She closed the door with every bit of hesitation trembling in her hands. Her cheeks were still streaked with tears but her eyes no longer cried. Sooyoung cleared and fixed her disheveled appearance, forcing herself to go back and act normally. Her normal, at least.

 

And her normal, was mysterious. Walled in, hidden. Not an open book, not even close. Head up high, never looking down. Posture straight, steps confident and unfaltering.

 

But she didn’t feel confident inside. Sooyoung felt broken, because everything she didn’t want happening, happened. The last thirteen minutes were playing back on repeat in her mind, reminding her of how much she had ed up.

 

And also, how much past memories hurt.

 

Without a second thought, Sooyoung dialed the familiar number. She was in need of her escape valve.

 

[...]

 

Sooyoung watched curiously as Jinsoul buttoned her shirt back up. She had this puzzling look on her face. Back when they first slept together, it was there; but this time, way more apparent.

 

"What is it?" Sooyoung asked, tired of the mystery.

 

"Nothing. You just called me suddenly, is all." Jinsoul brushed her hair back nonchalantly.

 

"You do that when you are hiding something from me. Come on, just come clean."

 

Jinsoul sighed. "I was just thinking… do you still..."

 

Miss her?, she didn't need to listen to the rest to know what Jinsoul was talking about.

 

"I'm over Jiwoo, if that's what you're asking."

 

Sooyoung turned away, afraid her face would give away her feelings. Yes, she was over Jiwoo - after all, years did pass by. But she couldn't shake this unsettling feeling from her skin. This chill-inducing sentiment that some things were still left unresolved.

 

"Don't you think it's time you actually talk to me, Sooyoung? Finally say whatever you've been bottling up for so long?"

 

Goosebumps spread through her back and arms, and she covered to stop it from moving.

 

"You have to talk to me. God ing damnit Sooyoung, I can't just be the toy you use and throw away when it starts bothering you."

 

She closed her eyes - which started welling with tears - as Jinsoul's words rang in her head. They were true, and the truth hurt; even more now when she was already at the brink, at the edge.

 

Sooyoung took a deep breath, blinking rapidly so the water would go away. "I almost killed her, Jinsoul. I'm a monster."

 

Jinsoul reached and touched her shoulder, but her touch wasn't comforting. "You wanted to help."

 

"But I didn't." Sooyoung muttered, brushing her hand away. "Thoughts don't matter. Actions do. I ruined her life."

 

"Do you feel bad? Hey, look at me," Jinsoul forced her to look up, at her eyes. "do you feel sorry?"

 

Her heart broke every time she thought about Jiwoo. "... yes," she breathed out, as hard as she could. It was only but a whisper.

 

"Then say it. Not to me, or even to Jungeun - even though she deserves it too. Say it to her, Sooyoung."

 

"... I can't."

 

Because seeing Jiwoo again would hurt too much.

 

"Okay, okay. Look at me. You're Ha Sooyoung. Not the CEO of Y Class, not the businesswoman. Ha Sooyoung."

 

It had been a while since she was Ha Sooyoung.

 

"Tell me about Jungeun. From Ha Sooyoung's perspective." The specifics made it harder, because the images now flashing were way too vivid and clear, colorful and happy.

 

As difficult as things now were, her feelings for Jungeun were the simplest thing to figure out.

 

"She's… she is special. She has all these quirks- like her way of always needing everything neatly arranged, or her smile- which is just the sweetest thing I've ever seen."

 

Just thinking about it made her smile. But it was bittersweet because she had hurt her too.

 

“Do you love her, Sooyoung?”

 

“I… I feel something. But I don’t know if it’s love.”

 

Jinsoul looked at her with graveness at this, but said nothing about it.

 

"You know it doesn't need to be. Nothing needs to be exact. But if you care about her, you should be doing this. You should be fixing things." Jinsoul sighed at the way her eyes darkened, and shook her shoulders once. "Yes! It will hurt! It's supposed to hurt! Wake up, Sooyoung! Wake up and face what you've done!"

 

She fell back as the words ran through her mind over, and over again. Her body was surrounded with water, and then, it made sense.

 

I'm someplace else. In the water.

 

Sooyoung started sinking down, not struggling at all as the water encased her, bubbles of air rising to the surface as she sank.

 

I'm drowning. I am sinking and drowning.

 

Her back hit the pool's bottom, and Sooyoung stuck her arm up as she started losing her breath. The surface seemed so far away, that it was.

 

Too far away now, she concluded, letting go of the weight in her body. But the memories exploding like fireworks wouldn't go away, no matter how much water she inhaled into her lungs.

 

The thought of Jiwoo crying again pulled her back to the surface. Because no matter how much evil she dealt unto the caramel-haired girl, Jiwoo would have never given it back; and more, she would be the one most sorrowful.

 

Sooyoung coughed out what felt like liters of water, brushing away droplets from her face as she catched her breath back again.

 

"I am going to regret doing this..." she muttered as she pulled herself out, drawing a plan in her mind.

 

But I am going to regret it more if I don't.

 

[...]

 

She breathed slowly to try and calm herself down. Her foot was tapping incessantly against the porch boards, and nothing would settle her heart into a more reasonable pace. She knocked on the door, rapping her knuckles against hardwood four times.