“Just a memory of you is not enough. I wish that I took more photographs of us.” – Photographs | Professor Green feat. Rag’n’Bone Man

Momo | November 8, 2018

It had been awhile since she had been cognitively conscious of her surroundings; and the first thing that Momo was aware of was the colorful and vivid lights that danced along her sight. She blinked back at the intrusion, regardless of the fact that the tiny constellations still remained.

She groaned to herself and closed her eyes, moving sluggish arms towards her face in the process. She pressed the palms of both of her hands to her eyelids in the hopes of dispelling the lurid bursts of colors.

She dropped her arms to her sides, letting them bounce off of whatever surface that they landed on. She opened her eyes once she thought that the dots of lights would be expelled from her vision and was relieved that they were.

She let her eyes roam her surroundings, focusing on the white glow in the dark stickers that were strategically placed on the ceiling. Scanning her eyes along it, she took in a different constellation than the one before. This one made up the familiar constellation of Boötes – which indicated that she was not only in her apartment, but her room.

(Constellations were a shared interest between her and her sisters and each had their favorite plastered on their respective ceiling).

It had actually been awhile since she had been in her room post-death. She usually draped herself over the foot of Sana’s bed or tucked herself into one of Mina’s gaming chairs whenever she felt the need to rest.

But she had never felt her current level of exhaustion before and she supposed that saving someone’s life would take a lot out of a form made entirely of energy.

(She hoped that said woman was doing okay now – and Chaeyoung as well).

She was glad that she had at least found some way to end up in her room after the entire ordeal was over. She’s not entirely sure how she managed that but she’s thankful nonetheless.

She stretched her body out along the couch in her room, listening to her joints stretch and snap with the action. Settling back down, she could hear the familiar rumblings of noise that followed one of her sisters around like a shadow.

She could hear Sana yelling just outside of her door and the pitter pat of her feet on the hardwood – as well as that of two tiny animals following in her wake.

“Hey, Mina? I’m going to meet Jihyo for a late lunch,” came the pitched voice. She was answered by the sound of a door opening and a much softer voice drifting out from said room.

“Okay. What time are you going to be home,” Mina asked with each word sounding closer than the last. The soft padding of her feet could be heard and if Momo cared to look, she could see two sets of feet outside of her door.

“It’ll be somewhere around dinner time. What are you up to today,” Sana asked her in return.

Any answer was temporarily halted as the sound of something smacking the surface of her door echoed through her room. Momo stifled a chuckle at the sound of a whiney sounding “ow” that she knows came from Sana.

(The older woman tended to put on her socks as she walked to the front of the apartment and almost always crashed into the wall or other surfaces).

Her muted chuckles escaped her as the sound of Mina’s own laughter rang down the hall as she struggled to ask if the older of the two if she was okay. She was answered by a petulant sounding ‘I’m okay’ as the now eldest child repeated her question.

“The usual, hanging around here. I’ll probably take the dogs for a walk later, your son has been restless all day,” she finally answered, laughter curling around her first few words.

Sana could be heard giggling slightly at the comment and the knowledge that Xuxi was currently weaving in between both of their legs as Ray watched from down the hall.

Momo zoned out a bit with the sounds of Sana and Mina walking down the hall settling as muffled background noises. She considered what to do with her day. She didn’t know if she wanted to trek out to find Chaeyoung or nose around with Sana and Jihyo.

She settled for staying in, she was still kind of tired anyway.

She shuffled on the couch in her a room a bit before rolling off of it entirely. She was completely unbothered by her body connecting to the floor with a thud. She rolled around a bit out of pure boredom before laying on her back, staring at the ceiling – eyes tracing the stickers in a habit of peace.

The sound of her door creaking open brought her attention to. She propped herself up, leaning back on her palms as she watched a tentative Mina stand at the door of her room.

The younger woman entered the room and looked around as if she hadn’t been there in months – which was probably true. She walked over to the recently abandoned couch and unknowingly stepped on Momo’s ankle.

The non-corporal woman narrowed her eyes at the foot that essentially whooshed through her own before turning entirely towards Mina’s direction.

