I Love You
A few hours later

It wasn’t as if Seulgi believed in everlasting love.

She never used to fantasize about finding “the one” when she was younger, at least not as far as she could remember. When she saw romance movies about a couple fighting and getting back together, especially after some grand gesture from the man’s side, it didn’t leave a huge impression on her. Sure, it was entertaining to read and watch the ups and downs, and everything in between, in relationships. She found it amusing how they would cry their hearts out after their love turned sour, or how they would risk it all for one person’s love and affection.

When it came to Seulgi, however, she rarely saw herself in those situations. She couldn’t go as far to say that she was never going to fall in love, but she didn’t think much about it in her life. Of course, she has had the occasional crush, but nothing more. She’s had casual flings, some were better than others, and she’s had her fair share of bad experiences she quickly tries to shake off her mind.

Back then, she didn’t know much about being truly and desperately in love as she had seen in movies and read in books. Hell, even when she wrote her own stories and edited them, her characters seemed to have experienced more love than she ever had at the time.

Then came Joohyun.

It was a surprisingly warm spring day, when Seulgi had barely gotten her bags in the university’s dorm. She hadn’t even seen her room, because she was too distracted from meeting some of her friends from class, but she remembered seeing from the corner of her eye that another new student had moved in. At the time she recalled a short figure with dark brown hair and a gray coat walking up the stairs, her hands were very petite. She quickly learned from the landlord that it was her new roommate, an exchange student from Seoul. It was funny, as her mother is Korean, and she hadn’t met someone else from there in a long time. Though she didn’t see much more, she had no idea why that intrigued her so much at the time.

Then she remembered Joohyun standing by the table, trying to stumble through foreign words in a soft voice with a heavy accent. When Seulgi went up to talk to her, she didn’t expect much, only to make things easier for her.

Though, when they locked eyes, she remembered thinking she was very pretty. Maybe beautiful, with her hair effortlessly falling into place as she tucked a few strands behind her ear. She hadn’t seen anyone liker her before, almost as if she was a model of some sorts. Yet, instead of feeling intimidated, she just felt excited talking to her. It was an unusual feeling for her, wanting to get to know somebody as instantly as then.

Still, even if the excitement felt good, it also felt weird. She couldn’t explain how, and to this day she still can’t put it into words. She wanted to know Joohyun, but she also felt compelled to keep her distance at the same time. Maybe she was scared? She had never felt something like that for anyone before.

Even as their feelings grew for each other, when they were sitting at the boat down the narrow rivers taking pictures and goofing around, she still felt conflicted. Especially when Joohyun had taken a picture of Seulgi zoning out and leaned closer to show her, she almost wanted to embrace her.

She only got the courage when they had gotten tipsy on the bridge. Her warmth made her wild nerves instantly calm down, despite her stomach feeling something akin to butterflies. Her heart was pounding hard, yet at the same time she felt at ease. It was only then she realized that she must have been in love with her. From one simple hug, she felt too many emotions for her poor brain to register, and for a split second, Seulgi thought to herself that this is it.

Seulgi was beginning to fall for Joohyun. She realized it as clear as day that night. She might have been intoxicated, but she couldn’t lie to herself anymore then. She wanted Joohyun as much more than a friend, but she had no idea how to go around it.

She remembered trying to play it cool afterwards, in case Joohyun didn’t reciprocate those feelings. Still, when they got home that night and the warmth of Joohyun’s lips grazed her cheeks, she knew somewhere deep down that the feelings were mutual.

That was how their love story began. Underneath cherry blossoms and the cool breeze coming through their window as they lied tightly together in a single bed. Small gestures underneath tables and shy voices slowly turning more comfortable with one another.

When Joohyun journeyed back to Seoul, she didn’t want to admit to herself that Joohyun took a piece of Seulgi with her. That even though she managed to fill her days with meaningful moments, her pages would still reflect the obvious longing towards Joohyun and what they shared during that short year.

As she realized how deep her feelings ran, she moved to Seoul to be with her. Taking that leap of faith, even wearing the skirt she borrowed from Joohyun and never returned, despite the sad memories. She hoped that Joohyun would feel the same way, even if there were no guarantees that she still wanted Seulgi after all that time apart.

Yet, Joohyun did, said she never forgot and that in the end it had always been her.

