[23]

“what would you be if you weren’t who you are?” i asked, out of nowhere. 

lisa and i were having breakfast together off of one plate; one hand holding the spoon, the other one holding hers. scooping pancake bites into each other’s mouths in between kisses and giggles. 

she turned her face towards me then started laughing softly, “where did that come from?” she replied, eyes half-closed, laughter still evident. 

“i don’t know, i just had a thought”, i said in response, smiling in her direction, “i mean, you can be anyone you want to be any time you want, pun intended,” i ended my statement, earning a sudden kiss on the cheek from the beauty beside me.

“you’re so cute”, she said, suppressing a giggle and possibly a bite of my cheek. she straightened herself up and looked at me intently; as if i was the mona lisa, or a mother-ing academy awards trophy. she took her time and waited until she was ready, and so i waited with her. 

“i think i would just be a blank canvas”, she finally broke the silence. 

“really. everything you could possibly be and you chose to be empty?” 

“i think that’s the beauty of it. you don’t have anything to hold in your hands that you could just lay them open and accept what kind of life a certain time would give you,” she said, looking at me, then glancing at the ceiling – sunlight creeping through the windows – then back at me.

 “you know what’s going to feel empty?” she continued, eyes fixated on me. 

i like how she looks like when she looks at things she likes, “what?”, i replied. 

she took a deep breath, “living all those lives without you.”

i froze, taken aback by what she said and how she said it.

i could feel my heart plopping down the floor, unleashing its own arms and raising it up in the air as it worships lisa and how she chooses to manifest her love.

“can i paint you?” was all i could say, and all i could do to try and reciprocate. 

“why?” she said in reply, still on a high by the triumph of what she said a few minutes ago. 

“just so i know what yo