42 days earlier

It’s late in the night with dark clouds looming over the city, when Joohyun feels her eyes groggily open. When she grabs her phone, the sharp light glaring onto her tired and oily face making her wince, it’s only three in the morning and way too early for her to get up to work. Thinking this would be the perfect opportunity to just bury her face back into the pillows, she stops short when she notices that no one is in the bed beside her.

It’s not unusual for Seulgi to stay up late, and besides, she is probably still working on her book. Even then, something alike a knot sneaks up Joohyun’s throat. It’s barely noticeable, but she can still feel her chest heave a bit even if she is certain that Seulgi is in the apartment. It keeps her eyes open instead of closed, her head just looking up at the ceiling which becomes easier to see when her sight adjusts to the darkness. She counts the seconds in her head, thinking that the next number would make her fall asleep again. However, her chest still feels tights, her hands tingle as if they were going numb, and dries up.

This isn’t going to work, she thinks to herself before slowly getting up. Just get a glass of water and you’ll be fine, she tells herself softly. You’re just anxious because of work tomorrow, she assures herself because it is true – there is a lot going on in the office that needs her undivided attention. A lot of her co-workers were getting let go because of budget cuts, so everybody had to do their best to avoid being the next one out. It made the working environment tense, and it would make sense that the tension would follow her until everything would stabilize itself again.

A deep breath escapes her lips, and slightly tickles by the dryness of . You’re just anxious because of work, she reminds herself. It’s not because of the woman who isn’t next to her. Seulgi is here. Seulgi is writing on her book. Joohyun doesn’t have to worry about her.

Her feet pad softly onto the wooden floor thanks to her fuzzy socks, thankfully not making a lot of noise so she doesn’t disturb Seulgi who is probably deep into her writing. She approaches the kitchen soon enough, but before she can cross the few steps from the hall to the sink, she hears a voice talking. It’s obvious who it is, and the sheer surprise of hearing that voice makes Joohyun stop dead on her tracks.

“Still not getting anywhere?” Jisoo asks, and from the way her voice is disoriented, she’s not in their apartment at least. That thought makes Joohyun ease her breath a little, but it’s still not steady enough to be normal. Her head decides to take a peek, only meeting Seulgi’s back illuminated by the screen of her laptop. The lights are otherwise off, only a couple of streetlights and neon signs illuminating through the living room in the dark of the night except for her computer. Joohyun can’t see much of her screen, only a few spots of dark hair and pale skin with bad pixilation. However, it’s clear that Seulgi is talking to Jisoo through Skype.

She spots Seulgi shaking her head slowly. “I’ve been trying,” she mentions briefly. Her hands then adjust the lazy bun on top of her head. “But whenever I look at the document, my mind just goes blank,” she continues. “Even on the good days when I manage to write something, I just can’t help but look back and notice how… bad it all is, like a kindergartener could’ve written this mess I just made,” she admits.

Then she goes on to tell her about how writing came so easy for her just a few months ago, but recently everything just came to a halt. Seulgi doesn’t let on as to why it suddenly changed, how her creative mind just turned blank. Maybe because she doesn’t know why, or maybe because she doesn’t want to say it out loud. Joohyun can only speculate at this point.

“I mean, I thought even with everything going on it would at least make me write about how I feel, but even that doesn’t seem to work,” she mentions after a while. Joohyun hears the sound of a drink being sipped, and the clink of a cup meeting the coffee table.

Another moment passes by. “Are you talking about what happened with your editor?” Jisoo pauses and some inaudible sounds passes through. It takes Joohyun’s ears to really concentrate about what is being said next. “… I mean he could have made you feel like this?” she then hears Jisoo say after a while of what sounded like gibberish for Joohyun.

Joohyun feels utterly clueless now. What incident were they talking about? What about her editor, anyway?

Seulgi swallows a bit loudly, something she does when she gets uncomfortable. “I don’t really want to talk about him right now,” she mentions curtly. Then that is that, and Joohyun has no idea what is going on. It makes , what she thought was impossible at this point, even drier. Her heartbeat rings onto her ears, making her nerves tingle even more prominently as if the adrenaline was rushing in her body. Had she been harmed again? It was the first thought that entered her head.

