What have I ever reached in my life? 

I am 25 year old young woman, having a good job and earning my own money and yet, I am still living and sharing an apartment together with my mother. 

My mother raised me by her own, my father left after I was born but he st least paid for me so that my mom would not have to turn every penny twice to survive from day to day.  As far as I know, my mother and biological father had an affair and I was the end product out of their dangerous hidden love which made them break up lastly. 

My mother never questioned my father why, nor did she ever lose a bad word about this man and yet I could feel the painful hole in her chest. Could hear her endless cries and whimpers at night, soon to be killed by alcohol. There you have the reason why I love together with my mom. If I leave her, I knew it would break her and it would end in anything then good. 

So here I am with my age of 25 and living with my mother. 

After showering, I went to the kitchen to get myself something to drink before getting ready. I had to head towards work soon but I was perfectly in time. To my surprise, my mother was cooking breakfast - an unsual sight after probably having drank herself asleep. „Good morning sweetheart. I made you a lunch box. Breakfast is done soon“, her melodic voice sounded clearer then ever and it actually felt nice to see her this way but still there was a sigh that escaped my plump lips. „Mom.. I don‘t eat breakfast“, I mumbled softly and still sat on the small table which just had space for two people. „I-.. I forgot“, the table was already set and I didn‘t want the food to go wasted. After all, I was the one earning the money for the two of us and groceries got more expensive. „Give me some. I will eat it“, sadly the alcohol had bitten her up way too much that she forgot a lot about my preferrences of her own daughter. „No. It is okay“, she said in sad tone. But before she could react, I took the pan and put some on her and my plate. Even though it was just eggs and some bread, it was fine for me. 

„When will you get a boyfriend?“, choking on the food that I was just about to swallow, I coughed before gulping it down. I forgot to mention, I was single. My last boyfriend I had was back in high school. „Please.“, ending the conversation before it could even start, I grabbed the glass with water only to spit it out. „This is vodka. Mom. It is not even 7am!“, I got mad about this. It was a whole new level of her addiction. Normally she did hide the alcohol and only drank at night, thinking I didn‘t notice it and yet it was a taboo topic - an secret we both knew about. Ignoring my small outburst she leaned back in the seat. „In your age, I already had you. You must feel lonely. When do you even plan to marry?“, sighing out loud at those questions, I got up from the chair to bring all the dishes to the sink. „I do not even plan to marry anyone. I don‘t need a boyfriend. Plus, I have to take care of you and that is more then enough. I have no time for something like love“, I knew that this answer was far from what she wanted to hear because she wanted to be a grandmother, but honestly, how could I take care of a guy and care for the relationship when I was working and looking after my mother with a huge addiction of alcohol? 

„You are 25 years old. You don‘t get younger. Also, don‘t you want physical contact?“, rolling my eyes, I was facing my mother‘s fragile physical appearance, leaning against the counter with my lower back and hands resting next to my hips also on the counter making my elbows bow slightly. „There are ‘s out there if I really need it. I don‘t need a man to satisfy myself if that is what you want to know“. Living together with my mother, was far from easy. We switched the roles years ago. I did long for my own place and having it to myself but my mother couldn‘t afford an apartment for herself by her own. She had no job and she did not intend to get one any time soon. „Plus, I do not know why something like this should matter to you. I have enough to take care. A guy would only make it more complicated“, I left the kitchen with those words and got ready for work.

————————

„But your mother is right! You can‘t stay single forever“, my best friend complained while we were waiting outside the huge building we were working in. Lina was a pretty, smart and kind woman full of humor and smiles. Her blond-brownish shoulder length hair, embraced her nicely contoured face. She always wore some make up but she made it look natural. Heels were lifting and straightening her already great body - not too thin but not too fat. She was fit. She was way much different from how I was. She had guys chasing after her, dated guys from time to time, lived in her own apartment and was just full of life and enjoying each bit of it. Currently she was dating a guy called Namjoon and I had to admit, he was definitely handsome. He did suit to her in every way. Plus, she was head over heels for him and I promise, I never saw her any happier then with him. „You know exactly my conditions Lady. If they were different, it would be a different story“, shrugging my shoulders, I caused my brown hair fall off my shoulders. They reached the midth of my back, dangling from my head in a boring way. Maybe just a few waves made my hair look a bit more exciting. I only wore a bit mascara and lipgloss but that was all. I also didn‘t wear heels because it would kill my feet. But I couldn‘t say that I was nicely dressed. I was interested in fashion and if I liked it, I bought it. I always went a bit with the trends - just in my own way. „Your mother should get into a therapy. Maybe you both need that fresh start to see things differently“, I was shocked by the voice behind me, not having expected anyone else to even speak up. „Babe!“, Lina squealed in happiness, rushing pass me to get into her lovers arms. I got to know Namjoon real quick like after three weeks of them dating. „Hey Nam“, I mumbled and smiled as his words echoed in my head. He wasn‘t really wrong with what he said- we did in fact need a fresh start. 

