I didn’t want to be a stalker, but desperate time called for desperate measures. If anything, the guilt still clogged up my airways just thinking back to my earlier actions.

            And why was I feeling this way? Well, it was all because I creeped on the band stylist, who was not only a few years younger than me, but flat-out rejected me. To go as far as rummaging through her personal belonging officially made me a stalker.  

            Yes, I went through Renée’s purse today while she went to speak with the photographer. Not only so, but I also searched through every card in her wallet in order to find out her home address. Besides that, I almost took – okay, stole - a photo or a lipstick as a keepsake. The only reason I didn’t was because I didn’t want to raise any red flags. To top it all off, I also read through the contact list in her phone and trying to get a gauge of potential competition. Sadly, I didn’t manage to finish reading because she came back when I was halfway down the list and I had to shove everything back in the purse and pretend like I hadn’t just fully invaded someone’s privacy.

            She didn’t notice anything awry, of course, and I had never been so relieved in my life.

            My memory may be fooling me, but I could’ve sworn I saw Changmin’s name somewhere down the contact list. Then again, how could that even be possible? She hardly talked to the kid.       

            It was more realistic and believable if she had Junsu’s number or, of course, my number instead.

 

            Speaking of Changmin…

            He was acting more feminine than he should ever be. Maybe it was the after-effect of raging growth hormones, but he was having disastrous mood-swings these days. A few days ago, he was all grumpy and complaining about how much work we had nonstop until our eardrums started to pop. And then, he stopped whining but started to pig out more than usual, ostensibly as a way to release anger. Then the morning after, when he ran back without pants after a night out to God-knows-where and looking like he had several times was when he got all chirpy and happy again. Then a bit after that, he started to man- me all of the sudden and giving me dirty looks 24/7…

            Poor kid, as Junsu would say, he was probably still adjusting his unstable, jumpy hormones into the stage of his early adulthood since he recently turned twenty-one. I guess he was still going through his delirious phases, and as DBSK’s gracious leader, I was willing to forgive him.

           

            “Yunho, you !”

            I was sitting on the metal benches, caressing my rock hard six-pack that I was ever so proud of after a long hour of a hardcore workout when Junsu threw his stinky towel into my face.

            It smelled like he wiped his perky duck with it before. I tossed it off of my face in less than a second.

            “EW! What the hell man!?”

            “Oh, nothing,” Junsu choked with thundering laughter as he watched my twisted expressions, “It’s just that…I don’t know, Renée just called to tell me that she thinks someone’s been going through her purse.”

            “Wh—Uh…” I coughed uncomfortably. “Why the hell would she call you? She never calls anyone!”

            “WELL, Mr. Creepy McStalkerpants, I think you should stop checking out her menstrual pads and lipsticks and just tell her you love her, then ask her out. It’s not that hard, you know, U-know?”

            I glared at him. “Shut up, I hate it when you pull that ‘you know’ crap.”

            “I’m just trying to help, and stopping you from leaving her a ‘purse stalker’ impression.”

            “Why the eff would she call you? Out of all people—” I couldn’t take in his advice in the midst of raging jealousy, “You. Why the hell?! It doesn’t make any sense.”

            “Thanks, Mr. Jealous McStalkerpants.”

            I glowered at him then snorted. “Seriously, what does she see in your puny, slitty eyes? Or that fat, round, bulgy of yours? Or your morning breath? Your large pores when the camera does a close-up of your face? And do I even need to mention the fact that you steal Changmin’s and e more than—”

            “Okay, stop!” Junsu’s face was flooding with crimson red blushes and I could tell he was going to shove his repulsive towel down my throat if I didn’t close my mouth. “I get it. You are mad because Renée called me instead of you—SORRY, sheesh. Please just…stop.”

            I didn’t feel content at all as Junsu surrendered. I was too busy mourning over how much of a failure I was, after five entire years of being blinded and persuaded with the fact that I was irresistibly hot.

            Apparently—NOT.

            I heaved a long, distressed sigh.

            “Look, I know you are frustrated right now because this is your first…unexpected rejection,” Junsu settled his round on the spot next to me, “But at least Renée’s okay now, so you can put some plans into action.”

            “Huh?”

            I was too agitated within my own world of troubles and too busy digging out a mental grave for my past manly charms to understand the words that were coming out of Junsu’s flapping lips.

            “Remember what happened a few nights ago? When Renée just randomly ran out to backstage after prepping us for a talk show? That was really weird.”

            “Oh yeah…” I nodded, my thoughts trailed off once again as I remembered the night when Yoochun and Junsu convinced Renée to stay to watch our talk show so I could have a chance to impress her. But when the hostess started asking the each of us about girl interests, relationships and such, she just all of the sudden stormed off.

            I swear, she was crying, with real tears welling her eyes.

            Though my recalls had somehow cheered me up as a shot of realization ran through me: Maybe she was sad because I told the hostess I had girlfriends before, and that could only mean…

            “Maybe she likes you too,” Junsu blurted, filling in the remainder of my thought. “And she was just covering up her feelings before by rejecting you.” He scoffed, “Women and their ‘pride’ these days.”

            I gawked at him. That was some creepy telepathy.

