Six
Between the PagesTo be honest, I thought Suran would get tired of me, especially after I walked away after our first date - well, technically it wasn't a date, since neither of us said it was... I was too scared to text her first, but I didn't have time to agnize over whether she would me text me. She did, that night I walked away. She asked if I was ok, she asked me to call her, she asked if I wanted to see her the next day.
I ignored them. I don't know why but even though I really wanted to answer, I felt like I would bother her. I remember how bothered my friends were, after Yoona's death. They became awkward, and after a year of it, I overheard them saying that I didn't let myself enjoy anything, that my grief hung over them all like a dark shadow. They said that it was like after her death, I was determined not to be happy. Haneul had said almost the same thing when we broke up. Suran already meant so much to me and I didn't want her to think the same of me, even though I felt like I didn't deserve anything good because of what I did.
Hoseok knows. He told me I had punished myself long enough, that Yoona would have hated it. He thinks I broke up with Haneul because I felt like I didn't deserve her... when the truth is that she just got tired of me, and I met Suran. There was never a right moment to correct him, so I didn't.
The next day, Suran texted me to hurry to her flat as soon as I could. Worried that something was wrong, I caught the bus and ran to her flat as fast as I could. When I rang her doorbell, she opened the door immediately and hugged me. I froze at first, but she held me tighter. She let go and looked at me almost tenderly, her soft hand touching my cheek.
"I'm sorry," I muttered, unable to meet her eyes.
"You should be!" She whacked my head and kicked me, but it didn't hurt. "Do you know how worried I was?! You idiot, you-"
I grinned, and we went inside. "Why did you ask me to come?"
"Because I worried over the way you just left, last night," she said. "Obviously."
"Why were you worried?" I murmured, not knowing where to look. So I looked at my hands.
"Are you dumb?" she demanded. "If I ran off like that, you wouldn't be worried?"
"I.. I would be, yeah..."
"So why did you even ask that question? Doesn't it occur to you that other people have feelings, that you aren't alone in what you feel for them?"
My heartbeat quickened. "I..."
Suran sat down on the couch, right next to me. "What are your feelings for me, Yoongi?" she asked, dead serious. "Come on, look at me," she said gently, after a moment of silence. "Why did you want to watch a movie with me?"
This was it. This was the perfect moment to confess.... but I was terrified she only saw me as a little brother, at most, and wouldn't want to see me again if I told her. At the same time though, I realized I should be honest since she was asking me right now, and I didn't want to deceive her.
Gathering my courage, I said in a low voice, "I... I really really really like you. As more than a friend, I mean... at first, you reminded me so much of Yoona, but now I realize that it was just because I saw what I wanted to see. Like, you're you, and every time I learn something about you, I like you even more..."
She laughed softly.
"What is it?" Was she laughing at me?
"I'm glad you don't see me as her anymore," she said. "I just want you to see me for me, and not as anyone else."
"I do see you as you, now," I said.
"I don't want you to think I'm your sister, come back, or anything..." she said, carefully watching my face for a reaction.
"I don't," I said quickly. "Really, I don't... I don't... you're really kind, and nice to me, and play the piano, but that's where the similarities end. You're you, and no one can ever replace anyone."
She smiled. "Good."
Another moment of silence.
"D-do you see me as a kid?"
Her eyes widened. "What on earth gave you that idea?"
"I don't know," I muttered, my face getting hot. "The way you pet my hair, buy me food, the way you talk to me really affectionately, and-"
"I do all that because I really, really, really like you. But not as a kid."
"Really?" I finally looked at her. She blushed, and we both looked away, both of us shy.
"Yeah, really," she answered.
We sat there on the couch, together, too shy to say more for a very long time. I felt like I was floating, was it possible to feel this light? Did I deserve it? Yoona once said that everyone gets what they deserve in the end, and it was our responsibility to hold on to it and make it work. I was going to try and make this work.
I brushed the hair off my forehead, and when I put my hand back on the couch, it touched Suran's. She didn't remove her hand - instead, she linked our fingers together and squeezed tightly. I squeezed back.
Yoongi smiled. He remember all this. He remembered their first kiss, the way he had shyly leaned close to her, and she met his lips. He remembered all the cuddles, they way they would nap together after she came back from her shift, too tired to do much else. He remembered cooking together, playing the piano together. He remembered canceling plans with Hoseok. He remembered telling her no, when she asked if he wanted her to meet his friends. He remembered telling her he wanted to keep her separate from his friends and family. She was like an escape...
He remembered how, slowly, she got more serious, she worked more. She was tired more, she was stressed more. He tried being there for her but it wasn't enough, and she began to ignore his messages for a few days. It turned him into a mess, bringing out his insecurities. She didn't like him anymore, she was burdened by him, he wasn't good enough.
But then she always answered in the end, and there were moments of bliss - cuddles, kisses, and so much talking. He began to cling to her more, waiting for her answers, her calls. They
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