_Mina had once told me that I was her only best friend. She wasn’t lying, but compared to this, I’d rather her be lying._

 

They’re talking all sweet again. Right in front of me. If they only knew how cruel they were being…

 

Having brunch at their favorite cafe was never this painful. Chaeyoung has regrets, Mina has happiness, this Jeongyeon is totally unreadable. Chaeyoung missed when it was just her and Mina.

 

She stepped outside to, not only get away from that , but for a smoke too.

 

 

Does it hurt to see her smile this big at someone who wasn’t me?

 

To smile her treasured gummy smile to someone else?

 

To give one of the things I want most from her to someone else so easily and so often?

 

Of course. Of course it hurts. Why wouldn’t it hurt?

 

But am I happy for her happiness? 

 

Do I regret not asking her out sooner? 

 

Am I happy for her?

 

…Of course… not… why… why- no, how could I be…?

..I can’t when it hurts this bad. Even when I try to be happy for her happiness, I just can’t bring myself to think positively of her relationship when it doesn’t involve her and I.

 

 

——————

 

“Go ahead, Changie, I won’t be _too_ judging.” Mina giggled at Chaeyoung while they sat in their booth.

 

Chaeyoung tried to suppress her wide smile of embarrassment and shyness.

It was Wednesday, both girls were done with their classes and decided to enjoy their free time with each other at their favorite cafe, in their favorite booth. At the moment, Mina was asking Chaeyoung to read aloud her poem she wrote for literary class.

 

“I don’t even think it’s that good though…”

 

“You just got done telling me you got an A on it - I don’t see how you just could not read it to me, your important best friend.” She teased.

 

Chaeyoung blushed, She may have said some embarrassing things at a party that garnered A LOT of teasing from Mina and others. To name one event: Chaeyoung cried in Mina’s arms at said party about how important she was to her and that she was the best friend she had ever had. Chaeyoung didn’t catch word of it until she found a video of it on Facebook the evening after. (It explained the gummy smiles Mina gave her)

 

“Peer pressure is not something I expected from you today…” Chaeyoung hid her blushed face with the paper which held her poem. That was mistake number one.

 

Mina seized the moment and snatched the paper from Chaeyoung’s innocent hands.

 

“W-Wait!” Chaeyoung reached out. It was too late.

 

She sat back down with a worried expression. She watched Mina’s face to see her reaction.

 

Mina’s smirk had faded to a focused look as she read the poem. Chaeyoung gulped. Mina put the paper down and nodded.

“Wow. This is-”

 

Chaeyoung spoke before she could finish.

“Depressing - I know.” She reached over the table and grabbed the page.

 

“I was gonna say it was moving,” Mina gave Chaeyoung a gummy smile.

“It was dark, it was emotional, it was fascinating, it was more than I expected, really.” Mina laughed.

 

Chaeyoung’s once worried expression had easily been made into a happy, child-on-Christmas face.

 

She covered her smile again.

 

Mina laughed again.

“You’re so cute when you’re shy.”

 

_Oh my God_

 

 

 

 

 

———————

 

 

That Friday night, Mina asked Chaeyoung if she wanted to see a movie. Chaeyoung answered yes (maybe a little too enthusiastically).

 

“Do you want some Jelly Beans?” Mina nudged Chaeyoung.

 

She nodded and reached for the box that Mina held. She purposely grazed Mina’s hand because, why not? It had been forever since Chaeyoung knew she was in love with Mina, so she took every chance she could to make contact with the Japanese goddess.

 

Her hand was warm. While even though the shorter girl knew the contact was coming, she still jumped at it. However, the taller did not.

 

 

 

 

 

————————

 

Sunday morning, their church friend, Dahyun invited them to church. Neither Chaeyoung or Mina were necessarily religious, but their church friend offered free food and once Mina wanted to go, Chaeyoung’s answer was already decided.

 

She sweated and gazed up nervously at the church.

