I was cautiously putting a bandage on my injured index finger when the apartment door shook from the thunderous pounding. Nearly ripping the wound open, I inhaled sharply and hastily slapped on the bandage before running to the door.

            My hand was already curved around the knob when I began to hesitate. I wondered if it was Changmin again. After our catastrophic fight in the morning, I really didn’t know if I was ready to see him. Having started the day with an argument, I made several mistakes at work and later cut myself while cooking. At this stage, I was not the nicest version of myself.

            The door thundered again before I could even have a second thought. Flinching at the violent sounds, I swung the door open. Irritated, I took a lungful of oxygen and prepared to yell—

            “…Why?”

            Instead of Changmin, I was confronted with an extremely unexpected visitor. He leaned against the frame of the entrance wearily with his head dropped.

            I froze, stunned to silence by the appearance of Yunho. Even more shockingly, he was not the polished, put-together leader I was familiar with: the gelled hair was unkempt and rose in cowlicks and his jacket was half hanging open.

            My jaw hung open slightly, “Yunho? What are you doing here? And how did you know where I live?”

            He didn’t answer. Instead, he gripped my shoulders and shook me aggressively. “Why him…? How can it be him?! It doesn’t make sense!”

           I gasped through the waves of nausea as I tried to push his hands off. “Who? I have no idea what you are talking about—”

            “Don’t try to deny it!” He cut me off brusquely and silenced me with the blunt tone. “You have to listen to me right now, Renée. I need to get this fully figured out before it drives me insane… Why? Why Changmin?! Why him?!”

            Mortified, my breathing stopped and I could feel my heart seize. My brain was woozy for a second before it started to interpret everything slowly. Painstakingly, I rearranged my expressions and said calmly, “I don’t know what you are talking about. Go home Yunho. You shouldn’t be here.”

            “No. Don’t act like you don’t know anything…Because I saw! I saw everything this morning—I saw you and Changmin arguing, I saw him kissing you, and I know you two secretly have a kid—”

            “Mommy, mommy, I’m hungry!” Caleb skipped over at the worst possible time. He stopped short when he caught a sight of Yunho and blinked curiously, “Who’s this mommy? Is daddy coming again tonight?”

            “Caleb, go back into the room,” I commanded, trying to soften my voice. “I’m sorry I’m late. But I’ll make dinner very soon.”

            “Are you still going to tell me you don’t know anything?” He glared viciously at Caleb and it made him recoil in fear. “Are you honestly going to lie straight to my ing face?! For how much longer—forever?!”

            Petrified with the rough language, I practically shoved Caleb into a closet.

            “Go, Caleb. Go inside, now, please.” I ushered him into the bedroom before shuffling back to Yunho, who was still glaring from the entrance. Staring him straight in the eyes, I snarled, “What is wrong with you? Look, Jung Yunho, I don’t know why you are here, how you got here and why you are questioning me about my personal life…”I paused and hissed indignantly, “But how dare you to curse in front of my son? Get out of my house, now.”

            “I need to know the truth. Are you and Changmin married or not?” He pressed.

            “It doesn’t concern you.”

            “How the does it not concern me?!” He exploded again, “What do you mean it doesn’t concern me?! Do you know how much this hurts, do you ing know—”

            “Don’t you swear at me because I can make worse comebacks,” I retorted. Taking a long inhale, I said, “Look, since you already saw everything, then I’m going to let you know that everything you’ve just said is true. I’m sorry I didn’t come clean with this earlier because Changmin and I have been discreet about it. So I just want to apologize if any of this causes the band unwanted trouble—”

            “I don’t want your apology. I’m not talking about that!”

            “Then why the hell are you so mad?”

            Taking a step forward, he said, “Because I love you, Renée.” And before I could even speak, he had already slammed me against the door and pressed his lips on top of mine. I gasped, and he took the chance to slip his tongue deep into my mouth, spilling the taste of alcohol everywhere. I tried not to gag, my eyes nearly falling out of my eyes as I kicked, pushed, even bit his tongue to get him off of me, yet he didn’t even budge but only locked me tighter against him.

            This is insane, so is he.

            I desperately searched for something to end the kiss. At last, my probing hands felt my purse hanging on the hook behind me. With what remainder strength I had, I swung the purse and smacked him hard on the head.

