest there as she did so – at the taller woman with maroon hair and a subdued smile on her face.

“That’s Sana and the tiny one, who was probably the sun in a past life, is her girlfriend Jihyo.”

Chaeyoung was still smiling at the duo as they made their way closer, a “they’re adorable” escaping as the two moved in tandem.

“That they are,” Momo replied before the corporal duo’s conversation could be heard.

The couple stopped a few feet in front of where Chaeyoung and Momo stood and the first voice that could be heard was from Sana.

“Are you still wanting to head to the café while I check us in across the street?”

They spectral duo watched as Jihyo leaned into Sana’s space for a hug, a muffled “yeah” leaving her lips. She pulled back slightly before she posed her own question, “do you want anything, sweetheart?”

Sana could be seen running her hands up and down Jihyo’s back as she answered, “a cherry tea would be fine. Thank you, baby.”

The ghostly two watched as the oldest of the couple bent down to kiss the youngest woman’s forehead and then her cheek – both women giggling all the while – before muttering a “see you soon” against her skin.

Sana then proceeded to jog lightly across the street that separated the two sides. She turned around for a moment to wave goofily at her girlfriend that was still watching her and almost tripped in the process.

A giggle surrounded a yelled “be careful” which was met by an equally amused “you didn’t see that” in response.

Jihyo turned around once she saw Sana enter the clinic, with her smile still in place, and came face to face with two people trying to enter the café at the same time as her.

“Oh, sorry,” said woman spoke, unconsciously speaking the phrase in English after having almost run into the two.

“Ah, and speaking of my friends, that would be them,” Chaeyoung said once she realized who the duo at the café door was.

(Momo moved her chin to rest on Chaeyoung’s head and Chaeyoung was past the point of being flustered by it).

“Who’s who?”

Chaeyoung didn’t bother to physically point at who was who.

However, what Chaeyoung did do, for no reason at all, was sway her head from left to right slightly. She jostled Momo as she did so and the older woman lightly laughed at the abrupt movement.

A small, absentminded smile made its presence known on Chaeyoung’s face as the two watched the newly created trio awkwardly shuffle into the café.

Chaeyoung cleared once before finally answering Momo’s question, “the tall one with the baby face is Tzuyu and the tiny ball of fluff is Dahyun. Dahyun was the one who was on the roof with you and Jeongyeon.”

A mischievous smile grew on Momo’s face. However, before Chaeyoung could question the look, the older woman commented amid small chuckles.

“You have some nerve calling someone tiny.”

Chaeyoung paused for a moment in mild disbelief, an eye twitching a single time at the boisterous laugh that erupted from Momo.

A sulky “hey” left as Momo continued to laugh at her.

“I’m taller than her. You just can’t tell because all of her shoes have lifts in them,” she said in a petulant tone. She reduced her face to a pout as Momo’s laughs only calmed down slightly.

Chaeyoung jokingly stalked away from a silently giggling Momo into the half-filled café, taking a spot next to the counter. Momo quickly followed after her and then she back hugged Chaeyoung – in a manner reminiscent to how they stood outside – when she got to her.

“Chaeyoung-ah, I was kidding,” Momo said, burying her head between the space where Chaeyoung’s neck and shoulder met.

Chaeyoung hummed in acknowledgment. She turned her head to the side to make eye contact with Momo. Giving her a dimpled smile, she gave her a playful wink before turning her attention to their friends.

The trio were third, fourth, and fifth in line – starting with Jihyo and ending with Tzuyu – and the younger two could be heard quietly discussing their upcoming therapy session.

Dahyun could be seen maneuvering slowly on the balls of her feet. Her arms were clasped behind her back in what Chaeyoung knew was an obvious display of nerves.

“Do you think joining a group therapy session was a good decision for us,” she asked the younger of the two without ever turning her attention towards her.

Tzuyu moved her hands to grab Dahyun’s that were clasped in front of her. She the older woman’s hands apart before holding them, with one hand in each of her own.

She rested her head on the smaller woman’s shoulder – similar to that of Momo with Chaeyoung – and shuffled forward with her as the line moved.

“I don’t know if it is, but I think that it would be. I don’t know how much it will help us but I do know that it would do us good to talk about it with someone other than each other. Especially because we seemingly only talk about it when neither of us can stay asleep or go to sleep,” Tzuyu began.