“It was only a grab,” she then says after a while. “At least someone came into his office before anything else could happen,” Seulgi continues. It doesn’t take long for Joohyun to add the pieces together, and it makes her knees almost want to drop. She understands then why Seulgi didn’t want to be touched this last week, but Joohyun had been too busy with work to really understand why.

It makes her sick, her stomach wanting to throw up from the sheer thought.

Joohyun can’t see Jisoo’s reaction, but she’s probably listening, not knowing what to say herself. A hum escapes from the speakers of the screen, and even if the volume is set pretty low, the silence otherwise still helps Joohyun listen to the conversation. She retracts her head back, however, deciding she probably doesn’t need to listen to this anymore before she might burst into tears – even if nothing comes out.

Despite it all, it hurts her a bit that Seulgi went to Jisoo with this instead of her. It’s not inherently wrong to vent to your friends about how you feel or what is going on, especially with incidents like that which should have gone to the police. However, she can’t help but be surprised that Seulgi doesn’t share this information with Joohyun as well. She’s not dumb, she knows that Seulgi has been struggling with pressure from herself and the critics, but she didn’t know it was going that bad. And she did notice how she didn’t want to be hugged as long or inappropriately touched without warning (which she used to love until recently).

She doesn’t even remember how she got back into bed without being noticed, because her body felt as if it was carrying a thousand bricks and her mind was preoccupied with everything she just heard. When she plopped herself onto the bed, she didn’t know what to think then. Maybe it was her fault, not paying enough attention or doing anything.

But even then, she still selfishly thinks that it still feels wrong that she had to eavesdrop to know this information, instead of being told directly by her own girlfriend.

The only thing that eases her is that tomorrow they had planned on getting dinner at their favorite bistro, so maybe they could talk about it then, just the two of them.

When the next day arrives with Joohyun waking up, less groggy then earlier, Seulgi is already asleep beside her. Judging from the glass of water, which still looked fresh, it probably wasn’t a long time ago since she went to bed. However, Joohyun doesn’t want to bother her or risk waking up Seulgi, so she quietly gets ready and heads out to work. Making sure to wear the blouse that Seulgi likes on her and to pack the red lipstick she liked into her purse to wear later. A small smile escapes her lips then, remembering Seulgi saying red always made her lips stand out in a seductive way.

She forgets to kiss Seulgi on the cheek. She usually does that, but she tells herself that she didn’t want to wake Seulgi or make her uneasy.

Nothing much happens at work that day, only the usual grind, but it leaves her body tired and muscles slightly sore from moving around so much compared to the usual routine. She couldn’t wait to get into the restaurant and order a glass of wine, already feeling water a bit by the thought.

She gazes into the mirror in the restroom at her work place. Adjusting her blouse, she takes out her purse to reapply her makeup and adorn her lips with the bright red lipstick. Carefully making sure she doesn’t smudge her lips or looks like a clown.

The door opens as heels click onto the tiles, and she finds Jennie approaching, casually looking over at her from the mirror with a hint of a smile. “Hot date tonight?” she asks then. Something is shaky about her voice as she speaks, almost emotional.

Joohyun doesn’t understand how she picks that up but decides not to comment on it. “You can say that,” she replies before putting her makeup away in her purse. But she doesn’t make an effort to leave yet, instead grabbing her brush and deciding to make her hair less tangled from being up in a bun for too long.

“Have fun,” Jennie says briefly, not really in a positive or negative matter, before looking into her own purse with eyes concentrating on finding something.

Joohyun eyes this from the mirror showing them both underneath the fluorescent lights. “Digging for gold in there?” she asks teasingly.

The other woman chuckles softly, and it seems a bit more genuine than her previous smile earlier. “Might be too much information to mention what I’m looking for,” she says then.