Seulgi felt like a fool then, thinking about the past flashing so vividly through her mind. How every character in her novels had some part of Joohyun in it. How she felt as if her own story couldn’t be complete without her. At least not fully.

Only the pitter patter of the falling rain keeping her at bay, the sound bouncing from her umbrella. The gray city was slowly losing life by the bad weather, people rushing inside shops and homes to avoid the rain. Her eyes looked at those familiar streets she rarely walked alone. That didn’t help her hopelessness.

It wasn’t over – not yet at least. Still, she knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

Mindlessly wandering around the big city, earphones plugged in with a song she was barely listening to, she felt the cold wind hit her face. Harsh, filled with raindrops and made her entire body shiver. Her destination was unknown, she just needed to get out of the hotel room before she would go insane.

Joohyun gave her the rest of the day to figure out her feelings, and also to let them cool down. And if they both came back to the apartment before midnight, then it meant they both were willing to try again.

A sigh escaped Seulgi’s lips, wondering if this was the right way to do it. Was love supposed to be this complicated?

It isn’t a definite goodbye yet, but also not necessarily forgiveness.

Seulgi walks around the neighborhood, and she glances down on her phone to see the time. It had been a few hours, and it kept on raining. The sun had set and left darkness in its wake, fog surrounding the entire city.

Maybe it was for the best… maybe she shouldn’t return.

Joohyun might be better off without her.

The music switches to a different song then, a soft guitar with a voice singing along to another ballad.

"As if it was destiny, the day I met you
You greeted me with a smile that was as warm as spring
That’s how our love path began
Our secret path filled with cherry blossoms"

Something about the lyrics awakens a sense of hurt in her, despite what usually was a love song. Almost as if something were tugging onto her chest, thinking about the words that vividly painted the images of their memories together. Everything from the way Joohyun smiled at her to the time they moved in together. How Seulgi could just utter a single word and have her laugh until she cried, or how she knew just where to touch her to make Joohyun feel at ease from a stressful day.

Seulgi doesn’t have it in her to cry anymore; maybe her tears were already dried up for the moment. Still, the familiar lump and the heaviness on her chest rest upon her body like a burden she doesn’t know if she will recover from. At least not until a while.

Can she live without Joohyun?

People come and go all the time and the end of everything is always inevitable. Nothing is forever, and neither are they. That is what her logic side is trying to convince her of, at least.

Still, the thought of the end lingers in her mind. She doesn’t want to move on. She doesn’t want to live a life without Joohyun in it. She never wanted to in any way, shape or form. So how could she be so stupid to let this happen?

Why isn’t she back with her?

“Do you remember we crossed our fingers
And you promised you would stay by my side?
Holding you in my arms on that first sleepless night
Hearing your shy voice”

The lyrics fade into the background then, and it’s almost as if in that moment Seulgi doesn’t think. Because she doesn’t have to think about it anymore. She knows what she wants.

Instead, she runs.

Her legs carrying her body through the concrete of the city, cutting through corners and barely having the breath to mouth out apologies to passerby’s. Her lungs screaming for oxygen, the burn running from her chest to . She was definitely out of shape, the pure adrenaline and need to see Joohyun the only thing keeping her going.

She suddenly feels her feet come to a sudden halt as she stares into the door in front of her. It was just a large piece of wood. Still, it was separating her from the only one she wanted to see. So, she knocked, trying to maintain her strength so she could be heard. Her hands almost feeling as if they are about to fall off by the speed, the franticness of needing to see her.

Joohyun’s voice keeps speaking through her mind in a haunting voice. “But when, or if, you come back I might not be here anymore,” rings through her ears. It makes her want to scream, and even if it’s only been a few hours, the thought still makes her want to fall apart. She had thought about it, dreamt about those words, wondering if it was as ultimate as she feared.

There is no answer. Joohyun isn’t home.

When the ringing in her ears subside and her brain finally catches up to where she is, and what she is doing, her breathing is heavy in the air. She almost bends down to let herself catch her breath; she wants to cry.

Is this really it?

“Seulgi?” Joohyun’s voice sounds surprised, the pitch of her voice altering a bit.

She was still there. She hadn’t left.

