You Get My Love

 

 

Sehun × Jongin

 

 

 

It’s 05.35 am when he opens his eyes.

 

Heavy eyelids blink at the alarm clock on the nightstand. Sehun turns around and chuckles in his sleepy voice when he finds the one he was looking for. He remembers how Jongin told him they should wake up at 5 so they can ride their bikes to the side of Han River and watch the sunrise. So much for a romantic date.

 

Sehun sighs. Date. Jongin has been trying so hard to take him to dates. ‘Maybe somewhere between our eleventh and thirteenth ‘bro date’, you’ll finally fall for me.’ Jongin had told him.

 

It was a few months when he learnt that his best friend’s feelings for him were way beyond friendship.

 

‘I know you don’t love me the way I love you,’ Jongin had said casually, ‘so we can go on dates first to see if you can feel more for me. Let’s call it bro dates.’

 

‘Do you pity me that much?’ Sehun had replied bitterly.

 

But then he saw it; the nervousness Jongin hid behind the mischievous glint in his eyes. ‘No. I love you that much.’

 

He gave it a try. He had put his already broken heart on stake, and without him knowing, months had passed and here they are now. On the same bed, under the same blanket, warm skin to warm skin.

 

Sehun can’t really tell when and how did they actually get to this point. He hasn’t even approved Jongin’s ‘lovers’ term yet.

 

However, his doubts have long lost their power to prevent warmth from bursting inside his chest whenever he lays sight on Jongin. Especially when Jongin is asleep like this, looking so peaceful and angelic.

 

Carefully, he lifts up a hand and rests his palm against Jongin’s cheek. His thumb naturally moves to touch a pair of slightly parted plump lips. Gone is the boyish, playful Kim Jongin. There’s only his personal guardian angel.

 

“Jongin,” he whispers, “hey, bike ride, remember?”

 

There’s no respond. As expected from the heavy sleeper. Sehun chuckles lightly, flipping his hand to caress the apple of Jongin’s cheek with his knuckles.

 

“Jongin,” he calls softly, “do you really love me?”

 

He can hear the answer inside his head.

 

“You shouldn’t, though.” Sehun rests his palm on Jongin’s face again.

 

“You shouldn’t love me that much.”

 

“You really shouldn’t love me that much.” he states, almost inaudibly.

 

Thankfully, his one and only audience isn’t listening, thus he won’t have to bear the consequence for now.

 

“Why would you love someone like me?” he puts his index finger on the tip of Jongin’s nose. “You saw it; how broken I’ve become. You were there when I broke myself. Through it all. And you still want me?”

 

His fingers then move upwards to brush away Jongin’s soft locks from his forehead. Jongin’s breath brushes against his wrist. “I’m stubborn. Pessimistic. I deal with my anger by being too silent. I scare you whenever I frown; you told me that.” he chuckles lightly, but at the same time he can feel his eyes starting to get warm. “I’m, like, the most bitter person in the universe. The first thing I told you when you said you love me was if you were pitying me instead. Been such a doubtful person. Always used my ‘victim of negligence and betrayal’ card on you. Why do you even want to stick with me?”

 

“Are you even sure you love me? What if… what you feel has always been pity? What if you just want to take care of me? What if you don’t love me that way, Jongin? What would you do… if one day you wake up and realize all of that? What if you wake up later and realize all of that?” he inhales. “Well, if you are going to, please do it in, like, a month. Three months. A year. Don’t do it later. I’m not ready yet.”

 

Jongin scrunches his nose.

 

“I really shouldn’t have done that, huh? That total self-destruct. I’ve let that day changed me entirely. I’ve let him wound me. Shouldn’t have done that. I’m… I’m not me. Not anymore, Jongin. The one you met eight years ago, that Sehun… has long gone. The one who used to laugh at the simplest thing you did, who told you that falling in love was the best thing in the world, ain’t me anymore. I find it hard to trust even myself now, Jongin-ah. What if one day you get tired of dealing with me?”

 

“I feel bad. For you. It always felt like you’re fixing something someone else had broken. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you have to, Jongin. I never asked you to fix me.”

 

“I don’t even want to fix myself, why are you trying so hard to?”

 

“I’m scared, Jongin.”

