I was about to fold into a pile when I stepped into the narrow, cramped hallway of my apartment. As I held the key up towards the keyhole, the lights in front of me flickered and I wobbled on my feet. Steadying myself against the wall, I commanded myself to not have a blackout.

            I can’t, not now.

            Behind the door, there was a three-year-old alone in the apartment, who had been waiting for me to come home ever since nine a.m. in the morning. I couldn’t faint now and allow him to starve. I had to cook for two and tomorrow, run a bath and read a bedtime story. Then I would need to do the laundry that had been piling up and maybe take a look at this month’s expenditure…

            The beginning of a migraine was emerging as I went through my mental list of to-dos for the night. With one deep inhale, I rearranged my tensed expressions and unlocked the door with a big, cheerful smile on my face.

            “Mommy!” Caleb leaped onto my leg and wrapped his arms around my waist the second I stepped into the apartment.

            “I’m home!” I replied brightly and then kneeled down to return his hug, “Sorry I’m a bit late today. Are you hungry? Mommy will make you dinner now.”

            “Okay, mommy.” He nodded and snuggled into my arms, “I missed you.”

            As I stared into Caleb’s round, sparkling eyes, it immediately reminded me of someone else and I was dazed for a moment before answering, “I’m sorry about working on Sunday again. I promise we’ll go to the zoo next week.”

            He nodded excitedly. “Yay! Zoo! I want to see elephants and zebras!”

            I smiled at him, mentally jotting a note to ask management to clear next Sunday’s schedule. “Mommy will make dinner now, but you need a bath first.” I said, leading him into the bathroom and the tap, “Go get ducky and I’ll get the bath water ready.”

            “Okay!”

           

            I didn’t get to see him today. I sighed softly to myself as I changed into casual house wear.

            He and Yoochun were assigned with another co-stylist today while I was assigned to Yunho, Jaejoong, and Junsu. I guess I still couldn’t be with him even if I did everything possible to get the current job.

            But I was missing him so much that I was counting the days we hadn’t seen each other.

            It was 34 days now since our last meet-up.

            I wasn’t sure how long I could deal with this before I break down from missing him. I didn’t know what was worse: the fact that I used to be a single mom who worked three jobs a week in the U.S. or the fact that I now had a husband that I had to keep a secret.

            I couldn’t speak to him at work, because we were basically never alone.

            I couldn’t call him because his cell phone was tapped by the company.

            I couldn’t e-mail him because those were monitored, too.

            I couldn’t go out or spend time with him in public because there would be paparazzi lurking everywhere.

            I couldn’t…

 

            There were a countless number of things I couldn’t do and I felt like I was being suffocated by a trap that I had set up for myself. Yet, I didn’t want to get out.

            And I couldn’t - everything Caleb did remind me of him every single minute.

            As I reached for our so-called wedding picture on the book shelf, I noticed that my old diary had been laid out on the dresser again. I had a habit of reading my past diary entries whenever I had insomnia and I couldn’t help right now but to flip through those aged pages over again…

 

June, 2003

Dear Diary,

            OMFG! Guess what?! You wouldn’t believe it even if I said it, but you’ll have to believe it anyways! You know that boy, Shim Changmin, who sat in front of me and I said he had a y neck? Well… HE ASKED ME OUT!! Today!! OMFG OMFG! I can’t believe it! Do you think I’m dreaming? ‘Cause I think I am, but I hope I’m not, that’d be really bad once I wake up from this awesome, awesome dream! I still can’t believe he would ask me out though, but oh my…

            HE’S SO CUTE!

 

July, 2003

Dear Diary,

            Changmin has pretty hands, prettier than mine. I feel bad as girl. Though he said my hands are okay. So I’m good! :)

 

September, 2003

Dear Diary,

            This but kind of really rocks at the same time. I had my first kiss today. (mom’s going to kill me) Who cares about mom. It was all too…dreamy to worry about my mom issue. But the horrible thing was that we got caught in the hallway and I got slapped on the hand and so did Changmin. Though the teacher slapped him on the side of the neck. I hope he’s okay, especially his neck.

