She and Irene are alone for the first time a month after Irene had broken up with her. Seulgi comes waltzing into the kitchen one afternoon, fresh out of the shower, when the sight of Irene standing in the kitchen greeted her.

        The older woman had her back turned to Seulgi, and was rummaging through the kitchen cupboards for something to snack on. Unconsciously, she tugs at the belt of her white fuzzy bathrobe a little tighter.

        The older woman’s eyes had always had the tendency to wander. The last thing Seulgi wanted to think about was how Irene used to look at her, sultry enough to almost qualify as sinful, hot enough to melt away any of Seulgi’s previous protests.

        She didn’t need those kinds of thoughts flooding into her mind. Especially when she wasn’t wearing any clothes underneath her robe, and especially when she remembered everything Irene had done to her. She couldn’t get caught up in lust now, even if she did miss the way Irene used to burn into her soul using her tongue and teeth and fingers.

        “Could you pass the milk, please?” Seulgi asks in a quiet voice, her cadence giving away just how exhausted she was from the mere sight of Irene. It was odd thing, having to relearn how to behave around Seungwan and Irene.

        It was an internal struggle within herself to not reach out and seek comfort from Irene, the person who had put her in this situation in the first place. There were days where Seulgi wanted nothing more than to run back into Irene’s arms, press against the older woman’s lips and revel in the taste that had been the love of her life.

        Today would not be one of those days. Seulgi knew there would never be another day like that again. She just needed to keep her willpower firm and strong, she couldn’t give in to the desire Irene had left her scrambling to seek refuge in. Wordlessly, the carton is slid across the counter and into Seulgi’s waiting grasp.

        She can tell Irene’s eyes are boring into her, that the older woman is waiting for her to speak again, perhaps about their current situation, but Seulgi’s too devoid of emotion to care. All of her energy when they weren’t on stage or rushing to radio and variety shows was spent on avoiding the older woman at all costs - a difficult feat in itself, seeing as Irene was their leader.

        There are so many unspoken rules, countless imaginary boundaries Seulgi’s too scared to cross, and so she doesn’t even bother. She picks her clothes out of Irene’s closet, she keeps her earbuds in whenever she’s around the dorm, and she doesn’t speak to hardly anyone except for Sooyoung and Yeri when she’s at home.

        Although Irene had become one of her closest friends and confidants over the years that they’d known each other, Seulgi had to remember just how much Irene had betrayed her. It was difficult to believe, but it had happened, it was real.

        Truthfully, Seulgi was still reeling from the fact that Seungwan and Irene had blindsided her like this. But being an idol is hard, and promoting is brutal, and eventually Seulgi just stopped questioning the reasons why. Sometimes, there just isn’t a reason.

        What’s done is done, as they say. Seulgi’s just doing her best to stay out of the way, to spare herself some of the pain of seeing two of her closest friends together, acting all lovey dovey with each other no matter where they were. She almost saw them like two desperate high schoolers in their first relationship, unable to keep their hands off of each other.

        Seulgi couldn’t divulge just how broken Irene had left her, though she was sure the older woman had some sort of idea. They had been friends for nearly a decade by then. No one knew her like Irene did, but she still wouldn’t let Irene see her in such a state. So she’d kept herself glued to Sooyoung and Yeri’s sides, opting to go out with them rather than being left alone in the dorm with Seungwan and Irene doing god knows what behind the closed doors of Irene’s bedroom.

        “Going anywhere today?” Irene asks, her voice stiff with an awkwardness reminiscent to the first time they’d met, back when they were both tired trainees dancing their youth away. Her mouthwatering figure is on display, leaning a hip against the kitchen counter in her half ed white dress shirt and black pajama shorts.

        If they were still together, Seulgi probably would have been undressing Irene right about now and pressing a kiss to . It’s a thought, but Seulgi keeps it that way. She doesn’t let her hands reach towards the older woman when she puts away the gallon of milk in the fridge. She doesn’t let her eyes rake over the exposed skin.

        They’d had their fair share of quickies whenever the dorm was clear and they had double checked no one would interrupt them, but now it was different. Now Irene didn’t love her, so Seulgi keeps her gaze disinterested and takes a sip from the cooling liquid to soothe her burning throat.