The younger woman was searching the wall that was littered with Polaroids from throughout the years, analyzing them with determination in her eyes that Momo hadn’t seen in quite a while.

She watched as her baby sister nodded to herself before muttering something under her breath that even she couldn’t hear in the stillness of the room.

The embodied woman moved to stand on top of the couch so that she could grab one of the higher placed photographs, standing on her tippy toes to do so. After grabbing one that Momo couldn’t really see, she dropped down to the couch below her feet and sat down – allowing herself the time to look at the photo in her hand.

Momo couldn’t see what the photo was but she could read the inscription on the back of it. In stringy Japanese written by a much younger Momo, it read: Okaa-san took this photo of us the day that we were adopted. It’s been 4 years since. I’m happy. The caption punctuated by a crooked smiley face as a stopping point.

A smile grew Momo’s face as she knew exactly what photo it was. Said picture came into view as Mina flipped the Polaroid over.

In the photo was a five year old Mina and a soon to be six year old Momo and Sana. Mina was in the center of the photo with Momo on her left and Sana to her right. The older duo were bent down slightly – because Mina was extra tiny as a child – and kissing either side of the girl’s face.

Sana had a kiss pressed to Mina’s cheek and had a peace sign held up to the camera by her left hand that was hovered above her head.

Momo had a kiss pressed to Mina’s temple – it was a move familiar to them both as Momo would always kiss her head in situations that could unnerve the younger girl. She held Mina’s left hand with her right and connected her free hand with Sana’s as they rested their intertwined hands across Mina’s stomach.

There was also a party hat on Momo’s head because she and Mina were adopted on the day before her birthday.

Momo’s smile was soft as she gazed at the photo and it became decidedly softer at the sniffle that had left Mina. The entirety of the younger woman’s face was rapidly becoming red and her eyes became watery.

She stood up abruptly and let out a sad chuckle before holding the photo close to her chest – where her heart was located.

She stared at the decorated wall a little longer before she stalked away towards the door to leave the no longer lived in room. She threw a glance at the bare wall that used to be obstructed by Momo’s bed.

(They had sold said bed in the hopes of cleaning out Momo’s room, but they never got the heart to remove the decorations and intricacies of the room).

Momo’s eyes trailed after her form in longing before she aimed her gaze to the photo filled wall. A pang of sadness left her. She was good at navigating through others’ emotions but she was never good at assessing her own. So, she laid back down on the floor ignoring the impending sadness that she felt.

She hummed briefly to herself, some song that Sana once swore was the best thing ever. Her humming came to a halt at the sound of footfalls rushing pass her door. She was slightly alarmed before hearing Mina’s voice speaking out to the dogs to behave, the front door closing in her wake.

“Huh, well where is she going,” Momo muttered to herself as she got up in an attempt to follow after her. She made it to the front door before pausing for a moment to coo at the two puppies lying in front of it in a rare showing of patience.

---0---

Momo had found herself mindlessly wandering throughout town. She had lost Mina after spending too much time cooing at the two puppy, puppy pile by their front door. She did, however, find Sana and Jihyo in her place.

The couple were walking along the sidewalk, arm and arm with a bag sandwiched between them from whatever food place that they ate at. Momo had been trailing behind them for around ten minutes, the two strolling wherever and stopping to window shop at any place of interest.

Jihyo was talking to Sana – who was listening attentively, very engrossed with the conversation – with big hand gestures from her one free hand.

The younger woman would occasionally pause her hand movements to shield her eyes from the sun.

Momo chuckled at the sheer annoyance that she could feel radiating from the youngest as she walked closer to the two.

Sana got tired of Jihyo working so hard to combat the sun’s rays, so she paused the two of them in the middle of the sidewalk and slightly out of the way of everyone trying to get somewhere.

She unwrapped her arm from Jihyo’s – but still holding onto their leftovers – and stood in front of the younger woman, back facing. She bent backwards a little so that her head was blocking almost all of Jihyo’s line of sight.

