Ready or not

Right before the lights go on, right before the fans notice something is moving backstage, right before the moment the song begins, all you feel is a sensation. One of which you aren’t sure what it exactly is, excitement or nerves, or maybe even both. 

Right before you hear the fans screaming, right before you take a deep breath and you face it, right before you lift up the microphone to your lips. Starting with the first lines of the song, is where you feel a fire rising inside you. That moment, just that one moment is when you feel excited yet nervous.

As if  his body kept moving on it’s own Hoseok walked on stage. He could feel the excitement in his body as he heard a few thousand fans screaming. 

He could feel all their eyes on him as he walked to his spot on the slightly dark stage. The scream echoing in his ears, almost too painful, but yet it fills him with an uncontrollable energy. He softly smiles as he faces his shoes. 

The start of the dance as he stands with his back towards the fans. He can feel the heat of the lights above him already. His jeans tightly around his waist and thighs as he regrets wearing such tight black jeans. He feels the strings attached to his outfit tightly around his chest.
He feels someone moving next to him and when he peeks he sees Hyungwon next to him with the same nervous and excited smile on his face. The same pose looking down at his shoes, the same burning energy inside his body.

Hyungwon gives him a quick nod and Hoseok faces his shoes again, ready for the song to start as he hears the other members taking their places behind him.
A loud scream fills the room and overpowers the first notes of their song as all of them start moving to the beat.
The dance, practiced so many times, is a natural movement as soon as the song starts. Practiced it so many times he can even dance it with his eyes closed, all members perfectly in sync with each other.

Hoseok walks to the front and sees the lights in his eyes, almost blinding his view. He looks down to the first row of fans, all in excitement banging their hands on the beats of the song. His view covered in dots from looking at the lights earlier. He lifts his head back up and the lines of his part in the song flow out as automatically as he started dancing.
In front of him a girl takes out her phone as she tries to make a video. Hoseok walks closer, winks at her and return to his spot on the side.
With a satisfied look he sees the girl going crazy with her friend to her.

As soon as the song is finished the concert hall is filled with the loud painful yet wonderful scream of fans. Hoseok smiles as he quickly rushes to get a bottle of water. He gulps the water down his throat. His breathing high in his chest as the first song is always the hardest to dance. Even though they had an hour of warming up before the concert starts, and a rehearsal in the afternoon, the first song is always the hardest to get in the flow.
The second song starts already and Hoseok replays the whole dance in his head for a few seconds, as if he is scared he forgot. Quickly without thinking he gets in his position and feels the other members around him. He sees Kihyun taking a deep breath as he has to start singing first, still trying to catch his breath from the first song. The member with  the angelic voice starts his lines, leaving fans gasp at the sound.

Just like these first songs half of the concert went by. Hoseok forgot all the nerves he had when he started before. He feels himself lost in the screams of the fans in front of him. He moves around like he is flying and he enjoys himself. On stage he can be who he really want to be, be someone people admire and he can forget all the mean and awful comments he read before. Here, on this stage, he will show the world he is Shin Hoseok, Wonho of Monsta X.

After their 6th song is finished they all walk off stage. Hoseok feels the strings on his upper body stinging painful as they are tight around his muscled chest. He is relieved they have an outfit change and he cant take them off.
With shaking hands, trying to hold his breathing he tries to untie it, but due to the sudden dizziness for holding his breath too long his hands start shaking.
The youngest member Changkyun rushes over and moves Hoseok’s hands. He quickly unties the strings and Hoseok feels his chest moving up and down in freedom again.
He quickly takes off his turtleneck and faces his upper body in the mirror. The red lines of the strings are visible on his skin, like a red burn.
He moves his hand over them to erase the redness a bit, since the second half of the concert he is supposed to take off his jacket. He gulps down another shot of water.
Kihyun and Jooheon are standing backstage, ready to go on stage.
Hoseok follows their gaze into the darkness in front. They are nervous, he can tell it from the way Jooheon is jumping up and down a little. Kihyun has his hands fold in front, which he does when he is boiling from nerves.

