Although Crying Wouldn’t Change a Thing

 

 

Sehun × Luhan

 

 

 

We were young.

 

I was young, but you were much younger.

 

We were young, and everything seemed so fun and exciting for us. Our lack of knowledge about the future was the privilege we had. Not knowing anything made us dream so many things.

 

We were young, and rather foolish, and that time, we had each other in the future each of us envisioned.

 

We were young and were so eager to grow up. I was so eager to grow up so I could do bigger things, and I wished you would grow up quickly too, with me. There were so many things we could do if adults took us to consideration. If we were older, our hands could hold more.

 

We were young, fond of rushing anything. We were naturally impatient and just so excited all the time. Knowing that we were achieving our dreams together made it a lot better.

 

We were young, hot headed, and the heat in our head affected our emotions most of the times. The warmth that would burst in my chest when you laughed, the sparkle in your eyes when I arrived in the room, those were the after effects of our emotions. We were like water; the slightest pressure, touch, or even move could create ripples on the surface.

 

We were young, so young, and clueless, ironically clueless,

 

but to think again, that time, as clueless as we were, at least we had each other. We held hands and walked the dimly lit tunnel, assuring each other that there was a way out at the end of it and we would surely get to it together.

 

We were young, and in love.

 

Was that the fault in our story?

 

=

 

We were a couple of years older.

 

You were still young. So young and full of hopes. Your kind yet fragile heart was your strength and weakness at the same time. I wonder, were you being strong or weak by trusting your heart on my clumsy hand?

 

The reality of adult world and the true nature of the things we did started to take a toll on me. On us. We both were overwhelmed, but the exhaustion made me only see my own struggle.

 

You were scared, but you believed I would always be there to calm you down. I was scared, and I was more scared because I started to feel like I couldn't calm you down anymore.

 

Eventually, it was hard to talk about our feelings. We focused on doing good too much. We prioritized pleasing other people instead of making peace with ourselves. Conversations about our jobs mattered more than me having to explain to you that I distanced myself from you to make you stronger by yourself.

 

I didn't hate you. I never hated you. God, how could I ever hate you?

 

You did nothing wrong. I swear you did not.

 

It was me. It was because I cared about my own thoughts too much that I didn't pay attention to yours.

 

In the end, without thinking about your already fragile heart, I packed my bags and went home. Seas apart from you. From the dreams I used to dream, from the dreams we used to dream together.

 

And even with all those things I did, before I left, you gifted me a smile and a faint "good bye, good luck."

 

Not even once did you curse on me, get angry at me, or blame me.

 

All you asked me about was, "is it my fault?"

 

Why? Why did you think you were responsible for the disaster I caused upon myself?

 

It was supposed to be my job to look after you.

 

But I couldn't even look at you in the eye.

 

I was blinded by my emotions, you were blinded by yours.

 

Was that, honestly, the fault in our story?

 

=

 

We are adults now.

 

My hand is already someone else's to hold. Your hand still looks warm, although stronger.

 

You became such an independent being. A great individual with great personality. You grew up so much.

 

Somehow, I wish you didn't grow up so fast like this.

 

I wish I had stayed longer to be by your side through your growth.

 

If only I hadn't caused that much of pain on you, maybe you'd still be the mischievous, carefree, youthful boy you used to be. You're so mature now, and while I'm proud of it, my heart hurts by the sight of it.

 

I wish you could've stayed young, full of hopes and love.

 

But I left you, and you left yourself too in the end.

 

That was the fault in our story.

 

I left you when we needed each other.

 

Now that I realize it, you're already someone I could never turn back to.

 

And I know it's such a shame for me to be saying these things.

 

But although it's a shame,

 

although crying wouldn't change a thing,

 

although praying wouldn't bring you back to me,

 

at least I want you to know that I did love you,

 

and nothing was your fault.

 

 

 

[A/N]

Written for 2018 HunHan Day (the middle between HunHan Week, in HunHan Month) :’)