All I do

Hoseok feels himself being lifted as the van has stopped. He opens his eyes and sees Shownu next to him. Hyungwon has opened the door on Hoseok’s other side and is lifting him outside. Hoseok wraps his arms around Hyungwon’s neck and the younger gives him a piggyback inside.
“Are you sure you can make it up the stairs?” he hears Kihyun ask, and he feels Hyungwon nod his head. The younger one starts slowly going up step by step.

“Why again did we decide the upper floor would be a good place for us?” Minhyuk says and all others laugh. “At least the view is pretty” Changkyun says as he passes Hyungwon to open the door.

Silently they all enter the dorm. Hyungwon walks towards the bedroom and puts Hoseok carefully in the bed. He covers the shivering body of Hoseok with a blanket and puts an extra pillow under his head. “Sleep well Hoseok” he whispers as he strikes the wet sweaty hair out of his face. Kihyun comes running with some wet and cold towels and he placed one on the forehead of Hoseok.

“Should we call  a doctor?” Jooheon says as he is standing the doorway, not sure what to do.
““What if fans find out? Do they know we live here after we moved?” Shownu asks.
“I am not sure they know, I don’t think they do, since it’s new here” Jooheon says.
“I will call the doctor” Shownu says as he walks off and takes his phone from his pocket.

“How is this guy always getting sick when he has the best build body and takes best care of himself?” Hyungwon says as he refreshes the towel on his forehead.
“It’s just not his luck” Kihyun says as he pushes the other members out of the room “Let him rest, I will make some tea for you Hyungwon, can you stay with him?” Kihyun asks and Hyungwon softly nods.

“Can he participate in our next MV and project?” Hyungwon asks Kihyun before he leaves the room.
“I am not sure, we will see” Kihyun says, but Hyungwon can see the worried look in his face and knows Kihyun is doubting it himself as well.
 

Hyungwon looks at the sick Hoseok and he takes the hand of his friend in his hand. “You idiot” Hyungwon whispers. “Why do you always make me so worried?” he whispers.
Hoseok turns to his side facing Hyungwon. The younger one rests his arms on his elbows on the bed and his head in his hands. Like this he looks at the sleeping Hoseok.
He sees a frown on his forehead and his eyes tightly shut, just like on the couch in the dressing room earlier.
He places his finger on the forehead of Hoseok and pushes a little. The frown disappears and the peaceful sleeping face returns.
“You better be fine tomorrow” Hyungwon whispers as he lies his head down on his arm next to Hoseok on the pillow.
His body in a not so comfy position, but he doesn’t really care as long as Hoseok isn’t woken by the movements of Hyungwon.
He wakes up a few minutes later when Kihyun walks with a cup of tea and Hyungwon takes it generously.
Sitting on his knees with a cup of tea in his hands he keeps looking at Hoseok a little longer.
Without moving he wants to sit there, all night long, just to be there for him.

----

The next morning Hoseok wakes up from the coughing of someone next to him. He opens his eyes and sees the sleeping face of Hyungwon an inch away from his. The soft coughing stopped and Hoseok can tell the younger member didn’t sleep a lot last night in order to watch over him.
Hoseok lifts himself on his elbows and looks at the clock on the wall above the door. It’s 10am and the dorm is completely silent.
‘All of them must have been tired’ Hoseok thinks as he sits in his bed, realizing he the only one awake yet.

He lifts himself from the bed and stands holding the upper bed of Hyungwon. The younger one still sitting next to the bed sleeping with his head on the side of Hoseok’s pillow.
Hoseok walks into their kitchen and opens the fridge to get a  bottle of water. He walks over to the small window in the living room and looks outside.
The day is sunny and he sees the blue sky with some small white clouds until the horizon. The world below looks busy and Hoseok checks the calendar. He sees it’s a Friday and understands the busy hours on the road.

He sits down on the couch and lifts his feet on there as well. He feels his body is tired, but the sickness has left. His body weak and shaking since the room is quite cold.
“Hoseok!” he hears behind him and when Hoseok turns around he sees a surprised Changkyun standing in the doorway. “How are you feeling?” the youngest member says as he rushes over and sits next to Hoseok on  the couch.