Hoseok smiles as he realizes how much he knows about s by just looking at them, spending time for so long together already.
He takes a towel from the table next to him and wipes the sweat dripping down his neck.
A young girl with a powder kit walks closer and Hoseok sits down on the edge of the table. She is young, probably not even 20 years old yet. She gives him a shy smile as she takes the powder on her brush and brushes it against his skin. The eyes of the girl avoid his, as Hoseok understands she must be nervous doing things like this close to idols.
Their makeup artist whom they have since their debut even told them she was nervous for over a year. As Hoseok has never seen the girl before it must be her first time. Hoseok meets her eyes for a brief second and smiles.
He sees a blush appearing on the cheeks of the girl and she quickly returns him with a shy smile. “You did well” she softly says, but Hoseok hears her.
“Thank you”  he answers her. “Were you nervous?” she asks as she feels Hoseok relaxing a bit under her touch. “Yes, very” he answers shortly as he is powdering his jaw line.

She smiles “Don’t worry, everything will go perfectly till the end” she says as she bows slowly before leaving. “Wait…” Hoseok says. The girl turns around and Hoseok smiles “thank you”.

Their manager walks towards Hoseok together with the stage coordinator. They look at Hoseok and whisper something. Without knowing what they say Hoseok knows its about the red lines from the strings earlier.
A few seconds later a staff member walks towards him with a foundation spray and Hoseok automatically lifts his arms as it happened before. They quickly spray a skin toned color on the red lines and Hoseok shivers as the cold liquid hits his body. “Sorry” she whispers and laughs.
“Hoseok, it’s almost our turn” he hears next to him and sees Hyungwon already standing next to him in the slightly glittering blue jacket. All Hoseok does is nod and starts waving his hands on his chest to let the foundation dry a bit sooner. Quickly after that a fixing spray is put on top of it and Hoseok grabs his blue jacket.  

Both he and Hyungwon stand on the same spot as Kihyun and Jooheon stood before, feeling the same nervous feeling as the other 2 members did before.
Their song together ‘From Zero’ which was turned into a group song for their latest album, but for this show they decided to perform it together one more time. Hoseok looks at Hyungwon and their eyes meet. He feels the same excitement as Hyungwon by looking at his eyes. This is their moment to shine.
Hyungwon lifts his hand and Hoseok gives him a high five, right before the stage turns dark.

Kihyun and Jooheon walk off and high five each other. Kihyun passed Hoseok and pets him on his shoulder “good luck” he says and all Hoseok is nod back at him. “Good job” he says in return.

They both walk onto the stage, with a little nervous feeling in their stomach. Hoseok stands behind the three dancers as Hyungwon has his moment to shine first. He hears the music start and soon afterwards he hears the voice of Hyungwon loudly through the concert hall. His voice balanced perfectly for this song. His moving in front of Hoseok makes him look up, realizing he is about to start soon.
The dancers move and a loud scream fills the air. His bare chest and stomach is exposed to the audience and Hosek smiles. ‘Ready, go’ he thinks to himself and opens his mouth as his lines flow out.

He sees Hyungwon moving closer in the corner of his eyes as he kneels down on the stage. Hoseok walks closer and he knows the fans will scream in a few seconds. He the neck of Hyungwon and lifts his head backwards, feeling the hair of Hyungwon brush tickling over his stomach, making him shiver. He feels Hyungwon moving his head backwards and he gasps to catch his breath.

He moves away from the younger member and he feels the eyes of the people in front of him following each and every move. He feels their eyes burned on his bare skin. ‘This is happiness’ Hoseok thinks to himself. ‘This is my happiness’.
He looks at Hyungwon and sees the same happiness in the eyes of his group member.

Sooner than Hoseok wanted their song comes to an end. He stands on the small platform in the back of the stage and before he even stands properly he feels the platform move already, turning around so he will be backstage. A moment of relaxing before the start their encore. Hoseok rushes to the side of the stage where he started and grabs the towel he dropped on the table. He looks at himself in the mirror as he is trying to catch his breath. The red marks slightly visible again since he was sweating and the jacket removed part of the foundation covering them. He sees Hyungwon behind him and the taller puts his arms around Hoseok’s upper body and rests his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. He hears the deep breathing of Hyungwon in his ear. The shivers run down through his skin as it softly touches the sensitive spot in his neck.
“Good job, hyung” Hyungwon says to him and Hoseok answer him in return that he did great as well. Hyungwon isn’t moving and his head is still resting on Hoseok’s shoulder. The smaller one isn’t making effort to move him, since it feels good to reflect on the stage together like this. He made a small mistakes during the second chorus, but it wasn’t a minor one so people probably didn’t notice. He skipped a few steps halfway the song, because he was out of breath and his chest hurted from the strings before.
Overall he was proud since it was a long time ago they practiced the song together. Due to the lack of time they had no time to rehearse it earlier and they had to be lucky for it to come to an end.