Joohyun rolls her eyes. “I hope you don’t have a gun in there,” she says while her fingers glide through her long hair. For a brief moment she wonders if she should get a trim soon. Then she looks over at Jennie who is still looking, and only then does she notice a shadow of dry tears. It really isn’t noticeable in any other angle than the one she is in right now. She wants to say something, but if Jennie wanted to talk about it, she probably would have mentioned it.

Jennie shakes her head then. “I hope you don’t find this awkward,” she mentions then. “But it’s that time of the month and I can’t find my… stash,” Jennie continues and looks down a bit embarrassed.

A soft smile escapes Joohyun before she places a small pouch on the counter by the porcelain sinks. She always keeps stuff like that in handy, anyway. Being a woman isn’t always easy, and maybe that could explain the tears. Probably a build up of stress and hormones going crazy – Joohyun had a tendency to be a mess during that time of the month, too.

A small thanks emerges from her lips before she takes the pouch and disappears into a stall. Joohyun isn’t sure if she should still converse with her while she’s doing her business, but she doesn’t have to think long before Jennie speaks through the door that separates them. “Why do we women have to go through this stuff, anyway?” she asks, probably not looking for a reply, but just wanting something to say.

“Amen to that,” Joohyun replies before putting her brush down in her purse. She then grabs her phone to check the time, realizing she’s running late by almost ten minutes. She doesn’t want to keep Seulgi waiting and zips up her bag. “I gotta go,” she says. “You can just put the pouch on my desk,” she ends before almost running out the door and into the cold.

When she finally arrives and enters the glass doors to the restaurant. She patiently waits by the sign that suggest they wait to be seated. Already from the entrance she notices how the place is packed with groups of friends and couples, all in their own world and conversing with each other. It creates a buzz throughout the area.

The host finally arrives, and Joohyun mentions their reservation. As the man looks down on his iPad, he lets out a polite smile before tapping on something. “Your other party hasn’t arrived yet; do you still want to be seated or wait by the bar?” he asks her.

Joohyun feels a bit bewildered and confused. She’s nearly twenty minutes late, and Seulgi still hadn’t arrived? She double checks the clock hanging on the wall behind the host, which indeed shows she is twenty minutes late.

She looks back at the host then. “I’ll just be seated now, she will probably be here soon,” she says before the host grabs two menus and leads her towards a table by the window surrounded by flowers and a glowing candle light. It was their favorite table as the plants made it feel as if it was more secluded from people. Joohyun sits down and the host puts the menu nicely on the white table, explaining that their waiter would be there shortly to take her order.

She nods politely before grabbing her phone – no missed calls or texts from Seulgi. It’s too late for her to still be sleeping, she thinks then. However, it could still be that she overslept and is still getting ready and is too stressed to call. Joohyun then scrolls down her contacts before hitting the call button on her phone, her fingers too cold to bother texting as they hadn’t been warmed up yet. The line rings for a while, but there’s not reply except for her voicemail.

This is Kang Seulgi, I can’t come to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll call you back.

Her familiar voice rings into her ears, and it bothers her that it isn’t her saying hello. However, she leaves a short message saying she’s there and waiting. For good measurement, she sends her a text as well before placing the phone on the table.

A few minutes tick by, still no reply, and the waiter arrives with some water. “Would you like to order anything to drink while you wait?” he asks then.

She orders a bottle of wine that they both like, the waiter nodding before leaving her alone. The dim light makes the setting feel warmer, and seeing the couples seated around her, it feels very romantic even if it’s just a normal Friday night. Her thumbs start twiddling on the hem of her blouse as she awkwardly looks around, sitting alone while waiting for Seulgi to arrive.

With every gush of wind coming from the open door, she turns around, only to see people she doesn’t know. Seulgi doesn’t arrive even when the bottle is on the table, or when the waiter comes back to ask if she wanted to order despite being alone. Joohyun checks her phone too often to be healthy, but her emotions had grown from slightly annoyed to pure worry. What was going on? It’s not like Seulgi to be this late and not tell her the reason why. Sure, she had her moments when she would be slow in replying to her texts, but this didn’t seem normal.