            “Yeah. Maybe she does,” I stretched my lips into a bright smile, “You are right.”

            “Yeah!” He slapped my knee, “So stop sitting on your and get out there already!” He wriggled his eyebrows and teased, “She’s waiting~”

            I flinched. “Don’t do that again, ever.”

            Junsu stuck his tongue out at me and wandered off.

 

            “Yunho, get the out,” Before I had a chance to piece the evidence together and plot my next moves, Changmin’s voice boomed eerily from behind. “You’ve been hogging the weight bench for more than one ing hour.”

            I rolled my eyes. Great, he’s starting to swear at me now.

            “You know, there’s something called sharing?”

            “No,” He snarled, eyes bulging. “You are always ing hogging the gym. You’ll probably sleep here if you can!”

            “Well, I’m done now so you can workout alone, happy?”

            He narrowed his huge, mismatched eyes at me and turned to Junsu. “Hyung, you want to workout together?”

            WHAT.THE.HELL?!!

            He didn’t call me hyung or wanted to workout with me but now he was all of the sudden being so polite to JUNSU?! I took several deep breaths and turned away to prevent myself from throwing a punch at his face.

            “Uh, it’s okay… I’m kinda hungry...” Junsu refused, scrutinizing both Changmin and I carefully, “I think I’m just going to go and let you work out…”

            “Okay.”

            “I’ll leave too,” I snapped Junsu’s moldy towel and brushed by him coldly, “Since you sure as hell don’t want me here.”

            Changmin didn’t even bother to talk back but shuffled straight to the bench press instead and started to work out his arms, as if they weren’t pulsing with enough muscles already.

 

            “What the hell’s Changmin’s deal these days?” Junsu mumbled cautiously as soon as we were out of the gym, “He’s seriously scaring me, with his uncontrolled eating, insane workouts, and swearing…It’s starting to freak me out.”

            “Who knows?” I replied sourly, trying to hold back all the curses hammering my lungs, “I don’t give a since he just swore at me. Three times.”

            “Poor kid, something must be wrong.”

            “Well, I’m just going to focus on my plans for Renée right now and deal with Changmin’s temper tantrums later.”

            “Good job! I’m so proud of you!” He smacked my shoulders.

            I was about to kick his before I realized something. Something really important. “Wait a minute Junsu…You had Renée’s number this entire time and you didn’t bother giving it to me!?”

            “Uhh…Yeah.”

            He grimaced and ran before I could lunge at him to squeeze his brain out of his nostrils.

            Damn you, Kim Junsu.

*** ***

            Since I already found out Renée’s address through my series of stalking, I decided to use the knowledge to my own advantage. After careful deliberation, my plan was to run to her apartment as a morning jog and just casually ask her out for breakfast. Yes, that’s perfect.

            I couldn’t be spotted with girls in public because that would get me in a lot of trouble with the paparazzi, so I had to wear a wig while I jogged. The weather was still relatively warm when I headed out. As I picked up the pace, the sweat was quickly building underneath the wig and making it nastier than ever.

            When I finally arrived at the front of Renée’s apartment, I started to doubt my judgment. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I’m really sweaty right now and I sort of stink like a wet dog. Maybe I should come back later? But I’m already here… Warring in my own head, I walked into the lobby to cool off and paced back and forth.

            That was when I saw it.

           

            “No, Renée, listen to me, please…”

            “I don’t want to hear any more. Just go. For now. Go.”

            “Renée…”

            When I had finally made up my mind to buzz her suite number, I heard Renée’s distinct voice echoing its way down the stairway… along with another man’s. Was she with someone? My heart started to beat erratically as disappointment surged over me.

            It sounded like she was arguing with someone and I wasn’t sure how she would react if I were to show up now. Reflexively, I hid into the corners of the hallway.

            Bizarre enough, the other voice sounded so familiar that it was almost scary.

           

            The door leading to the stairway banged against the walls as two shadows stumbled out, their voices turning into aggressive shouts as they entered the lobby.

            “…You don’t know how much it hurts! I’m sick of watching you pretend like I don’t even exist in this world and listen to you talk about how your life is without a girlfriend when you actually have a wife and a kid…”

            “I’m sorry I had to say all that Renée, I was on TV, and my contract, my manager—”

            “And you know what’s the worst part? To hear you try and explain how everything is a must, is a ‘had to’, a necessity is killing me! I’ve had enough, Changmin, you don’t know how much it hurts. You really don’t.”

            “Renée, please, listen to me, don’t do this—”

            “No! Just leave! I don’t want Caleb to watch us fight, but we fought anyway. And now, I’ve left a three-year-old alone in the apartment yet again. Just go back to your work—go back to your world!”

            “I’m not leaving.”

            And with one final statement, I watched the man crushing his lips against Renée’s as he pressed her body against the granite walls, chaining her within the trap of his arms as she pounded his back furiously.

            The entire world froze into a silent snapshot as I gaped at Changmin and Renée kiss.

            At that moment, my vision started to glaze over and I wasn’t sure if I was processing the reality properly, but all I had been able to comprehend was…

           

            Renée and Changmin were apparently married.

            And they had…a kid.