            He got me some cream for my hand after school. My swollen palm feels better now. But I got yelled at for being home late.

            I think I should bring something for him. And he has really pretty lips.

 

November, 2003

Dear Diary,

            Changmin’s going to audition & try-out for some singing contest (for some pilot band called Dong Bang Shin Ki?) hosted by SM Entertainment. I hope he makes the cut, because he has a great voice. My fingers and toes are all crossed for him and I’ve even made a deal with the wishing star (this is embarrassing).

1. reminder: Almost Christmas/half year anniversary, must save money and go shop!!!

 

 

December, 2003

Dear Diary,

            He made it! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!! We are sneaking out tonight to celebrate and I get to leech his money because he said it would be his treat! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY x 2!!!!! :D

 

December, 2003

Dear Diary,

            We are breaking up, and I don’t understand. Isn’t break up a separation between two people that only happens when they don’t love each other anymore? But we still do. So we shouldn’t break up right? Even if there is a stupid contract relating to that Dong Bang Shin Ki bull we still shouldn’t break up right? Even if his future offers such a ridiculous rule we still shouldn’t break up right? Even if …

            I think we should break up. It’s his future, and I can’t be selfish and y like that.

            But I really like him.

            I think I love him.

            But I guess nothing’s forever right? I guess it’s just…

            I think I’ve got it all wrong.

 

December, 2003

Dear Diary,

            I finished spending my last night with Changmin just now, but I think I did something really terrible…Or we both did.

            I don’t really know how we both…

            I mean, it started off with us sharing the Christmas cake at his house alone because his parents were out on a vacation, and we were lighting candles and eating food and singing and everything…

            And then we were eating, and the ice cream icing on the cake was really yummy…

            And then, I don’t know how, but and then… Somehow the icing on the cake ended up on our lips, and somehow (I still don’t know HOW) our lips ended on each other’s lips and SOME DAMN HOW, it was more than just our lips that ended up on each other…

            Before I knew it, he was kissing me more and he was on top of me and I was on top of him (and I don’t really know who was on top of WHO but we were both on top [???]) and the room was getting warm like a sauna and I was blanking out and he was blanking out and he was pulling on my shirt and I was tugging at his jeans and he…I…he…

            Well this morning when I woke I was really really really really sore, especially in that “specific” area and I could barely drag my half-dead body back home…

            I don’t know what I should do now. I mean, we were supposed to break up but that happened instead and I…

            I don’t know. I just really don’t know anything right now and I think I need some sleep and stop thinking about this mess…

 

December, 2003

Dear Diary,

            I saw him on TV.

 

January, 2004

Dear Diary,

            It’s New Years. I wish Changmin was here.

 

January, 2004

Dear Diary,

            I miss him. It’s been 23 days.* < I hate that number.

 

February, 2004

Dear Diary,

            I still have his homework at my house. It’s been 30 days.

 

February, 2004

Dear Diary,

            My mom bought Changmin’s favorite shampoo for my dad. I’m sad and I miss him a lot. (45 days)

 

March, 2004

Dear Diary,

            We are moving to USA. I don’t know why, I think it’s either because of my aunt that’s living there or because my parents just simply feels like it. I don’t know what to feel. I miss Changmin, and I haven’t seen or spoken to him ever since that night…

            I feel really weird these days and I haven’t had my period for almost three months now, I think something’s wrong with me. I’m too scared to tell mom, what should I do?

 

March, 2004

Dear Diary,

            I’M. PREGNANT.

            I’M PREGNANT.

            HOLY ING BAG FLIPPLING PANCAKES!!!!!! I’M PREGNANT!!?? AND MY MOM WAS THERE WITH ME WHEN THE DOCTOR GAVE ME THE TEST RESULTS!!! What am I going to do?! I can’t believe I’m pregnant at 16 and my 17^th birthday is in two weeks…I’M PREGNANT!!!!!!!

            How can this be?!

            Is it because of that night?

            I think…No I can’t possibly tell Changmin now…That’s just impossible, even if I was still in Korea, not to mention that I’m in USA now.