When the waiter comes back for the third time, she almost feels to embarrassed to speak or admit that her date may have forgotten. At this point she could just come to terms with that Seulgi wasn’t coming anytime soon. She’s not really sure how to feel as she doesn’t know the reason yet for her girlfriend’s absence. It’s best not to jump to conclusions.

Her eyes drift towards the window, watching people pass her by. Some are alone with their heads down their phones, others hold hands and whisper to each other as if they were the only people in the world. This makes Joohyun roll her eyes, though she remembers perfectly well how that feels being with your loved one in an infatuated state.

It doesn’t take her mind a long time before she drifts off to memory lane, her hands holding onto the wine glass that spins slightly by her absentmindedness. Back to when dinner dates weren’t a thing yet; even before they began dating officially. The sight of narrow rivers, Japanese bridges and trees hanging over them with leaves brushing against their hands if they reached them just far enough from the wooden boats. She remembers it then:

Seulgi explains the scenery around them, about how history had people live here and make their livings here. How they built multiple bridges mostly for people to cross through, but also for aesthetics as well. She even points out a few special trees and plants that people say mean different things, yet the definition changes from person to person, so one never knows. While Seulgi informs her about its history, Joohyun also finds time to take pictures. All from the sun reflecting on the river, to the leaves falling above it, and the old bridges ahead. She even takes pictures of her shoes as she sits inside the boat. Her phone moves around a lot, focusing on the right details and finding the right light.

It’s only when she turns around to take a picture of something to her left, that she notices Seulgi looking straight ahead. For a moment, Joohyun almost forgot that she stopped talking for a bit. Instead of guiding her, she only seemed focused on whatever was in front of her, a faint smile playing on her lips. Her fingers are tangles up in the hems of her gray sweater, probably unconsciously. Dark hair falls behind her shoulders, yet some still finds its way to her fair face. Without thinking, or even looking at her phone for that matter, Joohyun clicks the button which saves the moment. She captures the sun and shadows surrounding Seulgi, all the way to small parts of the river and nature visible in the background. The picture wasn’t perfect; Seulgi’s face is just too bright that it almost appears as if her eyebrows and lashes are missing. Still, it’s a memory that Joohyun has a feeling she won’t forget. Although, as of now, she doesn’t seem to know it yet. Seulgi turns around then, before making a grimace with her tongue sticking out and her nose crunched together. Joohyun laughs while taking another picture. “You are such a lovely model,” she comments as she locks her phone and tucks it away.

The dark-haired girl flips said hair a little comically. “I am the best of the best, obviously,” she jokes around.

It doesn’t take long before her thoughts get interrupted by somebody leaving the table beside hers. The movement of chairs and wallets being grabbed along with coats reminds her that she’s not in the past anymore. The bottle is almost half empty already, and she figures she isn’t that hungry, anyway. She signals the waiter for the check and pays before this gets even more depressing for her. Besides, it had gone almost an hour with no reply from Seulgi, so she might as well go home than take up unnecessary space and have the waiters talk about how the woman got stood up.

When she walks out of the restaurant, it’s still pretty early in the evening. Maybe she should get home since it’s freezing and the wine on an empty stomach makes her head a bit fuzzy, but she fears that if she goes home to an empty apartment, she might break down of worry and anxiety. Maybe it’s better not knowing, she tells herself as she walks down the street slowly. She’s not in the mood to go home yet, anyway.

A door opens in front of her, and the scent of freshly brewed coffee lingers through the air she steps into. She still isn’t particularly fond of the burnt taste that lingers on the tongue or the strong scent that makes her stomach ache slightly, but it still reminds her of the person that didn’t show up in a way that isn’t filled with contempt. Rather, it reminds her of how the aftertaste of coffee lingered in their kiss every morning before she went to work… At least when they used to kiss often without reason.