 

He feels a tear escaping the corner of his eye; he doesn’t bother to wipe it.

 

“I’m scared because I’m finally calling what I feel for you as love. I’m scared because I’ve started to love you that much. And I’m scared that I’ll end up hurting you.”

 

“What was I thinking? How can I love someone, especially you, with a ruined heart like this?”

 

“What if I can’t love you properly?”

 

Suddenly Jongin shifts on his spot. Sehun gasps quietly, then exhales in relief when Jongin turns around to the other side, back facing him now. He laughs to himself. Jongin has never been calm in sleep; he’d toss around for several times through the night.

 

Sehun reaches out a finger to trace the outline of Jongin’s shoulder, marveling at the way their skins are in contrast with each other. Jongin’s skin is so warm, making him feel a little bit drowsy.

 

“What have I done?” he whispers brokenly. “How could I do that to you? How could I trap you down with me? Why am I so selfish?”

 

He then wraps his fingers on Jongin’s arm, scoots closer until his chest touches Jongin’s back, and buries his face against it. “I’m so sorry.” he whispers, hot tears rolling down to the pillow. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“I wish I’m the one who is deep in love instead of you. I wish you’re in love with someone who recklessly loves you back. Who is free from ghosts and baggage. Who gives you his heart instead of holding yours.” he places his hand around Jongin’s torso. “I wish I had loved you first, so my heart would still be whole by now for you to take.”

 

“I’m incomplete. I’m a mess. I’m bitter. I can’t smile as easily as before. I won’t have the guts to express my feelings to you every day. I’ll always doubt my own feelings, although not as severe as before. And I’d always be skeptical towards you, although not to the point I don’t believe you.”

 

“I can’t guarantee that I’ll make you the happiest man on earth.”

 

“But I can guarantee you, that you get my love.”

 

“You get my love, Jongin.”

 

“If there’s only one thing about me that you can trust after all I’ve said and done to you, it’s that you get my love.”

 

“Don’t let my mistakes take that away from us.”

 

He’s no longer hiding now.

 

He’s done doubting Jongin and himself. He’s done feeling so unworthy of receiving the endless amount of Jongin’s love. He’s done making Jongin the only fool between them. He’s done being the cause of the disappointment on Jongin’s face which the latter always tried to hide. He’s done being ungrateful. He’s done beating himself up for something he wasn’t at fault for. He’s done letting something that happened four years ago affect his present.

 

He’s done denying his feelings and deciding what’s the best for them without Jongin’s consent.

 

Sehun tightens his arm around Jongin’s figure. Finally he deals with his own ego and admits to himself that he doesn’t want Jongin to leave. He wishes Jongin would always stay. He wishes that Jongin would always come home to his bed; to him. If Jongin ever leaves him, he doesn’t think he’d be able to survive the blow.

 

He calms down from his silent sobs. The sound of Jongin’s steady breathing soothes his burning heart. It’s not a fantasy anymore, no matter how hard he tries to consider it is. It’s real. Jongin is real. He’s not entirely prepared for it, but everything about it is real. Jongin is here, next to him, and his presence alone is a promise of his love for him.

 

The room gets brighter gradually. Sehun lifts his head a bit to peek at the thin white curtains across the room and watches the sun slowly rising up, splattering hues of yellow and lilac mixing together. Sunlight reminds him of Jongin, but at the moment he doesn’t need a reminder; he’s already hugging his own sunshine.

 

He hopes his hands are strong enough to keep his sunshine with him for a very long time.

 

He makes a promise with himself. After he tells Jongin what Jongin deserves to hear later, he’ll start to treat Jongin better. So much better. He won’t give Jongin frowns again if Jongin says something sweet to him. He won’t intentionally decline if Jongin asks him out. He’ll stay still until Jongin lets him go if Jongin hugs him randomly. He’ll smile for Jongin more often. He’ll genuinely laugh at Jongin’s jokes. Every form of love Jongin does, he’ll try his best to reply.

 

He’ll love again.

 

“Huh,” he then hears Jongin’s hoarse voice, “huh.”

 

Wiping the remnants of tears stains on his cheeks, Sehun laughs giddily. “Just in time.” he muses.

