Yunho
[4/5]

Untitled thougths part. 1

- what’s a name -

Yunho shivers in the cold winter that has frozen Seoul; he tightens the grip on his coat and clenches his teeth, adjusting the scarf around his neck.
Seasons has changed faster this year and the boy hadn’t even had the the time to put away summer clothes that the wind was already blowing through the streets of the capital.

He enters in a small bar and relaxes, listening to the sweet melody coming from the stereo: how odd though, he didn’t think they were still broadcasting that song.
In a few moments, however, something changes: memories reappear in the back of his mind, witnesses of a past seretiny, and old voices, never forgotten, harmonize with the music playing in the peaceful bar. And that is it: his nails start to dig into his delicate skin with a bit too much strenght, trying to hold back emotions, but leaving a clear mark on the dark complexion.

Yunho doesn’t cry, he has never had, not even when reality turned into a nightmare and tears were struggling in his eyes, willing to be shed. However, no tear managed to escape from the dark eyes of the boy and his body, one way at a time, had become a prison of feelings, too small to endure the burden he was carrying along.

Being a leader isn’t just a name or a role; Yunho felt a leader with every bone, every organ, every single drop of blood. When his mates had addressed him one day, telling him how they couldn’t endure it any longer, that things had to change or they would have exploded, he tried to do the impossible and challenged that fate that had made kings out of them, before deciding it was their time to fall and dethroned them.
He tried, Yunho, he really tried not to let everything break into pieces, but the string that was keeping them together had suffered too much and when it broke, they all broke with it.

Yunho doesn’t cry, even if he really would like to; but he can’t, he simply can’t.
He has to resist: for Changmin that has decided to stay, to take forward their dream, despite the problems and the uncertainces.
For Jaejoong that every night suffocates his moans between the pillows, screaming his name again and again. That same name he doesn’t hear that much anymore, but that he always reads through the lyrics of his songs.
For Yoochun, who is becoming an actor and whom he would like to encourage, to support, to be able to tell to “I am here”.
And for Junsu that he misses so much in the new chorus, too long for Changmin’s voice alone. Junsu, who he doesn’t hear joking anymore, whose weird laugh he cannot seem to remember.

Yunho feels a leader beyond any limit and he fights against the instinct to cry, to let go, to be overwhelmed by all those emotions that are haunting him. He will, but not yet.
He’s holding back, waiting for the moment in which everything will come back as it was and their stage won’t feel so small anymore. Only then will he stop fighting and the tears will be so warm they will melt the snow covering Seoul. Even the snow that was falling that far away December night, when everyone was locked inside their houses, enjoying the gifts of the just-passed Christmas, but not them. They were becoming legends, that far away December night.

And no one noticed how incredibly white was the snow that year, almost perfect.