Joohyun isn’t sure why she enters the diner, because she wasn’t in the mood for anything to eat or drink. Yet she finds herself standing there, scanning the room absentmindedly before she sees a familiar brunette sitting on a booth by the corner, back faced towards her and a MacBook on the table with a tall glass beside it, probably containing an iced coffee.

It’s a bit awkward given the situation, but she decides that she’ll try not to wallow in self-pity or be rude if the other woman notices she’s here. With casual steps, she approaches the woman before she stands next to her, not thinking about what to say or do, just hoping she’d notice.

The woman has her ears plugged in, probably listening to music as she types away on her laptop. Joohyun doesn’t have it in her to pry, so she studies the long strands of chestnut hair and the white shirt tied together with black buttons. She finds the courage in her to nudge the person’s shoulder for attention, and with a swift removal of one ear bud, the woman turns around to greet her. Joohyun hopes she isn’t annoyed, but the smile that then meets her makes her worries go away. “What a surprise to see you here,” Jennie says then, before gesturing Joohyun to join her. “I thought you were going on a date?” she continues asking.

The said woman sits on the couch facing her, putting down her purse beside her and placing her coat on top of it. A frown threatens to leave her face by the word “date”, but she doesn’t want to show too much emotion or make the atmosphere uncomfortable, so she holds it in. “Something came up,” she lies then, though for all she knows, it might be true.

“Oh, what happened?” Jennie asks before placing her earbuds away and promptly shutting down her laptop. Joohyun doesn’t know why the action surprises her, even though it’s common courtesy. She’s probably so used to seeing a laptop open that seeing it closed was entirely different.

Joohyun shakes the thought away, thinking about what she can say without revealing too much. However, the wine had a mind of its own. “I don’t know,” she says honestly. “She just never showed up,” she admits without much thought about what she just said and instantly regretting it.

It wasn’t so much that Seulgi never showed up, even if that felt pretty ty too, but she never really talked about her relationship with others. Mostly because she knew people would look at her a bit weirdly for living with a woman, even if most people in her job knew. The only reason she feels like she hasn’t gotten fired for it or a lot of judgement, is probably because her boss is pretty liberal in a sense. Still, she never talks about her girlfriend unless needed.

She has to admit as she sits there that her social life was pretty bad, knowing that the only people she really talked to where those at work, and even there she really only talked to Jennie. Or at least, it was more comfortable to talk to her than others who just seemed to keep their conversations with small talk. Joohyun is a private person herself, but she likes talking with Jennie. Maybe something is about her vibe, as kids nowadays say.

“You don’t know why she never showed up?” Jennie asks then, and she’s not being rude, but Joohyun finds the question uncomfortable. It doesn’t sound good, not knowing why your girlfriend never showed up and for some reason not being more than annoyed. Maybe because Joohyun has a feeling that Seulgi is fine, even if she probably should worry.

Joohyun shrugs. “She’s working on her new book, sometimes she drowns herself into work and forgets the time,” she makes an excuse then. She finds herself twiddling with her thumbs. “It’s fine, really,” she assures Jennie the moment she feels a worried look go her way.

The woman above her only smiles, even if it feels a bit pitiful. Joohyun doesn’t really like people showing pity on her, but she lets it slide as a waitress asks her if she wants anything. Ordering a cup of tea, she looks back at Jennie hoping to steer the conversation somewhere else. “What were you doing before you got here, anyway?” she asks while looking at her laptop.

Jennie goes on to explain how she couldn’t finish her reports in the office because she couldn’t concentrate and doesn’t like to bring work back home. “It’s my sanctuary one can say,” she explains while sipping her coffee. “I try not to bring stress into it,” she continues. The way she speaks is very soft yet clearly audible, relaxing Joohyun and almost makes her forget about everything that had happened these next few days.

Their conversation moves from everything and nothing, about dating and work, gossip and preferences in life. Joohyun even finds herself laughing about an anecdote Jennie told her about this guy she dated back in college, who would call her crazy despite him being the one doing weird stuff.

