Tired feet drag themselves against the sluggish snow of the city, gray streaks covering the white flakes that fall over her. The yellowing street-lights cast shadows around her, a car on the road beside her begins to honk furiously, probably pissed off from the line despite it being the evening. A million thoughts circle around her head, all about work and daily life and how she wonders if she sinks into the snow, she will forget what it’s like to feel so jaded.

The wind blows harshly on her bare knuckles as she holds them together, her pockets too small to contain her hands. She thinks quietly to herself that she needs to invest in a new coat when the next paycheck comes through, and some gloves while she’s at it. She also thinks about how the warmth inside might make her feel better, but the thought falls short with a sigh, even though she’s not sure why.

Her nearly frozen fingers manage to locate the keys in the pocket of her pants, the rustling echoing through the city-commotion as she unlocks the door. The cold wind enters through the hall, bringing snow and ice trapped beneath her boots. She’s fast with shutting the door before rushing up the stairs to her apartment.

Though wanting to get inside and warm herself some soup, she finds herself standing still by the door. A sigh escapes her chapped lips, odd but not unheard of these days, before she opens the door.

It’s quiet inside, only the faint sound of boiling water and the radio filling the apartment with overplayed Christmas music. The smell of spices and hot tea fill the air, already recognizing the scent of freshly made beef-stew simmering in the kitchen. She shrugs off her coat and places her boots in the shoe rack, keeping her head down and hoping she can enter the living room with some peace.

A bright voice greets her then, hands stirring through pots as the music keeps on playing. “You’re just in time, dinner’s soon ready,” Seulgi says over the steam coming from the oven. A bright and sort of obnoxious apron is wrapped around her body, showcasing snowmen and reindeers and red noses.

Joohyun isn’t sure why she’s cooking to this extent, because she’s more known to fry some eggs and bacon and call it a day, but she doesn’t ask. Instead she lightly hums before her left hand switches the radio off.

She spots Seulgi nearly stopping what she’s doing, but she quickly resumes. “Why did you turn off the music?” she asks then while stirring into a pot. There’s a straight line forming on her lips.

Joohyun wonders what that’s about but shrugs instead. “It’s annoying,” she says bluntly before leaning onto the countertop. She looks down at her own finger-nails, wondering when the last time was she got them properly cleaned.

Silence stretches on for a couple of seconds. A finger glides across the stove-top to turn off the power. “I just thought it would be nice with some music,” Seulgi says then, her voice sounding a bit different than her cheerful greeting.

Joohyun doesn’t feel like continuing the conversation, instead looking around the kitchen, thinking about everything and nothing. It’s silent, thank god, making her head less fuzzy and distracted from a million voices at once.

Seulgi keeps speaking then, mentioning something about “finally finished”. To be honest, Joohyun isn’t sure what Seulgi is talking about, her mind wandering everywhere else, but she emits the occasional hum and nod to prove that she’s “listening”. Assuming she’s talking about the food, she doesn’t think too much of it as she stands a small distance away.

The air falls quiet then, but it’s not as it was earlier. It takes a few seconds before Seulgi stops talking and turns on the radio again, another Christmas jingle blasting through the speakers. Joohyun finds her fingers instinctively turning the radio off, not wanting anymore noise.

She expects to find comfort again, but when the radio is shut off, she is greeted by faint sniffles. Her eyes look over to the woman standing by the stove, who has her lower lip quivering softly, and Joohyun nearly wants to roll her eyes because why is she crying?

“Why are you crying?” Joohyun finds herself asking what she was thinking, coming out a bit sharper than intended with a chuckle she didn’t even think she had. She doesn’t find it funny as she still feels the annoyance rapidly creep through her veins. “I just don’t want to listen to the same songs that have been playing since November,” she adds then before turning around to walk further into the living room.

Rushed steps follow her, socks padding on the wooden floor in such a decisive matter. “It’s not about the damn music, Joohyun,” Seulgi nearly whimpers out her name while raising her voice. “It’s the fact that you never listen or seem to give a damn about what I do,” she continues before standing still, a couple of meters separating them.

The said woman doesn’t turn around to look at her, but she can see by the window reflecting them, that tears are glistening down her cheeks. She feels something lightly clench in her chest but swallows it away. She’s not apologizing over such a trivial manner.