“Lots better” Hoseok answers him which satisfies the youngest.
“Want some breakfast? We have chicken wings left of last time we ate” Changkyun says and Hoseok laughs as he knows the youngest is always hungry in the morning.
“Sure” Hoseok says and Changkyun jumps up to heat up the chicken wings in the microwave before eating them.

“Are you better today?” Hoseok hears Kihyun next to him and he nods. “Lots better”
Kihyun walks over and places a hand on the forehead of Hoseok. “The fever has gone down a lot indeed” he says and Hoseok smiles.

One by one the other members arrive in the living room as well and Changkyun had the chicken heated and made some rice and vegetables as well to eat. It is a simple breakfast, but Hoseok enjoys it a lot as he hasn’t eaten something properly in a few days.

The chicken wings taste better than expected. He takes another one and takes a bite.

“Easy Hoseok!” Jooheon says “you get sick from eating too much again” he says and everyone laughs.
“I am so happy with you guys” Hoseok says not sure how to express the feeling of thanking he has inside.
“Ah, don’t get too sentimental” Hyungwon says as he takes a spoon full of rise.  
Hoseok gives him a simple smile.
Joking and talking like this they finish their breakfast and they played their regular ‘rock, paper, scissors’ for who has to to the dishes. Jooheon and Shownu are picked and both of them start cleaning the table and plates with a pouting look on their face.
Changkyun grabs his phone and crashes on the couch. He opens the chat with his friends from Boston and starts texting them in English in a fast speed, making Minhyuk gaze at him in admiration.
Hoseok laughs as he sees the astounded face of Minhyuk since he knows he wants to learn English so he can communicate with his fans, but fails most of the time due to his nerves or heavy grammar mistakes.

He sits on the couch not sure what he should do, since their manager will probably arrive soon. They have to leave to the studio again to record the new Japanese MV.

A few hours later a knock on the door leaves all the members look up from what they are doing. They look at each other, knowing they are about to leave to shoot.
“What time is it?” Jooheon asks and Kihyun answers him it’s around 2pm.
With this all the members know it’s going to be a long and tiring day and probably night of shooting the MV.

“What would the concept be?” Hyungwon asks and all of them lift their shoulders. “Who directed it anyways?” Changkyun says still staring at his phone. “Mr. Haruhi” Shownu says as he grabs his shoes. Meanwhile Hyungwon has opened the door and a rushing manager gets inside. “All of you ready?” he says a little too active. As soon as he sees the tiring and depressing faces of the Monsta X members he grabs Hyungwon in a tight hug. “Ah,... guys not so sad please?! Excited is the right feeling! You will record another MV! Isn’t that wonderful?!” he says, leaving all the members nod in agreement as they know competing with their manager in this kind of environment isn’t a good thing to do.

“How are you feeling Hoseok?” the manager asks and wakes him up from the thoughts he had. “Oh..I am fine!” Hoseok answers quickly, not wanting to show he is still exhausted and wishes to sleep more. Somehow he doesn’t want to ruin the good mood of the manager. He looks around at the other members and sees on their expression they are thinking the same thing.
They have seen a very angry and almost scary side of him as well, so it’s better to agree with him when he is in his good mood.

Silently without much words the members grab their shoes and bags and leave together with their manager. They enter their van and sit. Normally at least one of them puts on the music, but today all of them seem to need some rest for a quite long trip.
Hoseok checks the GSP in front and sees they have to go all the way to Daegu, which is about a 2 hour ride from the edges of Seoul, means another hour to get out of the busy capital city.

He rests his head against the window as he somehow always finds a good spot at the window side. He looks at his right and sees Shownu sitting on the other side.
Jooheon sits in front of him and as he sits he gives Hoseok a wink. Their manager sits in the front seat next to the driver.

“I am actually excited today” Minhyuk says “even though I felt sad I had to go for another song recording while I was supposed to be off”.

“Guess you are the only one” Changkyun says as he is still texting on his phone. “I promised my friends to skype, but that plan stopped as well due to the recordings”.

