Did you know how hard it was, to fall out of love with you? 

That was the last thing I told Lee Kwang Soo when he came back to me that night. Its been six months since we broke up. He had told me of how I was hard to love, and how much of a distraction I was when we dated. He was the one who wanted to date me, not the other way around. I liked him, of course - but it was purely a crush. But when he asked me specifically, that he wanted to date me, I said yes. Why wouldn't I? I had my eyes on him for a very long time. Only an idiot would say no. 

But as time passed, he made me look like I was a nuisance in his life. And he made me aware of that. Every plan I made was replaced with one excuse and another. 

And the cruelest part was, when he thought he found the one that he thought was worthy of his love, he left me hung and dry. 

So why are you here now? On your knees, begging for me to give you another chance. You don't know how you kept me up at night, making me wonder what I did wrong. What did I do wrong? 

I don't give out second chances.

When I woke up this morning, my stomach was in knots. I couldn't really focus on anything actually. And everything felt wrong in some point. My morning Americano tasted too bitter, my cat seems a bit moody and I left my car keys so I needed to go back upstairs to get it. I know fully well of why I am like this.

I was so nervous, when I first came to the first meeting. I remembered my manager telling me how he accepted it without asking me first was because: it was Lee Dong Wook. Eligible bachelor, model-turned-actor, the Nation's heartthrob. 

But the inner circle would always call Lee Dong Wook as a 'demon' that can bring in enough sales to make every single drama, a hit. He was not only good-looking, he had enough charisma to pull someone into his acting. You could see him once in a scene, and would be wheeled into his aura. He was loved, definitely. But he was one of the strictest actors in show business. He was committed, relentless and nobody could ever say no to him. Whatever he says, goes. And the reason why that is was because whatever he says, worked. 

In the first meeting, I was sitting right opposite to him. The first three hours was spent listening to him and the directors share ideas and reading through the script. I usually chip in, give my own thoughts and ideas. But this time, I was as silent as a mouse. I answered with one-liners and sometimes simply nodded. I spent my time trying to read him, trying to figure him all out. But he was the same as people depicted. Focused, charismatic, committed. The production director went through the budget, the script briefly, the shooting and the platform. I listened and jot down anything that I needed, and he asked a bunch of questions before I even needed to. The meeting ended after about 3 hours, and I told them I was excited to work with them all and for them to take care of me along the journey. They had asked me if I wanted to go have a drink, hang out and get to know each other - I declined. I had to shoot Running Man tomorrow. 

He didn't say anything to me. He didnt even look at me once after the meeting. He just sat still in the meeting room, reading his script with a mechanical pencil in his hand, sometimes scratching the back of his head. I read through the script, but I didn't go through much of the details yet. I bid goodbye to everybody. I approached him at one point, but stopped after taking a few steps. I'm not ready yet. Maybe later once we go through our script together with the team. 

I went back home, took a brief shower and snuggled into bed. I checked my LINE for any new messages. 

Lee Kwang Soo: you home yet? 

I dont have time for you. 

I went to sleep.