„Anyways, I overheard your girls conversation abit longer“, Namjoon looked at me with curiousity in his eyes. „You really have no interest in finding a partner for yourself? I know three or four who would fit nicely to you and they are all about your age“, I sighed at his suggestion and yet it was unbelievable how everyone wanted me to hook up with someone. „Nice try“, I waved his offer of with my right hand, my bracelets clicking together as I walked inside the building. Our company was one of the hugest around here - working on the newest technologies for gaming. Nothing all too interesting and yet, it was a part of my life. We always came up with new ideas, tried it on voluntary people and worked with their critics.

„Have you ever tried Tinder?“, I looked at Lina with furrowed eyebrows and in disbelieve. „Stop it. This topic is done“, I answered sharply making sure Lina understood my message. I was sick of it. At least once per week my love life was a topic for Lina and especially for my mother. „Lina.. do you think Namjoon was right with what he said?“, Lina knew exactly what I was talking about and swifted her glances to the computer and me. „The problem your mother has is getting out of control. You cannot handle it for her any longer. So yea, I think it would be for the best if she‘d go to therapy“.

——————-

Back at home, I found my mother soundly asleep on the couch. Beer bottles scattered on the floor, the vodka bottle nearly empty. It was really getting out of control and I decided to do some research. 

I watched my mother a few days longer to make up my mind. Watching her go down more and more, I settled up my mind and tool a deep breath.

Pushing papers infront of her, my glance got intense as if my eyes were piercing her through. „It has to stop. It must stop“, I told her as she scanned the papers. „I do not have a problem child“, her words were chosen well, putting weight on the word not. „Oh .. you don‘t? You are drunk even early in the mornings. I come home to mess and get greeted with the scent of alcohol. Just like in a bar. You are messed up“, my words were harsh and I knew that, but I also knew if I‘d go easy on her, I would have no chance. I somehow had to make her understand her own situation and also mine. „Mom. I really think you should make a therapy. We need a fresh start. We cannot go on like this“, I said in a softer tone. The eyes if my mother went empty as she starred at the papers. I could literally hear her thinking about my words. „Am I... Am I that much of an burden to you? I raised you! I did everything I could for you to have a happy life! That you had all you wanted and needed and that is how you thank me?“, she said angrily, clearly the alcohol speaking out of her. „I wanna help you live a happier and healthier life. Can you go three days without alcohol? If you can, I throw this idea over board. If you can‘t, then we will have to talk about this again. I am not unthankful for what you‘ve done for me. Even due to your young age when you got me, you did all you could. But this is a situation which is getting out of your and my hands“, my explanations seemed not really to get to her. I could tell by the way her body tensed up, knowing all too well this would not end up good. „If you wanted to get rid of me, you just could told me so!“, her tone was full of anger as she stomped out of the kitchen, leaving me rubbing my forehead. Silently I listened to my mothers rumbling until I heard a zip. My eyes widened as she carried a bag toward the front door. „Seriously mom. Do you think running away will solve all this?“, I asked her, disbelieve swinging along in my voice but she showed no intention of changing her mind. With a loud thud, the door fell into the lock while I watched the door as if it was the most interesting object my eyes would ever catch. 

————-

„She just left Lina“, „Don‘t worry. She will calm down and return back home. The latest when she ran out of clothes and money“, I could hear Lina had the speakers on, probably that Namjoon could listen as well as we talked through the phone. I didn‘t mind it. Namjoon sometimes had really good ideas and was good in keeping a cool head. „She left her keys here. There is no way she can come home without me being here. Even her phone is here“, I told her as I played around with my mothers phone. It had already been a day since she left. Maybe I was a bit too harsh on her. But what chance did I have? I knew that pointing out a therapy and making her go to it, would not be easy but, that it would turn out like this, was never part of my plan. „Listen. If you worry that much about your mother, go to the police by tomorrow. After two day you can give up a missing person report“, it was Namjoon who said this. His low voice was soothing and calmed me down for a brief moment. He was right though. „Yes. But yet she is old enough“, Lina said and I had to agree to it as well. „She is. But even though she is old enough, she is alcohol addicted and definitely not in her right mind. The last time I met her sober was months ago“, I looked at the display picture of my mothers phone, showing a picture of us two when I was still a child. Back then, everything was still fine. „True. But please be informed. When you report her and the police find your mother, you must be aware that they will most probably send her to an therapy“, Namjoon explained, making me sigh. „I know..“, my voice got weaker and decided to bit my goodbye and thanks to them both. I still had enough to do. 

After the call, I began to start to clean the whole apartment, trying to get rid of the scent of alcohol with success.