The rest of their trip is quite silent

“Did all of you bring clean clothing for next day” the manager asks the members and all of them nod, already knowing it’s going to be long day while recording.

They arrive at the recording studio and Kihyun wakes up the members that fell asleep. Hoseok woke up an hour before they were about to arrive and watches the mountains and the green landscape pass by.
He felt himself dozen off a few times, but wasn’t really sleeping anymore. As soon as all the members left the van it drives off and parks in a small parking lot next to the building.
 

The members enter the studio and all of them quite silent compared to how they normally react. “Let’s warm up our voices a bit” Kihyun says and starts humming melodies. The other members softly follow him.
One by one the members are guided through the song and will sing their lines with the producer to get into the right rhythm.
They check the lines and Hyungwon sighs and throws the paper on the table. “Why do I have such less lines again?” he says and Hoseok agrees with him.
“Some of my lines even went to Kihyun” he says leaving Kihyun pout. “I can’t help that”.

“It’s because you are still ill and your voices isn’t fully recovered” their producer says.

“There is nothing wrong with my voice” Hoseok says, but as he says it he knows their producer probably hears his sore throat.

“It’s gonna be a long long day” Hyungwon jokes and places his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. “It will be indeed”

“Jooheon and Changkyun, you guys are first” their producer says and everyone understands since they have the biggest line parts.

Jooheon walks towards the recording studio and warms up his voice by rapping some non-existing words. “Ok, let’s do this!” he says rather tired instead of excited and hyped.

“So what should we do?” Hyungwon asks, but Hoseok isn’t really sure so he isn’t answering. “Want to play games?” Shownu says as he takes the Nintendo Switch out of his bag.
“You brought that?!” Hoseok says, more excited now he knows.
“Yes and Mario” Shownu says and suddenly all the members are excited. They sit in front of the small screen placed in front of them on the table.
Minhyuk grabs a book out of his bag and lies down on the other couch. Kihyun sits down with his phone and starts talking with some of his friends. Hyungwon, Shownu , Changkyun and Hoseok sit down in front of the small screen. Changkyun checking the door quite a while, knowing he has to go and rap in a while as well.
The game start and without seconds  the boys are lost in the race. An hour passed by like  this before Changkyun is asked to get inside the studio.
Hoseok stretching his body, as he feels his back being stiff. He probably was so into the game he didn’t notice the strange position he was sitting in and regrets it now.

He feels himself getting very tired and lies down on the couch. His head lied down on the lap of Hyungwon. The younger one looks down and smiles at Hoseok.

Hoseok feels himself dozen off. He closes his eyes and feels himself shaking off the sounds in the background of the other still playing the games.
“Sleep well” he hears Hyungwon say before he falls asleep

“Run!” someone screams and Hoseok starts running. Onto the bridge which disappears in the darkness in front. He doesn’t know why he runs, but he feels the anger and fear burning behind him. Footsteps follow him and he knows he isn’t running alone.
His mind full of scary thoughts, creepy thoughts he shouldn’t be thinking. As he keeps running he hear laughing. First far away, but the longer he keeps running the louder the laughing get. He can’t help but look around. He sees mouths on unclear faces laugh, louder and louder, as Hoseok keeps running.
“Stop!” he screams, but the laughing isn’t stopping. He feels the laughs hurt him more and more, draining the energy out of him, but he has to keep running. “Stop!” Hoseok screams again as suddenly the bridge ends.

With a loud scream Hoseok wakes up. He feels his whole body aching and his throat sore again from screaming. The tired looking Hyungwon above him pushes him into sitting position.
“What happened?!” Jooheon came in the room as he apparently left while Hoseok was asleep. “Nothing….” Hoseok says “just a nightmare”.
“What was it about?” Hyungwon asks with a worried expression as he probably remembers the one from before during the concert as well.
“I don’t want to talk about it” Hoseok says.
“If you won’t tell it, it might come true” Hyungwon says and Hoseok shivers at the idea of everyone laughing at him. He feels his breathing stuck in his throat as he thinks how it will be real.
“Just everyone laughing at me, and I kept running but had nowhere to go instead of endless running”
“Don’t dream things like this!” Kihyun says. “That scares me. You always dream these kind of things. It means inside you feel bad”.