        Seulgi finds it oddly funny, how much they’ve changed in such little time, how quickly they’ve dissipated into nothing by strangers living within the same four walls. It truly is as if they were trainees again, except this time they used to know each other and love each other and share their hopes and dreams together.

        “No.” It’s a lie and they both know it. Seulgi is a lot of things, but she’s never been a good liar. Truthfully, she’s set to meet Moonbyul at the woman’s apartment in an hour or so. She’d been desperate for alone time from all things Red Velvet, for a change of pace that didn’t include tip-toeing around Irene and Seungwan or stumbling into a half dressed Irene in the kitchen.

        Seulgi sets down the empty glass in the stainless steel sink, then turns to leave, already feeling more than drained from the short interaction with the older woman. “Seulgi-ah?” Irene’s velvety voice roots Seulgi to the very spot she’s standing in, but she doesn’t turn. She hates how the older woman still has an effect on her enough for her to still listen.

        The sound of her own name echoes inside of her chest, ricocheting off her ribs and piercing at her heart. How could someone sound so gentle and loving, then turn around and do something like this? It didn’t make sense. In fact, none of this made sense, and she was getting tired of trying to rationalize everything.

        Seulgi gritted her teeth, screwing her eyes shut tightly. “What is it?” Seulgi sighed. “Can you look at me, please?” Seulgi’s nostrils are flaring as she does as Irene asked, finally feeling anger streaming through her when she found herself eye to eye with the older woman.

        “I have to get ready, unnie,” she says flatly, eyes dead as they study Irene. The older woman flinches at the title and frowns. They both know she preferred ‘Irene’ or Joohyun’ over anything else from her. “A-are we going to talk?”

        Seulgi isn’t even sure this is the same Irene who’d broken up with her in the first place, and it has her stumped. Why was the older woman acting so timidly, so unsure of herself? Wasn’t that Seulgi’s job? At any rate, Seulgi managed to crack a smirk at the woman who had held her heart in her hands and had squashed it to smithereens. “Talk about what, unnie?”

        Irene was giving her free reign over opening up the topic both of them had been dancing around, yet Seulgi couldn’t talk about it. She wasn’t ready for that conversation just quite yet. She wouldn’t even know what to say or where to begin. Irene gives her a chastising look, crossing her arms over her chest to appear more intimidating than she really was, “You know what I mean.”

        Seulgi truthfully has an entire list of things she wants to ask Irene memorized, but she knows if she asks them now, all of Irene’s answers will only cause her to break down.

        She had been good so far, keeping her crying to herself in the confines of her bedroom, shedding a few tears here and there when no one was looking during their schedules. Seulgi wanted to keep it that way, even for just a few days longer.

        Sooyoung had caught her twice subtly flicking tears away at her waterlogged eyelashes, but other than that, no one knew how distressed Seulgi really was. The younger woman knew for certain she wasn’t ready to allow herself to let Irene see her shatter.

        “Seulgi-ah…,” Irene sighs. The way she had said it made Seulgi’s name sound more like a solemn goodbye, an ending of sorts, rather than a plea. “Seulgi,” the younger woman replies, stripping Irene of the right. Her teeth grit and grind with the jut of her jaw, “It’s just Seulgi now.”

        A million things are racing through her mind, going through what she would say next, but the two of them freeze the instant the front door swings open.

        “Honey! Are you home?” Seungwan’s shout echoes through the dorm, and Seulgi feels her heart stopping for the millionth time. Honey. She searches Irene’s face for any change in expression, but she couldn’t find a single thing out of place with the woman before her.

        It was almost as if Irene hadn’t heard the pet name at all. As long as Seulgi could remember, Irene never liked the idea of having a pet name, and she quizzically studied the woman. Irene had never let Seulgi call her anything but her name, her real name at that.

        A few soft footfalls on plush carpet and a strangled gasp a minute later announce the Canadian’s arrival into the kitchen where she and Irene were having their stare-off.

        “Oh, Seulgi-ah,” the vocalist smiles awkwardly as she comes to stand next to Irene. She’s dressed in a pair of blue jeans and