—————

I decided against the report of my mother. First I wanted to try to find her by myself to have a clearing out talk. I even took off a few days from work to be able to focus on the searching. But those days went by faster then I wished them to. Meeting up with Lina and Namjoon, we found ourselves at an old, secret tip restaurant of the city. Not much people knew about this place so it never was crowded. But to my surprise, we three were not alone. Namjoon took his friends along. Not that I really minded because something about Lina was different the last few days. She was shifting in her seat and seemed nervous. „There is a reason why I called you all together“, my ears perked up at those words from Namjoon and my eyebrows raised as I looked at those two. The five guys, Hoseok, Jin, Taehyung, Jungkook, Jimin and Yoongi looked just as surprised and yet puzzled. I knew their names from the stories Lina always told me. „We have to announce, that we are now officially engaged!“, the last word they said together real loud, both being extremely happy about their new status of relationship. The boys grinned and cheered, wishing them two the best of luck. „Wow Lina! I am happy for you two“, I hugged my best friend, allowing myself to be happy for her. „You should get yourself a boyfriend too!“, she exclaimed loudly, making me rib my eyes open. „Lina!“, I was a bit mad at her for saying it out loud but she had a few shots already so I just breathed in deeply. My blue eyes wandered over the boys, all of them (except Namjoon) looking at me. Hoseok, being the first to speak up. „You are single?“, „It is none of your business“, I returned sharply before Lina spoke up again. „The last time she had a date or dated a guy was back in high school. She is a bit rusty“, smacking her back head I looked at her with a sharpness trying to tell her to stop there. I lost my ity at least but besides that one time, I never had again. Now I felt like I had to explain myself because I could clearly see that Hoseok was about to explode with questions. „It is true. The last time I dated a guy was back in high school and no, I am not interested in such a kind of relationship. No I am not having wildly with anyone I see. I am focusing on my career and that is all“, I said and Hoseok closed his mouth. „Wow..“, Taehyung mumbled and grinned. „I couldn‘t go a week without having “, Taehyung added. „Yes we all hear that!“, Jimin growled in annoyance making the guys laugh. „Wait- do you guys live together?“, I questioned, being puzzled. „Yup. We rented an apartment all together“, Jin said calmly. He was the one I liked from the start. He was quiet, didn‘t question me about my life and was calm and yet he had that sweet aura. 

„What about you?“, Hoseok questioned while Lina and Namjoon were busy talking about their plans. The guys seemed to have picked up interest in me for some reason but, for once I enjoyed this positive attention. „I live together with- with my mom. But she left after an argument“, I explained and felt kind of embarrassed. „So now you live all alone?“, Hoseok leaned on the table being all ear for my words. „Currently. Until she is back“, but as the devil heard those words, I heard a familiar voice call out my name. „Mom“, I announced, causing Lina and Namjoon to raise their heads. Also the boys looked surprised. There she stood, stumbling around with a man being next to her. Could it even be more embarrassing? „I guess I gotta go“, I excused myself without another word, bringing my mother home.

——————

Sitting at my table with my computer settled on it, I typed in a few numbers as Lina broke into my thoughts. „What do you think about Hoseok? He seemed to have a big interest in you“, she was grinning widely, playing with her ring from Namjoon. „The guy with all the questions? No thanks. Not my type“, I answered and picked up my cup of coffee to take a sip of the hot brown drink. „Fine-. Was there one of the guys that got your interest?“, I denied the question by shaking my head. There was none of them who really got my interest. Plus, it was mostly just Hoseok who talked to me. „What kind of guy are you even into?“, she questioned and made me stay still. I never thought about that. What kind of guys did I like? Who do I think is attractive? „I guess.. experienced mature ones?“, I said with a nervous smile. „You don‘t even know?“, Lina pointed out in a question. She could read me like an open book. Brushing a strain of hair back behind my ear, I shrugged. „You should definitely go to some dates to figure it out“.

Back at home, I found my mother packing up her stuff. We had a long talk after her return. Those days apart, made her realize some things and had her agree to a therapy. She was willing to go. She was even lucky and got a free spot. She would live somewhere in a village just for women with addictions in a living community. She‘d be gone for a while but it was something she had to do. „And I really should not bring you to the train station?“, I questioned as she slipped into her shoes. After a long time, it was her first day sober even though she was shivering in need for alcohol. „No honey. I have to walk this road alone. Starting here. I will send you post cards and messages alright?“, with a blown kiss and goodbyes, she left. The living community would also teach her to stand back on her own feet. She even could stay there if she wanted to. But for now, she had to learn how to give up her addiction.

The apartment was empty. The room of my mother was also empty. No clothes were left, no hint of her existence. Only her bed was left inside. „Now what shall I do with that space?“, I mumbled as my phone went off with a message from Lina. 

/ Hello girl. Because I still got no mad message from you, I guess you didn‘t check your phone yet. Due to me knowing you, you‘d never take this step by yourself so I did it for you. Maybe check your apps/

Knitting my eyebrows together, I did as she said. Looking through my apps, I first found nothing unusual on my phone. Everything was like always. So I looked through the latest downloads and noticed a new app: Tinder.

„She really..“, tapping on it, I saw that Lina had already put up a profile of me with pictures and descriptions and informations about me. All was set. I couldn‘t believe she did that for real.