Hyungwon wakes him from his thoughts with the words “does it still hurt?” Hoseok meets the eyes of Hyungwon in the mirror and realizes the younger one is talking about the red lines on his chest. Hoseok touches them with one hand as he feels a numb sting. “A little” he lies as it actually hurts. His ribs feel stiff from the cramped breathing while wearing them.
“Next time, just don’t wear them” Hyungwon says.
“You tell the stylist?” Hoseok answers him and both of them smile bitterly knowing that won’t happen since their stylist is very stubborn and wants it all her way.

After a small encore and thanking the fans the concert is over and Hoseok moves backstage again. He feels tired and satisfied and he can’t wait to lay down in his bed in their dorm.
They quickly change into comfy clothing and rush for their van in the back of the concert hall, hoping not too many fans gathered there to greet the.
Hoseok walks down the stairs, followed by Minhyuk and Kihyun chatting about the concert a bit more, but Hoseok wants to move to his bed and sleep. He puts in his earphones, which he normally does to avoid facing fan comments. He hears them, since no music is playing, but he can at least pretend not to hear.

“Are you nervous again?” Changkyun asks Hoseok and all he does is nod. He is nervous to face the fans, because of the mean comments he got lately. “Don’t bother them” Changkyun says to him, but both members know Hoseok will bother all the mean comments and tries to laugh them off, but inside they hurt him much more  than they should.

They open the backdoor and like they expected they see fans standing there, waving their light sticks and holding their banners in the air. ‘I hope those are nice’ Hoseok thinks to himself, but regret he thought that as he knows most of the fans are loving him, yet the mean ones are making all of them feel bad.
He waves at them and gives them a bright smile, hoping they won’t see the pain he has because of his thoughts.
“Wonho!” he hears a girl scream loudly. “You were super cool!” she screams and the smile on Hoseok’s face turns into a sincerely happy one as he hears those words.
“So handsome!” another girl says and is shaking the arm of her friend.
“Beautiful” he hear some more fans scream and he waves them goodbye. He makes a heart with his arms above his head before he steps inside the van. The other members follow him waving and smiling at the fans.

Hoseok is sitting next to the window and he waves to the fans as they pass them. As soon as they turned around the corner he plugs his earphones in his phone and puts on his music. He needs a moment for himself as he feels himself drifting off on the sound of his favorite song. The calming melody plays in his head.
He feels a warmth on his shoulder and as he looks to his side he sees the maknae Changkyun has falling asleep on his shoulder. The younger one looks tired and his hair still wet from the quick shower he took backstage.
Hoseok brushes the wet strands out of his face and smiles seeing the younger one move. The slow breathing reveals Changkyun really has fallen asleep.
Hoseok his gaze moves outside again as he sees the streetlight passing him. Some clubs still open with the neon lights flashing in the dark, the shopping streets with people walking and the highway they enter on their way back to their dorm.

When they arrive Hoseok wakes Changkyun. The younger one stretches himself in the small van and rubs his face. He grunts in a low voice “Ah… I am so tired” he says and Hoseok nods in return.
As they enter the stairs to their dorm Hoseok feels his legs are about to give in. They are so tired he is barely able to make up all the way to their dorm.
Minhyuk is loudly talking to Jooheon, whom seemed to be not tired at all. Jooheon is giving him short answers, revealing he is too tired to make it into a long conversation.
Without a simple goodnight to all the members Hoseok walks into his bedroom he shares with Hyungwon and Hyunwoo. Gladly he is together with those two calm ones, instead of Jooheon and Minhyuk who can talk till late in the night.
Too tired to change Hoseok throws off his shoes next to his bed and crawls under the blankets. He feels himself drifting away in the dark as he hears someone entering the room.
The stairs next to him makes a soft noise, knowing Hyungwon decided to go for sleep as well.
“Goodnight” Hoseok says to the person climbing up. He feels the bed moving and knows Hyungwon is lying down. “Goodnight hyung” he hears the soft little husky voice of Hyungwon above him.
“Is your voice okay?” Hoseok asks as he is worried but the huskiness he heard.
“Hmm… just a little sore throat” Hyungwon answers.
After this both of them stay silent, not sure if the other one is sleeping already.