Seulgi wasn’t sure if she was to be relieved or not, but for now she just takes in the moment. Joohyun approaches her then, and they both stand in the hallway of the apartment complex. They aren’t very close, but she can still smell the faintness of her perfume barely making its way through her nose, see the pale pink lipstick, the way her dark hair was tied up in a loose ponytail… how she looked so tiny in that big coat, her hands barely visible. If it were a different time, Seulgi would explain how adorable Joohyun looks right now.

She must have been taking a walk too. Maybe to also clear her mind, it was something they usually did together after stressful days.

The silence lingers before Joohyun only lets out a sigh but doesn’t ask any more questions before coming over to unlock the door. Seulgi expects her to close it, but she leaves it open, almost as if to say she is allowed access.

Hesitating, but still wanting to see her, Seulgi steps inside the apartment. She spots the leather gloves that she forgot are sprawled over the table by the door, and a pink keychain next to it that Seulgi gave Joohyun as a joke many years ago.

She hears Joohyun walk around the kitchen. Seulgi takes off her shoes and removes her jacket to walk towards said room, seeing an unphased Joohyun. Even though Seulgi knows by the way her brows slightly furrow that she is in deep thought, or at least is feeling more than she is trying to let on.

“Are you okay?” Seulgi asks then, though it is a dumb question. She doubts either of them feel fine.

A cupboard door closes, and another one opens. “I’ve been better,” she informs her shortly as she starts organizing the spices. A habit she had whenever she was nervous or deeply thinking about something. She lets herself pour some water into the kettle, probably going to have some tea, and lets it boil.

Seulgi nods slowly, even if Joohyun can’t see it. “Does this mean you still… want this?” Seulgi asks then, her heart beating intensely underneath her shirt. If it were possible, she was sure Joohyun could have heard it.

Joohyun doesn’t say anything, but she does close the doors to the cupboard eventually. In a split moment she turns around to look at her, their eyes meeting for the first time in a long while. “Sit down with me,” she says simply, but it’s not hostile. It’s soft in a way, almost reassuring Seulgi even if it’s not much.

They sit down by the couch, Joohyun with her tea and surprisingly she gives Seulgi her coffee. Black and hot, just the way she likes it. The warmth of the drink spreads through her hands, but she has no desire to drink it. is so dry that she probably should, but she can’t get herself to.

A few moments pass by. It’s hard for Seulgi to figure out what to say. She had the perfect speech and words all running through her head in different scenarios on the way. About how she was a fool, but she still believed they could make this work. That she loves her and that nothing can stop her from being with her and how she hopes Joohyun thinks the same.

Technically, them both being here, doesn’t mean the end yet. Still, she knew they had to have some uncomfortable discussions before they could really decide.

Reality was different, and her insecurities came crashing down on her. The actual possibility of her being rejected, thrown out for good, was too much to handle. “I’ve been thinking,” Seulgi begins.

She doesn’t come far, however, before Joohyun puts the cup down on the coaster of their coffee table. “So have I,” she replies back. A moment stills between them again, but not for long. “Seulgi, I just don’t…”

Oh no, she can already hear it. The words of their ending, the fact that maybe Joohyun had been having different thoughts. About saying goodbye, really thinking this was the time to put an end to everything.

She wants to tune out everything else she is about to say, but she knows she has to listen, even if it might hurt.

“I just don’t know,” Joohyun tells her as they sit next to each other. Her hands fall onto her lap, lightly brushing off the dust from her black pants. She doesn’t look at her. Maybe she is too scared to. “I know we both are here, and I do want to believe things will change,” she says before taking a deep breath. “Even if I know you and Jisoo was just one big misunderstanding, it still doesn’t change the fact that we have been growing apart lately,” she continues.

Taking a deep breath, because that is all Seulgi can do in the moment, she tries to think of a response. Any way to tell her that she should reconsider. That they should be together. That she has learned now and wants to try again, even cutting out Jisoo from her life if that was needed. She wants to plead to her that she will change, and it won’t just be some promise she can’t keep. How she will spend more time with her, be more attentive, more understanding…

Yet the words remain behind her lips, slightly chapped and probably lightly bleeding from the way she bites onto her lower lip. All the thoughts in her head, all the memories of their years together flow through her mind like a time lapse of pictures only for them to know. Hidden touches and smiles in public, Joohyun’s soft laugh during nights of intimacy, the small scar on her hand after they tried to pet a stray cat and failed miserably… small things like that would now have to be memories - not steppingstones into their future anymore.