“It has nothing to do with that” Hoseok says as he feels regret for telling it.
“It does!” Kihyun says “your dreams reflect your inner fears and thoughts. You have been reading fan comments again right? That’s why you dreamed it!” Kihyun says worried and angry.

“And what if!?” Hoseok screams. “What if I did?! Will it change how people think about me? Will it change how I will feel about myself? What if I want to change myself into someone better, but people judge me no matter what? What if I want to build muscles, but I am too scared because people actually say I am too fat and a pig!?” Hoseok screams angrily and he leaves all of them speechless.
“They don’t say those things about you Kihyun, you have a good body, slim but muscled, tall and a beautiful face. Nobody ever complained about your looks!” Hoseok screams and jumps up. He grabs his jacket and walks out of the recording studio.
“I’ll be out” he says. “Call me when I have to record.”
The members look at him not sure what to tell to him.

Hoseok stands on the other side of the door and he knows the member won’t follow him when he is feeling like this. They know he sometimes needs his alone time in order for him to calm down.

He walks up the stairs, because he knows if he walks outside he will be recognized by fans. The stairs to the rooftop are small and he walks up in a slow pace.
With each step he recalls all the words his fans called him. Somehow he started doing this on the way to their dorm and left all his worries on the stairs before he arrived at home. It worked so why wouldn’t it work now.

With each steps he takes he thinks of a thought he has. Recalls all the comments fans called him before. He softly whispers them with each step he takes closer to the roof. If people would hear and see him now, they would instantly worry. Before he opens the door to the rooftop he breaths in and out deeply a few times. He knows the silence in the stairway will break any moment he opens the door. The city sounds will enter his ears.
He opens the door and hears the soft wind bring in the sounds of the city below the building.
A small autumn sun is shown and a soft breeze hits Hoseok’s face.

He walks towards the edge of the building, but just far enough he doesn’t see the ground beneath him. Somehow even if he is so afraid of heights, he still loves the feel of adrenaline in his body as he walks closer to the edge.

He just stands there, enjoying the view, the sunshine and the clouds. The wind slowly blowing his hair. A cold shiver runs down his body and Hoseok closes his jacket around himself a little more. The fresh air makes his body feel better. So close to the edge he feels the adrenaline, which causes his heart to beat faster, but he loves the view.
He clenches his hands around the steel border and holds it so tight he knuckles are white. ‘I am too scared to fall’ Hoseok thinks to himself and scoffs.

After standing there for a unknown amount of time Hoseok feels his phone buzz in the pocket of his jacket. He takes it out and sees Changkyun is calling him.
“Oh” he answers in a soft voice.
“It’s your turn in 10 minutes” he hears Changkyun say in a happy and calm voice.
“The song is really nice and you will like  your lines! They are very nice” Changkyun continues and Hoseok realizes that Changkyun probably didn’t hear their little fight earlier since he was recording.

“I’ll be there” Hoseok says and cuts off the call with Changkyun, probably leaving the other side speechless.
Hoseok walks down in a slow pace as he knows recording will be quite tiring and it will be a long time before they finish. As he arrives at the door he left out of earlier he takes a deep breath and opens it. He tries to avoid the looks of Kihyun as he walks in and sits down on the couch facing the glass of the recording room. He sees Hyungwon standing in front of the microphone. His eyes look tired and Hyungwon meets his eyes. For a few seconds Hoseok feels sadness and realizes Hyungwon has probably repeat his sentences a few times already.

A few minutes later Hyungwon is done and Hoseok walks into the recording studio, ready to record his lines. He gulps down some water and breathes deeply before the song plays
“Good luck!” he hears the sound director say in the microphone and the soft beats of the song starts playing in his ears. He follows the lines on the small screen until his parts comes on.
 

‘This is all I can do’ Hoseok thinks ‘the thing I am confident in, singing, dancing and performing. I am Monsta X Wonho’.