Joohyun doesn’t really have anything to say, because she’s not sure what to reply. Seulgi, on the other hand, apparently has a lot on her heart. “For weeks I’ve been trying to ignore your moody phase, but it doesn’t help that it feels like I’m a nuisance for you every time I enter the room,” she begins after a few second of silence. “I swear to God it’s as if I just breathe and you find me over-bearing and too annoying to deal with,” she rants with a strained voice judging by her shortness of breath. “I try keeping in my thoughts or talking too much afraid that you’ll start doing that damn sigh and stop replying to me,” she continues before taking a deep breath. Her throaty voice bounces through the four walls of the room. She doesn’t end the rant yet, however. “Do you even know what I just told you? That I finally delivered the last chapters to my editors that I had been stuck with for nearly four months and that my book can finally get published soon enough?” she ends it there.

A lump forms itself inside the shorter woman’s throat, only gazing at Seulgi’s reflection from the lamps and the window The truth was that she wasn’t paying attention, and to be honest, she barely remembered Seulgi was writing a new book. She’s not going to deny that lately her annoyance for everything has been increasing, or how she’s not doing as well as how she should be. Because, the truth of the matter is, lately she has been feeling like hell. Every day gets harder for her to wake up, the alarm blaring through the bedroom reminding her that sleep is only temporary. The daily grind keeps on waiting, her temper runs short, and even people close to her like Seulgi has been getting more on her nerves.

She’s not sure where this stems from. The only thing she knows is that it isn’t Seulgi’s fault, not at all, but her body still lashes it out as if it is. Sometimes it’s as if speaks before her brain even processes anything.

“Why do you think it’s my fault I’m like this?” Joohyun asks then, trying to keep her tone stable. “Have you ever thought that I might be acting like this because of you?” she continues before feeling her fingers almost clenching together as firsts. “Don’t you think that I just want to come home and not have somebody talking into my ear after a whole day of me listening to others speak?” she takes another breath. “Don’t you for a second ever think that I just need to be alone sometimes and not have you following me into every room demanding attention?” she says, finding it harder to stabilize her breath and her voice. She knows she’s hurting Seulgi, but she doesn’t find it in her to say anything else.

Another round of silence stretches through the room. “I would understand that better if you would just talk to me, Joohyun,” the other woman says her name again, softer than before, sounding helpless as usual. Seulgi fidgets with the hem of her ugly apron, and for a second Joohyun wants to just rip it off because it makes her even more aggravated. “I try to speak less, but I don’t want to walk around egg shells whenever I see you,” she continues. “I want to know what’s up  with you, what is good and what is bad, because I care,” she ends after a moment, seemingly having calmed down a little.

Joohyun doesn’t even miss a beat when she utters the next sentence, a low jab that she knows will make things inevitably worse. “Why don’t you go talk to your little friend if it bothers you so much?” she blurts before immediately regretting. She knows Seulgi is aware of who she’s referring to.

Seulgi stays quiet then, a new expression forming on her face that isn’t as easy to read as expected. Her hands instantly drop the edges of her apron to fall still beside her. Then, a short yet deep breath that makes her chest heave noticeably arrives. “Well, at least she replies my messages and seems to appreciate my company,” she retorts then with a nearly flat voice. It sends shivers down Joohyun’s spine, not originating from the cold weather outside.

“Go to her then,” Joohyun keeps on saying things she doesn’t really mean, not really knowing why. The anger in her just escalates to something she can barely keep up with. “It wouldn’t be the first time,” she says later.

The air grows tense, she can feel it in her body, but even then she doesn’t dare turn around. She’s not sure why she’s hurting her, why she can’t let go of her pride and just admit that it might be her own fault and not Seulgi’s. Sure, sometimes it’s hard to forget, but she thought she had forgiven her by now.

These days, Joohyun has admitted to herself that she has thought many times of Seulgi packing up her things and leaving. She has on more than one occasion, stood by the other woman, thinking about saying the words “let’s break up”. She knows that this can’t go on any longer, this unhealthy cycle of anger and doubts and over-analyzing every single detail about them, but she doesn’t want to.

She can’t help but hold on to the woman she met in Japan a couple of years ago.