 

Jongin turns around to face him. “Whoa,” Jongin mumbles sleepily, “did you just… laugh? In the morning?”

 

Sehun doesn’t care to hide his smile. “You said it’s healthy. To laugh.”

 

“Yeah.” Jongin nods. “Yes I did. You use much less face muscles to laugh than to frown and smiling keeps you y-”

 

Jongin doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Sehun already places a soft peck on his lips.

 

When he pulls over, he watches Jongin blinking at him. “Is today the day you become my lover?” Jongin asks with a small smirk.

 

Sehun rolls his eyes, albeit smiling. “Yes.”

 

“Is today also the day you cry at how handsome I am?”

 

“Don’t spoil yourself.” Sehun pinches Jongin’s nose gently.

 

Jongin pouts as he watches his now official lover sits up on the bed. He then catches the sight outside the window. “Oh,” he grins, “we still get to see the sunrise.”

 

Sehun chuckles and spends the whole minute staring at the skies. He thinks about repeating all the words he had whispered earlier to Jongin directly, but he figures out that he doesn’t have that much of courage yet. They still have a long way to go, and he can tell him those words gradually, time to time. Jongin looks like someone who will stay, after all.

 

However, he still owes Jongin one sentence. He knows that sentence would be more than enough for now.

 

So he turns around, leaning on his arm that rests on the mattress, and searches for Jongin’s face. The sun is doing a great job in making Jongin look more beautiful than he already is. His olive skin glows under the light. The almond color of his eyes are very visible at the moment.

 

Jongin stares back at him.

 

He a breath.

 

“I love you.” he whispers.

 

There. Bare for Jongin to see. Fragile enough for Jongin to break with a nudge.

 

Without a word, Jongin lifts a hand and gently places his palm against his cheek. His lips press against Jongin’s wrist naturally.

 

To his surprise, a tear escapes Jongin’s left eye. Another escapes the right one. Then a tired yet content smile spreads on Jongin’s plump lips. He answers with a shaky voice.

 

“About damn time.”

 

=

 

“Jongin, do you really love me?”

 

Really? We’re starting the morning like this?

 

“I’m, like, the most bitter person in the universe.”

 

Yeah, tell me about it.

 

“The first thing I told you when you said you love me was if you were pitying me instead. Been such a doubtful person. Always used my ‘victim of negligence and betrayal’ card on you. Why do you even want to stick with me?”

 

Um, because you’re… you?

 

“What if you don’t love me that way, Jongin? What if you wake up later and realize all of that?”

 

I’ve figured myself out. Thanks.

 

“I really shouldn’t have done that, huh? That total self-destruct. I’ve let that day changed me entirely. I’ve let him wound me. Shouldn’t have done that. I’m not me. Not anymore, Jongin. The one you met eight years ago, that Sehun… has long gone.”

 

Yes, you shouldn’t have blamed yourself that far.

 

And no, you’re always my Sehun. A little bit sadder, but you’re still you.

 

“It always felt like you’re fixing something someone else had broken. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you have to, Jongin. I never asked you to fix me.”

 

It’s not about fixing. I’m not a bandage. I’m the person who loves you.

 

“I’m scared, Jongin. I’m scared because I’m finally calling what I feel for you as love. I’m scared because I’ve started to love you that much. And I’m scared that I’ll end up hurting you. What if I can’t love you properly?”

 

Don’t cry.

 

I have a very big heart; it’s enough to love you and me.

 

“I wish you’re in love with someone who recklessly loves you back. Who gives you his heart instead of holding yours. I wish I had loved you first, so my heart would still be whole by now for you to take.”

 

I’d never love anyone else than you.

 

And you’re not pizza. Stop talking as if you’re made of slices.

 

“I can’t guarantee that I’ll make you the happiest man on earth. But I can guarantee you, that you get my love.”

 

I… do?

 

“If there’s only one thing about me that you can trust after all I’ve said and done to you, it’s that you get my love.”

 

For real, Oh Sehun?

 

“Don’t let my mistakes take that away from us.”

 

I won’t.

 

And thank you.

 

Thank you for loving me back.

 

Thank you for being okay.

 

Thank you for loving again.

 

I love you.

 

I love you so much.

 

 

 

[A/N]

It’s my very first published SeKai piece!