 

“What’s a matter? ‘fraid you’re gonna burn?” Chaeyoung turned to the voice to see a taller blonde girl and a brown haired girl.

 

Chaeyoung forced a smile while still carrying worried brows.

“W-Why would I get burned?”

 

The tall girl chuckled and lightly hit Chaeyoung’s back like they were pals (It irked Chaeyoung for some reason)

“It’s every gay’s worry when coming to church,” she and her friend smiled at the absurdity of the sentence. Chaeyoung became less tense as this girl seemed to know her stuff.

“Don’t worry about it; me and this girl,” she gestured to the slightly shorter girl next to her 

“Come here every few Sundays, and we have yet to burn.”

 

Chaeyoung made an O face.

“You two are dating?” They sure look cute together.

 

The two look at each other before busting out into laughter.

Chaeyoung was puzzled.

 

“You’re too funny!” the brown haired girl finally spoke as she held her stomach.

 

The taller girl calmed down with deep breaths.

“Whew~!” she wiped her tear duct “What’s your name anyways?”

 

Chaeyoung shook off her judging face and bowed.

“I’m Son Chaeyoung.”

 

The two girls wore warm smiles and bowed.

“I’m Yoo Jeongyeon.”

“I’m Hirai Momo.”

 

Chaeyoung shook both their hands.

 

It’s always nice to have new friends. 

 

Yet,

 

this was mistake number two.

 

 

 

 

 

————————

 

 

So, Mina didn’t end up going to church that morning on the account of her pressing the snooze button too many times, so to make it up to Chaeyoung - who had to sit through the preaching and what not - she decided to treat her to the arcade.

 

“You know there is no way you can grab it Chaeng.” Mina crossed her arms and smiled at the short girl, finding her determination cute and admirable.

This claw machine carried a penguin plush that reminded Chaeyoung of Mina, so of course she had to work her hardest to get it for her (and to impress Mina as well)

 

“And why’s that?” She asked absent-mindedly.

 

“The one you want is being held under that green doll.” Mina pointed to the green plushy.

 

Chaeyoung focused, moving the claw around for the umpteenth time. She was running out of walking cash, but she’ll be damned if she leaves after coming this far. Mina was absolutely gonna have this penguin.

“That’s not gonna hold me back from getting who I want.”

 

_Who?_

 

Mina laughed.

“You can go ahead and try then - won’t stop you,” Mina put her hands up in a surrender.

“It’ll be a good learning experience.”

 

Chaeyoung hummed, absolutely in a trance. The claw hovered over the green plushy and the penguin, twirling. Chaeyoung’s eye shined, her thumb twitched, her heart skipped a beat, the world stopped as she clicked the red button.

 

Down the claw dropped, much like Chaeyoung’s heart, as it grasped on to nothing.

 

Mina suppressed a laugh and grasped onto something to stop the shaking from the comical fail.

Chaeyoung clenched her fists and looked up as if she were cursing God.

 

“Hey, hey, hey - no need to bring the big man into this,” Chaeyoung looked over to see the cool tall girl, Jeongyeon, and her friend, Momo, walking to her and Mina.

Jeongyeon held up a token and patted Chaeyoung’s shoulder.

“Which one you want?”

 

Chaeyoung sighed and crossed her arms.

“The penguin. It’s being held back by that green piece of right there - so I don’t think you could get it.”

 

Jeongyeon shook her head.

“Nonsense - this green thing here simply doesn’t want to leave the penguin’s side.” Jeongyeon inserted the token.

 

Chaeyoung and Mina exchanged confused glances. Momo yawned, uninterested and pulled out her phone.

“What do you mean?”

 

Jeongyeon maneuvered the lever around, stoping above the green plushy instead of the penguin.

“Well, for one: the green guy here is holding this penguin, but certainly not back.”

She dropped the claw.

It came back up, not empty-handed, carrying the green plushy along with the penguin plushy.