            Oh my god what am I going to do? My mom is furious with me and so is my dad…my cheeks seriously BURNS right now from her slap and my eardrums are dying from her lectures…

            But I’m more concerned about the baby, what am I going to do with it?

            Should I give birth or do an abortion?

            But I don’t really want to do an abortion because I really…well, I miss him a lot and the baby…ARGHH@#$!@!!!

            I ’ M  P R E G N A N T!!!!!!!

 

April, 2004

Dear Diary,

            My mom kicked me out of the house.

            She said I’m a public embarrassment to be pregnant at 16 and I’m a that she never raised.

            I have no money right now, except for a suitcase of clothes and other stuff and…you.

            What am I going to do now?

            I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go, I don’t know who I can possibly trust, I don’t have anything, I don’t have anyone except for my unborn baby…

            This feels like the end of my life, or the beginning of a torturous marathon.

 

April, 2004

Dear Diary,

            Jobs are hard to find and I’m a bit too young. People are whispering behind my back in school, I think I’m quitting school. I need to find a job fast though, summer’s ending and the park isn’t ideal for sleeping.

 

May, 2004

Dear Diary,

            I quit school. And I found a job at a Chinese restaurant, they work you like a slave but at least I can afford a small apartment now.

 

June, 2004

Dear Diary,

            I have a fever and infection from a cut on my hand. My fingers really hurt and my belly is getting bigger and bigger now…It’s getting hard to work.

            I feel like I’m near my death right now, but…

            I really wish I could see Changmin one last time or at least give birth to the baby.

 

August, 2004

Dear Diary,

            It’s been half a month since the baby’s born. It’s really adorable, especially those dark eyes, they are so similar to Changmins, and the nose too, it’s chubby but cute. I think I’m going to name him Caleb, I like a name that starts with ‘C’.

 

January, 2005

Dear Diary,

            The doctor said I shouldn’t have started to work right after giving birth because it’s going to cause a lot of trouble since my immune system is really weak right now. But I had to, I’m running out of money and I’m getting kicked out of the apartment.

             I think I need a better job.

 

February, 2005

Dear Diary,

            I’ve decided to start saving money and go to a beauty school after the baby turns one. And I also need to save money for a nanny or something.

 

March, 2005

Dear Diary,

            OH MY GOSH DIARY! I think this is the first time in two years I’ve ever said ‘YAY’ again!!! I got into the beauty school and I’m going to be a stylist!!! Oh and Caleb e yesterday, even though there weren’t any families coming, a few of my co-workers still gave me some presents. I’m so happy.

            I wish…

            Forget it, we are too distant and I don’t think it matters anymore.

 

January, 2006

Dear Diary,

            I got a job in a beauty salon, the salary’s pretty high. I’m glad, and Caleb called me “mommy”. It’s not just a simple happy feeling anymore, it’s something I’ll never be able to forget in this life time.

 

March, 2006

Dear Diary,

            I saw my parents at downtown yesterday, they didn’t recognize me.

            I felt miserable and I didn’t want to see them at all, they were worse than strangers or bystanders.

            I’m going back to Korea with Caleb, I never want to see them again.

 

Dear Diary…

Dear Diary…

 

            Drops of tear started to trickle down my cheek as I ran my fingers across my old writings, the ink prints, the dents I made from pressing too hard, the crumples, the rips… It was as if this was my own time capsule and every detail of my past, whether pain or happiness, were carved onto those pages…

            I didn’t know how I pushed forward until today and I didn’t even know how—somehow—fate had miraculously and mysteriously brought me back to him like we were bound together by invisible threads.

            But right now…

            I glanced around the empty room, unable to find a trace of his existence and closed my diary.

            Was I making a mistake similar to the one I did when I was sixteen? Was I stuck at the same desperate bottom I was at a few years ago?

            I wasn’t sure.

            It seemed to be better this time, at least I got to see his face and be somewhat close to him…

            Or was it? Now that I had the privilege, would it only bring me more unbearable agony as I ache for him even more so than before?