The one who would sit by her in faded seats and eat snacks with her while the train would pass by. The woman who moved all the way out here to try again, despite not knowing what they really were at the time. She wants to be able to come home to see Seulgi writing in peace before making dinner, greeting her with a hug before talking about their day. She wants to go back to cuddles on the couch with a movie they watched hundreds of times before and take long walks around town before stopping to grab something to drink. She wants peace, happiness, contentment… everything that they once were only mere months ago.

She wonders if that happiness they shared was really gone or if it was just temporarily missing.
 

And the problem was, believe it or not, that they could still hold onto that happiness hadn’t everything just turned into this big mess. Harsh words, lingering doubts and their hearts hanging on by a thin tread has taken over their everyday life now.

“You’re even accusing me of something I told you I didn’t do,” Seulgi retorts then, before she spins around to untie the apron and put it away. “Well, good ing work Joohyun, you got what you wanted,” she continues vaguely. She leaves Joohyun’s vision behind the awning separating the kitchen and living room, only hearing movement. Soon enough, the sound of a zipper closing, and the rustling of clothes resonate though the apartment.

She finds herself walking to the hall, Seulgi already in her black coat and yellow scarf. “Where are you going?” Joohyun finds herself asking, not really wondering why she’s even asking.
 

Seulgi doesn’t look back at her. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” she asks back before lacing up her boots.

“It’s freezing outside,” Joohyun dryly mentions before already feeling her hands wanting to stop Seulgi from going. It’s not like she’s going away forever, or at least she hopes she isn’t. The bag in her hand doesn’t cover half the stuff she owns, but the thought of her being gone does leave a huge sting in , her stomach tying knots. “Stop being dramatic and take off your coat,” she mentions then.

Seulgi scoffs. “I’m being dramatic?” she asks back then. “You’re the one projecting a betrayal that hasn’t even happened,” the woman continues before beginning to hastily button up her coat.

“How do I know it didn’t happen?” Joohyun finds herself asking back, thinking about frequent phone calls and Seulgi walking to the other room to answer. Going back to constant texting in which she would tilt the phone away from Joohyun, so she couldn’t see, wondering what she was even talking about. Just then, a buzz echoes through the pockets of Seulgi’s jacket. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” Joohyun asks then, though it feels more like a statement than a question.
 

Her hands don’t reach for her phone as expected, however, as her gaze is set on Joohyun. It makes her a bit uncomfortable almost, but she figures she deserves the harsh glare, putting everything into consideration. Her anger had dwindled down by now, settling to a weird mixture of annoyance and sadness, regret even pooling in the pit of her stomach.

The look in Seulgi’s eyes says it all, but she soon parts her lips. “I don’t want to live like this,” she adds then. It doesn’t take a lot of words to get the message across, and though Joohyun can’t read minds, she has a feeling they’re thinking the same thing.

Thinking about how things ended like this, and where the happiness they shared took off without them at some point. Joohyun thought Seulgi was done crying, dry streaks of tears reflecting through the harsh light on the ceiling, and it almost makes Joohyun cry herself. Though, she holds the tears behind as much as she can. “Don’t you remember when everything was simple?” Seulgi asks then, probably not awaiting a reply. “Can’t we go back to that?” another question escapes .

Joohyun doesn’t know what to say, she only looks at the woman in front of her, wanting to switch back time herself. Before the stress, before Seulgi meeting her, before everything came crumbling down like an old building ready to give in. What made everything so complicated, anyway? What really made everything turn to the worst?

A glimpse of hope passes by Seulgi’s eyes, she’s probably thinking back to the past already, trying to see if there’s a hint of salvation in this mess.

Joohyun finds herself closing her eyes, and though it might only last for a second, it takes her back.

She finds herself standing by the wall of a party, her hands grabbing a glass of champagne, watching the elegant tuxedoes and dresses waltz around the room. Seulgi stands on the other side of the room on the way over, before bumping into a woman. Joohyun spots them sharing a short conversation, and though it looks innocent enough, something about the way the other woman’s eyes gaze at her irks her. How the way her long lashes and perfectly shaped eyes compliment her elegant smile, already reflecting into Seulgi’s face.

Maybe that’s where the trouble began.