. . .

Shaky hands gripped the needle pressing into soft, pale skin as Hanbin injected hell in its finest form into his awaiting bloodstream. A forgotten, half-filled baggie of the powdery substance laid at his feet, Hanbin waited for the euphoria to sink in. Glossy tears fell from his eyes onto his cheeks in weak droplets and all Hanbin wanted to do was ing scream.

Alone in the dark quietness of the bathroom stall, Hanbin dropped the needle, watching it silently hit the dirty floor and brought his hands up to his hair. He tugged harshly at the messy, black locks and dropped his head to his knees, closing his eyes. Dry sobs ran through his tired body and suddenly Hanbin found himself not being able to ing breathe.

What the is happening? Why isn’t this working? I need more.

The feeling of ecstasy wasn’t kicking in fast enough and Hanbin, in the messy search for something to make everything go away, blindly searched for the baggie he had discarded earlier. When his fingertips finally made contact with the tiny ziplock, he held it up to the dim lighting of the restroom, staring at the powder’s pearlescent shine. He dipped a finger in gently, touching the softness of the deadly substance. So ing pretty.

Hanbin prepared two, thin white lines on the back of his credit card, fake happiness filling his mind and a shaky smile on his lips. He sat back and looked at his pretty creation, ready to cling on to the euphoric high just a little longer. But as soon as he brought his head down to take a clean hit of the drug, Hanbin’s phone rang.

The shrill ringing brought Hanbin back to his anguished reality, and even with a heavily doped up mind, he smacked the credit card away—watching the powder dissipate into the dingy floor. Angry feelings of shame and disgust crashed over Hanbin in waves and he let the phone ring on.

For the first time since meeting Jiwon, Hanbin was, once again, acquainted with a deadly old friend, going by the name of pure .

Hanbin wasn’t meant to find out. Hanbin knew that Jiwon had never intended for him, or anyone at all, to find out the truth about his sickness.

Jiwon was very, very sick.

The doctor had told Hanbin that Jiwon had a growing brain tumor. It was not yet terminal cancer, but there was little success rate that the hospital would be able to cut the tumor out without damage to the sensitive neurons around it or chances that the tumor would come back. In fact, the doctor had said that with how fast the tumor was growing, current medical advancements could not keep up with the contracted illness. His condition was worsening and visible symptoms were starting to show. With such a dangerous growing pace, the tumor could quickly spread to other areas in the brain, and Jiwon would most likely contract Parkinson’s disease as a viable effect.

“There’s a likely chance he might recognize you some days and completely forget who you are the next. It’s important in these situations to not panic the patient further, opting to re introduce yourself gently each time or claim you are a live-in caretaker.”

The news had shocked Hanbin to the core but as he sat there, on a cold, plastic chair in the dim hospital hallway, it almost felt like a wake up call. It was a reminder that he didn’t deserve good things. Hanbin didn’t deserve happiness. Every good thing that has ever happened to him had been stripped away and it was clear that Jiwon was not an exception.

But Jiwon was a human being, a beautiful human being with a heart that was bigger than life itself. He was the most human precious being Hanbin has ever had the chance to encounter but he couldn’t help and feel that Jiwon was unlucky to have met someone like Hanbin. Hanbin ruined things. Hanbin had ruined Jiwon.

“How long?”

“I-I’m sorry? I don’t understand your question, Mr. Kim.”

“How long does he have?”

“He has a chance-“

“Cut the bull, you said it yourself it‘s near impossible for the tumor to be cut without damage. Tell me how long he has to live.”

“3 months.”

Staggering out of the dirty bathroom stall in some hole-in-the-wall bar, Hanbin somehow managed to find himself in his car on the way Severance Hospital. He parked sloppily, nearly denting the car next to him and pulled himself towards the doors of the hospital. With a lightly laced up mind, Hanbin flung himself at the receptionist, demanding to see his boyfriend, despite visiting hours being over.

The receptionist nearly called security to drag him out but somehow Hanbin had started sobbing, banging his head against the counter and letting out helpless whimpers and cries, “I-I need to see him.. I need to tell him I love him, please.”