She nuzzled into the crevice of Dahyun’s left shoulder and in a breath before continuing.

“It’s been… hard and we’ve changed so much. Neither of us fit our old personalities and we’ve had to make do with the changes. We really need the help unnie. We’re handling it better than Nayeon unnie and Jeongyeon unnie, but we can only do so much alone.”

Dahyun inflated her cheeks with air before exhaling heavily, “you’ve grown a lot you know?”

Tzuyu gave her a chuckle that leant more towards sad than any other emotion, “I kind of had to.”

The end of their discussion came at the beginning of another – between Jihyo and the man at the counter.

“Hey Doyoung? Can you put whatever the two behind me order on Sana’s and I tab,” Jihyo asked. This resulted in Dahyun and Tzuyu immediately turning their attention to her, set on politely declining the offer.

“Wow, she’s really nice,” Chaeyoung remarked as her two friends politely argued against her offer.

“I told you, she’s the sun,” Momo responded, smiling wholeheartedly at her friend.

Jihyo put her hand up to silence the duo lightly bickering with her, thankful that they were the last ones in line. She gave the two of them a friendly smile as she explained her reasoning to them.

“Hey, it’s no problem. We’re going to the same session and I figured that you guys could do with a little good today,” she began while moving over to the pick-up side of the counter. She kept her eyes on the duo as she moved away.

She threw a pair of large puppy eyes at them in an attempt of persuasion with a slightly aegyo filled, “please, let me pay?”

Chaeyoung whistled lowly before tossing a comment towards Momo, “Oh, she’s good, real good and they will fold like a bad poker hand.”

She let out an unattractive – by her standards, Momo smiled at the sound – snort at Dahyun attempting to cover Tzuyu’s eyes with her hand to shield her from the adorable sight.

Dahyun muttered a defeated “no, don’t look Chewy” in the process before nodding at Jihyo, hesitantly so, that it was okay for her to pay.

Tzuyu removed the hand that was covering her eyes and then pulled away from Dahyun to give a deep bow to Jihyo in gratitude – Dahyun, of course, following her example.

“Alright, alright,” Jihyo said after a moment, with a red dust lightly coating her cheeks. She was steadily growing flustered at the two young women still in the middle of their respectful bows.

“Order whatever you want, the session starts in twenty minutes,” Jihyo finished before collecting her black coffee and Sana’s tea as she waited for the two younger women to join her by the café door.

---0---

One of the first tidbits out of the psychologist’s mouth was the prospect that ‘all roads lead to here.’ It was a concept that Chaeyoung disliked.

To her, it meant that all roads – no matter which she took, no matter the direction – led to her death at the age of twenty. It meant that all roads led to Momo sharing a similar fate.

To her, it meant that all roads led to her sisters struggling just to move forward and through another day. It meant that all roads led to the same for Momo’s sisters.

To her, it meant that all roads led to her being here, yet not physically, in a way that she didn’t understand.

To her, it meant she was a ghost sitting on the floor in between Dahyun and Tzuyu as they participate in their first session of group therapy. It meant that all roads let to Momo sitting across from her in a similar manner between Jihyo and Sana.

It was a concept that she disliked because to her, it meant fate. She never wanted this to be her fate. But, there was nothing that she could do.

Chaeyoung, in her mild stupor, made prolonged eye contact with Momo. The other woman only raised an eyebrow in question before asking her if she was okay.

It took a few tries of asking before Chaeyoung nodded absentmindedly in answer. She waved the concern off before paying attention to the session at hand.

“We have two new members joining our session tonight,” the psychologist began. He turned directly to address the two newcomers. “I’m Doctor Yoon. If you two would like to do so, you can introduce yourselves and share why you’re here.”

Chaeyoung leant backwards, resting her weight on her hands. The new position allowed herself to easily view the women on either side of her.

Tzuyu and Dahyun made eye contact with one another, chuckling nervously before one decided to speak first.

“Um,” the shorter of the two started, clearing after the first syllable. “I’m Kim Dahyun, twenty-one years old. Uh, sorry. This is our first time doing this type of thing.”

Chaeyoung angled her body towards the speaking woman a little, feeling the nerves radiating from her easily. Dahyun shivered once, as if she could sense her presence before continuing.