Jihyo made an adorable static sound from the back of before her pearls of laughter could be heard bouncing down the street. She attempted to nudge Sana forward to straighten her back but the other woman would just pull backwards again.

“Stop it, you’re going to hurt your back,” she halfheartedly complained amidst her laughter.

Sana puffed out her cheeks in defiance before explaining in a matter of fact tone, “yeah, but you’d give me a massage until it stopped hurting.”

Sana’s own laughter joined the fray as Jihyo lightly jabbed her sides with a huff of faux annoyance.

Sana stood up straight but didn’t move from her position in front of Jihyo, still blocking her from the sun.

Jihyo, in turn, rested her head on Sana’s back and hooked her arms around the older woman’s torso, tickling her slightly before she left her hands still to rest flat at the sound of tinkling laughter.

“I forgot to ask at lunch but, are you doing okay today,” Jihyo asked as the duo resumed walking, waddling at a slow pace to compensate for having to walk together.

“We’re okay, I think,” Sana answered slightly unsure. Jihyo ran her fingers lightly across Sana’s stomach, waiting patiently for her to elaborate.

“It’s- Mina’s been kind of quiet for the last couple of days, more so than usual,” Sana began. Jihyo hummed into her back in acknowledgment.

“She’s been tip toeing around lately. I didn’t exactly expect her to be the happiest of kids considering the fact that today is what it is and tomorrow is too but, I don’t know. She’s just different somehow,” she finished, shoulders sagging a little in dejection.

Jihyo squeezed her sides before throwing out a suggestion, “have you tried talking to her? I know her and I know you know she’ll tell you if something’s wrong if you ask.”

Sana bobbed her head in agreement before answering, “I tried but she said that nothing was wrong. Usually I would take that at face value yet her eyes did that shimmering thing it does when she’s not telling the truth.”

There was a beat of silence before she added, “plus, she’s been so; what’s the word? Reluctant, I guess, to discuss anything about Momo that isn’t surface level. At best she’ll give out a sad smile, at worst she won’t say a word and ease out of the subject. And I let her.”

Momo perked up at the usage of her name before deflating slightly at the same moment. She very much noticed how Mina’s personality has been in regards to her since she died.

She instinctively tuned the pair out when she caught sight of a slightly hunkered down figure from the corner of her eye. Said figure leaving the nearby crafts store looked suspiciously like the current subject of Sana and Jihyo’s conversation.

If it wasn’t the walk that gave her away, it was the fact that she was wearing Momo’s frayed denim jacket – one that the three of them often took turns wearing.

It also helped that Mina had panicked slightly when she noticed Sana and Jihyo across the street from her and promptly headed within the opposite direction.

She considered following her, after all she was looking for her when she stumbled onto Sana and Jihyo. However, something in her told her to leave her be and she did just that.

She tuned back into her surroundings in time to see the adorable couple waddle their way into a nearby bakery.

---0---

Some hours later, Sana walked into their apartment with a bag of leftovers and a box from the bakery in tow yelling for Mina. She – and Momo – quirked an eyebrow when the sound of a resounding thud floated to their ears from down the hall.

Mina came into the foyer – excitedly yapping puppies in tow – with a disheveled appearance. Her sweater was on inside out, her hair was untidy and band aids littered both of her hands.

Momo considered stalking towards the messy looking woman’s room. Sana had the same idea as a teasing, “is there a boy in this apartment” escaped her lips.

The comment was met with a whining Mina and a disgruntled answer of “no.” Sana chuckling immediately at the displeasure on her little sister’s face.

(If they were younger, in a reaction learned from Momo, she would have kicked her leg in discontentment).

“It’s not anything like that,” Mina began in a voice coated in faux annoyance. “I had to change my shirt and I didn’t know if Hyo came with you so I was in a rush. Plus, I tripped but it’s fine and- why are you looking at me like that?”

Sana schooled her knowing face to one of nonchalance, “looking at you like what Minari?”

Mina narrowed her eyes at the change of expression on her sister’s face, “like you don’t believe a word out of my mouth.”