Hanbin ended up outside of room 208, peeking through the window to look at his sleeping boyfriend, but not having enough confidence to head inside, embarrassed for showing up in such a ed up state. He paced back and forth in the dimly lit hallway, it was 4 in the morning, until a nurse passed by and gave him a glare that sent chills down Hanbin’s spine. He stopped pacing and quickly turned the door handle and stepped inside, holding his breath.

Jiwon looked so, so beautiful at four in the morning, dressed in a cotton nightgown, laying on the cheap hospital mattress with a thin, ugly floral blanket covering him. Hanbin had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep him from sobbing at the sight of his pretty boyfriend. He quietly approached the sleeping boy and slipped into the chair next to the bed.

Gently taking Jiwon’s hand into his own, Hanbin brought it up to his face and left a shaky kiss against the knuckles. He rested his head on the bed and just closed his eyes, salty tears laid track on his cheeks.

A few minutes later, Jiwon’s eyes opened slowly and he carefully brought his hand up to brush at Hanbin’s bangs delicately.

Shocked, Hanbin looked up and saw Jiwon looking back at him with his beautiful doe eyes, looking the tiniest bit dull with puffy darkness surrounding them. That was it for Hanbin, tears began to leak uncontrollably and he dropped his head onto the bed, “I-I’m so sorry, Jiwon. I’m so, so sorry baby. Sorry, sorry, sorry-“

Alarmed, Jiwon tried to tilt Hanbin’s head up so that he could look at him but the latter boy wouldn’t let up. “Hey, hey, what are you sorry for? Hanbin, none of this is your fault at all, I’ve been sick for a while.”

Hanbin mumbled into the cheap mattress, almost inaudibly, “I-I’m sorry. I l-love you so much, please don’t leave me. I’m so, so sorry, Jiwon.”

“Hanbin..”

“I-I’m so sorry. I-I shot up before this, Jiwon. I s-swear I hadn’t done it since I met you b-but I.. I couldn’t help it-“

Firmly, Jiwon gripped Hanbin’s chin, forcing him to look up, “Hanbin. Baby, It’s okay, I’m not mad at you. I’m sorry too.”

Confused, Hanbin shakily spoke, “Y-you’re not mad? You’re not disappointed with me?”

“Disappointed, yes. But I know you were just looking for an escape. I’m dying, Binnie. Let’s just-“

“Don’t ing say that.”

Hanbin broke into tears, once more, and he gripped at the sheets brokenly, “Please don’t say that. Please don’t leave me, baby. Please, please...” He buried his head into Jiwon’s side, crying like a small child.

Jiwon began to cry too, rubbing Hanbin’s back helplessly, trying to comfort the boy. He whispered into his ear, salty tears mixing with Hanbin’s own, “You’re my whole world. Please remember that, Kim Hanbin.”

The two boys fell asleep trying to soothe one another and in return sobbing even harder into eachother's arms, both wondering why the world was so cruel. 

Faint sunlight streamed in through the curtains, filtering fresh colors of pale yellow into the dull hospital room. Hanbin cracked an eye open and to his surpise, Jiwon was pratically spread out on top of him—octopus style, both nearly fulling off the small bed. The barista was laying on his chest, breath coming out in small puffs, and his mind drifted to heavier thoughts. Jiwon bursted with sunshine and Hanbin wondered why the world was so admanant on burning even the brightist stars. 

"Hanbin..?"

Hanbin's heart melted when looked down again and saw a confused looking Jiwon rubbing at sleepy eyes; he looked like a grumpy bunny. He brushed the barista's messy, chocolate hair and spoke softly, "Good morning, baby." 

Jiwon blushed, burying his face further into Hanbin's chest, "You're gonna tell me to talk about it, right?" 

"We don't have to talk about anything, if you don't want to."

The barista shook his head as tears welled up in his puffy eyes, "I owe it to you to tell the truth. I'm so sorry, Hanbin." 

Hanbin's own heart clenched and he tried to put on a brave front for his fragile boyfriend, "I'm sorry too." 

Confused, Jiwon lifted his head up, "For what?" 

"For freaking out and leaving after the doctor told me you were sick. I-I just couldn't handle it and I'm so sorry, baby. I swear I put the drugs behind me when we first met."