Chaeyoung’s jaw dropped as she watched the claw carry the dolls over to the drop hole, the green plushy looking at her in with a mocking expression - or so Chaeyoung claims.

“Sorry to disappoint, but these two are a two-for-one deal.”

Jeongyeon reached into the box and pulled out the dolls. She peeked at Mina shyly.

“I recall hearing these are for you?” She approached Mina with a shy smile.

 

Mina smiled, still hinted with the surprised expression from earlier.

“Y-yes, thank you.” She bowed.

 

Chaeyoung watched the two with concern.

 

Don’t sweat it, Chae, at least she got the penguin.

 

 

 

Not worrying was mistake number three.

 

 

 

——————————

 

 

After spending $40 at the arcade on air, Chaeyoung decided that she would go ahead and initiate her “if-all-is-lost” plan and get a part-time job. She found luck at the cafe she and Mina love so much. The first few days were fine when Mina would visit, but after awhile, she stopped. Chaeyoung knew it wasn’t like Mina had plans to come in to the cafe everyday just to visit her, but she couldn’t help but feel disappointed whenever someone who wasn’t Mina walked in.

 

Chaeyoung finished up another order and started her break time out back, finding her usual seat on a stump that cuddled up to a trash can. She contemplated pulling out her smokes. Mina talked Chaeyoung into stopping - not completely though, since she’s regrettably been smoking since she was a preteen and it’s hard to just quit on the spot.

 

 

==

 

“Baby steps.” Mina said in a reassuring voice, calming down a broken Chaeyoung.

 

“Baby steps.” Chaeyoung repeated.

Mina caressed her hair, soothing Chaeyoung after her breakdown.

 

She shook laying in Mina’s lap from midnight to morning, tired and stressed over everything and only finding comfort in Mina.

 

==

 

She decided on not smoking and instead enjoying the beautiful sky.

 

Chaeyoung sighed.

 

 

 

 

 

——————————

 

After class, Chaeyoung went to Mina’s classroom to wait for her like always.

 

A few minutes later Mina came walking out - she wasn’t alone.

Chaeyoung approached the enthralled girl.

“Hey, Minari.” She smiled at her, showing her dimples.

 

Mina turned her attention away from the other person.

“Oh. Hey, Chae - what’s up?”

 

_Oh.

 

Oh

 

oh_

 

Chaeyoung deflated and pursed her lips.

“Nothing. Just wanted to say hi.” She smiled and walked away with a wave.

“See ya, Mina! See ya, Jeongyeon!” She waved to both of them and only turned back after Mina smiled to her.

 

Her forced smile twitched into a frown as she walked away.

 

 

 

 

 

————————

 

 

“I am a good friend. I know how to live without her - I do. I’m just lonely. It’s been so long since I’ve spoken to her. She has a new friend. It’s good that she’s making friends. It’s good. She’s good. I’m good. Good.” Chaeyoung mumbled to herself under her covers on her free day off, staring at her phone, waiting for Mina to call her, text her, whatever - she just wanted to at least have contact with Mina.

 

Ever since break started, Chaeyoung hasn’t seen Mina. She texted Chaeyoung every now and then, but nothing since yesterday afternoon. It was currently 10 at night.

 

Her lips quivered.

“Dammit.” She got up and slipped a sweater on. She reported back to Mina 2 weeks ago that she completely dropped cigarettes after a 2 year long fight. As expected, Mina was ecstatic as she had always stressed about how Chaeyoung should quit smoking.

Chaeyoung stopped for her, but now she’s picking up an old habit. She couldn’t help but feel a weight grow on her shoulders with every cigarette she smoked.

 

 

It was pretty chilly out, but nothing Chaeyoung couldn’t handle.

 

She lit her cigarette, placed it in with guilt and began walking in a random direction.