It’s so nice chatting to someone and being social for once, that Joohyun doesn’t even notice how late it has become and more people were leaving the diner. Though it is a 24/7 open shop, so there’s no rush to leave, she does begin to notice that the shrinking amount of people should signal her to go home.

When she says this to Jennie, she simply smiles. “We should hangout more often,” she offers. Usually, when people say that it’s an empty promise to sound polite. But the way her eyes glimmer seems sincere, and it makes Joohyun smile back because she would actually love that.

“Sure,” she accepts then as she grabs her coat and purse, not bothering to check her phone as she’s only a couple of minutes away from home. “I’d like that a lot,” she continues as she buttons up her coat. As she adjusts the purse to her shoulders, she realizes Jennie is still sitting there. “Are you going to stay longer?” she asks then.

Jennie nods softly. “Still got a lot of work to do,” she sighs before stretching her arms a bit. “But I’ll be fine, you should probably get home and check if Seulgi is there,” she reminds her about her girlfriend then, which hadn’t been a subject in their conversations. It’s not in a rude manner, again, but Joohyun couldn’t deny she had a good time not thinking too much about her and everything.

Joohyun only nods in reply, bidding goodbye before walking back home. It doesn’t take her long despite how dark it is and cold wind gushing against her, but when she unlocks the door and heads in, she feels a relief of warmth enter her body. Slowly, she takes off her coat and shoes, lightly checking around if Seulgi is home.

Said woman is sitting on the couch with her phone in her hands, seemingly unbothered with her feet on the edge of the coffee table. Two glasses of wine are on the table, two bottles of wine already consumed. It doesn’t take long before Joohyun notices lipstick marks on one that isn’t fully empty yet. “What did you do today?” Joohyun asks then, leaning on the wall as Seulgi still has eyes on her phone.

When she looks up, a smile enters her face as if everything was normal. “Not much,” she says then before placing her eyes back onto the screen. She’s busy typing on her phone, probably texting somebody, and Joohyun doesn’t even need to guess who it is at this point.

“Did you forget something?” she pries then, wondering if Seulgi is going to get thinking about something she should’ve done. She didn’t seem to notice Joohyun’s blouse or the red lipstick on her lips, or at least she doesn’t comment it.

Seulgi is still on her phone, only shrugging. “I’ll take the trash out later,” she mentions then. As if that was the biggest thing that slipped her mind.

It really makes Joohyun tick, her anger bubbling up rapidly with each second Seulgi spends texting on her phone. However, even despite this, she’s not in the mood to argue or cause an uproar. Seulgi has had a tough time, it’s natural for her to forget things…

Joohyun eyes the lipstick stain on the wine glass again, not taking a long time to notice that she had seen that shade of pink on somebody else recently. Maybe that was the last straw, knowing that Seulgi definitely wasn’t drowned in work, but rather drowned in somebody else’s company. The anger she didn’t want to portray doesn’t seem to want to hide, her cheeks growing hot and her fists clenching so much she can feel her nails dig into her skin.

“Are you serious?” she asks so loud that it almost makes Seulgi drop her phone, the disbelief in her voice making her nearly crack. “You don’t have single clue about what you forgot doing today?” her voice grows louder, and she knows already that she needs to calm down, but she doesn’t want to. It’s not fair that this is happening. It’s not okay. It makes her feel furious.

Seulgi still seems confused. “Was I supposed to do something?” she asks back, and she really does seem to not understand what is going on. It almost makes Joohyun feel bad for yelling, because people do forget things, and she could’ve forgiven it if it wasn’t because of what she thought it was.

“Did you have a visitor?” Joohyun just asks instead of anything else. She barely noticed how she now is standing straight with her arms crossed together.

The other woman nods slowly. “Jisoo got a promotion, so we celebrated a little,” she mentions innocently enough. As she adjusts her legs away from the table and places her phone away, she simply looks at Joohyun as if she’s gone crazy. “You’re seriously not gonna tell me I can’t have people over, right?” she asks with a nearly sarcastic tone then.