Sana snorted out a laugh and moved to grab one of the younger woman’s wrists before speaking, “I do. But, you only ramble when you’re hiding something. I know you’ll tell me whenever you’re ready, so I won’t press you on that.”

Mina’s eyes softened at the considerate response from her sister, pouting slightly – as she does with any display of cuteness from either sister.

Sana cooed at the adorable face and pulled her in for a hug. Mina nestled her head against the crook of Sana’s neck as the eldest of the two swayed lightly side to side.

She pulled back from the hug after a moment, but left her arms wrapped around Mina for a second, “Jihyo and I brought you something.”

Mina quirked her eyebrow in question but only watched as Sana untangled herself from the remainder of the hug.

The older woman moved to grab the bakery box that she placed on the end table by the couch. She started talking as she gathered the box and searched around in the drawer for a lighter.

“I know neither of us really feel like celebrating a thing this year for the very obvious reason that three became two. But, I couldn’t with good conscience not celebrate today even if it’s nothing but sadness looming around us.”

Mina gazed at her sister standing in front of her with an opened box filled with three cupcakes with several emotions swimming in her eyes. Her favorite cupcake – chocolate banana cream – was situated to the left, Sana’s equally cavity inducing mud pie cupcake to the right, and Momo’s modest oreo cupcake in the middle.

There was a message scribbled on the top of the box in pretty but slanted written Japanese:

I know it’s different this time around, and it will be for the remainder of our years, but I am still as thankful for you as I was almost two decades ago. I’ve loved you ever since you gave me your cookie on the first day we met with a soft “Mo-chan said cookies are how you make friends.” I love you baby sis (+ Momorin too). It’s you and I until we have nowhere else to be. Happy Anniversary, Love Satang.

Mina’s eyes watered half way through the intricate passage and she was trying everything in her to not break down over a small group of cupcakes. However, all was lost with a simple look at Sana whose own tears were traveling down her face.

Through her slightly blurred sight, Sana placed a candle on each cupcake and lit all of them but the middle one. “I’ll light Momo’s in a few hours for her birthday,” she said in a watery tone.

“Make a wish,” she whispered out.

The duo made their wishes to themselves – centered on childish wants and impossible thoughts – before blowing out their respective candle.

Mina took one look at Sana and gently grabbed the box from her hands. She walked over to their kitchen and carefully placed the box down on their counter when she did. She then turned around and walked briskly back to her sister, engulfing her into a bone crushing hug when she got there.

The air was filled with the sounds of two people breaking and rebuilding their hearts all at once. And the pang of sadness that Momo felt earlier returned tenfold. She couldn’t do a thing but stand in the middle of the room and watch them both with her own watery eyes.

She watched as Mina fisted the back of Sana’s shirt in an attempt to ground herself.

She watched as Sana locked her arms around Mina’s neck, cheek rested on the younger woman’s shoulder.

She listened as Mina wept and Sana’s attempts of soothing her were hindered by her own sobs.

And it hurt.

After ten minutes or so of crying, Mina finally pulled away from Sana before looking down at her feet. She started harshly wiping at her face and muttered something to herself that neither Sana nor Momo could strain themselves to hear.

Sana stepped up to Mina, pulling her hands away from her face before she hurt herself. “Hey, stop that,” Sana told her, shushing her as she did so.

“Sana,” Mina spoke, voice straining against her. “Can I show you something?”

Sana squeezed the hands in her grasp in acknowledgment and nodded as an okay.

Mina removed her hands from Sana’s grasp before intertwining one of their hands together as she led them to Momo’s room.

When they got to the closed door, Mina took a nervous breath before leading them both into the room. Walking into the room with all puppies – including Momo – in tow, they stood in the center of the aforementioned woman’s room.

The two oldest sisters gazed at the wall that used to be completely bare in astonishment.

Like the wall parallel to it, the wall was covered in photos. However, instead of it being various Polaroids detailing many things, it was numerous photos creating one singular picture.