 

It’s odd how the crickets seem to make everything go away. Looking up at the stars made Chaeyoung feel lost and found all at once - a weird feeling, but nonetheless comforting in a way. It’s cheesy, but the stars remind Chaeyoung of Mina’s eyes. Chaeyoung loved getting lost in Mina’s eyes and being found by Mina’s eyes and being comforted by Mina’s eyes and having the stare be returned, even if it wasn’t of genuine feeling.

 

Her eyes started watering. She stopped walking and looked down at the cement.

“It’s just the smoke.” She told herself, flicking the ash with movement.

She took a seat at the nearest bench and bathed herself in the night’s ambience.

 

The silence was disturbed by faint chatting that got closer and closer. Chaeyoung looked at the bothersome noise with an irritated face and blew out some smoke.

 

Her vision was smoked out when she heard the voice she had been waiting for.

“Chaeyoung?”

 

__

 

The smoke cleared and revealed Mina and Jeongyeon. She would no doubt be disappointed to see that Chaeyoung is back on her bull.

“Mina!” Chaeyoung shot up and threw the cigarette on the ground, coughing and waving the smoke out of her vicinity.

“I-I wasn’t-!”

 

Mina frowned.

 

Chaeyoung was struck speechless. Never had she made Mina frown.

“It-It was just one…” She trailed off. Her eyes became heavier as the situation settled in.

 

“Chae, you said you quit - how could you lie to me like this?” Mina looked disappointed and sad.

 

Jeongyeon laced her fingers around Mina’s to provide comfort.

Chaeyoung looked at the folded hands and rolled her eyes.

Her nose twitched and she snapped.

“Alright! I admit it!” She threw her arms up as if to call upon God to strike her down.

“Forgive me, for- for providing myself a stressless time! Please see it in your perfect heart, Mina, to accept my apology! I am sorry for picking up a habit that was loosely put down!” She giggled almost maniacally.

 

Mina frowned. She knew what was happening - it wasn’t the first time, or even the second time. This sort of thing just hasn’t happened in a long time.

 

“No one was there for me to go through all of the fingernail biting! Not when it was nails - not when it was skin - not even when it was bone! No one was there!” Chaeyoung’s chest was rapidly rising.

 

Mina shook her head as she tried to intercept her rant.

“No- I-“

 

Chaeyoung let out cold, dry laughs.

“Too busy going on hot dates with your new best friend? Was I ever your friend? Did you value me as much as I value you?” She squinted at her. Then she turned her gaze to a bewildered Jeongyeon. She pointed at her and smirked.

“You — you stole my Mina — you stole my heart- no you ripped it out of my chest!” She stormed up to Jeongyeon and started pushing her. Jeongyeon looked to Mina for help.

 

“Chaengie stop it!” Mina pulled Chaeyoung away from Jeongyeon.

 

“Chaengie? _Chaengie?_” She shook Mina off and looked at her sideways.

“You have no right to call me that now! It’s Son Chaeyoung to you, Myoui!” She yelled out while pointing. She did a final turn to Jeongyeon.

“You. You never call me _anything_. Don’t even breath the same air as me.” She glared at Jeongyeon.

“You’re nothing more than an enemy in my eyes.” She began walking away and pulled a cigarette out of her box with and lit it.

 

Mina got a lump in the back of as she clung onto Jeongyeon and watched Chaeyoung walk away. Her eyes were wide and her legs were shaking. Never had Chaeyoung snapped at her like this. It was… shocking to say the least…

 

 

 

 

Mistake number four.

 

 

 

——————

 

 

She was dying in her godforsaken room. She hadn’t seen Mina in a month. Avoiding her was easy as not opening the door when she knocked.

“How long have I known I love this girl? It must’ve been ever since I laid eyes on her. Every moment I’ve known her, not once was I ever not in love.” Chaeyoung lit another smoke up while laying on her bed, having long since dismissed the no smoking in rooms policy.

Some of her hair fell in her face. She took some of it in between her thumb and index finger and twisted it around.

She blew smoke from her nose, eyes watering a little before speaking her mind (as she has recently grown accustomed to since being alone).