“A friend of ours,” – she gestured towards Tzuyu at that part – “died recently. It’s been… difficult dealing with that. We could use a little help so, that’s why we’re here.”

Her sentence finished with an awkward smile towards the members of the circle. Her eyes met Jihyo’s for a fleeting moment before they landed onto her companion, taking in the soft smile being given to her. She then turned her attention onto the hands fidgeting in her lap.

The taller of the two spoke next, turning her attention to the room and off of Dahyun. “I’m Chou Tzuyu and I’m twenty years old,” she bowed her head forward slightly in greeting.

Chaeyoung tittered at that, saying out loud that Tzuyu was “always the polite one.”

Momo caught her attention again, with another question on the tip of her tongue: “Hey Chaeyoung, how old were you?”

Chaeyoung answered her almost immediately, “I’m twenty, only a few months older than Tzuyu. How old are you?”

Momo considered it for a second before she replied, “I was twenty-two, but my birthday was a few days ago so I would have been twenty-three.”

Chaeyoung gave a soft smile towards Momo before giving her a “happy belated birthday unnie.” She was met with a stare from eyes that had a bit of sadness shimmering in them before receiving a soft spoken “thanks kid.”

“Since you two are new, would either of you like to share a bit about your friend and about how you’ve been holding up? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, mind you,” they both her Doctor Yoon say.

Tzuyu and Dahyun met eyes again, both looking at one another with a knowing look. The two friends turned around in their seats slightly to face one another and moved a respective fist up.

“Sure,” one of them muttered out before they engaged in a bout of rock, paper, scissors.

The first round was a wash as the two both picked scissors. They giggled at each other and the group members smiled gently at the happy sounds. The second round resulted in a victory for Tzuyu as she threw out paper in contrast to Dahyun’s rock.

“It seems like you’re up first Dahyun,” Doctor Yoon said amid his chuckles at the duo.

“It seems like it,” she responded, the smile on her face becoming a little less awkward and a little more genuine. “Sorry for the delay,” she started, a chuckle that was her own interrupting her.

“The three of us – Tzuyu, our friend Chaeyoung and I – always used a game of rock, paper, scissors to pretty much decide everything. The first round typically ended in a tie. Chaeyoung would always, always start with scissors so we’d pick it so she wouldn’t be out at the first round. She chuckled once before she continued.

“I had met Tzuyu and Chaeyoung when I was nine years old and they were eight. Back when Tzuyu was the shortest one between us and Chaeyoung was the bravest of us all. She had shoved some kid over who had knocked my lunch to the ground. She had a tiny as ever Tzuyu trailing behind her telling him to be a nicer person and the three of us had been best friends ever since.”

Dahyun paused for a moment to grab one of Tzuyu’s hands. She pulled the limb into her lap and looked down as she fiddled with the hand between her own.

(Tzuyu’s arm dangled in the space above Chaeyoung’s legs).

“Chaeyoung died in a car accident back in September. She was out with her sisters to celebrate the eldest one’s birthday. I had never asked for the details but, I know that at some point she was ejected from the vehicle. It was a very bad accident. Both of her sisters had- have significant injuries because of it. Since then, it’s been difficult to the point that it’s overwhelming.”

“What’s been overwhelming for you,” Doctor Yoon asked, goading her to continue speaking.

“Everything. Dealing with the mourning. It’s difficult waking up every day with the knowledge that someone I spent more than half of my life with is no longer around. It’s also hard dealing with her family since then too. Tzuyu and I have been playing peacemaker with her sisters because one blames the other for the accident. And to be honest, I blamed her for a while too,” Dahyun answered in full.

“How come?”

Dahyun shrugged at the inquiry, eyes finally moving around the room.

“It was easier. It was easier to blame someone than to acknowledge that it was truly just an accident where no one was really at fault. You see the impact, you see the scars, the pain, the loss and it’s like admitting that it was fate if there’s no one to blame. That removes the idea that it could have been prevented you know? That she could have still been here if someone had intervened. It takes that away from you.”

Dahyun squeezed the hand in her own as she gave out a shaky exhale – Tzuyu squeezed her hand in return.

“Dahyun can you do me a favor and you too Tzuyu,” Doctor Yoon started, waiting until both women focused on him.