She doesn’t want that.

The silence stretches on. It doesn’t seem like Joohyun has anything left to say. Only the faint echo of voices from the radio remain. Seulgi almost chuckles, even now Joohyun still keeps the radio on at all times. How it hasn’t broken from overuse yet is a mystery.

A song starts playing, familiar chords echoing from the kitchen to the living room where they sit. It doesn’t take long for her to recognize the familiar voice. The song she heard earlier, the lyrics that took her back to the beginning…

“I love you
Those are the words I want to say to you
Calling you over and over
Even if I am a fool
I want my honest feelings to reach you”

It’s so simple, the words she wanted to say to her. Yet she couldn’t get herself to, it felt so complicated. Everything she wanted to convey was right there in the song lightly playing in the background.

Joohyun looks up at her in that moment. In a way it almost feels as if she understood, even though Seulgi could never be too sure. Just looking at her, the slight shadows underneath her eyes indicating the lack of sleep and the red corners of her lips, seeing the way her hands touch each other as if to hold onto herself…

Seulgi barely manages to speak, her voice sounding dry and hoarse. Yet, she still powers through it. “I know that what I did was wrong in so many ways, and I haven’t been making things easy on you,” she says then.

The woman beside her doesn’t say anything, just her eyes fixated on her. It’s not enough. They both know that. “But I still think we can get through this, if you just let me try to fix things, if we could just talk about it,” she feels her voice nearing a plea almost, the shakiness and her hands begin to tremble. She can’t remember the last time she was this nervous.

Joohyun, who still isn’t saying anything, looks away from her then. The song keeps playing in the background, cars start honking outside as they hear the city come to life as the sun begins to set. She twitches her lips, it’s as if she wants to say something but can’t find the words. At least, that was a habit she had for many years.

“Then talk,” she suddenly says after a while of awkward silence. The tension still lingers as she says the words. It feels as if she’s about to say more, yet she doesn’t.

Seulgi swallows then, trying to find the words to say again. If this was what she wanted, it was now or never. “I love you,” she says sincerely, not something she said often. Not because she didn’t mean it, but it wasn’t really a phrase they said often around each other. She does love her, everything about her. Flaws and everything, that is how she is and Joohyun is the woman she loves.

The look in her eyes leaves Seulgi unsure about what Joohyun is about to reply, but she keeps on speaking, nevertheless. “I’m not saying it as a cure-all to everything we have been through, I know I messed up and we both have things we have to work on,” her voice feels a bit shaky. “But I will try everything, and I mean everything, to make this work if you still want to be together,” Seulgi goes on, finding the strength to hold onto Joohyun’s hands. They are warm and almost sweaty, but it still feels good to touch her again.

She looks into her eyes, who holds an unreadable look. She then tells her how she noticed Joohyun being stressed, how she seemed to want to spend less time with her and found herself going to Jisoo to give her space. Not realizing she maybe gave Joohyun too much space. “If you want me to cut Jisoo out of my life I will, I will be more serious and open about everything that is going on, I won’t keep anything important from you,” she almost feels herself rambling. “I’ll beg if you want, I’ll say what an idiot I am because we both know I am,” she continues. She is begging already. Yet, it is true. She really does want to salvage this.

She sees Joohyun’s throat contract a bit, as if she’s about to speak but can’t get the words out. Her gaze is still a mystery to Seulgi right now, and she can’t pinpoint any specific emotion. Not a single thing that could reveal what Joohyun might be thinking.

After a while, the words that come through her lips leave Seulgi’s chest heavy. “It’s not enough, Seulgi,” she says then. Still, she doesn’t let go of her hands. For a second Seulgi wonders if Joohyun even notices that they are still intertwined. “I want to say that it is, that I will just forget all about it and everything will be fine, but how can I be sure either one of us won’t screw up?” she asks rather seriously, and for a moment, Seulgi sees the hurt flash through her eyes. Fear and anxiety, thoughts and questions about what if.

She wishes she could magically take it all away, but she knows that she can’t.

Only thing she can do is hope that they both want the same thing.