            “Ouch!” He jumped back and felt the back of his head, his brows scrunched, “Did you just whack me?”

            “Yes.”

            “With your purse?”

            “Yes.”

            “Like the old ladies in one of the sit-coms?!”

            “Yes.” I held the purse closer as a defense shield and glowered at him, “And I can do it twice if you dare to try that again.”

            He looked back at me with melancholy and confusion. “Renée, did you not hear what I said? I meant it.”

            “I did,” I interrupted him, afraid that he was crazy enough to say it again, “Sadly, I heard everything loud and clear. But I can pretend I never heard that. And I can also pretend the other ‘that’ never happened too.”

            Yunho shook his head vehemently. “I don’t want to forget it. It’s the first time I’ve ever said ‘I love you’ in my entire life and I can’t just pretend none of it happened.”

            “I’m sorry.” I dodged his intense gaze and mumbled. It was all I could possibly afford to say, after all, my own thoughts were still unorganized from the morning frenzy, and now this…

            “Like I said earlier, I don’t want your apology.”

            “I can’t give you anything else, Yunho. I don’t know how this happened, I don’t know how you… Just forget about it. Please. Since you know the truth about Changmin and me, you have to forget it.”

            He stayed silent, his lips meshed into a thin line.

            “I really meant what I said Renée,” After a moment of awkward pause, he started, his voice frail yet certain, “And even if you do have Changmin or even if you have a kid, I can still—“

            I elbowed him out the doors in midsentence. “Just go home, Yunho. You drank too much, I can tell. Take a shower and get some rest.”

            “It’s not the alcohol that’s making me say all this.”

            “Go home, please.” I insisted.

            He gazed at me for one last time and gritted his teeth. “Fine.”

            I was about to close the door before a sudden chill of fear crossed my mind, “Wait, Yunho—”

            “I know,” He spun around and answered bitterly, “Don’t worry, for the sake of TVXQ, your secret is safe with me.”

            “Thanks.” I murmured.

            “Good night.”

            I watched him leave in subdued silence and continued to dwell within my personal reverie until I felt a tug at the seam of my pants which had brought me back to reality.

            “Mommy, are you okay?” Caleb batted his curly eyelashes at me, his eyebrows pushed together, “Are you tired?”

            I shut the door robotically behind me as exhaustion washed over. My limbs were all spongy from a whole day of absurdity that I barely had the strength to hold myself together anymore. Sensing the calm, Caleb emerged from the bedroom and tottered over.

            “I’m tired, Caleb,” I kneeled down slowly to hug Caleb with my leftover strength. He was the pillar supporting this world. “I have never been so tired.”

            “You can sleep, mommy,” He braced me with his soft hands and kissed me on the cheek.

            Tears welled in my eyes the minute I felt his kiss. I wished I could do exactly what he had said: sleep and just let it drown away all my senses and black out the complicated reality.

 

            I canceled my work plans for the day the next morning. Christmas was within a month and it was Caleb’s favorite holiday. Since work had always got to the degree of “insanely busy” near the end of the year, I decided to shop early while taking time off was still acceptable.

            I was at the grocery store with Caleb when I checked my cell phone and realized that my voice mailbox was overflowing with messages from Changmin. They were all apologies about the talk show and vows about how he would manage his time to visit more often… Instead of feeling comforted, I feared that all of it were empty promises that were bound to lead to future fights.

           Despite my own feelings, Caleb was chipper and giddy about finally spending his first Christmas with his dad. For his sake, I shoved personal ambiguities aside and texted Changmin. Since the Yunho incident from last night, I realized that there was no one else in the world I’d rather be with and there was nothing I couldn’t endure for him.

             It didn’t matter if it was the scarring pain from when I was sixteen, or the purgatory of staying in the shadows for the rest of his celebrity life.

            ‘I know you’ll probably be busy for the next month, but come to the apartment on December 24^th. Caleb really wants to see you, and I do too. A lot.’

            The reply came after a blink of an eye.

            ‘I’ll be there. For sure.’

            I smiled and was about to click the phone shut before it vibrated with the alarm of another text from Changmin.

            I opened it.

 

            ‘I love you Renée. I really do.’

 

            And that was more than enough said.