“Focus on yourselves first before you cater to her sisters. You can’t, and nor should you, attempt to keep someone else together before you do so with yourself. It becomes overwhelming as you said so earlier. You can be present but don’t be afraid to pull back if it’s too much for you. Be there as much as you can without any expense to yourself.”

“That sounds easier said than done,” Tzuyu remarked.

“It always is,” was what she received in response.

Doctor Yoon clapped his hands together before addressing just one this time, “do you have anything you want to share Tzuyu?”

“I do,” she answered before pulling Dahyun’s hand into her own lap.

“Chaeyoung and I had met Dahyun unnie when we were eight but I had met Chaeyoung when I was five. My family and I had moved from Taiwan and we lived down the street from her and her family. I met her a few days after we had moved in when one of her sisters almost ran into me on her skateboard,” Tzuyu began, pausing to smile fondly at the memory.

“The first thing that I heard her say was an annoyed sounding ‘watch where you’re going you giant, she’s little.’ She waddled over to me with missing front teeth and pinched my cheeks proclaiming that we were now best friends and that she would look out for me since I was so small. Very ironic now, considering how I had eleven centimeters on her by the time we reached fifteen.”

Tzuyu met eyes with Jihyo and the woman holding her hand – who she learned was called Sana – as they both gave her an encouraging smile. She turned her attention to Dahyun, squeezing her hand as she did so and kept her eyes on her as she spoke.

“Chaeyoung and I… She and I were dating,” she started. She winced a little at Dahyun’s grip getting a little tighter and eyes widening a little more than slightly. She mouthed that she was sorry before she continued speaking.

“We were actually supposed to go on our fourth date on the weekend that she passed. She was my best friend first before she was anything else, before romantic feelings were ever involved. But, I lost two people in one that day. And it, it just . But, I’m dealing with it as best as I can because I know that I need to. It’s just hard,” she finished.

Chaeyoung zoned out on the remainder of the conversation, not paying attention to what the psychologist said to Tzuyu.

She sat up from her leaning position and moved to sit cross legged. She placed her elbows on top of her thighs and put her head in her hands.

She remembered that that date was when she was going to ask Tzuyu to be her girlfriend. It dawned on her that there was just so much that she would never get to do and it made her sad to think about.

Her thoughts were interrupted before they had the chance to spiral by Momo putting a hand atop of her head.

(She had missed the older woman moving to sit in front of her Dahyun’s arms separating them briefly before said woman pulled away from Tzuyu).

“You okay,” she heard her ask. The hand on her head scratched her scalp lightly and she closed her eyes at the sensation.

She didn’t answer her and the two just sat in silence. Chaeyoung could hear Sana discussing what they did for Momo’s birthday with Jihyo humming in lieu of answer during certain parts.

She had turned her attention to both of her friends who were no longer holding hands. A contemplative look had taken residence on Dahyun’s face while Tzuyu’s held a nervous one.

She then turned to look up at Momo who was watching her carefully and with kind eyes before she finally answered the older woman’s question.

“I’m okay, I guess. A little sad – or a lot. But, I’m okay.”

Momo nodded at her answer and moved to sit next to Chaeyoung on her right, abandoning her prior seat in favor of keeping the smaller woman company.

The duo sat quietly as they observed the remainder of the session. They watched as people told stories of grief, loss and ailment. Stories of people repairing their hearts and healing old scars.

There was a moment where Momo shared a frown with her sister when Jihyo gave Doctor Yoon a careless shrug when he asked her if she had anything that she wanted to share.

(In the months that Sana and Jihyo had gone to these meetings, not once had Jihyo shared anything. Not even a simple answer to how her day was going. She was mainly a quiet presence in the room).

Other than that, the night was easy and soon enough the room began to pack up. Chaeyoung placed a hand onto Momo’s shoulder, pulling the woman’s attention to her – who was in the process of standing herself.

“Thank you, by the way,” she stated.

She watched as a confused look washed over Momo’s face: “What for?”

“For everything you’ve done for me. You’ve been keeping me company and helping me adjust with everything. Also for what you did for Jeongyeon – for someone that you didn’t know. So, thank you. You’re a good person and I’m sure you were an even better one when you were alive,” she replied.

Chaeyoung was met by a heartwarming smile that came from Momo, her own disarming smile beaming in response. She watched as a suddenly bashful Momo stood up from her spot on the floor.