“I’m gonna need a hair cut pretty soon.”

She thought about how silent it was and slid her headphones on and selected a melancholic song to go along with her mood.

 

“I’m probably gonna get kicked out of here soon enough or something,” she started aloud, not hearing herself due to her music.

“Haven’t been in class for 2 weeks.” She chuckled.

“.”

 

She felt her eyelids get heavy and, on impulse, closed them without a second thought.

Sleeping had long since become peaceful, but lonely.

 

She opened her eyes again, remembering her cigarette.

“Dammit,” she sighed and sat up. After a second of looking around, she grabbed one of her shoes off of her wooden floor and scraped the cigarette light out. Having 1/2 of a cig left, she decided on not throwing it away.

“I’ll save this for later.” She opened her cigarette box and looked in it, immediately growing angry.

 

“Dammit!”

 

She was out of cigarettes.

“Time for trip.” she sighed out.

 

 

 

—

 

These were the same streets she and Mina used to walk on to get to the same exact store. Chaeyoung misses the laughing and the joking and the talking and- well she misses Mina.

 

She felt her heavy eyes start to water.

“Ugh.” she shook her head.

 

She must’ve looked like a mess — not that she wasn’t, but she surely looked the part.

 

Reaching into her pocket, she selected a song and put it on repeat. She retrieved her ears buds from the v on her shirt where they hung.

The song was in English, but Chaeyoung understood a fair amount of it. Thank God she took so many English lessons to impress Mina.

 

_Said now I...

I've got so much on my mind

Talking about everything, oh baby

And I can't sleep, yeah

Wish I could turn back the hands of time_

 

Chaeyoung didn’t exactly relate to this part when she first discovered the song, however, the tables seemed to have turned since then. Perhaps, she really does regret snapping on Mina and Jeongyeon.

No, they should be the ones regretting things - not Chaeyoung. Certainly not after she was the most hurt from the event. 

 

_Everybody wants to someone else

Wanna feel the thing they never felt when they was with you

My girl would tell me, "Go and get some help"

I tried and tried, but I can't seem to figure out the issue

What's the issue?_

 

Luckily enough, Chaeyoung didn’t relate much to this part. Though that could change drastically. Chaeyoung sometimes frightened herself, listening to these songs out of fear that one day, she might relate to the pain sung behind a broken heart.

 

_At the end of the day, I just want some attention

With all this empty space, we've got such cruel intentions

Cruel intentions

Cruel intentions

I'm going back in_

 

Okay, this part hit home for her. Maybe she did just miss Mina’s attention. Truth was: she absolutely did miss Mina’s attention - she’s just too stubborn to admit it at this point in time.

She got the urge to sing out in her not so perfect English skills.

 

_I made my fair share of mistakes

I've had my fair share of bad breaks

I met the real, I met the fake

Started to learn how much time it takes, yeah_

 

She pondered over this part a lot. It was obvious that Chaeyoung made mistakes. Chaeyoung certainly had bad breaks - hell, she was in one right now. She knows that she’s met the real and the fake, but who was who?

What did the next line mean exactly? Time for what?

Chaeyoung frowned and knitted her eyebrows, deep in thought.

 

 

 

Her moping whilst listening to beautiful and depressing English music was over, as she had arrived at the gas station.

 

——

 

Oh, the joys of being carded because you look like a 12 year old drug addict. Chaeyoung decided to finish her cigarette from earlier and maybe hang around a bench with the insects and animals. Maybe she’ll get robbed too. At this point, she’s only a few more inconveniences from breaking down (again).

 

She put her hood on because the streetlight was actually making her very uncomfortable for some reason. She got this chill. Maybe she should run?

 

_You’re fine

 

You are fine

 

Calm the hell down

 

You are not going to die._

 

Chaeyoung took a drag of her almost gone cigarette, secretly hoping to finish it quicker so she could run like hell.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[End]

 

This was a whole angst adventure. Didn't even edit it LMAO oops   : (