The picture was of the three sisters of them plus Jihyo when they had went to Jeju Island in the summer of last year. They were on an overlook with a purple and orange sky as their backdrop for their mostly silhouetted forms.

Momo had an arm slugged around Sana’s neck, bright smile on both of their faces while Mina was draped around Jihyo in a sad attempt of a piggyback – one foot was on the ground while the other wrapped along her best friend’s waist – with their own happy smiles in place.

(It was a picture perfect photo, which was ironic considering that Mina toppled her and Jihyo forward after the photo was taken – the piggyback didn’t go well – and Sana started yelling due to the chokehold Momo gradually pulled her in).

It was perfect, it was them and it was Momo’s favorite photo.

“How did-,” Sana started as she turned briefly towards Mina before her eyes floated back to the sight in front of her.

“It took, a while, a few days just to get the photos right. That’s why I had been kind of aloof for the last few days, I was trying to keep it as a surprise. I’m sorry for worrying you,” Mina answered.

Sana met her eyes before leaning forward and kissing her on the forehead, “it’s okay Minari. You did well.” She pulled one of her sister’s hand in her own, scrutinizing the bandages on her fingers.

“It wasn’t without a few paper cuts, but I wanted to do this for her. I remember when she had first got into photography, she had said that she wanted to blow up a picture like this,” Mina started.

She got suddenly shy before asking Sana in a quieter than usual whisper, “do you think she would like it?”

Sana blinked back to the wall before pulling Mina into her side, “she’d love it.”

Momo nodded in agreement as she stood to the corporal duo’s left. She looked at her sister’s hard work on something that she did solely for her.

She thought back to the cupcake Sana had gotten her for two days that she’ll never get to celebrate again.

She thought about every single thing that either of her sisters had done for her since she met them individually and together.

And for the very first time she felt the gleaming loss of a life that she could not live with them anymore. She felt like she could feel everything and nothing and she absolutely hated it. .

---0---

Momo’s day started off with her looking at the constellations that dotted across her eyes and decorated her ceiling and she would end her day looking at the ones that festooned her sister’s ceiling.

(Mina’s constellation was Cygnus, also known as the Swan. It was very fitting. Sana’s was Delphinus, Latin for Dolphin. Fitting for her laugh, ironic in lieu of Momo’s death).

She was lying on Mina’s bed with the woman next to her in a position long familiar to all four of them – Jihyo had joined them that night.

The sisters would pile on either siblings’ bed in a pattern that was never changing regardless if one of them were missing or not. The spots were reserved for them anyhow.

Mina would sit cross legged in the space to Momo’s right – although she was laying down this time. Sana would rest her head in Mina’s lap if the younger woman was sitting up or lie on top of her as she did now.

Jihyo’s position depended on the same. If Mina was sitting up and Sana was lying between her legs, she would lay her head on her girlfriend’s stomach with her legs dangled over Momo’s, usually tangling together in some odd fashion at some point. If the positions were not that, she’d lay on Momo in a way similar to Sana with Mina.

(Momo usually proceeded by remarking that she was stealing Sana's girlfriend and press light kisses over Jihyo’s face until one or both of her sisters punched her in the arm – it was usually Mina with a bored “stop giving my best friend your cooties you weirdo” following behind).

Today, she was tucked into Mina’s right side with a hand sleepily carding through her hair.

Mina lolled her head to the side – past Jihyo’s hair that she was messily running her hands through – to look at the alarm clock on her nightstand. She had to narrow her eyes past the oreo cupcake with a no longer burning candle resting on the table in order to read the big red numbers of: 12:08am.

She looked down at the two figures crowding her space and listened to the sound of both Ray and Xuxi snoring from their places on the floor. She could hear the slight grumbling from Sana – because even in sleep, the older woman was still not silent – and the light breathing from Jihyo.

She turned her attention to the left of her, where Momo would have been – where she was.

“Happy Birthday Momorin,” the younger woman whispered out, closing her eyes as she did so. Momo cooed at the sleepy woman and smiled at the “I love you” given to her through a yawn.

I love you too, always. Thank you for everything. She said in reply before going to sleep herself.