Hoseok wakes up in the night and he takes his phone after looking into the darkness for a bit. He sees it’s only 3am, but his body is awake. He feels his legs still painful after their performance. He gets up and sits on the edge of his bed.
Next to him he hears the soft snoring of Hyunwoo, knowing the leader of the group also went to sleep.
He gets up and walks towards their kitchen. He opens the fridge and takes out a water bottle. With the bottle in his hand he walks towards the window in the living room. It’s a small one, but the view at night is quite pretty as it looks out over the city beneath their building. He sees the cars still driving in a city that doesn’t sleep. The street lights of the read disappear in the sea of lights further away.
Hoseok sighs as he puts the bottle on the table before walking back to his bed.
He takes his phone and looks up the instagram of the members. They have a instagram for their group ‘monsta x’. Hoseok looks at the small screen. ‘Should I post a photo?’ he thinks to himself, but decided that would be weird at 3am. What would the fans have said about their performance? He goes to the ‘tagged photos’ and sees lots of their concert photos of last evening.
He clicks on his own photo and reads the caption “I was in heaven” he reads as a fancafe of Monbebe posted this.
His eyes move down to the comment section, not sure if he wants to read it. With shaking hands he clicks on the comments.
A lot of comments pop up in his screen and he starts reading them, realizing right after the first four that it was a bad decision.
‘Wonho is a pig, too much muscles’
‘Lose weight!!’

‘I want skinny boys like Kihyun’
‘Fat pig’
Hoseok throws his phone angrily on the pillow next to him. It falls off and hits the wall next to his head with a loud thud. He lays down on the pillow against and sighs deeply realizing he won’t be good enough in eyes of the fans, no matter how hard he tries. On stage he feels confident as Wonho, but he isn’t confident as being Hoseok.

“Hyung?” he hears a soft voice above him. Hoseok looks to his side and sees the small light of Hyungwon’s phone shining down on him. A worried face peeks over the edge of the bed.
“Are you ok?” Hyungwon asks, but Hoseok knows if he would say a word now he will break in tears. “You can’t sleep?” Hyungwon asks and all Hoseok does is nod, since he knows Hyungwon can see him. “What were you doing?” Hyungwon whispers.
Hoseok takes his phone and shows the comment screen which is still in view.
“Idiot,” Hyungwon whispers angrily “I told you not to read those comments”.
“I know, but I - I”  is all Hoseok can say before he holds his breath to prevent the tears.
“Should I come down?” Hyungwon asks and Hoseok nods again. He hears Hyungwon move his blanket and a few moments later he hears the small ladder next to his bed, knowing the younger is moving down.

He feels a cold leg moving under his blanket and Hoseok moves a little closer to the wall. The taller member lies down and Hoseok lifts his head so he can rest it on Hyungwon’s arm. Somehow Hyungwon always comforts him like this whenever he feels bad. The mean comments made him vulnerable, but whenever Hyungwon lies down next to him he feels safe.
Hyungwon places his hands on the stomach of Hoseok and pulls him in his embrace.  “This body is perfect, so don’t let anybody take you down” he mumbles under his breath, but Hoseok hears him clearly since he is so close to him. Hoseok feels the body of Hyungwon getting warm and the heat under the blanket is nice.
Whenever Hoseok is having trouble sleeping, he feels himself slipping away in a sleep whenever Hyungwon is next to him.
“Goodnight Hyungwon” Hoseok whispers and Hyungwon answers him “Goodnight hyung”.

Both of them fall asleep. Hoseok snuggles into the embrace of Hyungwon and falls asleep.