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Changmin

Untitled thougths part. 1

-  to die, to sleep, to dream  -

Changmin had never thought about the possibility of being a singer: when he was 10-years-old, someone else had already decided that for him and he never had the chance to reflect, to choose, to search for his way in the world.

He accepted a future he didn’t feel his. Maybe because of compassion for that mother that prayed him on her knees, garanteeing him success, maybe because his mates looked so happy with their choice that he slightly envied that sincere expectation. And so, without lingering too much on his doubts, he started to walk that road, following someone else’s footprints; the horizon, however, was still blurry and the boy promised himself to draw its borders by himself, even though art had never been his vocation.

Changmin learns step by step, and with the passing of time he begins to appreciate that voice that comes out melodic from his lips, that voice he never gave importance to, but that now enchantes the ears and hearts of millions of people.

He learns the meaning of work, resistance, pain; he searches on a dictionary the words he doesn’t remember or those he never knew, and asks for explications for the ones that even after a definition, he still doesn’t manage to comprehend. It is what happens with “dream”, his eyebrows arch and a confused expression paints his young face, until a familiar hand caresses his shoulder and a sweet voice reveals him the most obvious of the secrets.
But when Changmin starts to dream, the world around him decides that it’s too late and it suddently turns against him.
It rips away his happiness and those emotions he had just discovered, leaving him alone with uncertainties and a neverending waterfall of transparent tears.

Changmin has lost his “Instruction manual for life” and even after years he still has to remind himself not to look back, that it is too painful and he doesn’t want to suffer anymore. He notes down on a new textbook the things he has to avoid, the dangerous ones, those that risk breaking him apart. Memories, however, come back on their own, against his will, and he bites his lips trying to resist them, but the demons sleeping in his memory are too strong. And he kills himself, Changmin, the boy pretending to be a man, among the waves of the past, in an abyss so deep that even the sunrays cannot reach it.

The dark colour scares him and he doesn’t manage to name that fear that is eating him from the inside. He looks for a single ray of light, a track to follow to get out of the desperation he has fallen into.

But in the gloom of loneliness, fireflies do not shine.