AUTHOR NOTES
Hi! Hello! I hope you are liking the fic so far. I still don't know where I'm going with this but I'm having fun writing it. I know most of my chapters are short but I prefer it that way. In this chapter, it's mostly Hongseok talking to his online friend and seeking his advice. He's trying to stay positive even though it's hard for him because he feels like he's betraying his friends by not being honest to them.
It was nice talking to Hui, to be able to relax and just forget for a moment about that horrible nightmare. His friend was always so supportive and caring, not to mention that he always knew what to say to make Hongseok at ease. They talked a lot, the older one updating him about everything that happened while he was gone. Most of the time they laughed at some of the situations boys got themselves into while they were either drunk or sober. Sometimes it seemed like they do more crazy things while being sober which was amazing in a way. Hongseok listened to every word eagerly, encouraging Hui to tell him more, obviously missing his friends and their silly adventures. He didn't even notice how fast the time passed, too engrossed in the stories the other one was telling him.
That night Hongseok went to sleep more relaxed, for the first time in a while feeling like he was able to breathe properly. He didn't have any dreams that night, waking up refreshed and content in the morning. Today is going to be a good day. It had to be. Today... he will finally see his friends again.
The morning was full of positive energy for Hongseok but as the day progressed, he found himself being scared again, negative thoughts invading his mind, thinking of the ways how to avoid his friends yet again. It was then when he remembered that one friend who he trusted from the gay website he used to frequent and he quickly made his way to the laptop, quickly typing the site address he already knew so well.
Hey! Are you here?
Woah! Look who is here! Are you okay? You haven't been online lately.
I know. Sorry about that. Hey... Can I tell you something? I need your opinion about something.
Is that a trick question? I'm kidding. Of course!
I had a nightmare some time ago. A really bad nightmare. I dreamed about my friends finding out about me being gay and I freaked out. I've been avoiding them ever since. One of them came to visit me yesterday and I thought really hard about telling him but I chickened out. I'm really afraid of them hating me if I tell them.
You don't need that kind of friends then. I mean, if they are going to hate on you just because you are gay...
Well, the thing is, I don't know if they will hate on me or not. I didn't tell them yet. I just... I'm so ing confused. I never had a problem with hiding but lately, it became hard. I think my consequence is working against me. We've been such good friends for years now and I guess I'm feeling bad about not being honest with them. Did you ever have that kind of problem?
Honestly? I don't have time to have that kind of problem. Between studying, working and hanging out with my friends it never crossed my mind. But then again, most of my friends are gay so I never really had a need to hide it. I'm sorry. Seems like I'm not of much help to you. I think it's always the best to be honest you know? But if you are not feeling comfortable telling them, maybe you should keep it to yourself for now? Or choose one person from your group of friends who you trust and confide in them?
Thank you.
YA! I wrote all that and all you have to say is 'thank you'??
I'm sorry. My mind is so full of everything right now. I'm trying to think who would be the best for it. But even when I'm thinking about it, I get this awful feeling in my stomach and it feels like I will throw up. I'm just so damn scared. It's not easy. I've been pretending my whole life around them to have interest in girls and now I need to tell them that I don't. I mean, it sounds so simple when I write it like this but it's much more complicated. They think they know me and suddenly it will be like BAM YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL MY WHOLE LIFE IS A ING LIE. Ugh... I don't know if I can do it.
Woah woah. Calm down boy. Take your time. You don't need to tell them right away if you don't feel like it, okay? Just... Why don't you put everything down on the paper? And see who is the person who would be able to understand you the most? I'm sure your friends will be supportive. And if they are not, I will come over and kick their asses okay?
Uhm... Thanks hyung but I don't think you would be able to do that. Most of my friends are tall. I mean much taller than you. I don't really see how you would be able to kick their asses.
Are you calling me short??????
Hahahahaha It's obvious from your pictures that you are short. And it says so on your profile :)
IHU. But hey, at least you laughed and that's a good thing! Keep your thoughts positive, okay? I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk to.
Yeah, I know. Thank you so much. I mean it. I have to go now! ttyt!
With that sent, Hongseok closed the website and made his way to the bathroom for a quick shower. He needed to make himself look presentable before going out with his friends. He could only imagine the comments that he would get if he appears being a mess he is right now. At that moment another kind of comments filled his mind and he quickly shook his head.
Keep your thoughts positive.
It's going to be okay. He doesn't have to tell them right away. Baby steps. He will take baby steps and see where they take him. He is still the same guy, nothing really changed. He just hoped that one day when he tells them, they will all be able to understand that.
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