Joohyun doesn’t even know what to say anymore, just takes a deep breath, wondering if she is better off just going to bed and forget this whole day. But being passive aggressive doesn’t really help in this situation, and she can already feel a familiar knot signalizing angry tears that she doesn’t want to release. Instead, she simply tries to clear her thoughts. “That’s not the issue,” she mentions then. “I just hoped you could have at least remembered to show up,” Joohyun mentions then.

She wonders if Seulgi understands what she’s talking about, but apparently, she doesn’t. Seulgi just gives her a confused look.

“Our date,” Joohyun says explicitly. “You forgot our date because you were busy, I don’t know, chatting some chick up in our apartment,” she mentions the word she probably shouldn’t have said because even in this state it just sounds petty and out of line. It’s not like she even knows what happened between them, and maybe she just hurt their relationship.

It’s oddly silent, so much that she can hear the fridge vibrate and the wind blowing outside. Seulgi just looks at her with a blank stare, but there’s underlying anger and disbelief in it as well. Making Joohyun feel pretty ty despite her own rage.

Seulgi stands up then, still looking at her, and it takes a moment before she speaks. “I don’t know what is going on with you,” she mentions then. “Yes, I forgot our date and that was wrong of me not checking your messages or answering the phone, but it was on silent, and the notifications didn’t show up when I checked now,” she explains calmly. “I swear I am not doing anything with her, we’re just friends and we ended up having one too many drinks and I forgot to check the time. I’m really sorry and I know what I did was wrong,” she admits, but she doesn’t seem finished or contempt. “But assuming I’m cheating on you is going a bit out of line, and you weren’t exactly in a hurry to find out what I was doing,” she mentions fairly calm.

Joohyun just stands there again, not really knowing what to say because Seulgi is right, despite it still being a very bad situation.

The other woman steps closer, and surprisingly puts her hand on Joohyun’s shoulders, making the shorter woman nearly flinch by the sudden touch she didn’t expect. “I swear nothing happened, I love you… Only you,” she says the magic words that are supposed to make everyone feel better, or so she’s heard.

However, Joohyun still feels as if her head is in a daze and that the uneasy quivering in her stomach isn’t calming down. When she tries to swallow the thoughts away, she can’t stop herself from asking a question that couldn’t be taken back. “How can I know you only love me if you seem to spend time with her more than me?” she asks with a shaky voice. And she doesn’t even mention the conversation she heard earlier, knowing that Seulgi was holding back more than just affection from her.

It’s not like she can admit to breaking her own privacy, anyway.

Seulgi only sighs before removing her hands. “You just have to trust me, Joohyun,” she says almost as if she’s tired and done, even if it hadn’t been a long conversation.

“Can I?” she asks then, before turning around and walking towards the bedroom just wanting to be alone and not think about this anymore. However, as she shuts the door, she can’t help but hope Seulgi will follow her. Will hold her and tell her everything will be okay, kiss the doubts away, and prove to her that Joohyun didn’t need to be scared that Seulgi might fall in love with someone else. Because she wouldn’t, she couldn’t just leave Joohyun and everything they had behind…

Could she?

That was the first night Joohyun didn’t fall asleep instantly because her mind was so occupied with everything, even to the point that she didn’t really bother to check on Seulgi or make things better through a conversation. She just wanted to be alone, and so she was, trying not to let it bother her that Seulgi never came into bed. Even when she finally fell asleep and woke up a few hours later, she walked out the living room to find Seulgi gone… And Joohyun already knew that wherever she went, she probably wasn’t alone. Maybe it was that moment that made Joohyun realize she might have that bed to herself for a long time, half of the clothes in their closet would only be hers, and there would be no sound of soft typing on a laptop or warm hugs during the night.

She remembers crying in the middle of the living room that morning. Even when Seulgi came back, Joohyun felt the shift so hard that she felt the awkwardness surround them for a long time to come. She would also be lying if she said she got over the anger that day, just waiting for Seulgi to get up and leave, if that was what she really wanted. Even if Seulgi asked her to trust her, swearing nothing ever happened between them, she still had her doubts…