“Thank you for the kind words, it’s been a pleasure really. Will I see you tomorrow in our usual spot,” Momo inquired as she began to walk towards Sana and Jihyo at the door.

“You will, so rest well unnie,” Chaeyoung said in response as Momo started leaving the room. The older woman turned around to wave at her before she was completely out of sight.

Chaeyoung then turned her attention towards her two best friends. Dahyun was reassuring Tzuyu that she wasn’t mad about not being told about them nor was she put off by Tzuyu essentially coming out to her and a room full of people.

(Dahyun did, however, apologize for making it seem as if their impending relationship and ualities were something that they needed to hide from her. Tzuyu, of course, adamantly denying that it was anything that Dahyun did that made them keep it to themselves – it was all about timing more than anything).

Dahyun then pulled the taller woman into her arms for a hug, rocking the two of them from side to side playfully. Words of encouragement laced in proudness escaped her lips and burrowed themselves into Tzuyu’s skin.

Chaeyoung smiled at them and figured that: if all roads led to here, to the people she cared about finding solace in one another, then maybe fate wasn’t so bad even if it was she who did not find happiness. Nor was it she who got to live.

---0---

Someone asked about how I came up with their personalities in terms of grieving in my curious cat but since the lot of you don’t know me on twitter, I figured I could answer here. Simply put they react the same but to different degrees. Everyone grieves differently but it’s inherently the same. Also super long so you don’t have to read it lol. But I hope you enjoyed this chapter, see you next time.

Jeongyeon and Sana (who meet next chapter btw) relate by the fact that they hold the blame for their respective sibling’s death. Jeongyeon is much more destructive with her feelings of guilt as oppose to Sana who finds peace except for when she’s asleep. It is a little to do with the fact that the deaths have a significant distance between them – four months as opposed to four weeks – so Sana is obviously adjusted more even though she, Mina and Jihyo are still dealing with many firsts without Momo. It is also due to the fact that Sana’s **hand** in Momo’s death is almost non-existent as opposed to Jeongyeon with Chaeyoung’s who could have some liability (and you’ll later learn that Nayeon has some as well).

Jihyo and Tzuyu relate in the sense that they’re the pillars of their respective grieving circles. The ones to keep everyone together and to make sure that they are always comforted. However, Tzuyu is much more self-aware than Jihyo is. She’s aware that she needs to heal as much as Nayeon, Jeongyeon and Dahyun and that she can’t just brush it all away in the hopes that it will go away. Jihyo doesn’t think that her pain matters all that much, so she keeps it to herself (she will have her breakdown in three-ish chapters). That is because while Tzuyu and Dahyun have known YeonYeonYoung since they were all kids, Jihyo is a fairly recent introduction into MiSaMo’s life having met them three years prior. It is also because Tzuyu and co. are tightly knit but Jihyo and Sana often had worries over their place in Momo’s life regardless of Sana being her sister and Jihyo being Momo’s first friend in Korea (I’ll show that in later chapters also, but you can see Momo’s attachment to Mina more so than you can for the others).

Nayeon, Dahyun and Mina are similar by the way that they play the blame game with the respective liable party. They need someone to blame and they choose wrongly. Nayeon, of course, being the extreme one of the bunch. Her blame is irrational but she doesn’t think that it is because someone has to suffer worse than her for Chaeyoung’s death (she does eventually learn that if Jeongyeon is to blame than so is she but that won’t be until nearly the end and the consequences of everything won’t ever really touch her). Dahyun’s blame is irrational and she like Nayeon is not aware but she knows nothing would be gained from hurting Jeongyeon and it is simply not in her personality. It also helps that she could see the consequences of Nayeon’s blame up close and personal, i.e. chapter three. Mina’s will be explained in about five chapters when she meets Nayeon, but for the sake of discourse: her blaming Sana is basically a fleeting thought. It lasted maybe up until the funeral, if that, because she was aware that it was irrational. It did no good to blame her. She benefitted in no way, so she just simply let it go.

Momo and Chaeyoung are slightly similar as ghosts the difference is you see what Momo went through, through Chaeyoung but Chaeyoung has the advantage of learning with Momo’s help as opposed to Momo who met her own mentor in her first week without the mentoring part. A parallel is the fact that Chaeyoung as a freshly dead person still addresses aspects of herself in present tense versus Momo who does so in past, i.e. the discussion of age and with stuff in later chapters.